This is Swedish House Mafia.
They are three Swedish dudes. They play a bunch of songs that go “Boom boom boom boom” and then the bass drops out and there’s a part people sing along to and then the bass comes back in going “boom boom boom.” Sometimes there are angel sounds.
It is important to note that the three members of Swedish House Mafia do not function as individuals separate and independent from the Swedish House Mafia itself. Simply stated, the three members of Swedish House Mafia will individually only play tracks that the Swedish House Mafia as a collective plays.
Last year, two of the three members of the Swedish Mafia, who play the exact same songs individually as the Swedish House Mafia plays as a group, headlined the Sahara two of the three nights of Coachella.
This is Afrojack.
He’s Dutch. His songs go “Boom boom boom boom,” but they also have very fast high-pitched sounds that go “woop woop woop woop woop dee doop!” Sometimes Pitbull raps on his songs. He gets hip hop artists to sing on his songs, but David Guetta had hip hop artists sing on his songs first.
It is at times difficult to tell if you are listening to an Afrojack song or an LMFAO song.
This is Amon Tobin.
He plays weird sounds and shows you weird pictures of things. He is different than other Sahara acts that play weird sounds and show you weird pictures of things, because liking the latter acts makes you a “light show monkey” but liking Amon Tobin makes you a “genius.” People typically stand around and look at the pictures.
This is SebastiAn.
He’s French. He’ll smoke cigarettes and twist some knobs on a little panel. Sometimes the music sounds like video game music. Other times it sounds like the Spawn soundtrack. His tracks are “bangin.” He will probably play a DJ Mehdi song. It will be a “moment.”
Sometimes people think he is Kavinsky. He is not.
This is Feed Me.
He does what SebastiAn does except he gets to do it because he’s friends with Deadmau5. Otherwise, nobody would give a shit. He will also play dubstep. Everyone will be happy and go “fucking duuuuuuuubsteeeeeeep!”
See also Madeon.
This is David Guetta.
Hip hop artists think that he needs to produce their songs now. He makes songs that go “Boom boom boom boom” and then the bass drops out and everyone sings along and Usher sings over it and he holds his hands up in the air and then the bass comes back in. He has street cred because he worked with Akon. Afrojack does what he does.
This is Kaskade.
He does what David Guetta and Afrojack do except he doesn’t have as many friends in the music industry. He’s Mormon.
This is Sebastian Ingrosso.
He is in Swedish House Mafia. He will do what Swedish House Mafia does, including playing the exact same songs. When he plays the Sahara, four of the previous five nights of Coachella will have featured at least one individual member of the Swedish House Mafia or the Swedish House Mafia itself. The individual members of the Swedish House Mafia play the same songs as the Swedish House Mafia.
He is not SebastiAn.
This is Martin Solveig.
He does what David Guetta and Afrojack and Kaskade and Sebastian Ingrosso do, except he only works with white singers. He plays tennis.
This is Justice.
They are French and will smoke like SebastiAn and play music like SebastiAn, except there are two of them, so people think they are geniuses. They have a cross that lights up. People see it and are like “Fucking sick!” Then they’re all “Fucking Just-ees!” because they think that’s how French people say “Justice.”
This is Girl Talk.
He is like listening to your teenage sister’s iPod except if your sister was even more of a weakling than she is now.
This is Avicii.
He is a Swedish DJ that plays songs that go “Boom boom boom boom” and then the bass drops out and then people sing along and then the bass comes back in, except he is not a member of Swedish House Mafia.
This is Calvin Harris.
He is kind of like David Guetta in that he makes music with Rihanna. He probably won’t play that Rihanna song though. He made an album that sounded like it was made in the 1980s except it was “nu.” Then he made another album and it just sounded like Kaskade, David Guetta, Avicii, Sebastian Ingrosso, Afrojack, and Swedish House Mafia. He’ll probably play the songs that sound like Kaskade, David Guetta, Avicii, Sebastian Ingrosso, Afrojack, and Swedish House Mafia.
This is Porter Robinson.
His songs go “Boom boom boom boom” and then make weird vortex sounds. He sounds like Wolfgang Gartner if Wolfgang Gartner was Wolfgang Gartner.
As you can see, it’s gonna be a groundbreaking year. See you in the tent!