It seems to me that there are plenty of individuals that represent the male gender that do not understand the unwritten laws of the men's restroom. Failure to comply with such rules can result in awkwardness, irritation, and in some cases, the inability to physically go to the bathroom.
If you are unfamiliar with these bylaws, let me go over them with you here.
- If there are people already utilizing the urinals or stalls, always choose the urinal / stall that gives you the most "cushion" between the other people. ALWAYS observe the one-stall / urinal barrier rule whenever possible. There are few things in this world that are more annoying than when you have plenty of places to shit / piss and someone comes in and chooses the urinal / stall that is directly next to you.
- Do not engage in full-length conversations. There is no need for you to discuss your recent business trip with the colleagues that were unable to go while I am trying to pinch one out 10 feet away. I am trying to drop a deuce and the story about your endeavors on said trip are annoying. I need peace when I poop.
- Never, under any circumstances, talk to a man while he's pissing in the urinal.
- Bicycle riders: sinks are not showers. If there isn't a shower where you work, stop riding your fucking bike in the heat.
- Do not talk on your cell phone while you're taking a shit. Texting is one thing, but having an argument with your girlfriend so everyone can hear is bothersome enough; it's even worse when in the bathroom.
- There is no need to drop your pants all the way down to your ankles when you piss. This normally happens with the morbidly obese guys, which just makes matters worse.
- No grunting while you piss unless you have kidney stones.
- Learn to shit IN the toilet. I have seen toilet seats with skid-marks ON them. I mean, how is this difficult?
- This one I shouldn't have to say, because it's a universal law for men and women (not to mention, it's just plain sanitary), but please remember to wash your fucking hands. Too often I have witnessed someone leave a stall after taking a hefty growler and walk right out the door without going anywhere near the sink.
If you can think of any others, feel free to add.
Oh, and one more thing -
If you read this in your head and hear any other voice than Ron Swanson, you're reading it incorrectly.