Dear Incompetent Patrons Who Are Not Familiar With Theatre Etiquette,
I know that most of you have probably never been to a theatre before, and that you're only here because your son/daughter/neice/nephew/brother/sister/bf/gf/classmate/school requirement/fuckbuddy is in the Community College Dance Departement, which we are considerate enough to let use our beautiful venue for their annual Dance Spectrum. This is why we're making it really easy for you by having numerous flyers up with ticket info and performance times, as well as extended business hours. And despite our meager salary, we are trained Customer Service Reps, and we know how to do our job, so when you buy your $12 ticket, we repeat the performance date, time, and restrictions not once, not twice, but three times for you, just so you don't get confused. Even when you're rude and say you've heard it all before, because we know you'll forget that there is NO late seating, that it IS a final sale, and there are NO children under the age of 5 admitted. And YES, that means no infants either. So when you show up at 8:07 with your two preschoolers and your tickets for the show that was yesterday, and demand to get into tonight's sold out show that has already started, guess what? FUCK OFF. YOU, ma'am, are in the wrong. I know that it's hard to swallow, and you can yell and pound the bullet proof window and demand to speak to the manager, (like she is going to be here after 5pm on a weekend anyways), but maybe had you listened to us when we sold you the tickets, LOOKED at the tickets in your hand that had the day and time clearly printed on them, (surprise! not today's date!) maybe you wouldn't be in this dilema. And then there is always the possibility that had you simply been a little bit less of a fire breathing biotch about it all, we would have been a litte more accepting to your situation. Don't tell me to fix my mistake and to do it quickly, when it is you that is clearly in the wrong, and I am already doing overtime by even listening to you waste air.
Your Friendly Customer Service Representative
Salude Olive Garden -
Let me preface this by saying that you are not, in fact, a real italian resturant. Nor are you the fancy resturant that you lead us on to be, despite the fact that you are the must go to for every Jr. High and High School prom or winter formal dinner, wedding rehersal, or anniversary date. Just because we are a town of migrant field workers and white trash, do not mock us, we know better.
But really now, how do you get off by charging $3.50 for a side of marinara sauce??!? Especially when all I am ordering is the lunch special of unlimited salad and bread sticks for $5.99, and a glass of water? It wasn't even enough marinara to finish off one basket of bread sticks with. A "slight charge" does not = $3.50!! Must you rape me for every penny I am worth? The sauce isn't even that special, it tastes just like Prego to me, which I could buy an entire fucking jar of for less than 2 bucks at Food 4 Less, which is open 24 hours, (unlike you, Olive Garden).
I'm over you, I won't be used. I'm better than that.