Every year, when I'm minding my own business, trying to masturbate in the Sahara, this young girl pushes right in front of me and just stands there...a little too much in my personal space, if you know what I mean. I find it very distracting and I can never finish. You can tell she thinks she's really hot...probably thinking "I'll give you something to jack to, old man"...but the truth is, she's just not my type.

It was kind of annoying the first year, but now I feel like she's taunting me. It's scarred me a bit, and now whenever I'm peeping on my neighbors across the street through a telescope, I'm half afraid she's going to pop up on the sidewalk and block the view. This girl could bring down a mighty redwood, if you get my drift, even the pills don't help.