During Neutral Milk Hotel's set by the disable section...
Event security #1 asks event security #2 "Do you wanna get clocked out bro? Do you wanna get clocked out?!". Event security #2 tackles #1 and a fight ensues, leaving NMH audiences dumbfounded. People started to break the fight between security #1 and #2, event security #3 decides to help break the fight, #2 gets up, brushes dirt off his shoulders and says "I'm cool" and proceeds to blindside #3 with a sucker punch and walks away like nothing happened. Security #3 keeps on working with a broken and bloody nose.
We forgot about the band for a hot minute.
I have a bad habit of always choosing the slowest security line at the festival entrance. On Sunday I watched a young security guard (looked to be in his early 20s) go through this girl's bag for at least five minutes. I sat there watching the line next to me move about 20 people through the gate, all my friends behind me are grumbling and I'm about ready to tell this kid to give it a rest when he pulls a bag of molly out of this girl's backpack. He finally waves the girl through and I watch him go over to the trashcan by his table and make a feeble attempt to act like he was throwing the bag away before stuffing it in his back pocket. Then he starts in on my stuff checking every little nook and cranny and I finally speak up. "Let's make this quick, buddy, you're the one with the drugs in his pocket, not me." The line started moving much faster.
In VIP I overheard two girls talking:
Girl#1 " I'm like, really really proud of us" Girl#2 "Proud of us for what? Yesterday?" Girl#1 "yeah, we didn't have sex" Girl#2 "I know we were getting SO FREAKY in the sarhara tent, like too freaky!"
on the shuttle ride back a couple was arguing for the longest time and it was obvious the guy was trying with all his might not to scream at her. But eventually he lost his cool and said "you fucked him in the ass, thats why he texted you that. I'm fucking done with you you fucking loser, don't touch me"
on sunday I was also waiting in line to go urinate. Choosing a stall to wait at is like playing russian roullete, you never know if the person in front of you is taking a shit or not. Well the guy in front of me clearly took a shit as I waited for 5 minutes for him to get done. When he finally finished, I walked in ready to break the seal. The only problem wa that the toilet was literally full all the way to the top of the toilet seat. The dude in front of me literally squeezed in a turd when there was mere centimeters left before you saw complete overflow.
"Everyone went crazy when Robin Thicke came out for Blurred Lines"
caught the tail end of this conversation in the Sahara:
"that way we can rage face for the rest of the night in the Yuma"
This was briefly mentioned by Casey in the boardies you met thread.
Sunday afternoon Salah and I were sitting on the ground in the beer barn enjoying a drink and a conversation. Out of nowhere 2 young very obviously fucked up girls come and sit down, and completely interrupt us. They were sitting so close that my knees were touching one of the girls knees. Mind you, there was plenty of room. Salah and I kind of give each other a confused look before I ask if we know the girls. The one furthest from me leans over, starts rubbing my chest, and responds "no, but you guys just look fun and hot. We wanna get to know you." Salah is very irritated and just says to them "you don't wanna know us. we're not fun." The one girl that was rubbing my chest begins to freak out on him yelling things like "YOU'RE RUDE! YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO MAKE ANY FRIENDS BEING LIKE THAT!" We both calmly just laugh and say "good", "who cares", etc. At this point I kinda felt bad, but was still just laughing at the girls. That empathy quickly left when the girl started shouting "MY DAD… MY DAD… MY DAD OWNS… MY DAD!" I lose my shit laughing hysterically at this point along with many onlookers while Salah just starts saying shit like "OMG what does your dad own? Your dad is rich? I wanna be friends now!" Sadly, her friend dragged her away before we got to hear what kind of a big shot her dad is.
I had the best line of both weekends:
Young, shirtless bro to me and my body builder friend: "You two lift."
Me: "Yeah, your legs over your head."
That shut his ass up right proper.
the funniest thing for me: i stopped in the beer barn to rest a bit and grab a drink. as i sat at one of the picnic tables in the back corner, salah comes up to me and unloads on me about his frustrations with the crowd this year and coachella in general. it doesn't bother me. nosurprises and stinkbutt with his entourage joined a bit later. the best part was when i asked salah if had heard about carpoolchella. he looked at me quizzically. i then told him that superfan won. the look on salah's face alone made the price of admission worth it. swear to god, if his eyes could roll completely back into his head and back around, they would've. it was evident at that point salah was OVER IT. #bitchychella. good times
Also, fucked up girl to her expecting friend: "You probably shouldn't do acid when you're pregnant."
One of my friends within the first hour of the gates opening on friday weekend 2 thought the caterpillar planter thing was a playground and that he could climb to the top and lay up there. He ended smashing all the plates of flowers out of the caterpillar and having to out run security.
In between MGMT and Foster the People I was with my friends near the front and there was a group of people from Mexico just starting chants and eventually a lot of the crowd was chanting whatever guys were saying. They started chanting "tits out for the boys, tits out for the boys." The entire crowd around us was chanting this over and over. It was pretty funny.
Heard a girl tell her friends she wasn't talking to them ever again if they weren't at Calvin Klein with her.
Saw a kid walk into an empty Yuma with two of his his friends. He immediately dropped to his stomach upon entry and started flailing around like he was having(and what I thought was really happening) the most intense seizure I had ever witnessed. He probably dragged himself about 2/3rds of the way across the Yuma before I could process the fact I wasn't seeing a kid dying and he was faking. He made it to the exit next to me, hopped up and walked out. His friends never laughed or even acknowledged what was happening. I wish there was video of this.
This is a bit of a third-hand story (told to me by my gf), but Sunday night after I fell asleep, the couple camping catty-corner to us starting having a HUGE domestic dispute. Apparently, she texted some other guy (who, as we heard during the chaos, she wasn't having adult relations with), and the man started flipping out like crazy ("Why did you have me meet your parents? Why did I even have to visit your brother in prison," et al), and things got loud enough that another one of our neighbors was screaming "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!" at those too. Eventually, he told her that "I don't date whores!" and kept saying "buh-bye" in the most condescending tone possible as she left in tears. In the morning, he left too, leaving behind an empty champagne bottles and a TON of official UFC Octagon shot-glasses.
The irony of this is that he was super flirty with the ladies in the camp next to us and was hitting on them all weekend, all while sporting a look (white-boy dreads, wife-beater shirt) that screamed "date rape."
A couple of things that stood out to me...
When leaving Blood Orange's set yesterday, I heard a guy tell his girlfriend, "Man, that Blood Orange is the ORANGIEST!"
And then on Saturday, I walked by a shirtless guy who had "nobody puts Do Lab in the corner" written on his stomach...