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I love the serious inquiries only disclaimer
certificate of authenticity...
I don't know if this was posted in here or not, but I thought it was pretty funny. My brother is a notorious zen-master.
this is off craigslist.
After reading some of the hilarious ads from people both selling and trying to acquire tickets to the 2009 Coachella Music and Arts Festival, I thought I'd share a bit of friendly advice. Most intelligent people would already be aware of these facts, but it's a big world and some of you look like you need a bit of help.
1) 3-Day passes are still on sale through Ticketmaster. If you are trying to sell your 3-day pass for more than face value you are almost as retarded as anyone who considers buying it.
2) Saturday and Sunday single day tickets are also still on sale through Ticketmaster, so if you're trying to sell tickets for these days at face value + fees, think about how extraordinarily stupid that really is. Do I really want to drive all the way out to Woodland Hills and make a cash exchange for tickets that may or may not be real when I could sit in the comfort of my own and buy the same tickets online for the same fucking price with total consumer security? Drop the prices a bit retards, otherwise it's not even worth the time.
3) If you send anyone money through Western Union and expect them to mail you tickets and then are shocked to find out that this person may have just scammed you - don't be shocked. You are retarded and you most certainly were scammed.
4) If you are trying to buy tickets to Friday's show and were dismayed to find that the single day tickets are sold out and everyone on Craigslist is asking a ridiculous amount of money for them, HAVE SOME PATIENCE. Wait until the week before the show to buy your tickets - there will be 3 times as many available on Craigslist and most people selling them will be desperate, so the price will be right. If you're a true Zen-master you'll wait til the day of the show and score one in front of the Polo Fields for pennies, or at the very least buy one for face value at the box office since they WILL release more tickets the day of the event.
So there you have it, folks. Thanks for playing. If in the coming weeks I notice that the ads for Coachella tics are slightly less clueless then my work here was not in vain.
Reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-04-07, 11:47AM PDT
VOLUNTEER RESEARCH SUBJECTS NEEDED (San Francisco)
Experienced Meth Users Needed!
For a 7-day outpatient 7-day inpatient study investigating the physical and mental effects of methamphetamine.
You may be eligible if you are:
1. At least 18 years old.
2. In good physical and mental health.
3. Experienced with methamphetamine.
Addiction Pharmacology Research Laboratory
California Pacific Medical Center Research Institute at St. Luke’s Hospital
Cesar Chavez and Valencia St., San Francisco
For more information, please call
415-641-3370 weekdays 8:30am - 5:30pm or leave a message.
Ask for Study 1H
* Location: San Francisco
* Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
* Please, no phone calls about this job!
* Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
Its nice that they offer to reimburse your meth.
it cracked me up that shes kicking it on the couch.
WTF?!Clean microwave in good condition
sexy... where do I sign up?
craigslist ended my life
I am proud to say that the listing on the first post is from my hometown.
"Who is this doing this synthetic type of Alpha Beta psychedelic funkin'?"
Reasons why I should be your girl: The punk/alternative edition.
Date: 2009-07-16, 2:48AM
If you opened this post, chances are, you're curious as to what the title alludes to. Just to put this out there, I'm real - not a bot-generated pseudo sexpot trying to stick your computer with some of the e-herpes.
I'm sick of dating insipid, ungrateful assholes. I'm not going to spew a bunch of bullshit like other ads saying that "OMG I NEED A REEEALL MAAN WHO CAN TAKE CARE OF MEEE". Truth is, I'm in college, you're (hopefully) between the ages of 18-23, and probably don't have a 9 to 5 white-collar job with a 401k that pays enough for you to drive your badass porsche. And you know what? That's fine with me.
Anyway. Onto the whole "reasons" portion of my ad. I will give it to you in list form because that seems better than assaulting you with a wall of text.
1. I am smart enough to use big words in appropriate situations.
2. I have a mohawk. A fairly large mohawk, a few piercings, and can sport a pretty unpleasant scowl when necessary. no one's going to fuck with you if they see your girlfriend's some punkass bitch that could probably curbstomp their head in, right?
3. I am a legit bisexual, I've dated girls before. That means I've been on your side of this whole "relationship" thing. I am not going to try and imprison you with my compulsive girly insecurities. I'm not going to make you stop hanging out with your friends or prevent you from going to shows. I won't even tell you to stop guzzling nasty PBR or to put that fatass joint down long enough to have a coherent conversation. And I'm certainly not going to bitch about it to my other lady friends behind your back (unless you fail to share said fatass joint with me.)
4. I am well-read. I am very familiar with most pop-culture references (especially ones that deal with retro shit- my specialty.) so on the off chance that you're sober enough to drop some laugh-inducing reference to a terrible 80's move you saw when watching TNT the other day, I WILL ACTUALLY GET IT.
6. I love movies. I love HORROR movies, and the older/low-budget they are, the better. I think films such as Braindead, Army of Darkness, or Nekromantik are fucking hilarious. That means that you won't have to worry about spending precious money on movie theater dates, because chances are, I already bought/legally obtained that shit. The only exception would fall under Rocky Horror midnight showings.
7. I can sew and paint. That means I can make awesome patches of your favorite crust bands, then sew them onto your totally awesome punk rock jacket for you. I can also do deathrock, anarcho, and most psychobilly logos, too.
8. Remember the bisexual thing? I'm not going to bitch when you remark about how Kat Von D/Bettie Paige/Patricia Day/[insert other pinup model name here] is totally bangin'. In fact, I'll most likely agree with you and then continue painting the Crass symbol onto the back of your favorite black t-shirt.
9. I'm loyal. Do you know how hard it is to come accross a guy like you? Of course you don't. So if you really are the one-in-a-million, smart, funny, attractive, punkass shithead that I'm looking for, I will not be looking elsewhere. I promise!
10. I can cook anything for you, as long as a microwave is involved at some point.
11. Are you computer retarded? No problem. I pretty much rule at computers and can probably fix it for you! How useful is that?!
12. I enjoy the smell of cigarette smoke. Being a smoker isn't a necessity, but if you do smoke, that's pretty damn hot, so I'm not going to bitch at you to quit.
13. I am impressed by the little things. You don't have to buy me shit to make me happy. You don't have to clean up nice and take me out to a semi-fancy restaurant. You can continue to spit on the ground, make sarcastic remarks about how society "conforms to generalizations created by capitalist pigs", and laugh about skull-fucking dead babies. Being yourself is good enough. Just be able to come around and see me every once in a while, k?
Hope that covers everything. If I'm the sort of classy broad that's worth your time, please feel free to message. I have a myspace, your pic gets mine, etc.
"Who is this doing this synthetic type of Alpha Beta psychedelic funkin'?"
Besides the mohawk, cigs and the fact that she is on craigslist she could be a winner
"HIGH END RAP MUSIC! GHETTO STADIUM SHIT! THEY AIN'T WANT US AT THE FESTIVALS
NOW WE WILL RUN THEM!"
I've found that posting an ad on Craiglist, simply to elicit responses, just to see what type of insanity lurks out there is an extremely entertaining social experiment.
wow, man. posted two ads on friday about free stuff. i dont have it anymore. with in 20 min of the first post, a lady shows up in a pick-up to take everything. EVERYTHING!!! her truck was loaded. i worded the add as to suggest it wouldnt be out until the morning. this was at 1030pm. she ended up leaving the adult magazines. funny, huh. so i pull that add and post a new one. "Adult Magazines" again, 20 mins later some dude shows up with 3 other guys in the car. pulled pretty quick, so i put my hand in pocket where i have my knife. its dark out and they rolled up pretty quick, just being cautious. dude gets out and with the funniest enthusiasm and excitement in his voice...
"Hey, you still got those magazines?"
"yeah, over here."
"cool. got anything else?"
no, its all gone."
there were a total of 4 grown men in the fucking car. this happened at like 1130pm.
you helped facilitate a midnight circle jerk...nice work!