View Full Version : The Legend of Chuck Norris

02-06-2007, 05:27 PM
I tried posting this in the movie corner, but apparently it's the new Don Knotts.

Click this fucking link! (http://legendofchucknorris.com/trailer.html)

It's a trailer to a movie that will possibly change your life!

02-06-2007, 05:32 PM
that could have been SO much better.

02-06-2007, 05:36 PM
Your parents say the same thing about you every day.

02-06-2007, 05:36 PM
but dont you agree? (about chuck)

02-06-2007, 05:52 PM
It's just a trailer. I'm confident that the full-length movie will delve much deeper into all the various Norris legends and mine them for significant (though probably not full, now that you mention it) comic effect.

02-06-2007, 06:03 PM
oh so there is actually a movie going to be made? i thought it was just a trailer for fun.

02-06-2007, 06:09 PM


06-06-2007, 08:38 AM
Chuck Norris is a stupid Republican hack and an "actor" who cannot act to save his life.

06-06-2007, 08:59 AM
you know they say Chuck Norris is so tough, there's no chin under his beard...only a fist.

06-06-2007, 09:03 AM
Thats awesome..

06-06-2007, 09:05 AM
Peewee Herman>Chuck Norris

06-06-2007, 09:47 AM
Peewee Herman > kroqken

06-06-2007, 10:26 AM
chuck norris once beat the sun in a staring contest

06-06-2007, 10:51 AM
Chuck invented the sun.

06-06-2007, 12:07 PM
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

06-06-2007, 12:23 PM

06-06-2007, 12:35 PM

06-06-2007, 12:38 PM

06-06-2007, 12:39 PM
This Chuck Norris shit has never, ever been funny. It's right up there with pirate and ninja humor.

06-06-2007, 12:44 PM

06-06-2007, 12:44 PM
Ninjas are not funny, they are deadly. The deadly arts is nothing to joke about. Who is going to save your wife and baby from the Yakuza, because you had a drug deal go wrong????

Thats right a fucking ninja. respect.

06-06-2007, 12:55 PM
N to the

O to the

R to the

R to the

I to the

S Chuck Norris

ooooooo this is the chorus.

06-06-2007, 02:04 PM
lastgreatman is a hater...or he just doesnt understand the sheer godliness of chuck

he once ordered a big mac at burger king...and got one!

06-06-2007, 02:11 PM
lastgreatman is a hater...or he just doesnt understand the sheer godliness of chuck

he once ordered a big mac at burger king...and got one!

How is that funny?

06-06-2007, 02:12 PM
How is that funny?

How is any of this?

06-06-2007, 02:13 PM
I agree. This place has gone to shit.

06-06-2007, 02:14 PM
How is that funny?

its not...
and just for the record, chuck norris fucking sucks...

06-06-2007, 02:31 PM
Chuck Norris jokes will never get old. They have a permanent place in popular humor, like dead baby jokes.

06-06-2007, 03:13 PM
it wasnt meant to be funny...its just an amazing fact that you cant seem to grasp...one day my boy, one day

06-06-2007, 03:15 PM
How is any of this?

maybe they just need to up your dose of lexapro =)

shiny happy people

06-06-2007, 03:24 PM
it wasnt meant to be funny...its just an amazing fact that you cant seem to grasp...one day my boy, one day


Kind of like this amazing fact?

06-06-2007, 03:44 PM
I always preferred the late Charles Bronson is Death WIsh 4: Kinjate Fiorbidden Subject (I think that was the title).

06-06-2007, 05:03 PM

Kind of like this amazing fact?

haha wow....now thats classy! im not all hardcore navy so oh well...anyone i was never on a ship, so no knob turning for me, sorry

youre still welcome to join!

06-06-2007, 05:06 PM
Chuck Norris invented humor. He invented the Navy, and he invented Coachella.

06-06-2007, 05:30 PM
but everyone knows that...

06-06-2007, 05:42 PM

Barbara, the ninja
06-06-2007, 06:26 PM
Ninjas are not funny, they are deadly. The deadly arts is nothing to joke about. Who is going to save your wife and baby from the Yakuza, because you had a drug deal go wrong????

Thats right a fucking ninja. respect.

Truer words have never been spoken.

06-06-2007, 06:27 PM

06-07-2007, 08:35 AM
Chuck Wagon dog food > Chuck Norris

06-07-2007, 08:44 AM

Greatest article ever.

Rap/rock Is Life
06-10-2007, 09:41 AM
chuck norris does not sleep...HE WAITS! chuck is da ultimate JUGGALO

06-10-2007, 10:09 AM
Does anyone know when this is comming out?

06-10-2007, 10:25 AM
it wasnt meant to be funny...its just an amazing fact that you cant seem to grasp...one day my boy, one day

god u are making this so hard, chuck norris jokes are funny, but its natural instinct to disagree with anything u say.

06-10-2007, 10:25 AM
CHuck Norris once punched a man in his soul.

06-10-2007, 10:26 AM
chuck norris does not sleep...HE WAITS! chuck is da ultimate JUGGALO

nevermind, i now withdraw any Chuck Norris being cool statements. unless you are, in fact, an alias.

06-12-2007, 02:20 PM
Will Chuck Norris become some exaggerated historical figure a la King Arthur a thousand years from now because of all these jokes? I say yes.

06-13-2007, 08:17 AM
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.

Chuck Norris never played with rubber ducks in the bathtub. His 3 favorite bath toys consisted of a radio, a toaster, and a middle aged Vietnamese man.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Jeep.

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.

Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley.

Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.

The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever asks him for his ID.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.

Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends".

Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says.

The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.

Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

06-13-2007, 08:29 AM
Clicky Clicky. (http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Chuck_norris)

Barbara, the ninja
06-13-2007, 08:52 AM

06-13-2007, 10:10 AM
suprised this hasn't happened yet.


06-13-2007, 10:14 AM

06-13-2007, 11:02 AM
More Walker Texas Ranger lever on Conan...


06-13-2007, 11:53 AM
oh man, that cracked me up.

02-06-2008, 11:34 PM
I feel since Chuck has been very visible recently, a bump is in order. Maybe a thread move over to the Misc. Lounge, as well.

Chuck Norris shits metal.

He can cut trees down with his abs.

And all this other stuff, too.


02-06-2008, 11:53 PM
Only Conan made Chuck Norris funny. The rest of this shit is the most annoying internet trend since ninja/pirate bullshit.

02-07-2008, 12:06 AM
chuck norris should be on the Humor tent at bonnaroo
where he could be really appreciated =D

02-07-2008, 02:46 AM

02-07-2008, 08:48 AM
Chuck Norris is not an internet trend.

He does not surf the internet, he uses the internet to surf.

02-07-2008, 10:22 AM
And none of it's original. It's been done before. In a few years these exact same sayings will be applied to someone else. And all the kids won't realize that anyone had applied the sayings to Chuck Norris.

02-07-2008, 10:22 AM
And this thread has nothing to do with music.

02-07-2008, 10:24 AM
replacing Chuck Norris with Hulk Hogan works well.

Barbara, the ninja
02-07-2008, 11:15 AM
I think Bill Nye is the new Chuck Norris now. Except all his facts are related to math/science:

Some people can recite the first few thousand digits of pi. Bill Nye can recite the last thousand digits of pi.

There is no chaos theory. Only Bill Nye's desire for change.

Bill Nye knows more than Laplace's Demon.

Bill Nye is the only person who is allowed in the lab area without goggles.

I think they're cute.

02-07-2008, 12:05 PM
those are like chuck norris facts for 5 year olds.

02-07-2008, 12:07 PM
Only Conan made Chuck Norris funny. The rest of this shit is the most annoying internet trend since ninja/pirate bullshit.

Your continued use of the internet in any, way, shape or form is a trend I'd like to see end.

Barbara, the ninja
02-07-2008, 12:19 PM
those are like chuck norris facts for 5 year olds.

Yeah, 'cause every 5 year old knows about Laplace's demon. And what pi is.

They're geeky, that's all :(

02-07-2008, 12:23 PM
Tv Sheriff did his own tribute to Chuck Norris..


02-07-2008, 01:20 PM
And this thread has nothing to do with music.

I did request that this thread be moved elsewhere when I bumped it.

But I don't think Ms. Friend dares enter the Chuck Norris thread.

Maybe Chuck Norris has her held captive so she can't move it!

02-08-2008, 12:01 AM
I can't believe you started a thread about Chuck Norris.

02-08-2008, 10:15 PM
Jackie Chan >>>>>>> Chuck Norris

02-08-2008, 10:20 PM
Although I admit Conan O'briens Norris lever was sweet.