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Thread: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

  1. #1
    Member joppy-slow's Avatar
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    Default Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    Employee Bathroom Protocol 101

    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

    FLY BY:
    This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

    CROP DUSTING:
    When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.


    ESCAPEE:
    This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it .Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK:
    When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH:
    The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME:
    Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
    This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
    A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS:
    A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom

    TURD BURGLAR:
    This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH:
    A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE:
    An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall This will all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire,leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

    WATERMELON:
    A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA OMELET:
    A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

    UNCLE TODD:
    An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
    2001, 2004, 2007, 2009

    2013 EDM wishlish (please):

    classixx, stanton warriors, logistics, jefr tale
    spencer & hill, bent, eric prydz, mike realm, nick thayer
    kruder & dorfmeister, young punx, phonat, treasure fingers
    Kraak & Smaak, sergio & benoit, kris menace, bassjackers, DJ Craze
    DIGITALISM, knifeparty, chemical brothers, bassbintwins, seth troxler

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    zeezus amyzzz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    Someone did a turd burglar on me at the Coachella campground. I hate that.

  3. #3
    Coachella Junkie algunz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    In college, we had co-ed bathrooms. No matter what etiquette you might try to follow, there was no way of avoiding those awkward moments.

  4. #4
    old school invisiblerobots's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????


  5. #5
    Coachella Junkie SFChrissy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    Nothing beats working in a construction trailer with a cunt of boss who has IBS and blows up the bathroom while you can hear toilet echoes of her farts blowing up the toilet during the work day...best revenge on my boss ever...the embaressment she experienced!!!

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    Peaceful Oasis TomAz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    the only thing worse than the original post are the responses. sheesh people. i want to poke you all with cattle prods.
    Quote Originally Posted by efrain44 View Post
    Anyone know who the guy in the Cardinals jersey is? I've seen him in pictures on the board and I thought I saw him this year.

  7. #7
    zeezus amyzzz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    Please.

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    LOLocaust Survivor Hannahrain's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    It's a stupid day for the internet.

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    Member joppy-slow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    Quote Originally Posted by Hannahrain View Post
    It's a stupid day for the internet.
    please....
    2001, 2004, 2007, 2009

    2013 EDM wishlish (please):

    classixx, stanton warriors, logistics, jefr tale
    spencer & hill, bent, eric prydz, mike realm, nick thayer
    kruder & dorfmeister, young punx, phonat, treasure fingers
    Kraak & Smaak, sergio & benoit, kris menace, bassjackers, DJ Craze
    DIGITALISM, knifeparty, chemical brothers, bassbintwins, seth troxler

  10. #10
    Member BoneDaddy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    Our bathrooms at work are silent. You can hear the snap crackle pop of the person crapping next to you. They are also freezing.
    I'll take you. I can't promise to stay soft the whole time, though.

  11. #11
    Coachella Junkie SFChrissy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    luckily for me I'm on a time schedule...I don't have to worry 'bout relieving myself at work except for peepee breaks...

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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    Quote Originally Posted by Hannahrain View Post
    It's a stupid day for the internet.
    It must be a great day for Amyzzz then.

  13. #13
    zeezus amyzzz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    Not really.

  14. #14
    Old Gay Guy gaypalmsprings's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    Quote Originally Posted by SepaGroove View Post
    You shouldn't feel uncool for not going to EDC, you should feel uncool because you are uncool.

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    The Encyclopedia bmack86's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    I don't think I'd ever worry much about something that everyone has to do. It's biology.
    Quote Originally Posted by canexplain View Post
    Remember Hitler? I don't but here we are again .. cr****

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    Member garrett222's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    Quote Originally Posted by J~$$$ View Post
    It must be a great day for Amyzzz then.
    hahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahaha

    amyzzz + tomAZ = Lamechella '09
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    Coachella Junkie woogie846's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    It's funny, because all of those tips are true.

  18. #18
    Member arbouler's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    i'm a courtesy flusher!!! hooray!
    usually once the poop is let go you just have to flush it away so the smell doesn't waft straight up your nose. it's so gross to smell your own poo. sometimes i tend to lean sideways towards the wall so i dont catch the smell.

    this thread is quite amazing btw.

  19. #19
    Coachella Junkie greghead's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    There's an Uncle Todd at my work that I want to strangle. Nothing is worse than waiting to unleash a barrage of filth because some old codger won't get the fuck out.
    Quote Originally Posted by nathanfairchild View Post
    Has Pitchfork revealed it's top 200 covers by Arcade Fire yet?

  20. #20
    Coachella Junkie Pixiessp's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    there is a woman i work with that will tell me when to stay away from the bathroom. All she has to say is "I'm feeling bubbly" and i know.
    She tells me a lot of other embarrassing things that I really would rather not hear but that one is neccessary.

  21. #21
    Banned marooko's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    the courtesy flush shown is wrong. a courtesy flush is flushing before you sit. that way you get rid of any remnants that may end up on your ass or balls if you happen to splash.

  22. #22
    Peaceful Oasis TomAz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    Quote Originally Posted by garrett222 View Post
    hahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahaha

    amyzzz + tomAZ = Lamechella '09
    keep up the good work, garrrettt
    Quote Originally Posted by efrain44 View Post
    Anyone know who the guy in the Cardinals jersey is? I've seen him in pictures on the board and I thought I saw him this year.

  23. #23
    Banned marooko's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    the courtesy flush is also when you flush twice, to make sure you dont leave any trace.

  24. #24
    Old Gay Guy gaypalmsprings's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    I hate it when people put used toilet paper in the waste can.
    Quote Originally Posted by SepaGroove View Post
    You shouldn't feel uncool for not going to EDC, you should feel uncool because you are uncool.

  25. #25
    Daft Punky Junkie BROKENDOLL's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    Quote Originally Posted by gaypalmsprings View Post
    I hate it when people put used toilet paper in the waste can.
    GayPalm, I noticed that when I first moved to this desert. Apparently, those here from less developed countries haven't realized how real plumbing works.
    Its like the Infinite Monkey Theorem, if you put X amount of monkeys in a room with a typewriter and ask them to give you Shakespeare 99% of them will fling their shit at you while the other 1% will masturbate in the corner.

  26. #26
    Member garrett222's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    Quote Originally Posted by TomAz View Post
    keep up the good work, garrrettt
    Thanks TommmmmAZ. Coming from you that means a whole lotta nothing. Better transfer some money from savings to checking to pay for that espn.com/insider account..don't want to overdraw!!!
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    Quote Originally Posted by arbouler View Post
    i'm a courtesy flusher!!! hooray!
    usually once the poop is let go you just have to flush it away so the smell doesn't waft straight up your nose. it's so gross to smell your own poo. sometimes i tend to lean sideways towards the wall so i dont catch the smell.
    courtesy flushes are good in theory, but im always afraid to do it cuz some toilets flush so violently that some water splashes out, and the thought of that water hitting my ass and/or balls is disgusting, so id rather just stink the place up.

    Quote Originally Posted by marooko View Post
    the courtesy flush shown is wrong. a courtesy flush is flushing before you sit. that way you get rid of any remnants that may end up on your ass or balls if you happen to splash.
    Quote Originally Posted by marooko View Post
    the courtesy flush is also when you flush twice, to make sure you dont leave any trace.
    no, you are wrong on both accounts. the original post is correct. a courtesy flush is flushing right after your poop comes out as to minimize smell. any other definition is wrong.
    Let's go on a livin' spree!

  28. #28
    Beef Supreme Mr.Nipples's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    there was a kid in high school who had the face of a horse who was named garrett, we called him gayrat...

  29. #29
    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    Havana Omelet is still kinda a funny name.
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

  30. #30
    Banned marooko's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you a TURD BURGLAR ?????????

    Quote Originally Posted by sexecutioner View Post
    courtesy flushes are good in theory, but im always afraid to do it cuz some toilets flush so violently that some water splashes out, and the thought of that water hitting my ass and/or balls is disgusting, so id rather just stink the place up.




    no, you are wrong on both accounts. the original post is correct. a courtesy flush is flushing right after your poop comes out as to minimize smell. any other definition is wrong.
    to each his own. but you're wrong.

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