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Thread: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

  1. #631
    old school ThatGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    Quote Originally Posted by guedita View Post
    My new co-worker laughs after he makes statements pertaining to our work.

    "I think we can eliminate that table and just put in the attachment, which gives them more detail about the test results ha ha ha HA!"

    "We'll want to go through and check to make sure that the components are consistent in each section ha ha ha HA!"
    Maybe you should have picked the prettier one.
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    hey. get your own colonoscopy thread, bitch.

  2. #632
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    Quote Originally Posted by guedita View Post
    My new co-worker laughs after he makes statements pertaining to our work.

    "I think we can eliminate that table and just put in the attachment, which gives them more detail about the test results ha ha ha HA!"

    "We'll want to go through and check to make sure that the components are consistent in each section ha ha ha HA!"
    So a literal LOL? You should video this so that people that complain about people adding "LOL" at the end of every sentence know that this is a real thing.
    Quote Originally Posted by guedita View Post
    Which healthcare provider will euthanize you the fastest as a service to society?
    9/18 Fatboy Slim@Shrine - 9/19 Poolside@Skyway Pomona - 9/22 Interpol@Fox Pomona - 9/23 La Roux@Fonda - 9/25 Simian Mobile Disco@El Rey - 9/26 Die Antwoord@Observatory - 10/8 Gus Gus@Roxy - 10/10 Twin Shadow@Glass House - 10/12,19,26 IAMX@Complex - 10/24 Placebo@Club Nokia - 10/25 Superhumanoids@Palladium - 10/27 Tycho@Glass House - 10/31 Yelle@Fonda

  3. #633
    Member insbordnat's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    It sounds like a nervous tic/utterance.
    northside groove...southside groove....eastside groove...westside groove

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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    Quote Originally Posted by insbordnat View Post
    It sounds like a nervous tic/utterance.
    I thought that at first, but he seems genuinely amused and delighted by the particulars of FDA guidelines.

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  5. #635
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    I moved into a new office, the guy in the cube next to me eats several hard boiled eggs each morning, then belches and farts all afternoon. I have been told this is nothing though, eventually he will start eating cans of smoked oysters and sardines, which smells even more disgusting.
    Quote Originally Posted by SlowMotionApocalypse View Post
    I have snuck in weapons before
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    A butt plug is not a weapon.

  6. #636
    zeezus amyzzz's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    Ew that's why I hate when people bring food to eat at their desk. Is there a break room at your office?
    Quote Originally Posted by guedita View Post
    Because fucking millenials that's what

  7. #637
    Coachella Junkie locachica73's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    Yeah, but he doesn't use it. He eats all of his meals at his desk, and I swear he never stops eating. It's just a continual grazing of smelly food.
    Quote Originally Posted by SlowMotionApocalypse View Post
    I have snuck in weapons before
    Quote Originally Posted by TomAz View Post
    A butt plug is not a weapon.

  8. #638
    old school JorgeC's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    Hostile work environment. File a lawsuit, win, retire. Boom!
    Quote Originally Posted by guedita View Post
    Which healthcare provider will euthanize you the fastest as a service to society?
    9/18 Fatboy Slim@Shrine - 9/19 Poolside@Skyway Pomona - 9/22 Interpol@Fox Pomona - 9/23 La Roux@Fonda - 9/25 Simian Mobile Disco@El Rey - 9/26 Die Antwoord@Observatory - 10/8 Gus Gus@Roxy - 10/10 Twin Shadow@Glass House - 10/12,19,26 IAMX@Complex - 10/24 Placebo@Club Nokia - 10/25 Superhumanoids@Palladium - 10/27 Tycho@Glass House - 10/31 Yelle@Fonda

  9. #639
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    No one on my leadership team like going in the breakroom because the fridge is never cleaned and it really smells in there, so they eat in our office instead. now we have ants.
    Quote Originally Posted by TallGuyCM View Post
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  10. #640
    Coachella Junkie locachica73's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    Whenever the fridge smells someone will volunteer to clean it. The last time the guy who cleaned it took photos of all the old food and emailed them to everyone in the office. Since then, people have tried harder to keep the fridge clean.
    Quote Originally Posted by SlowMotionApocalypse View Post
    I have snuck in weapons before
    Quote Originally Posted by TomAz View Post
    A butt plug is not a weapon.

  11. #641
    Coachella Junkie chairmenmeow47's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    i almost always eat at my desk. but i have positioned myself so no one really sits directly next to me which is awesome.

    also, i have decided to take the PMP exam this november. my work is hosting a discounted paper-based test. i am going to become a PMI member again at the discounted student rate, so really this will only cost me like $130. now to study. i just ordered my third copy of the newest edition of the PMBOK lol. some of the ladies who organized the test are starting a weekly study group. i think that will help me. turns out i know one of the ladies too. i am really, really nervous to do this. from what i have gathered, the test is more about using the language of the book than actually understanding how to manage a project. and i am starting my master's degree next week (Master's of Information Systems). insane? why yes i am
    Quote Originally Posted by malcolmjamalawesome View Post
    It's when we discuss Coachella that we are at our collective dipshittiest.

  12. #642
    Coachella Junkie PlayaDelWes's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    All of that sounds outstanding. Keep up the momentum!
    Quote Originally Posted by dj12inches View Post
    What makes me qualified? I've watched EVERY fucking episode of American Idol, and every single episode of The Voice...Forget that I won departmental music awards when I was in the 8th grade choir.

  13. #643
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    Best of luck!!! Pass that test!!!
    Quote Originally Posted by M Sparks View Post
    It's all riding on this. You've got big dreams to ride to the top of the Flash Mob world. Well internet fame costs. And right now is when you start paying for it...in sweat.
    Quote Originally Posted by TomAz View Post
    hey. get your own colonoscopy thread, bitch.

  14. #644
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    Quote Originally Posted by chairmenmeow47 View Post
    i almost always eat at my desk. but i have positioned myself so no one really sits directly next to me which is awesome.

    also, i have decided to take the PMP exam this november. my work is hosting a discounted paper-based test. i am going to become a PMI member again at the discounted student rate, so really this will only cost me like $130. now to study. i just ordered my third copy of the newest edition of the PMBOK lol. some of the ladies who organized the test are starting a weekly study group. i think that will help me. turns out i know one of the ladies too. i am really, really nervous to do this. from what i have gathered, the test is more about using the language of the book than actually understanding how to manage a project. and i am starting my master's degree next week (Master's of Information Systems). insane? why yes i am
    I know a few people with their PMP. One of them said she took a PMP prep course before the test and felt that was the only reason she passed. She also said only 40% of the people pass the first time. So good luck!

  15. #645
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    Quote Originally Posted by westcoastpirate View Post
    I know a few people with their PMP. One of them said she took a PMP prep course before the test and felt that was the only reason she passed. She also said only 40% of the people pass the first time. So good luck!
    thank you yeah, i have heard similar things. it's like $1,000 to take a prep course though, i just can't afford to do that. i am meeting with a weekly study group. we are using the PMBOK and two other prep guides and taking sample test questions each week. i think this will be sufficient. i have been a project manager for ten years, have taken PMBOK four-day training three times, my business degree concentration courses of 18 credits covered the entire PMBOK, and by the time of the test, i will have read three different versions of the PMBOK. i did pretty well on test questions yesterday. i'm not normally good at tests, but i did really well compared to the rest of the group. i was able to eliminate answers, for example, if it's asking for an input and something listed is a tool or technique, i knew it couldn't be the answer.

    i am not saying i will pass for sure; i just feel i am prepared to study on my own. i am going to get rita's study guide too; one of the study group people has it and it seems to be one of the standard prep books. it's going to be a lot of work, but if i don't pass at least i only spent $100 on the test (and only $30 on the membership) and can try again with the knowledge of what the test is like. it's not like the test is required for my job, i am just doing this for my resume and because it's being offered at a discount right now.
    Quote Originally Posted by malcolmjamalawesome View Post
    It's when we discuss Coachella that we are at our collective dipshittiest.

  16. #646
    Coachella Junkie locachica73's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    I have faith you will pass with no problem.
    Quote Originally Posted by SlowMotionApocalypse View Post
    I have snuck in weapons before
    Quote Originally Posted by TomAz View Post
    A butt plug is not a weapon.

  17. #647
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    Quote Originally Posted by chairmenmeow47 View Post
    thank you yeah, i have heard similar things. it's like $1,000 to take a prep course though, i just can't afford to do that. i am meeting with a weekly study group. we are using the PMBOK and two other prep guides and taking sample test questions each week. i think this will be sufficient. i have been a project manager for ten years, have taken PMBOK four-day training three times, my business degree concentration courses of 18 credits covered the entire PMBOK, and by the time of the test, i will have read three different versions of the PMBOK. i did pretty well on test questions yesterday. i'm not normally good at tests, but i did really well compared to the rest of the group. i was able to eliminate answers, for example, if it's asking for an input and something listed is a tool or technique, i knew it couldn't be the answer.

    i am not saying i will pass for sure; i just feel i am prepared to study on my own. i am going to get rita's study guide too; one of the study group people has it and it seems to be one of the standard prep books. it's going to be a lot of work, but if i don't pass at least i only spent $100 on the test (and only $30 on the membership) and can try again with the knowledge of what the test is like. it's not like the test is required for my job, i am just doing this for my resume and because it's being offered at a discount right now.
    I just took a certification exam for my field, I would say it's similar in scope to the PMP exam. Luckily my work paid for the prep course and exam. I also got a ton of study material from some colleagues and joined an online study group through Virginia Tech. I hadn't taken a 'real' test since I got out of college. I didn't do well on the official practice test through the certifying agency. I was super nervous when I went to the testing center to take the exam, and after I walked out I doubted I did well enough to pass. I got the score in the mail six weeks later and passed with flying colors. You're doing much more prep than I did so you'll do great!

  18. #648
    old school JorgeC's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    Do other large corporations give folks no increase year over year? My company only delayed raises once several years back during the worst of the recession, then shrank the average % of a raise from pre-recession around 6% to 2-3% ever since. One of the changes this year is the "standard" raise (basically if you're an average worker) will be zero. You will only get a raise for going above and beyond your goals. They are calling it a "pay for performance" reward model.

    hmmmmm. Thoughts? Anyone have this at their workplace?
    Quote Originally Posted by guedita View Post
    Which healthcare provider will euthanize you the fastest as a service to society?
    9/18 Fatboy Slim@Shrine - 9/19 Poolside@Skyway Pomona - 9/22 Interpol@Fox Pomona - 9/23 La Roux@Fonda - 9/25 Simian Mobile Disco@El Rey - 9/26 Die Antwoord@Observatory - 10/8 Gus Gus@Roxy - 10/10 Twin Shadow@Glass House - 10/12,19,26 IAMX@Complex - 10/24 Placebo@Club Nokia - 10/25 Superhumanoids@Palladium - 10/27 Tycho@Glass House - 10/31 Yelle@Fonda

  19. #649
    Coachella Junkie chairmenmeow47's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    we used to get raises at the discretion of management when i first started, and there didn't seem to be much consideration for the budget. back then i got 10-12% raises annually. and i was generally getting the "above and beyond" ratings, meaning on a scale of 1-5, i was getting like 4-5. granted, i was making a lot less then. then we started being more budget conscious, meaning if i give you X, i can't give someone else that money. now, you are lucky to get 3% and you pretty much have to be god to get anything above "meeting expectations" or a 3. on the upside, we get them more timely now. one time my review was 8 months late, which means my money came ten months late. now they do all reviews for the company at the same time. the only way to get more money seems to be to threaten to leave the company and ask for a higher offer.
    Quote Originally Posted by malcolmjamalawesome View Post
    It's when we discuss Coachella that we are at our collective dipshittiest.

  20. #650
    Coachella Junkie locachica73's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    An annual review & raise has always been expected at all the companies I have worked for. I like the idea though, I work for a company that has a lot of unnecessary employees who do the bare minimum. They still expect a review & raise. Some of them are aware quit awhile back but the company offered me more money to stay, so they ask me advice on how to get more money, I want to tell them to work harder.
    Quote Originally Posted by SlowMotionApocalypse View Post
    I have snuck in weapons before
    Quote Originally Posted by TomAz View Post
    A butt plug is not a weapon.

  21. #651
    ankle biter guedita's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    Quote Originally Posted by Robin View Post
    3rd day on the job, and I already want to fire her.
    By yesterday the extent of her incompetency had reached farcical heights. Some of my favorites:

    - one weekly task involves placing a lunch order for 15 people, and we went through this task for this specific meeting together on her first day of training. A note accompanying this task: "you should include salads in this order, but can do pizza/sandwiches/wraps as well." When she tried to do it on her own yesterday, she came up to me, confused about what to order and asked if she could order pizza AND salad or just salad or what, to which I responded, "sure, you can do whatever...just make sure there's 15." She ended up placing an order of 15 large salads and 15 sandwiches.

    - she put 5 different calendar invites for the exact same conference call (but with different dial-in information) on the CEO and CFO's calendar

    - Couldn't intuitively fill out the search fields on united.com to book a 1:30 flight for the CEO because there was only a 1:00 pm and 2:00 pm option in the drop down menu. Was stuck there for easily 60 seconds until I intervened. After I booked the flight and she watched, I told her to book the hotel, the name and location of which was listed in the same email requesting the flight booking. She asked if she was supposed to use hotels.com. "No, just...type in the name of the hotel and book it directly." She managed to book a room at the hotel, just in a completely different city than requested.
    Last edited by guedita; 08-22-2014 at 03:14 PM.

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  22. #652
    Coachella Junkie Drinkey McDrinkerstein's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    Why is this person not fired?
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  23. #653
    Member insbordnat's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    Hey, maybe she'll catch on.

    Regarding annual raises - 0% is a joke. Even 2-3% is like not getting a raise given inflation. And "pay for performance"? What the fuck, that should be expected, but at least give a person a 3% raise for cost of living adjustments. If they are doing fuck all at work and are not deserving of the 3% to stay on board, then fire them. 0% is like a passive-aggressive termination.

    I'd say if you are meeting your goals, you should make the 3%. Go above and beyond, and then you can get the 6% or whatever. Usually my annual increases aren't that huge unless I'm changing titles, but then again I get stock and a healthy bonus for meeting performance goals.
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  24. #654
    Coachella Junkie locachica73's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    I have found in my industry that you have to be a pretty horrible human in order to get fired.
    Quote Originally Posted by SlowMotionApocalypse View Post
    I have snuck in weapons before
    Quote Originally Posted by TomAz View Post
    A butt plug is not a weapon.

  25. #655
    Member insbordnat's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    Yes, it's certainly industry specific. I would have had to commit a violent felony while running around the office naked on LSD to get fired at my last employer.
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  26. #656
    Coachella Junkie algunz's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    We just got our first raise in 6 years.

  27. #657
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    There goes our taxes.
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    Coachella Junkie chairmenmeow47's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    how is the new employee doing, ladies?

    and my school now encourages us to IM classmates. it's my first day of class and i already hate this feature. what am i doing? reading the homework. how far along am i? not as far along as i would be if you shut the fuck up.
    Quote Originally Posted by malcolmjamalawesome View Post
    It's when we discuss Coachella that we are at our collective dipshittiest.

  29. #659
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    Thanks for the input guys. So many sad faces around the office lately, kinda sucks. We are rated on a 1-5 scale for each of our goals and anyone that's given a 0-2 should really be on a disciplinary action plan, but it's manager discretion so varies wildly. We do have a standard performance review every year, but having been a manager before, I know that how tight it is budgetwise. Even if an associate goes above and beyond, it won't make all that much difference because it ends up taking away from someone else on the team because in the end, it all has to average out.

    Be average and get 2%, bust your ass and get 2.5%, but your manager is going to have to take that extra 0.5% out of someone else's raise. Disheartening for sure. Only way to get any decent amount is to switch departments, which I do every few years. Will be time to do again soon.
    Quote Originally Posted by guedita View Post
    Which healthcare provider will euthanize you the fastest as a service to society?
    9/18 Fatboy Slim@Shrine - 9/19 Poolside@Skyway Pomona - 9/22 Interpol@Fox Pomona - 9/23 La Roux@Fonda - 9/25 Simian Mobile Disco@El Rey - 9/26 Die Antwoord@Observatory - 10/8 Gus Gus@Roxy - 10/10 Twin Shadow@Glass House - 10/12,19,26 IAMX@Complex - 10/24 Placebo@Club Nokia - 10/25 Superhumanoids@Palladium - 10/27 Tycho@Glass House - 10/31 Yelle@Fonda

  30. #660
    ankle biter guedita's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Office Space Thread II - humanitarian edition

    Quote Originally Posted by Drinkey McDrinkerstein View Post
    Why is this person not fired?
    She was. Her replacement appears to be functionally component.

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