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Thread: Shit Old People Email Me

  1. #1
    Peaceful Oasis TomAz's Avatar
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    Default Shit Old People Email Me

    go ahead. add your own. dumb jokes, incoherent conspiracy theories, racist rantings, whatever you think works

    ***

    The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

    Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

    KABOOM!

    He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

    KA-BLOOEY!

    Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

    BULLS-EYE!

    "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

    So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

    The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

    "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

    "I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

    "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

    "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

    "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
    Quote Originally Posted by efrain44 View Post
    Anyone know who the guy in the Cardinals jersey is? I've seen him in pictures on the board and I thought I saw him this year.

  2. #2
    Peaceful Oasis TomAz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me

    THIS IS VERY, VERY INTERESTING. DO HOPE THAT YOU TAKE THE TIME A VIEW IT. IT'S NEVER TO LATE TO LEARN.

    You are going to say, "I didn't know that!"
    at least 5 times. Really neat stuff here:

    Alaska

    More than half of the coastline of the entire
    United States is in Alaska .





    Antarctica

    Antarctica is the only land on our planet
    that is not owned by any country.
    Ninety percent of the world's ice covers Antarctica .
    This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert. The average yearly total precipitation is about two inches.
    Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it is ice),
    Antarctica is the driest place on the planet,
    with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.


    Canada

    Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined.
    Canada is an Indian word meaning ' Big Village '.



    Chicago


    Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest
    Polish population in the world.


    Detroit

    Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan
    carries the designation M-1.
    So named because it was the first paved roadanywhere.




    Istanbul, Turkey

    Istanbul, Turkey is the only city in the world
    located on two continents.

    Los Angeles


    The full name of Los Angeles is:
    El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de
    Los Angeles de Porciuncula
    It can be abbreviated to 3.6% of its size: L.A.


    New York City

    The term 'The Big Apple' was coined
    by touring jazz musicians of the 1930s
    who used the slang expression 'apple' for any town or city.
    Therefore, to play New York City
    is to play the big time - The Big Apple.

    There are more Irish in New York City
    than in Dublin , Ireland ;
    more Italians in New York City
    than in Rome , Italy ;
    And more Jews in New York City
    than in Tel Aviv , Israel .


    Ohio


    There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio . . .
    everyone is man-made.


    Rome

    The first city to reach a population of 1 million people
    was Rome, Italy (in 133 B.C.)
    There is a city called Rome on every continent.


    Siberia

    Siberia contains more than 25% of the world's forests.




    Roads

    Chances that a road is unpaved:
    in the U.S.A = 1%;
    in Canada = 75%


    Russia

    The deepest hole ever drilled by man is the
    Kola Super deep Borehole, in Russia .
    It reached a depth of 12,261 meters
    (about 40,226 feet or 7.62 miles.)
    It was drilled for scientific research
    and gave up some unexpected discoveries,
    one of which was a huge deposit of hydrogen
    - so massive that the mud coming from the hole
    was boiling with it.


    United States


    The Eisenhower interstate system requires
    that one mile in every five must be straight.
    These straight sections are usable as airstrips
    in times of war or other emergencies.

    .

    I have always said, you should learn something new every day. Unfortunately, many of us are at that age where what we learn today, we forget tomorrow.

    But, give it a shot anyway.
    Quote Originally Posted by efrain44 View Post
    Anyone know who the guy in the Cardinals jersey is? I've seen him in pictures on the board and I thought I saw him this year.

  3. #3
    Coachella Junkie fatbastard's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me


    ...
    Whiskey Sour

    2 oz blended whiskey
    Juice of 1/2 lemon
    1/2 tsp powdered sugar
    1 cherry
    1/2 slice lemon

    Shake blended whiskey, juice of lemon, and powdered sugar with ice and strain into a whiskey sour glass. Decorate with the half-slice of lemon, top with the cherry, and serve.

  4. #4
    Rover canexplain's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me

    I would suck here I suppose because I don't believe in ghosts, Sasquatch (cept the fest), that aliens have been here,or TomAz can be funny. If someone sends me a joke or cat bs, I don't even look at it I'm hooked on reality. cr****
    Have Another Hit Of Colorado Sunshine

  5. #5
    Can't Post anymore. bummer Zafocaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me


  6. #6
    Peaceful Oasis TomAz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me

    Not an email but it still counts:

    I would suck here I suppose because I don't believe in ghosts, Sasquatch (cept the fest), that aliens have been here,or TomAz can be funny. If someone sends me a joke or cat bs, I don't even look at it I'm hooked on reality. cr****
    Quote Originally Posted by efrain44 View Post
    Anyone know who the guy in the Cardinals jersey is? I've seen him in pictures on the board and I thought I saw him this year.

  7. #7
    Old Gay Guy gaypalmsprings's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me


  8. #8
    Old Gay Guy gaypalmsprings's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me


  9. #9
    VigoTheCarpathian
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me

    Hot off the press:

    YES, THIS IS US!!!
    Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take
    responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

    HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was*NOT*the senior citizens who took

    The melody out of music,

    The pride out of appearance,

    The courtesy out of driving,

    The romance out of love,

    The commitment out of marriage,

    The responsibility out of parenthood,
    The togetherness out of the family,

    The learning out of education
    The service out of patriotism,

    The Golden Rule from rulers,

    The nativity scene out of cities,

    The civility out of behavior,

    The refinement out of language,

    The dedication out of employment,

    The*prudence out of spending,

    The ambition out of achievement or
    **********
    God out of government and school.


    And we certainly are NOT the ones who
    eliminated patience and tolerance from
    personal relationships and interactions with
    others!!

    And, we do understand the meaning of
    patriotism, and remember those who have
    fought and died for our country.

    Just look at the Seniors with tears in their
    eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand
    at attention with their hand over their hearts!

    YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

    I'm the life of the party.....even if it lasts until
    8 p.m.

    I'm very good at opening childproof caps.....
    with a hammer.

    I'm awake many hours before my body allows
    me to get up.

    I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a
    thing you're saying.

    I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure
    place, somewhere.

    I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

    I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.


    Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having
    the time of my life!
    Now if I could only remember who sent this to me,
    I wouldn't send it back to them.
    Spread the laughter
    Share the cheer
    Let's be happy
    While we're here.

    And, MAY GOD BLESS
    AMERICA
    AND MAY AMERICA THANK GOD!!

    [Message clipped]Download entire message
    Last edited by VigoTheCarpathian; 02-09-2013 at 08:28 AM.

  10. #10
    Member santasutt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me

    Great Thread.


    Begin forwarded message:


    The Barn Yard
    The Little Red Hen

    "Who will help me plant my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

    "Not I," said the cow.

    "Not I," said the duck.

    "Not I," said the pig.

    "Not I," said the goose.

    "Then I will do it by myself." She planted her crop and the wheat grew and
    ripened.

    "Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

    "Not I," said the duck.

    "Out of my classification," said the pig.

    "I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.

    "I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.

    "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.

    "Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.

    "That would be overtime for me," said the cow.

    "I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.

    "I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.

    "If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.

    "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.

    She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see.
    They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share but the little red hen
    said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves."

    "Excess profits!" cried the cow (Nancy Pelosi)
    "Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck (Barbara Boxer)
    "I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose (Jesse Jackson)
    The pig just grunted in disdain (Harry Reid)

    And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

    When the farmer (Obama) came, he said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy."
    "But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.

    "Exactly," said Barack the farmer. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle."

    And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand."

    But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and g ot her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.

    Individual initiative had died but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared so
    long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.

    And perhaps...this is the end.

    And the next week, there was no bread, or anything else to eat. So, they
    all starved equally.

    EPILOGUE

    Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.

    Hillary got $8 million for hers.

    That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

    DO WE LIVE IN A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?

    Ain't it the truth!
    And we ha ven't even heard the last from the current administration.

  11. #11
    Banned marooko's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me

    Hey Tom, send me an email so I can post it here.

  12. #12
    Old Gay Guy gaypalmsprings's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me

    RETIREMENT

    One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home.

    On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.

    I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

    On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

    This time my curiosity got the best of me, so I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.

    'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your Front lawn?'

    'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes,- they're having a yard sale.

  13. #13
    Member gazercmh's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me

    Don't open previous email form me -Account hacked
    Thursday, February 7, 2013 9:25 AM
    From: This sender is DomainKeys verified
    To: undisclosed-recipients

    All,

    It appears my account was hacked by someone in Latvia! I've changed my password and run a Norton scan so anything going forward should be fine.

    Sorry.

  14. #14
    old school ThatGirl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by M Sparks View Post
    It's all riding on this. You've got big dreams to ride to the top of the Flash Mob world. Well internet fame costs. And right now is when you start paying for it...in sweat.
    Quote Originally Posted by TomAz View Post
    hey. get your own colonoscopy thread, bitch.

  15. #15
    old school Bud Luster's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me

    I usually just delete them, but I'm sure I'll have some doozies for this thread very soon.
    Quote Originally Posted by PotVsKtl View Post
    The middle class needs sick beats.

  16. #16
    Cult Leader koryp's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me

    I think this thread would be more i interesting if it were "shit old people mail me with pictures".
    Wow, 12 step meetings at Coachella, who knew? SOBERCHELLA.COM

    I'm a reasonable man, get off my case....

  17. #17
    Member taylorf's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me

    "Watch this video from Fox Business...if your CAR IS OLDER THAN 2012 you need to AVOID THE NEW E15 GAS that is just starting to show up at gas stations. Most car companies will not honor the warranty on your car if you use this new gas.

    http://video.foxbusiness.com/v/2000862202001/

    Please pass this on to everyone you know."

    Courtesy of my grandpa

  18. #18
    Peaceful Oasis TomAz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me

    A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
    The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
    The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do . Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
    The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."
    Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
    The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
    The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your fucking mouth shut that does the trick...."
    Quote Originally Posted by efrain44 View Post
    Anyone know who the guy in the Cardinals jersey is? I've seen him in pictures on the board and I thought I saw him this year.

  19. #19
    VigoTheCarpathian
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me

    ^ Ahahaha I just forwarded that to my dad
    Last edited by VigoTheCarpathian; 02-09-2013 at 10:49 AM.

  20. #20
    VigoTheCarpathian
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me

    So, I just called my dad to tell him to check his emails. I asked him what he's doing and he said "I'm watching Waggon Train" So I said "what are you doing later" and he said "gunsmoke"

  21. #21
    Cult Leader koryp's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me

    Quote Originally Posted by TomAz View Post
    A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
    The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
    The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do . Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
    The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."
    Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
    The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
    The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your fucking mouth shut that does the trick...."
    Holy shitballs, this may change the nature of my relationship. Squeaks are you seeing this? Pay attention woman!

    Thanks Tom
    Wow, 12 step meetings at Coachella, who knew? SOBERCHELLA.COM

    I'm a reasonable man, get off my case....

  22. #22
    Coachella Junkie nathanfairchild's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me

    August 30 - Sleep
    August 31 - Sleep
    September 5 - Seth Troxler
    September 9 - Black Vice
    September 11 - Earthless
    September 14 - Lily Allen
    September 16 - Earth
    September 20 - Skeletonwitch
    September 21 - Nails
    September 23 - Andy Stott
    October 2 - Beck
    October 3-5 - Austin City Limits
    October 10 - Bonobo
    October 20 - Mastodon
    October 23 - 26 - Housecore Horror Festival
    October 29 - The Melvins
    November 7-9 - Fun Fun Fun Fest
    November 15 - Primus
    November 18 - Slayer

  23. #23
    Coachella Junkie rage patton's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me

    Canada is an Indian word meaning ' Big Village '.
    They couldn't even take the time to figure out what language it is in? Or, at the very least, use the word "native?" Terrible.
    Quote Originally Posted by bmack86 View Post
    And it's been long established that Chris hates fun.
    Quote Originally Posted by Hatinisbad View Post
    I took my niece this year and it was her first Coachella. It was so fun to see it through her eyes. She thought it felt like a magical scene from Shreck. The one where all the fairy tale creatures meet for the first time in Shreck's swamp.

  24. #24
    Peaceful Oasis TomAz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me

    C'mon Josh you should know this.. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kannada_language
    Quote Originally Posted by efrain44 View Post
    Anyone know who the guy in the Cardinals jersey is? I've seen him in pictures on the board and I thought I saw him this year.

  25. #25
    Member HAIRYGOOMBA's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me

    Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

    One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

    She asks "What?"

    He replies "SEX!!!"

    Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

    "I know", Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while".

    "Well, I can oblige," says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood.

    Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was OK She walked around the home until she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident who was holding Howard's manhood!

    Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?!?"

    Howard smiled and replied..............."Parkinson's"
    For all intensive porpoises presale finally sold out

  26. #26
    Peaceful Oasis TomAz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me

    A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
    The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course..
    What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works,your round of golf is on me today."
    The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."
    The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
    The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.
    As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."
    Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there.
    His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
    Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?"
    The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."
    A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
    The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
    "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"
    The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."
    The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
    The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Three of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, one married a Swedish girl and called himself Tiger, and the other thinks he's the President."
    Quote Originally Posted by efrain44 View Post
    Anyone know who the guy in the Cardinals jersey is? I've seen him in pictures on the board and I thought I saw him this year.

  27. #27
    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me

    ... that's oddly offensive.
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

  28. #28
    ankle biter guedita's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me

    Ugh well that's what you get when you let Swedish broads onto public golf courses.

    8/30: Peaking Lights @ The Chapel
    9/3: Bear in Heaven @ The Independent
    9/11: Tomas Barfod @ The Rickshaw Stop
    9/12: Shifted @ Mercer
    9/24 - 28: Decibel Festival
    10/3-5: Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival
    10/4: Ought @ BoH
    10/5: The War on Drugs, Cass McCombs @ The Fillmore
    10/18-19: Treasure Island Music Festival

  29. #29
    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me

    Why are you awake at these hours, Guedi?
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

  30. #30
    Can't Post anymore. bummer Zafocaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shit Old People Email Me

    Some things belong on facebook/ in text messages.

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  4. Do people steal shit in the campgrounds?
    By feo62 in forum Camping/Lodging
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 04-13-2011, 05:31 AM
  5. Replies: 101
    Last Post: 04-07-2008, 07:56 AM

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