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Thread: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

  1. #61
    LOLocaust Survivor Hannahrain's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    My housemate had a dinner party this evening which culminated in everybody playing Cards Against Humanity. One woman picked up her cards and started reading them off and stopped at one, looking puzzled, and asked "what's....bu-kak-ey?" I started to laugh, thinking the other ten people in the room would also think the question and mispronunciation were hilarious because how could she not know in this day and age. I wound up having to explain it to the entire dinner party.

  2. #62
    Coachella Junkie SoulDischarge's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    Quote Originally Posted by Hannahrain View Post
    You mean like a crimefighting duo posing for press photos? That doesn't sound particularly exciting.
    I prefer to have my orgasming woman sewed to one another by the back and placed on a rotating apparatus coming out of the ground so that they act as a kind of sprinkler for the lawn and garden.
    Quote Originally Posted by guedita View Post
    Thanks for giving us the opportunity to not give a fuck again.

  3. #63

    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    Quote Originally Posted by the walrus View Post
    post this vid or it doesnt exist, and no one will believe you.
    five bucks and some banal post from you on the double. Maybe I'll do a one night only screening. Or break it up into a trilogy releasing every two years.

  4. #64
    Rover canexplain's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    I want to hit 139 lbs just for the fuck of it....cr****
    Have Another Hit Of Colorado Sunshine

  5. #65
    Coachella Junkie algunz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    How tall are you, Ron?

  6. #66
    Rover canexplain's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    Quote Originally Posted by algunz View Post
    How tall are you, Ron?
    No shoes, 5"11. I was always fat gal, it's kinda just a point eh cr****
    Have Another Hit Of Colorado Sunshine

  7. #67
    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    Okay, I fucking have to tell somebody about this and I can't tell my other family members because I don't want to scare them. If you're prone to tl;dr just skip this right now.

    I just hung out with my sister yesterday for the first time in a long time. She's seven years older, our relationship has always been rather strained and complicated because I was a daddy's boy and she and him didn't get along, and then as I got older I was the troublesome youngest child who got suspended constantly and didn't get in that much trouble at home for it when she and my brother had been held to a much higher standard of behavior. Most of our interaction with each other as adults has been me trying to prove to her that I'm not an idiot and her refusing to acknowledge any such thing.

    Things changed drastically when I was still living in NJ in 2010. She had started sending my mother these really weird accusatory emails lambasting her for not doing the right thing for her children by divorcing my father and getting us three away from the incredibly abusive influence of my dad. Now, some of you have heard a lot of my recollections of my father's caustic wit. If you were an incredibly thin-skinned hormonal teenage girl, you might get it in your head that he was "abusive" for making cracks about you having a fat ass when you were 14 and female and dealing with some shit, but he was far from any degree of evil that any sane person would say his wife really made a mistake by not escaping with their children in the night to go live in a motel somewhere. This led to a series of arguments and we hadn't spoken since until a couple weeks ago when Sis asked me to help her with writing up a submission to join the writing staff of a comedy central clip show. Her explanation was that she needed more mean jokes with a cruel, juvenile sensibility, so she was coming to me.

    So I have her over to my apartment and we start trying to jam out jokes. During a lull she asks me if I know how to hack a Twitter account. I say no, not really, and why? What then followed was progressively one of the ABSOLUTE FUCKING CRAZIEST THINGS SOMEONE NOT CURRENTLY ON A LOT OF METHAMPHETAMINE HAS EVER TOLD ME. She wanted to hack this twitter account named Self-Aware ROOMBA. As you can imagine, the jokes posted by this account were pretty standard humor keeping with the premise of what if a ROOMBA could suddenly think and had a Twitter account. My sister insisted that this was actually just an alt account belonging to Mindy Kaling--the Indian chick from The Office, she also has her own show now in case you're not familiar with her--and that Mindy was using the account to harass her.

    This is where my "Oh, here comes some tweaker shit" sensors start going off. Harass her how exactly? Was she using the account to tweet at my sister with mean jokes? No, Sis replied, because once the harassment started she quickly deleted her own twitter account. Okay, fair enough. So then how is Mindy attacking her? "Oh it's not just Mindy, she got a few other people to help her too--B.J. Novak, Sarah Silverman (who's funded by Israel, incidentally), it even goes all the way up to Steve Martin."

    It became very difficult to conceal my Polite Smile While Listening To Completely Insane Bullshit face. I asked her to show me some examples of how the ROOMBA was mocking Sis--apparently the fight had all started because Sis was very vocal on twitter about how unfunny Mindy Kaling's new show is and how it's part of an NBC anti-Muslim propaganda agenda--but the proofs were not terribly convincing. She showed me the account's posts and how they frequently made reference to an unnamed character referred to as Toaster. The references to Toaster were derisive and alluded to a secret war between the two. Apparently, my sister believes she is Toaster. She then produced a series of long, rambling, fucking insane emails she has sent to the wide variety of comedians she believes to be involved in this gang-up, all of which start with her babbling like a fucking crazy person at this famous comedian and using 23 different layers of metaphor to implore them to stop torturing poor, defenseless her. And all of which were either not responded to at all or were met with just one brief response like, "What Toaster?" and then followed by eighteen more emails from my sister which they saw fit to ignore.

    I tried to have a serious discussion with her about getting help with these hallucinations but apparently she's already in heavy therapy four days a week and feels she's getting exactly the help she needs. Naturally I asked whether she's mentioned this story to her therapist and she claims she had, which made me really doubtful why she's not on any medication. I'm normally pretty good about how to handle crazy people but this has me baffled. How the fuck do you convince someone who supposedly is not on meth but is thinking exactly like a crazy meth fiend that they need to cut it out?
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

  8. #68
    Coachella Junkie SoulDischarge's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    Ahhahahaha. Please, keep us updated.
    Quote Originally Posted by guedita View Post
    Thanks for giving us the opportunity to not give a fuck again.

  9. #69
    Coachella Junkie Neighborhood Creep's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    Quote Originally Posted by algunz View Post
    I'm not sure it's possible to have multiple orgasms that close together. At least not the first two.. That's barely 3 minutes.
    You're doing it wrong

  10. #70
    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    The real question is: do I say fuck the fact that it will make my sister HATE MY GUTS and make a "Self-Aware Toaster" twitter account and start having conversations with the ROOMBA?
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

  11. #71

    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    it would such a clever troll on your sis.... do it.
    keep us informed
    Quote Originally Posted by Mugwog View Post
    eh, youre the one in a public place reading a music festival forum thread about ganja. Expect some titties.

  12. #72
    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    Somebody already has the self aware toaster account, sadly.
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

  13. #73
    old school HotHamWater's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    Looks like 3 people have that account. I'm sure you could create another and use it to fuck with your sister just the same.

  14. #74
    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    I'm kinda afraid of doing so. Like, I think if she picked up on the fact that I was now using the stuff she'd confided in me to mock her secretly it might push her right over the edge.
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

  15. #75
    old school theklein25's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    Linkin Park won an AMA. Baller

  16. #76
    old school Somewhat Damaged's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    Is your sister schizophrenic, Randy?
    Quote Originally Posted by malcolmjamalawesome View Post
    "Soon they'll hear my words," he thought, "and they will know that roboto's side-splitting reign of ha-has has begun."

  17. #77
    The Encyclopedia bmack86's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    Quote Originally Posted by RotationSlimWang View Post
    I'm kinda afraid of doing so. Like, I think if she picked up on the fact that I was now using the stuff she'd confided in me to mock her secretly it might push her right over the edge.
    Did someone hack Randy's account? Concern?
    Quote Originally Posted by canexplain View Post
    Remember Hitler? I don't but here we are again .. cr****

  18. #78
    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    Quote Originally Posted by Somewhat Damaged View Post
    Is your sister schizophrenic, Randy?
    Are you still a fucking asshole?
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

  19. #79
    Peaceful Oasis TomAz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    to your sister's credit: Sarah Silverman does have some pretty tight family ties to Israel.
    Quote Originally Posted by efrain44 View Post
    Anyone know who the guy in the Cardinals jersey is? I've seen him in pictures on the board and I thought I saw him this year.

  20. #80
    Member saranater's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    Quote Originally Posted by RotationSlimWang View Post
    The real question is: do I say fuck the fact that it will make my sister HATE MY GUTS and make a "Self-Aware Toaster" twitter account and start having conversations with the ROOMBA?
    Fuck that made me laugh.

  21. #81
    zeezus amyzzz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    I believed gunz too, but I'm pretty gullible. I keep believing The Smiths reunion rumors every year.
    Quote Originally Posted by guedita View Post
    Because fucking millenials that's what

  22. #82
    Coachella Junkie algunz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    I wouldn't waste good recreational drugs on work. That's what sick days are for.

  23. #83
    old school HotHamWater's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    Quote Originally Posted by algunz View Post
    I wouldn't waste good recreational drugs on work. That's what sick days are for.
    You're so edgy and rebellious.

  24. #84
    Coachella Junkie algunz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    You should start taking drugs again to help with that superiority complex, Tommy.

  25. #85
    zeezus amyzzz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    Just a word to the wise, your daughter is starting to get old enough to wonder about such things, gunz.
    Quote Originally Posted by guedita View Post
    Because fucking millenials that's what

  26. #86
    Coachella Junkie algunz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    I'm not sure what you are trying to get at, Amy.

  27. #87
    Member OnlyNonStranger's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    She thinks she's a better mother than you.

  28. #88
    Coachella Junkie algunz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    Everybody is and isn't.

  29. #89
    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    I think the better way to go is to make an account called Self-Aware Sister and have it start talking to the ROOMBA.
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

  30. #90
    old school
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    Default Re: Things You Think Are Confessions But Are Actually Banal And No One Gives A Fuck

    I made pancakes with bisquick today.

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