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Thread: Anti-Jokes

  1. #1
    Coachella Junkie cutterbutter's Avatar
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    Default Anti-Jokes

    -Why did Lisa spill her drink?

    The plane she was on crashed.

    -Why did the plane crash? The pilot was a loaf of bread.

    -Whats orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.

    -A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic and its destroying his family.

    -A white guy, black guy and a spanish guy jump off a building. They all die on impact and their families mourn their loss for years to come.

    -Why did the Chinese man fall down the stairs? He got shot in the face.

    -A penguin walks into a bar. The bartender says "so what will it be this time?" The penguin doesnt answer because he is a penguin.

    -A man walks into a hospital. He died two days later.

  2. #2
    Loveable Curmudgeon TallGuyCM's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    I don't understand the loaf of bread part.
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    Quote Originally Posted by getbetter View Post
    I finally made it through a listen of Sun Kil Moon - Benji and had put it on maybe 4 times til I could finally feel mentally like, "just fuck it just let this guy blabber on" while I'm doing paperwork .
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  3. #3
    Coachella Junkie cutterbutter's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    Because a loaf of bread cannot pilot a plane.



    -A walk mans into a bar. Dyslexia is not funny.

  4. #4
    Coachella Junkie Mr. Dylanja's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    Worst ever.

  5. #5
    Coachella Junkie sonofhal's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    Intrigued to know how the plane piloted by a loaf of bread managed to take off.
    Quote Originally Posted by JustSteve View Post
    well, for all intensive porpoises it is, will sell out within seconds tomorrow.
    Quote Originally Posted by korbinn View Post
    It's jsut dawned on me that I'm overly confident and a extremely ocd perfectionist.
    Quote Originally Posted by kroqken View Post
    I don't give a flying fuck about the Kardashians, I doubt they know who Belle and Sebastian are.

  6. #6
    Coachella Junkie cutterbutter's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    You all try too hard.

  7. #7
    Coachella Junkie SoulDischarge's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by guedita View Post
    Thanks for giving us the opportunity to not give a fuck again.

  8. #8
    Member RedHotSgtPeppers's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    Why did Suzie fall off the swings?
    -Because she has no arms.

    Knock, knock. Who's there?
    -not Suzie.

    A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "hey! Why the long face?" The horse does not speak English and proceeds to shit on the floor.

    What's blue and smells like red paint?
    -blue paint.
    Quote Originally Posted by miscorrections View Post
    It's really boring when people use this thread to post about their successes.
    Quote Originally Posted by getbetter View Post
    ...... hey im not posting anything in here about half raptor half alligator people

  9. #9
    old school theklein25's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    Follow me on Twitter at Klein25
    Spoon Aug 8 Hollywood
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    The Horrors Oct 14 Santa Ana

  10. #10
    Old Gay Guy gaypalmsprings's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes












  11. #11

    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by bug on your lip View Post
    you ever get this uneasy feeling that everyone of us on this board is actually in Hell?

  12. #12
    Coachella Junkie cutterbutter's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    Some people are with it.


    Why cant the TRex clap its hands? Because its extinct.

  13. #13
    Member Riggins33's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    Da Twex also has da small armz.

  14. #14
    Old Gay Guy gaypalmsprings's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    Why do undertakers wear ties?
    Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.


    There once was a man from Nantucket.
    He was a banker.


    Knock knock.
    Who's there?
    Subpoena.
    Crap.


    What do you call a 2-foot angry blue Scotsman named Max?
    Max.

  15. #15
    Member RedHotSgtPeppers's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night? Crib Death.
    Quote Originally Posted by miscorrections View Post
    It's really boring when people use this thread to post about their successes.
    Quote Originally Posted by getbetter View Post
    ...... hey im not posting anything in here about half raptor half alligator people

  16. #16
    Loveable Curmudgeon TallGuyCM's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by gaypalmsprings View Post
    hahahahahaha, WINNER!!!!!
    8/21 - The Zombies - Santa Monica Pier
    8/22 - Slint - El Rey (?)
    8/23-24 - FYF Fest - Exposition Park
    8/28 - Ty Segall - Echo
    8/31 - Sleep - Troubadour (?)


    Quote Originally Posted by getbetter View Post
    I finally made it through a listen of Sun Kil Moon - Benji and had put it on maybe 4 times til I could finally feel mentally like, "just fuck it just let this guy blabber on" while I'm doing paperwork .
    last.fm, if you care

    Twitter, if you dare

  17. #17
    old school zenidogx's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    I remember the first time I heard Mitch Hedberg.
    Quote Originally Posted by KungFuJoe View Post
    Here is all I'll say about borders ... the Los Angeles Angels.

  18. #18
    Coachella Junkie cutterbutter's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    Ive known Hedberg's stuff forever. This was spurred on by someone I follow on twitter retweeting @AntiJokeApple a bunch and me laughing a ton at 2am.

    One of the worst thing ever is reading Hedberg's jokes in text. Its all about his delivery. Anything else is a disservice to his legacy.

  19. #19
    Member RedHotSgtPeppers's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by cutterbutter View Post
    Ive known Hedberg's stuff forever. This was spurred on by someone I follow on twitter retweeting @AntiJokeApple a bunch and me laughing a ton at 2am.

    One of the worst thing ever is reading Hedberg's jokes in text. Its all about his delivery. Anything else is a disservice to his legacy.
    The best and truest example of Mitch is his unedited Comedy Central special. He bombs so hard for the first 10 or so minutes, but once the audience understands his humor, he kills. Fucking love Mitch.
    Quote Originally Posted by miscorrections View Post
    It's really boring when people use this thread to post about their successes.
    Quote Originally Posted by getbetter View Post
    ...... hey im not posting anything in here about half raptor half alligator people

  20. #20
    Coachella Junkie Drinkey McDrinkerstein's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
    A: Pick it up and suck its dick
    last.fm
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    9/12-14/14 Riotfest - Humboldt Park, Chicago, IL // 9/18/14 Neutral Milk Hotel - Hollywood Bowl

  21. #21
    zeezus amyzzz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by RedHotSgtPeppers View Post
    What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night? Crib Death.
    I like this one.
    Quote Originally Posted by guedita View Post
    Because fucking millenials that's what

  22. #22
    old school TickleMeElmo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    A man walks into a bar. He sits next to a horse and a fox. He realizes he's dreaming, wakes up and tells his wife about his dream. She ignores him and rolls over the other side. The man rolls over too and cries himself to sleep realizing his entire life is in shambles.
    Quote Originally Posted by travelfan View Post
    It's a bit unfair though, when I change an MP3 halfway through a song at a party I get yelled at, whereas Skrillex probably got a blow job.

  23. #23

    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    Two men, Bob and Mark, are in the woods hunting. One night in their cabin, a heavy snow storm completely traps them inside of their cabin. As a way to pass the time, Bob suggests that they play 20 questions. Mark agrees. Bob thinks to himself "Moosecock, he'll never guess moose cock"
    Bob: Ok, I've got the word. Go ahead.
    Mark: Ok. Is it edible?
    Bob: Eh, I guess so.
    Mark: Moosecock.
    Last edited by Dogvolta; 06-20-2012 at 08:51 AM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mammoth85 View Post
    I hope Wario and Donkey Kong don't conflict.

  24. #24
    old school TickleMeElmo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    What do you call a black man that flies planes?

    A pilot, you racist.
    Quote Originally Posted by travelfan View Post
    It's a bit unfair though, when I change an MP3 halfway through a song at a party I get yelled at, whereas Skrillex probably got a blow job.

  25. #25
    Coachella Junkie Drinkey McDrinkerstein's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    Q: Why couldn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?
    A: He was too far out
    last.fm
    8/23-24/14 FYF Fest - Expo Park //8/25/14 Nine Inch Nails - Hollywood Bowl // 9/6/14 Elvis Costello & Ben Folds - Hollywood Bowl
    9/12-14/14 Riotfest - Humboldt Park, Chicago, IL // 9/18/14 Neutral Milk Hotel - Hollywood Bowl

  26. #26
    Member caeden's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by RedHotSgtPeppers View Post
    Why did Suzie fall off the swings?
    -Because she has no arms.

    Knock, knock. Who's there?
    -not Suzie.
    i told these to a girl at work today. she laughed. dry humor is the best
    Quote Originally Posted by kvnty View Post
    You little cock sucker, menikmati. This is a fucking violation of compliance and you will fucking pay, you little pig.

  27. #27
    Member Riggins33's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    There's two penguins in a bathtub, one asks pass the soap, the other says, what do I look like a typewriter?

  28. #28
    old school TickleMeElmo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    A duck walks into a over 7-11 and says "Give me some Chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. The employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need Chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.
    Quote Originally Posted by travelfan View Post
    It's a bit unfair though, when I change an MP3 halfway through a song at a party I get yelled at, whereas Skrillex probably got a blow job.

  29. #29
    Old Gay Guy gaypalmsprings's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.

    A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    Your friend is so gay that he came out of the closet and was accepted warmly by his friends and family for who he is a human being.

    A man comes home from work and find his wife in bed with another man. They realize that they have grown apart over the past few years, and start attending therapy in an ultimately unsuccessful attempt to reconnect with each other.

  30. #30
    Coachella Junkie PlayaDelWes's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anti-Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Drinkey McDrinkerstein View Post
    Q: Why couldn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?
    A: He was too far out
    actual joke

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