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Thread: 7 Types of People at Coachella

  1. #1
    Old Gay Guy gaypalmsprings's Avatar
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    Cool 7 Types of People at Coachella

    7 Types of People at Coachella

    By Dashiell Driscoll April 12, 2012 - at Funny or Die

    Hopeless Drug Addicts

    The majority of Coachella attendees fall under this category. They know their lineup before any artists are announced. For these people, Coachella is less about seeing music with your friends and more about turning off your cell phone and peaking on mushrooms in the security line. Music festival my ass, Coachella is a drug festival with some noises in the background. Before anyone tries to say music is a drug, please save that argument. It’s not technically a drug unless you can buy it by the gram. Just ask alcohol.

    Bro's

    Bro’s at Coachella are the worst. They spend the festival shirtless so as to expose their sweet muscles and poorly thought out tattoos. They pound $7 Heinekens all day then take drugs they bought in the parking lot and head to the Sahara tent. Once inside, they will try to fuck anything without a dick and fight anyone that threatens their space. It’s all a very bizarre and predictable mating ritual. If aliens have a channel like Animal Planet that’s all about humans, they probably have several documentaries on the subject of bro’s at music festivals.

    Industry Assholes

    Wander into the VIP area and you will find industry assholes in abundance at Coachella. It’s pretty considerate of Paul Tollett (big shoutout to Paul Tollett for no Justice/Snoop & Dre conflict) to put all of these losers behind a fence. These people usually don’t pay for their tickets, which is fair considering they don’t see any bands all weekend. They show up at night after attending pool parties all day then hang out in their little zone waiting for an intern to recognize them. It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad.

    Dirty Hippies

    And you will know them by the trail of their dreads. Camping at Coachella sucks because it’s dirty and gross, but these filthy hippies don’t mind. The nicest part of the campgrounds is actually the showers. That’s because so few people bother using them over the course of 3 days and 4 nights. These creatures are generally harmless, they just raise some big questions: where do they go for the rest of the year? How do they pay for these tickets and sandals? Still waiting for the episode of Ancient Aliens that explains this.

    Kids on Ecstasy

    If your child leaves the house on Friday morning, Indio bound with nothing but a neon bathing suit and some glow sticks, tell them they’re grounded forever. Every year I see groups of unsupervised children that make Hunter S. Thompson look like the patron saint of moderation. Take it easy on your brains, future leaders of America! Your teenage years will rob you of your serotonin and fill you with sexual urges whether you want them to or not. You don’t need pills for that yet.

    People With Babies

    I have seen the most lackluster minds of my generation multiply then bring their progeny to Coachella. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Leave your baby at home. Maybe leave the part of your life where you went to Coachella in your past. Just don’t stroll your baby into the beer garden and be surprised when I look at you like you’re everything that’s wrong with the world.

    Music Lovers

    Rumor has it that a long time ago people went to Coachella for music. Legend says that some of this endangered species still wanders the polo fields every April. I don’t know. I'm not sure I buy it. The sentence, "I only go to Coachella for the music," makes me think of the words, "I only read Playboy for the articles," because they're both things that nobody has ever said. If you really do attend Coachella just for the music, more power to you. And more drugs for everyone else.

  2. #2

    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    Hahahahaa awesome!

    I guess I fall under music lover since none of the other categories even come close
    Coachella '10, '11, '12 (w2), '13 (w1), '14 (w1) and hopefully every one after

    "I was born with music inside me. Music was one of my parts. Like my ribs, my kidneys, my liver, my heart. Like my blood. It was a force already within me when I arrived on the scene. It was a necessity for me-like food or water."
    Ray Charles

  3. #3
    butt hurt TheRotten42's Avatar
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    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    Hahahaha. That is golden.
    Quote Originally Posted by getbetter View Post
    Supre doesnt know since he's usually in the bathroom going away at the glory hole. Noms Nom nom noms oooooo i'm taking a picture of that beast....****snap*** back to yum yums nom nom noms

  4. #4

    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    Haha this is really great, well put together.
    Personally, I used to be #s 1 and 7. 40% 1 and 60% 7.
    Now I'm 0% 1 and 100%7.
    But I think there should be a "Just really likes being at coachella" category.
    Last edited by Dogvolta; 04-13-2012 at 07:20 AM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mammoth85 View Post
    I hope Wario and Donkey Kong don't conflict.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    The bros are the worse. I'll take a dirty, smelly hippie any day over a useless frat idiot who deserves death. And if I carried a gun I would shoot every one of them, as they try and push their way to the front. I HATE FRAT CLOWNS!!!

  6. #6

    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    I honestly fell in the music lover slot, but i sometimes feel like square cause I have a son back home...so I dunno

  7. #7

    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    7 get to heaven
    Quote Originally Posted by RotationSlimWang View Post
    Smooches. =)

  8. #8
    Member grannock's Avatar
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    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    Nice post. Which category are you?
    "How long will this last, this delicious feeling of being alive, of having penetrated the veil which hides beauty and the wonders of celestial vistas? It doesn't matter, as there can be nothing but gratitude for even a glimpse of what exists for those who can become open to it."

  9. #9
    old school SepaGroove's Avatar
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    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    I hate whoever wrote this article. This person sounds so shallow.

    I could just imagine them sitting there judging every person that walks by them at the festival.

  10. #10
    Lurker fabnina's Avatar
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    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    That list is exactly what you should find - it would really suck if you showed up and everybody was the same!!

  11. #11

    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    Probably an industry moron who wrote this. Let's not discriminate our Coachella experience here

  12. #12
    old school Stickjohn's Avatar
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    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    It's obviously meant to be a joke, but the camping description is completely off-base. The drug reputation is kinda sad and a reason not to be an idiot on these boards.

  13. #13
    Coachella Junkie fatbastard's Avatar
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    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    Should have been a poll.
    Whiskey Sour

    2 oz blended whiskey
    Juice of 1/2 lemon
    1/2 tsp powdered sugar
    1 cherry
    1/2 slice lemon

    Shake blended whiskey, juice of lemon, and powdered sugar with ice and strain into a whiskey sour glass. Decorate with the half-slice of lemon, top with the cherry, and serve.

  14. #14
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    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    <<< music lover

  15. #15
    Old Gay Guy gaypalmsprings's Avatar
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    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    The bro's are at Cochella 2012 big time.

  16. #16
    old school Mr. Fuzz's Avatar
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    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    I laughed.
    "ain't no thang but a chicken wang"

  17. #17
    Lurker BlacEfron's Avatar
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    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    sucks that i have to be pigeonholed into the bro category just because i enjoy being shirtless and free. i have to wear shirts every other fucking day of my life, let me walk around without one for a weekend, okay?

    but seriously though, i don't fit into any other category...i come for the people as well, so i can't be a pure "music lover"...whatever, done ove-ranalyzing and taking away from the semi-funny

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    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella


  19. #19

    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    Why dont the Bros just all go back to Mexibro?

  20. #20

    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    i don't think they sell marlborbro 27s in Mexico anymore...

  21. #21
    Member jenmorrison's Avatar
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    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    edited for repitition

  22. #22
    Member jenmorrison's Avatar
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    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    Quote Originally Posted by Stickjohn View Post
    It's obviously meant to be a joke, but the camping description is completely off-base. The drug reputation is kinda sad and a reason not to be an idiot on these boards.
    Quote Originally Posted by donavanbrown View Post
    Probably an industry moron who wrote this. Let's not discriminate our Coachella experience here
    Quote Originally Posted by fabnina View Post
    That list is exactly what you should find - it would really suck if you showed up and everybody was the same!!
    This is a funny or die joke. They posted it recently.

  23. #23
    Old Gay Guy gaypalmsprings's Avatar
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    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    Where is the Hipster category?

  24. #24

    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    Quote Originally Posted by gaypalmsprings View Post
    Where is the Hipster category?
    the bro category works fine

  25. #25
    Member involvelemons's Avatar
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    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    Fucking bros getting all pissy on this board like they've got a point to prove. Sorry, bro. This is the one space where you'll get pulled down from your white, heteronormative, gym-toned, misogynistic pedestal.

    The camping area was shite this year. I haven't seen that much fucking beer pong since college.
    I asked some douchebag to turn down his shitty dubstep at 1:30 am next to my tent and he got all pissy and asked me how old I was.
    Dude, I'm 29. I'm a decent, mellow person who made a simple request. Don't turn this into a human rights issue, bro. This isn't Bro v Wade.

    This was my eighth Coachella, and I've always gone for the music. And nothing but the music. I had a blast this year, and being annoyed at jocks doesn't define my 2012 experience by any stretch, but wandering through a crowd of people who looked like the dumbest people from my high school left me feeling non-plussed.
    1 Coachella before I got sober, 7 since. I support both versions. If you wanna do the sober version, roll with us:
    Click Soberchella 2013 for meeting details
    -------------------------------

  26. #26
    Peaceful Oasis TomAz's Avatar
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    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    Quote Originally Posted by involvelemons View Post
    Fucking bros getting all pissy on this board like they've got a point to prove. Sorry, bro. This is the one space where you'll get pulled down from your white, heteronormative, gym-toned, misogynistic pedestal.

    The camping area was shite this year. I haven't seen that much fucking beer pong since college.
    I asked some douchebag to turn down his shitty dubstep at 1:30 am next to my tent and he got all pissy and asked me how old I was.
    Dude, I'm 29. I'm a decent, mellow person who made a simple request. Don't turn this into a human rights issue, bro. This isn't Bro v Wade.

    This was my eighth Coachella, and I've always gone for the music. And nothing but the music. I had a blast this year, and being annoyed at jocks doesn't define my 2012 experience by any stretch, but wandering through a crowd of people who looked like the dumbest people from my high school left me feeling non-plussed.
    Great post til the last word, which doesn't mean what you think it does. Unless you really do mean 'perplexed'.
    Quote Originally Posted by efrain44 View Post
    Anyone know who the guy in the Cardinals jersey is? I've seen him in pictures on the board and I thought I saw him this year.

  27. #27
    Member Vic Viper's Avatar
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    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    article should've been titled "i went to coachella one time and judged the shit out of everyone."

    there exists obvious cliques/stereotypes/archetypes at the festival but by and large my experience has been the majority of people are there to have a good time and not piss anyone off.
    Quote Originally Posted by thewindowliquor View Post
    No. I push you down. Always.

  28. #28
    Member involvelemons's Avatar
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    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    Quote Originally Posted by TomAz View Post
    Great post til the last word, which doesn't mean what you think it does. Unless you really do mean 'perplexed'.
    I meant, like, bewildered to the point of speechlessness.
    Probably could have picked a better word. Good looking out.
    1 Coachella before I got sober, 7 since. I support both versions. If you wanna do the sober version, roll with us:
    Click Soberchella 2013 for meeting details
    -------------------------------

  29. #29
    old school kroqken's Avatar
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    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    Quote Originally Posted by gaypalmsprings View Post
    7 Types of People at Coachella

    By Dashiell Driscoll April 12, 2012 - at Funny or Die

    Hopeless Drug Addicts

    The majority of Coachella attendees fall under this category. They know their lineup before any artists are announced. For these people, Coachella is less about seeing music with your friends and more about turning off your cell phone and peaking on mushrooms in the security line. Music festival my ass, Coachella is a drug festival with some noises in the background. Before anyone tries to say music is a drug, please save that argument. It’s not technically a drug unless you can buy it by the gram. Just ask alcohol.

    Bro's

    Bro’s at Coachella are the worst. They spend the festival shirtless so as to expose their sweet muscles and poorly thought out tattoos. They pound $7 Heinekens all day then take drugs they bought in the parking lot and head to the Sahara tent. Once inside, they will try to fuck anything without a dick and fight anyone that threatens their space. It’s all a very bizarre and predictable mating ritual. If aliens have a channel like Animal Planet that’s all about humans, they probably have several documentaries on the subject of bro’s at music festivals.

    Industry Assholes

    Wander into the VIP area and you will find industry assholes in abundance at Coachella. It’s pretty considerate of Paul Tollett (big shoutout to Paul Tollett for no Justice/Snoop & Dre conflict) to put all of these losers behind a fence. These people usually don’t pay for their tickets, which is fair considering they don’t see any bands all weekend. They show up at night after attending pool parties all day then hang out in their little zone waiting for an intern to recognize them. It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad.

    Dirty Hippies

    And you will know them by the trail of their dreads. Camping at Coachella sucks because it’s dirty and gross, but these filthy hippies don’t mind. The nicest part of the campgrounds is actually the showers. That’s because so few people bother using them over the course of 3 days and 4 nights. These creatures are generally harmless, they just raise some big questions: where do they go for the rest of the year? How do they pay for these tickets and sandals? Still waiting for the episode of Ancient Aliens that explains this.

    Kids on Ecstasy

    If your child leaves the house on Friday morning, Indio bound with nothing but a neon bathing suit and some glow sticks, tell them they’re grounded forever. Every year I see groups of unsupervised children that make Hunter S. Thompson look like the patron saint of moderation. Take it easy on your brains, future leaders of America! Your teenage years will rob you of your serotonin and fill you with sexual urges whether you want them to or not. You don’t need pills for that yet.

    People With Babies

    I have seen the most lackluster minds of my generation multiply then bring their progeny to Coachella. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Leave your baby at home. Maybe leave the part of your life where you went to Coachella in your past. Just don’t stroll your baby into the beer garden and be surprised when I look at you like you’re everything that’s wrong with the world.

    Music Lovers

    Rumor has it that a long time ago people went to Coachella for music. Legend says that some of this endangered species still wanders the polo fields every April. I don’t know. I'm not sure I buy it. The sentence, "I only go to Coachella for the music," makes me think of the words, "I only read Playboy for the articles," because they're both things that nobody has ever said. If you really do attend Coachella just for the music, more power to you. And more drugs for everyone else.
    I am a music lover. Also, I never use illegal drugs, nor alcohol or cigarettes.

  30. #30
    AMBIVALENT bobert's Avatar
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    Default Re: 7 Types of People at Coachella

    ITT: People taking offense to Funny Or Die articles.

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