It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

[Gribbz]

Why are you guys looking for "enemies"? If I wanted to make acquaintance with people who have annoyingly-different political, cultural, religious, and ethical views than I do, I'd just go to a Glenn Beck rally. Or to my high school reunion.

Indeed. I get enough of that on my fb news feed.

[Alchemy]

I don't feel comfortable when I have no enemies. I must always have somebody - or people - plotting my demise.

[Drinkey McDrinkerstein]

I don't really want "enemies," but it is nice to have a single arch-nemesis.

[bluemamba]

I used to have an arch-nemesis.

I destroyed him.

[AlecEiffel]

Was he flying and shooting lightning bolts from his eyes and you kicked him so far he saw the curvature of the earth?

[bluemamba]

I punch more than kick. It hurts my toes.

[Goatchella]

That's a good approach. I would take it one step further though. Not bathing. Driving a fucked up old car. My shirt has a tear. Just straight up dirty. Whatever is left at the end of the filter, that's your keeper. Then when you start getting back to normal, you can say you did it for her (looking deep into her eyes). It's romantic.

This guy understands.

[romanticizer]

While I was overanalyzing my life - as I do. I have decided not to get a dating profile yet. But I have specifically pinpointed what I need in a relationship after much research and consideration (not traits I want in a person - that's a different story entirely).

FWB:
1. Little communication; bi-monthly maximum
2. No use or discussion of L words; “love” or “like”
3. Copious physical interaction; bi-monthly maximum communication is waived if all communication leads to physical interaction.
4. Non-exclusivity and no jealousy/qualms about this.
5. No cuddling

Courting/Exclusive Relationship (not long distance; not cohabitating):
1. Daily communication
2. In person visits 3 times a week; 4 times maximum (not including if you have long weekend).
3. Equal distribution of communication/date initiation
4. Copious physical interaction
5. Exclusivity
6. Fair amount of doting in and out of person
7. Cuddling

[Alchemy]

I finished some of the little essays and a bunch of the questions on okcupid. I fear that I've set the machine that leads me to my death into motion.

[bluemamba]

Lol what's your profile name?? I'll pay you a visit.

[Alchemy]

MojaveTent. Let's become Coachella lovers.

[bluemamba]

I could use a really good bromance at this years Coachella. Will you hold my head up while I puke?

[BROKENDOLL]

Why are you guys looking for "enemies"? If I wanted to make acquaintance with people who have annoyingly-different political, cultural, religious, and ethical views than I do, I'd just go to a Glenn Beck rally. Or to my high school reunion.

I usually just log on here, myself... lol

[SoulDischarge]

Well, she said she was a big news nerd and liked the National. Lets try to be more productive in our criticism rather than just say "Dooooomed". I already know I suck, duh.

Settle down, Beavis, it was a joke.

I've filled out so many profiles in the past 10 years that I've almost gotten it down to an art of repelling just about everyone who isn't on my very particular wavelength. Mine's about 70% surreal jokes, bullshit, self deprecating humor, and random pointless asides, and about 30% honest self representation/interests mixed in. Most profile questions are fairly inane, and the whole idea of encapsulating even a small sliver of the ineffable me into a paragraph or two of text is fundamentally absurd, so I figure the best way to attract people is to treat the whole thing as something of a piss take, but not so much that I seem uninterested in actually getting to know people. Just enough for people to understand my weird sensibilities. It's kind of a worst food forward approach. If you don't like this, you probably aren't going to enjoy time spent with me.

[Newro7ic]

My profile is 2check, since we're doing this thing. I think I was 81% compatible with Robin. I stopped using it because it was just ridiculous, and I have no problem meeting women. It was suggested to me after a break up, so I said fuck it. It's brought me some amusement. I think the best was when i messaged this chick, and she responded about two weeks later. She said something about me getting lost in the shuffle. She had a picture of herself wearing a fake mustache, so, in a drunken stupor I replied, "hahaha you look cute as fuck with that mustache, but I don't get lost in the shuffle.". I'm obviously not cut out for online dating. ;P

EDIT: Fuck, I lied. My profile is twocheck. That's how often I use it.

[chairmenmeow47]

me and patrick must be profile twins. that's sort of my strategy too. and Newro7ic and i would never date apparently. i sometimes go a long time without responding, though i don't say something lame like "lost in the shuffle", i just respond. if they don't like how long it took, too bad

[locachica73]

Maybe my wife is crazy, but I don't think she'd find my OKC profile "fun". I'm gonna go ahead and guess Alec's wife may not see the humor too swiftly ether.

But yeah, I'd tell her to get back in the kitchen as well.

Though I am curious about match %'s.

I am curious too, but I know Nick would be pissed. I would also worry about running into dudes I have already dated on there. They already pop up on facebook from time to time. Ew.

[Alchemy]

You guys should make a profile without uploading pictures or putting your name. Just answer a bunch of the questions and fill out some of the basic stuff, and I think you should be able to see how you match with everybody with only that.

[Robin]

I think I was 81% compatible with Robin.

How YOU doin'?

For a while, I thought Courtney was my #1 match, until I met you, babydoll.

[SoulDischarge]

Alas, Tim will never be my lover, nor my nemesis, but that's one fine, well written profile that strikes a very nice balance.

[downingthief]

Mine is up and running, just not filled out all the way..DowningThief.

[JorgeC]

Barb 72% - 71% Friend
Scruffshaggy (Mugwog?) 65% - 74% Friend
Courtney 58% - 74% Friend
Patrick 50% - 72% Friend

Looks like i'm a better friend than lover. I filled out some of the questions, but didn't put a lot of thought into it since i'm not really going to be using the app. The "Locals" option is totally Grindr...that's hilarious. Unfortunately I don't think the iphone app can search by username (probably user error). Boo, i'll have to creep your profiles from home. Or just visit mine so I can keep a running tab like Courtney. I like/terrified of the option of seeing who's visited you're profile, so please keep posting those usernames. Mine is "JorgeinOntario" (same as Scramble and Words with Friends if anyone wants to send a game my way)...boring day at work.

[Alchemy]

Barb 72% - 71% Friend
Scruffshaggy (Mugwog?) 65% - 74% Friend
Courtney 58% - 74% Friend
Patrick 50% - 72% Friend

Alchemy 71% - 73% Friend

That's more successful than I am with others on this board. Success!

[chiapet]

80% match / 77% friend / 19% enemy with Jorge.

I wonder how they actually determine these, because we don't match at all on the questions.

They also gave me a 99% match the other day, and I didn't math with him on questions either...

[Alchemy]

Looking at some of my local matches, there are actually some cool girls on here. One of them is extremely into hiking, which is an activity I've been especially interested in lately. Another just graduated from UTAustin's law school, which is another thing I've been especially interested in lately.

[weeklymix]

[guedita]

I went on a first date last night with a guy who had this really effeminate laugh. I mentally checked out like 5 minutes into the date and threw back a few whiskey sours. I honestly don't remember at all what we talked about. Gave him the turn of the cheek don't even try to kiss me goodbye.

[Newro7ic]

me and patrick must be profile twins. that's sort of my strategy too. and Newro7ic and i would never date apparently. i sometimes go a long time without responding, though i don't say something lame like "lost in the shuffle", i just respond. if they don't like how long it took, too bad

It was the lost in the shuffle comment. The time it took to respond probably wouldn't have bothered me if it wasn't for that stupid ass comment. She basically said, "There were a bunch of other guys I was more interested in than you, those didn't pan out, so how you doin'?". Yeah, that doesn't work for me.

How YOU doin'?

For a while, I thought Courtney was my #1 match, until I met you, babydoll.

wut up, gurl. you lookin' real fly in that spirit hoodie. i see you smoke, too, we already gots sumtin in common. we shuld totally talk sum more. holla back!

[chiapet]

Well, that sucks, but I rather think most of the dates won't go very well.

I haven't had any luck setting up more dates yet. Boo.

[SoulDischarge]

I'm going to need you to post a video that approximates the laugh.