It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

[IceyHotshot]

I can practically assure you "she"--whoever this poor girl is--will be dogging you to her friends, regardless of how much she likes you. I mean, what if she likes to get thrown around and used like a little slut? Your nice guy let's-make-this-tender-and-special shit is not going to fly. You'll be back to square one, still needing practice ...

Because every girl is the same.

[SoulDischarge]

Amy was kind of right about one thing: sex is overrated. At least in the sense that it's some mystical joining of body and spirit where two people become one and their love transforms space and time and can slay dragons and bring down evil empires. Yes, it can be a wonderful physical expression of deep, passionate love, but it's also a simple fact of our biology, a bodily function like flushing waste and sneezing. It just happens to (usually, and I'm sure debateably for some) feel a little better than those. "Meaningless sex" isn't really meaningless. It can be an expression of yourself as a naturally sexual being. And just because you do not share a profound emotional connection with someone you're having sex with doesn't mean that it can't be an extraordinarily rewarding and in a way loving experience. It's a celebration of having a body, being able to experience physical sensations (mostly pleasure, but for some pain as well), being alive, and having the potential to create new life. It's possible to have some of the best sex of your life with someone you have almost nothing in common with because you only are compatible in a physical way, much like you have friends who you can share musical tastes with but maybe can't discuss your inner feelings, and vice versa. There's so much narrow mindedness and negativity floating around about sex that it's always good to remember it is a multifaceted endeavor with many purposes and significances and that we should all actively fight to promote a more sex positive attitude for our own collective health. f

tl;dr version: It's really not that big of a deal, so enjoy yourself before you're dead and can't jizz any more, for fuck's sake.


But also, you're your own person and have your own issues and it's none of our business how you conduct your sex life, we're just trying to provide some outside perspective.

[amyzzz]

Wait.....what? Are we operating under the premise that Icey will be having sex with a virgin?

My pronouns were all wrong. I fixed it.

[kreutz2112]

Amy, I'm certain that your kids combined with yours and your husbands insecurities are the only things saving your marriage.

[amyzzz]

I've been happily married for 12 years. Being on anti-depressants and not caring a lot about sex right now has not killed my marriage. There is a hell of a lot more to marriage than sex.

[SoulDischarge]

I mean, what if she likes to get thrown around and used like a little slut? Your nice guy let's-make-this-tender-and-special shit is not going to fly. You'll be back to square one, still needing practice ...

Ha. Yeah. I have a friend like this who had the hardest time finding a guy who was a decent dude and treated her right in their everyday life but would be willing to dominate her and lock her in the closet and do all kinds of ridiculous freaky shit when it came time to fuck, but she just ended up finding the catch of a life time this year.

[IceyHotshot]

amy and I are on the same page. I'm glad at least one person gets where I'm coming from.

[amyzzz]

Ha. Yeah. I have a friend like this who had the hardest time finding a guy who was a decent dude and treated her right in their everyday life but would be willing to dominate her and lock her in the closet and do all kinds of ridiculous freaky shit when it came time to fuck, but she just ended up finding the catch of a life time this year.

This is basically the plot to Fifty Shades of Grey.

[Gribbz]

Icey, amyzzz is the last person you should be getting woman/sex advice from. I guess that's obvious at this point.

[ThatGirl]

This is basically the plot to Fifty Shades of Grey.

Except Christian Grey is an asshole.

[Courtney]

Ha. Yeah. I have a friend like this who had the hardest time finding a guy who was a decent dude and treated her right in their everyday life but would be willing to dominate her and lock her in the closet and do all kinds of ridiculous freaky shit when it came time to fuck, but she just ended up finding the catch of a life time this year.

I'm not quite to the extreme of wanting someone to lock me in the closet, but yes this is a significant issue. If you tend to date "nice guys," that doesn't mean you necessarily want someone who will put you on a pedestal in all aspects of your life. Sometimes what makes sex exciting is that it is a way to enact fantasies or roles or power play that are not part of your daily life. All gentle and tender all the time is boring as hell.

[miscorrections]

amy and I are on the same page. I'm glad at least one person gets where I'm coming from.

I don't think that's a page you really want to be on, though.

[Courtney]

Amyzzz, do you have any younger sisters?

[kreutz2112]

BURN THE WHOLE FUCKING BOOK

[amyzzz]

amy and I are on the same page. I'm glad at least one person gets where I'm coming from.

Good luck. I've been agreeing with your side, but of course there is something to be said for an experienced guy. Do what feels right for you though. Considering no one else sees this your way, finding a girl who understands this may be very difficult.

[amyzzz]

Amyzzz, do you have any younger sisters?

no.

[kreutz2112]

Not just the tip: The amyzzz & IceyHotshot Story

the most uninteresting story ever told.

[amyzzz]

I'd rather be boring than a goddamn drunk.

[kreutz2112]

what does drinking have to do with anything?

[greghead]

Because every girl is the same.

Hey man, you think what you want and go about your business however you feel like. I simply believe you're setting yourself up for miserable failure.

[guedita]

Plenty of goddamned drunks are boring.

[ramblinon]

It's not going to be "in the wild". It will be someone close to me who'll know what she's getting into.

1) You assume that a normal woman is going to want to wait around for 23 dates for you to finally man up and fuck her. Guess what? Virtually no woman above the age of 16 wants to wait that long, and many will simply not. That, or she may just get it on the side elsewhere (happened to me at 16, when I was too religious to get some).

2) You assume that she will want to continue practicing with you after you just gave her the single worst romp in the sack she's had since she was date-raped at a high school kegger at 17. This is not an assumption you should make. Women of a certain age have expectations, and that you not be completely feeble in bed is generally one.

3) the vast majority of attractive women who think that this is cute or endearing (Amy not withstanding...I've read her Dog story, not the best person to have in your corner) have generally long since been married. They tend to get married early because they wanted to wait, and their heaving loins made that difficult. So good luck finding that perfect flower.

Talk about overhyping something. You're going to look back when you're 40 (assuming you've lost it by then...questionable) and wonder why the hell you didn't spend all this time having hot, hot sex with strangers, friends, and girlfriends alike.

[Miroir Noir]

Icey, as your original question was this:

Would it make me a jerk to friend zone a girl that I get along with and share interests with if the reason is that I do not find her physically attractive?

Greg is absolutely correct in saying this:

Hey man, you think what you want and go about your business however you feel like. I simply believe you're setting yourself up for miserable failure.

You will be moving on to neither immediate casual sex nor future meaningful relationship sex. You're setting yourself up for more disappointment and frustration by going out with "friend zone" platonic dates.

[amyzzz]

I don't have a "dog story." When I was a virgin, a long time ago, I used to have sexual fantasies about dogs. It was just fantasies. I never did anything with dogs, nor wanted to do anything with dogs. I'm sure many people fantasize about things they would never ever do in reality. That is why they are fantasies. I also use to fantasize about incest, other people's incest, not about people in my own family. I don't think about those anymore.

[kitt kat]

Phew, there's so much I want to discuss!

I can't sleep with just anyone. She has to be someone I care about and feel really comfortable with.

I think your outlook is pretty self-damning because you're essentially putting something up on a pedestal that, in all truth, really has no point of being so revered. Yes, it's awesome and fun and great — but it should in no way be this thing that one builds up in their head because I think that'll end up causing you some regret down the road. My suggestion, as many others have suggested here, would be to just seriously get the "First Time" out of the way; then wait until you're dating a girl you like to get more "regular activity." I would hate for you to find someone you like and clam up because you're SOFUCKINGNERVOUS about it being yr first time. You're not religious, so I dunno why it needs to be such a huge deal.

And what happened with the girl? I thought you liked her? What's physically wrong with her? Does she have an unsightly boil on her forehead or something? She can't be unattractive. It kinda sounds like you're approaching this from a place of nervousness, like Tommy suggested; just see what happens at the show. Also, you've hung out once; maybe the way she looks changed in your head with your nervousness. I bet the next time you see her you'll think she's the most beautiful, precious flower in the world.

But I feel like the idea of virginity as a gift is a really antiquated notion dating back to the era of dowries and women's value as tied to overly-moralistic notions of virtue.

But it is! It so is! A young "unspoiled" bride was the "ultimate gift" to an experienced manly man because it could show the world how manly of a man he was. I mean, fuck. It is outdated and I think virginity as something we should praise/celebrate is kind of fucking stupid. Sex is normal. Be safe, don't be stupid. Have fun. Whatever.

She wouldn't have to worry about him comparing her to other people he's had sex with, or pining over other people he's been with, etc. Icey's lady will be a GODDESS because she will be his only. That's how I felt anyway. Clearly, no one else agrees.

If you go into sex worrying about this from the get-go, you have other problems.




Oh, and that date went well the other night. I think those weird texts I was reading into was just him being awkward/nervous. I had a really good time and he's a really cool dude and I'm excited to hang out with him again this week. That's all I'll really say because I don't want to spoil anything. (Except, I will say that DUDE IS TALL. Like, has to be at least 6'7" or 6'8", if not taller. I seriously come up to his ribcage.)

[Robin]

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me

[IceyHotshot]

1) You assume that a normal woman is going to want to wait around for 23 dates for you to finally man up and fuck her. Guess what? Virtually no woman above the age of 16 wants to wait that long, and many will simply not. That, or she may just get it on the side elsewhere (happened to me at 16, when I was too religious to get some).

2) You assume that she will want to continue practicing with you after you just gave her the single worst romp in the sack she's had since she was date-raped at a high school kegger at 17. This is not an assumption you should make. Women of a certain age have expectations, and that you not be completely feeble in bed is generally one.

3) the vast majority of attractive women who think that this is cute or endearing (Amy not withstanding...I've read her Dog story, not the best person to have in your corner) have generally long since been married. They tend to get married early because they wanted to wait, and their heaving loins made that difficult. So good luck finding that perfect flower.

Talk about overhyping something. You're going to look back when you're 40 (assuming you've lost it by then...questionable) and wonder why the hell you didn't spend all this time having hot, hot sex with strangers, friends, and girlfriends alike.

If she won't wait, or if she'll dump me because the first time was bad, she's not worth my time at all. Why would I ever want a relationship with someone so superficial? Answer: I wouldn't.

[IceyHotshot]

Also you guys obviously don't understand where I'm coming from but you could at least try to instead of trying to find every angle at which to attack my beliefs.

[greghead]

If she won't wait, or if she'll dump me because the first time was bad, she's not worth my time at all. Why would I ever want a relationship with someone so superficial? Answer: I wouldn't.

But that's just it, it's not superficial at all to move on from someone who can't fuck you the way you want to be fucked. Sex is a major component of romantic relationships. Not all, or even many, adult women are willing to teach you how to fuck. They're not being unreasonable in expecting you to have at least a vague idea of what you're doing with your mouth/hands/dick.

[IceyHotshot]

This is seriously bumming me out. If I didn't feel like giving up before I sure do now.

Oh, and that date went well the other night. I think those weird texts I was reading into was just him being awkward/nervous. I had a really good time and he's a really cool dude and I'm excited to hang out with him again this week. That's all I'll really say because I don't want to spoil anything. (Except, I will say that DUDE IS TALL. Like, has to be at least 6'7" or 6'8", if not taller. I seriously come up to his ribcage.)

Great! Glad to hear it.