It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

[kitt kat]

I think the problem is that I don't really want to go on dates. I am horrible at dating. I just want to skip the whole category and be in a relationship where I have a guy who will sit around and watch sports or whatever without bugging me while I sit around and read trashy women's magazines, and then have awesome sex together later.

Sigh. This.

I'm actually not really looking for a boyfriend now; I think seeing my ex rush back into a relationship so quickly has totally turned me off from it. I don't want to be "that person." I was to figure out who "Kat" is — but this also doesn't mean I don't want to start meeting new people. I like going out to dinner and concerts and bars. Is it so wrong for me to just want to have a handful of guys I can call up to do this with?

It is my personal decision to not join online dating sites. I don't think it's for me. I am a very different person in real life than I am seen on the Internet.

This being said, I am having a really hard time finding people in the real world. I went to a bar this weekend and tried talking to some guy who just happened to sit next to me( wasn't interested sexually, just wanted to be nice) and he told me "I don't talk to ugly chicks." Well, great. None of my girl friends will set me up with anyone. My bandmate seriously cockblocked me when her new boyfriend asked if I was looking for someone to go on a date with; I was about to say, "Sure!" when she interrupted saying "No, Kat has a lot of guys. She doesn't need anyone." Now, that's total utter bullshit -- the guy I was hooking up with for a while hasn't been in contact with me for over a month and he never responded to the last time I asked him to hang, so I gave up pretty quickly.

So, yeah. I am tired of sitting at home alone. It only makes me think about how my ex already moved on so quickly and I'm an ugly troll no attractive, decent men want to touch with a 10 ft pole. I am at a loss.

[Goatchella]

Adult friend finder yielded the most hideous cock gobbling whores of women on this earth.

My friends were stoked. I've never met someone off the Internet with plans on anything serious happening or anything physical at all.

[faxman75]

Does Internet dating actually work?

I tried eHarmony and match.com years ago and both didn't lead to anything. Which ones do you all recommend?

My good friend from high school met his wife on e-harmony. I attended their wedding last January and they are very happy and in love. They highly recommended the service due to their compatability tests.

[weeklymix]

Are you willing to move to Phoenix for about 5 years to do this? Following that, I will consider where you would like to move. I am crazy and creepy but I have a turntable, an apartment that's doubles as a gallery for your profession and hobbies, and also some beer. You can even let me know in advance which magazines you will require and I can get the subscriptions coming in advance of your arrival so you aren't bored when you first get here.

I'm sure the sex will be awesome as well. At least it is when I do it by myself so...i'm fairly confident this would all work. Finally, I do 70-80% of my ranting on facebook so in person, it's much less annoying.

I don't have a Facebook and I can already tell you the percentages don't add up.

[Goatchella]

Sigh. This.

I'm actually not really looking for a boyfriend now; I think seeing my ex rush back into a relationship so quickly has totally turned me off from it. I don't want to be "that person." I was to figure out who "Kat" is — but this also doesn't mean I don't want to start meeting new people. I like going out to dinner and concerts and bars. Is it so wrong for me to just want to have a handful of guys I can call up to do this with?

It is my personal decision to not join online dating sites. I don't think it's for me. I am a very different person in real life than I am seen on the Internet.

This being said, I am having a really hard time finding people in the real world. I went to a bar this weekend and tried talking to some guy who just happened to sit next to me( wasn't interested sexually, just wanted to be nice) and he told me "I don't talk to ugly chicks." Well, great. None of my girl friends will set me up with anyone. My bandmate seriously cockblocked me when her new boyfriend asked if I was looking for someone to go on a date with; I was about to say, "Sure!" when she interrupted saying "No, Kat has a lot of guys. She doesn't need anyone." Now, that's total utter bullshit -- the guy I was hooking up with for a while hasn't been in contact with me for over a month and he never responded to the last time I asked him to hang, so I gave up pretty quickly.

So, yeah. I am tired of sitting at home alone. It only makes me think about how my ex already moved on so quickly and I'm an ugly troll no attractive, decent men want to touch with a 10 ft pole. I am at a loss.

I know some derps in your neck of the woods if you want to handle some blind date ish.

[Courtney]

I actually got a well written, well thought out message from a guy that doesn't come across as creepy or pervy on OKC last night. He even had a shirt on for all of his profile pics. Color me shocked!

I hope you will update us as this progresses. I would be interested to hear more.

I actually joined an online dating service back in September. My trouble is most of the women want to move so quickly. They want to meet after only a few emails.
They get a little impatient when I tell them(nicely) to slow down. I actually found a woman in her early 50's that is as up on music as I am. She refuses to post a picture though but has invited me out for drinks.

Someone who is not willing to post a photo is a major red flag for me. Did she give you a reason?

I do this all the time and don't get any responses. OKC sucks pretty bad.

Yes, you should screencap your profile, blur out any identifying information, and post it here. We will tell you why you aren't getting responses.

have you considered putting this on your profile? most guys would love this.

I sort of feel like it would attract the wrong sort of guys.

[faxman75]

I don't have a Facebook and I can already tell you the percentages don't add up.

Calm down eager beaver.

[chiapet]

I think the problem is that I don't really want to go on dates. I am horrible at dating. I just want to skip the whole category and be in a relationship where I have a guy who will sit around and watch sports or whatever without bugging me while I sit around and read trashy women's magazines, and then have awesome sex together later.

My expectations are only slightly less unrealistic, in that I don't want to go on dates or have to get to know someone. I just want to jump forward to the part where we're good friends, who are attracted to each other and have sex when it's convenient, but otherwise don't put a lot of pressure or expectations on to each other. Like, seriously, where are the cute nice guys who want to go out once a week to a show or go dancing or a movie or dinner, then fuck, then cuddle for a few minutes, then go back to their own apartments and maybe talk/text a little during the week (but don't get bent out of shape if they don't hear from me for days)?

[weeklymix]

Calm down eager beaver.

I'm just telling you if we're going to make this work I need the truth.

[kitt kat]

I know some derps in your neck of the woods if you want to handle some blind date ish.

I'm so scared of blind dates, too.

I just want to meet someone organically. Not on the Internet. Not at a bar.

I can't tell you how many times I've gone to Amoeba for no other reason than to try and talk to hot guys buying records. I usually fail at this because I'm way too awkward to talk to people. One time, a guy who worked there got me a record off the back wall and he complemented me on my taste and all I could say is "Yeah OK thanks."

Usually these trips end up with me spending a lot of money to mask my sadness.

[faxman75]

I'm just telling you if we're going to make this work I need the truth.

The truth destroys relationships.

[locachica73]

Adult Friend Finder is basically for people just looking to bang, it's not for relationships. I went on e-Harmoney once and did all the bullshit personality tests and it set me up with a dude who LOVES star wars and star trek... He even had lifesized action figures. I still wonder what I said on my personality tests that would make that happen. I had a lot of dating luck on plentyoffish.com and have heard good things about match.com.

[chiapet]

I just want to meet someone organically. Not on the Internet. Not at a bar.

Kat, I'm really sorry to tell you that this is not very likely to happen, once you're out of college. I'm not saying it's impossible, the odds are just stacked against you.

It felt very easy to "just meet people" when I was still in school; once you're out in the real world, you spend most of your time at work (and let's just establish right now that meeting guys at work is a bad idea). Where do you spend your free time? At bars, shows, ...? At home on the internet? I feel like you definitely have to work at meeting people... waiting for it to happen organically could leave you alone for longer than you'd like.

[Courtney]

5-10 messages per day?! I have felt lucky to get 5-10 messages per week...

So I've had an online dating profile for years, that I never bothered to fill out. I joined to take tests with my friends and also preview the awful girls that my friend gets matched with and then asks out. But a couple of weeks ago, I filled out my profile and now the weird messages have started to come in.

So far, I've gotten about 15 messages. Several of them were so pervy/creepy that I deleted them and blocked them. A couple of them had no real profile and real thought put into their messages ("hi, do you want to get a drink" type messages with nothing else). So I deleted those. I replied to all of the others. Even when I felt they were unattractive, or probably not very interesting to me. We'll see what happens. ALSO, after some encouragement from some boardies, I started sending messages to guys I feel are really attractive and interesting even though they are clearly out of my league. Can't hurt, right? At worst, they'll ignore my messages.

I've decided I'm going to go on dates with anyone who asks and is like... not completely boring or creepy sounding. To the extent that I have time. If a lot of guys ask, I'll have to limit it. I don't think that's going to be a problem. :P

(PS I went on my first online dating date ever on Friday. It was awful and I couldn't wait to get rid of him. But the rest of the dates probably won't be THAT bad.... right?)

Heidi, I'm sure the high quantity of messages is just because I'm a brand new profile so I come out at the top of the search results. I assume it will taper off over time. Although I also find that when I change my main photo, I usually get a bunch of messages.

I think your policy on going on dates with nearly anyone who asks is good. I'm probably on the other extreme in that I am very picky, and that's not very helpful in terms of the numbers game that online dating seems to be.

[clleadz]

delete

[weeklymix]

So, yeah. I am tired of sitting at home alone. It only makes me think about how my ex already moved on so quickly and I'm an ugly troll no attractive, decent men want to touch with a 10 ft pole. I am at a loss.

Stop this. Nothing makes me angrier as a guy when girls outwardly profess their displeasure with their appearance. Unless these photos you post aren't of yourself you're not allowed to do this. That goes for most women and especially the ones on this board. Stop hating yourself in front of us. As much as you expect confidence in men, I think most men want women to not call themselves ugly. Men are shallow creatures, if you've been soberly (or even drunkenly) loved once before it's because someone thought you'd look good naked on top of them. Whether it was the first thought or not doesn't matter, the point is eventually that we get to it.

[Courtney]

Are you willing to move to Phoenix for about 5 years to do this? Following that, I will consider where you would like to move. I am crazy and creepy but I have a turntable, an apartment that's doubles as a gallery for your profession and hobbies, and also some beer. You can even let me know in advance which magazines you will require and I can get the subscriptions coming in advance of your arrival so you aren't bored when you first get here.

I'm sure the sex will be awesome as well. At least it is when I do it by myself so...i'm fairly confident this would all work. Finally, I do 70-80% of my ranting on facebook so in person, it's much less annoying.

Ha! I should include that in my profile: "must be willing to subscribe to really embarrassing glossy women's magazines."

[summerkid]

Does Internet dating actually work?

I tried eHarmony and match.com years ago and both didn't lead to anything. Which ones do you all recommend?

I think eharmony and match.com are for people actually looking for relationships while sites like okcupid and adultfriendfinder are more suited for people looking for online hookups. I had a friend that has had some success with match.com he's been with that girl for almost a year now. The problem is that maybe the "compatibility" function works too well sometimes. My friend can be pretty emotional for a guy and his girlfriend is also emotional. My theory is that this is why match.com matched them up because other than their emotional "compatibility" and intellectual compatibility they have very little in common. This at times leads to very awkward moments where they have these intensely emotional conversations about minuscule ordeals that people really wouldn't usually get worked up about. I'll walk in on a conversation and think oh my god what happened and it's some conversation about how so and so wanted them to go to the beach and asked them why they didn't go and how because of that they aren't letting them be their own person or something ridiculous like that. With that being said, they seem happy though so I guess that's all that matters.

[GuyInTucson]

Women post screen shots of creepy messages you receive from weirdos on dating sites.

[chiapet]

Are you kidding? I'm ridiculously picky. My standards are insane, at least when it comes to strangers. I can find so many things unappealing about even the most perfect internet stranger.

However, that system has not really worked for me up to this point, so I have to try something different. As others have pointed out, at least I will get better at dating. It occurred to me at some point that I'm in my mid-30's and I really don't actually know how to date. Up to this point, I've relied on just dating people I already knew. I have no idea how to act charming, or well even normal, on a first date. Maybe by practicing on some of the ones I'm not so keen on... by the time someone actually quite great expresses interest, I won't be a total nutcase on the blind date?

[Goatchella]

I'm down to do all this stuff with you girls except bang. Also, my girlfriend has to come...
I have some really great friends and I will never mention anything to them or you.

We just go have a great time and get wild and if you are down you proceed. Otherwise you just have fun and go to sleep.
It's not a blind date set up or any pressure.

[Courtney]

and he told me "I don't talk to ugly chicks."

My bandmate seriously cockblocked me when her new boyfriend asked if I was looking for someone to go on a date with; I was about to say, "Sure!" when she interrupted saying "No, Kat has a lot of guys. She doesn't need anyone."

Both of the above are ridiculous and make me way mad for you. Sounds like you need to stop hanging out with/around assholes.

[weeklymix]

I'm down to do all this stuff with you girls except bang. Also, my girlfriend has to come...
I have some really great friends and I will never mention anything to them or you.

We just go have a great time and get wild and if you are down you proceed. Otherwise you just have fun and go to sleep.
It's not a blind date set up or any pressure.

Surely this will end well. Someone take this offer.

[chiapet]

Women post screen shots of creepy messages you receive from weirdos on dating sites.

I can't because I already deleted it, but I got multiple messages from someone whose username included 'analsex'. This is the sort I attract.

Am I being a total prude in thinking that... if anal sex is something that you are into, it's something you bring up no earlier than several dates in? It doesn't .... go in your screenname.

[Goatchella]

Stop this. Nothing makes me angrier as a guy when girls outwardly profess their displeasure with their appearance. Unless these photos you post aren't of yourself you're not allowed to do this. That goes for most women and especially the ones on this board. Stop hating yourself in front of us. As much as you expect confidence in men, I think most men want women to not call themselves ugly. Men are shallow creatures, if you've been soberly (or even drunkenly) loved once before it's because someone thought you'd look good naked on top of them. Whether it was the first thought or not doesn't matter, the point is eventually that we get to it.

Thiss^^^
Confidence is everything even if it's bullshit.

Anyways I think you girls are beautiful from what I have seen and felt via the Internet.
Id date all of yas. I don't understand how your not hitched.

[IceyHotshot]

I had an OkCupid account until today. I would send out messages with solid grammar, not too long, and with some questions for the girl to answer should she reply. I got replies less than a handful of times, and then I would reply again, and never hear back. I also don't have shirtless pics. I guess I am too boring or unattractive. Anyway, I had my account idle for months. I decided to delete it after seeing this thread

[Courtney]

I went on e-Harmoney once and did all the bullshit personality tests and it set me up with a dude who LOVES star wars and star trek... He even had lifesized action figures.

That actually sounds pretty awesome. I would be all about that.

I still wonder what I said on my personality tests that would make that happen. I had a lot of dating luck on plentyoffish.com and have heard good things about match.com.

I had match.com once and it seemed like all the guys in my area who used it were older and pretty religious. My female friend likes plentyoffish because she says there are lots of cute black guys on it, but she also says that it's more for hookups than relationships.

[Courtney]

Here's a dating dilemma I would adore some help with:

I am a brit living in the US for at least 3 more years, I know a nice girl here who is besotted with me, and I like her, but after 18 months I am still not feeling into it enough to commit any further.

There is a girl in the UK I have been obsessed with since I met her 5 years ago, I saw her at christmas and she tells me she likes me, has the whole time, and wants to come visit this summer.

Do I see things out with US girl? Take a chance on UK girl (who I would not see much for the next few years anyway!?)

Never before in my life have I had a choice like this, ordinarily I struggle to get one option

Dump the US girl. If you're not feeling it after 18 months, it's not going to happen and you're wasting your time and hers.

Invite the UK girl to visit over the summer, with the understanding that long distance is hell and that it should probably just be hot vacation sex and leave it at that.

Look towards pursuing someone who is awesome and local in the meantime.

[Hannahrain]

I don't understand how any of this water-eyed sadmouthing is supposed to help me determine which of these cave illustrations is oldest.

[Courtney]

Are you kidding? I'm ridiculously picky. My standards are insane, at least when it comes to strangers. I can find so many things unappealing about even the most perfect internet stranger.

However, that system has not really worked for me up to this point, so I have to try something different. As others have pointed out, at least I will get better at dating. It occurred to me at some point that I'm in my mid-30's and I really don't actually know how to date. Up to this point, I've relied on just dating people I already knew. I have no idea how to act charming, or well even normal, on a first date. Maybe by practicing on some of the ones I'm not so keen on... by the time someone actually quite great expresses interest, I won't be a total nutcase on the blind date?

I meant that I'm the opposite of your new philosophy on meeting up with most anyone. Not that you're not naturally picky.

I think I also need to learn how to "get better" at dating. Whatever that means.