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Thread: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

  1. #14281
    ankle biter guedita's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    My friend brought the letter over last night.

    1. It came in a fedex package that did not have his name on the return label. It said it was from "The Owl," which we later realized was a reference to the poem the "Owl and the Pussycat," which he seems to have thought was "their poem" and their pet names for each other, because my friend had a book of poetry opened to the poem at her house once and he read it.

    2. I don't know what fucking kind of cologne it was, but it was fucking intense. It stunk up my whole apartment. It's as if he drenched the letter in it. She doesn't remember what kind it was either, though he bragged that it was expensive.

    3. Paternalistic bullshit right off the bat: "My grandpa was right, he always said I'd know when I met someone special and I knew it the moment I met you. I know that deep down you felt the same way, but I must accept your reasons for walking away. In the future, I hope you'll be more up front about your dating goals to others. It'll go a long way in avoiding circumstances like ours. I'll chalk it up to an honest mistake on your part. I believe you didn't mean to mislead or hurt me in any way."

    4. Includes a long list of memories they shared together that he'll never forget, including "...your fucking incredible Kegel muscles." AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

    5. Begins letter with, "this is the last correspondence you'll ever have from me." Ends letter with, "If you're ever emotionally ready to spend your life with this simple Midwestern guy, I would love to continue our journey."

    6. Package included not only the $20, but also a Safeway gift card (amount unknown!). Because of the memory of eating prosciutto together.

    8/16: Anthony Naples, Maxmillion Dunbar @ f8
    8/18: Man Man @ The Chapel
    8/23-8/24: FYF Fest
    8/30: Peaking Lights @ The Chapel
    9/3: Bear in Heaven @ The Independent
    9/24 - 28: Decibel Festival
    10/5: The War on Drugs, Cass McCombs @ The Fillmore
    10/18-19: Treasure Island Music Festival

  2. #14282
    old school HotHamWater's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    Ahahahaha. Jesus fuck.

  3. #14283
    MENACING Courtney's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    I'm a little bit scared for your friend right now.

  4. #14284
    Banned thelastgreatman's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    I always go to Safeway for my prosciutto memories.
    Quote Originally Posted by schoolofruckus View Post
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  5. #14285
    Banned marooko's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    Quote Originally Posted by Courtney View Post
    I'm a little bit scared for your friend right now.
    this

  6. #14286
    ankle biter guedita's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    Luckily she's pretty well versed in the art of having to deal with weirdo ex lovers randomly showing up at her domicile and stalking her.

    8/16: Anthony Naples, Maxmillion Dunbar @ f8
    8/18: Man Man @ The Chapel
    8/23-8/24: FYF Fest
    8/30: Peaking Lights @ The Chapel
    9/3: Bear in Heaven @ The Independent
    9/24 - 28: Decibel Festival
    10/5: The War on Drugs, Cass McCombs @ The Fillmore
    10/18-19: Treasure Island Music Festival

  7. #14287

    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    "pretty well versed" sounds like she needs to fix her screen door.
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  8. #14288
    Coachella Junkie chairmenmeow47's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    I know that deep down you felt the same way, but I must accept your reasons for walking away.
    christ what an asshole.
    Quote Originally Posted by malcolmjamalawesome View Post
    It's when we discuss Coachella that we are at our collective dipshittiest.

  9. #14289
    old school ThatGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    He sounds bloody mental.
    Quote Originally Posted by M Sparks View Post
    It's all riding on this. You've got big dreams to ride to the top of the Flash Mob world. Well internet fame costs. And right now is when you start paying for it...in sweat.
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  10. #14290
    Member Sheldorrr's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    Safeway Prosciutto - second as an aphrodisiac only to Sex Panther. Rawr.
    CHECK OUT HOW ME AND MY BORING FRIENDS EXPERIENCE COACHELLA!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7FL8IWFxMU

  11. #14291
    zeezus amyzzz's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    Frightening.
    Quote Originally Posted by guedita View Post
    Because fucking millenials that's what

  12. #14292
    Member tyles's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    #4 by far is the creepiest part of all of that.
    Coachellas attended: 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012 (W1), 2013 (W1)

    Quote Originally Posted by captncrzy View Post
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    Friday Night: Woo, my parents let me out of the house!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Drinkey McDrinkerstein View Post
    The level of sheer laziness and pure speculation and confusion about very easily found and well-known things that this board has gotten to is truly confounding.

  13. #14293

    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    I find it confounding that this guy is able to land any dates at all.
    Arcade Fire - Sir Richard Bishop, Bill Orcutt - Spoon - Paul McCartney - Steve Gunn - Beserktown Fest - Slint - Sleep - Swans - Owen Pallett - Neutral Milk Hotel - Chris Thile & Edgar Meyer - Bobby Bradford Quartet - Matana Roberts - Wadada Leo Smith, Anthony Braxton - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers - Songs for Unseen Warhol Films - Ben Frost, Tim Hecker, Pete Swanson - Ryoji Ikeda - Slowdive - A Winged Victory for the Sullen - John Zorn Marathon

  14. #14294

    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    Could you make eye contact with your friend after reading about her amaze kegels

  15. #14295
    ankle biter guedita's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    Quote Originally Posted by Starraven View Post
    Could you make eye contact with your friend after reading about her amaze kegels
    Of course.

    Her: "I mean. I HAVE been doing kegel exercises since I was 9."

    Me: "I know. You yelled at me in PE freshman year once about how I needed to start doing them."

    Her: "....and look where they've got me."

    8/16: Anthony Naples, Maxmillion Dunbar @ f8
    8/18: Man Man @ The Chapel
    8/23-8/24: FYF Fest
    8/30: Peaking Lights @ The Chapel
    9/3: Bear in Heaven @ The Independent
    9/24 - 28: Decibel Festival
    10/5: The War on Drugs, Cass McCombs @ The Fillmore
    10/18-19: Treasure Island Music Festival

  16. #14296
    Banned marooko's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    "...fucking incredible..."

  17. #14297
    Peaceful Oasis TomAz's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    Quote Originally Posted by tyles View Post
    #4 by far is the creepiest part of all of that.
    I disagree. #3 is the creepiest. They had, what, two or three dates? that's psycho stalker stuff right there.
    Quote Originally Posted by efrain44 View Post
    Anyone know who the guy in the Cardinals jersey is? I've seen him in pictures on the board and I thought I saw him this year.

  18. #14298
    ankle biter guedita's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    They went on a total of 4 dates and one "here's your stuff bye" meeting, and she continuously told him throughout all of the dates that she had recently gotten out of a serious relationship and had no desire to be in another, only wanted casual dating, wanted to sleep around and meet other people.

    8/16: Anthony Naples, Maxmillion Dunbar @ f8
    8/18: Man Man @ The Chapel
    8/23-8/24: FYF Fest
    8/30: Peaking Lights @ The Chapel
    9/3: Bear in Heaven @ The Independent
    9/24 - 28: Decibel Festival
    10/5: The War on Drugs, Cass McCombs @ The Fillmore
    10/18-19: Treasure Island Music Festival

  19. #14299
    Coachella Junkie chairmenmeow47's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    which is why he found it so obvious that she felt he was "the one".
    Quote Originally Posted by malcolmjamalawesome View Post
    It's when we discuss Coachella that we are at our collective dipshittiest.

  20. #14300
    ankle biter guedita's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    I'm perplexed by the $20 AND the Safeway giftcard. I mean, you're just giving her money. Why are you giving her money in two separate forms?


    He probably thought that including a package of prosciutto in the fedex envelope would be TOO WEIRD.

    8/16: Anthony Naples, Maxmillion Dunbar @ f8
    8/18: Man Man @ The Chapel
    8/23-8/24: FYF Fest
    8/30: Peaking Lights @ The Chapel
    9/3: Bear in Heaven @ The Independent
    9/24 - 28: Decibel Festival
    10/5: The War on Drugs, Cass McCombs @ The Fillmore
    10/18-19: Treasure Island Music Festival

  21. #14301
    Coachella Junkie chairmenmeow47's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    maybe he's re-gifting and tried to make it seem thoughtful with the whole "prosciutto" thing?
    Quote Originally Posted by malcolmjamalawesome View Post
    It's when we discuss Coachella that we are at our collective dipshittiest.

  22. #14302
    old school JorgeC's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    you just made my day. where the fuck is your sitcom money!
    Quote Originally Posted by guedita View Post
    Which healthcare provider will euthanize you the fastest as a service to society?
    8/2&3 HARD Summer - 8/7 Arctic Monkeys@Staples - 8/8 Cut Copy@Brooklyn Bowl - 8/22 NIN@Verizon - 8/23&24 FYF Fest - 9/2 Bear in Heaven@Echoplex - 9/4 Phantogram@Fox Pomona - 9/6 Atmosphere@Palladium - 9/10 Britney Spears - 10/8 Gus Gus@Roxy - 10/10 Twin Shadow@Glass House

  23. #14303
    Banned marooko's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    No money to go out ($20). solves that. but the gift card.....?? is her fridge empty? surely there's a place in the bay to get better prosciutto than safeway.

  24. #14304
    Member chbludevil's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    Guedita, I think you and your friend should write an equally fucked up letter back to him that calls him out on all his bullshit, unless of course there is the chance he takes it the wrong way and thinks your friend is simply reaching out to him to get back together. In that case I would just take a poop in an express envelope and send that shit to him, no other reply needed.

  25. #14305
    Member Sheldorrr's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    There's really one lesson to be learned here:

    If you want men to call you back, do your fucking kegels.
    CHECK OUT HOW ME AND MY BORING FRIENDS EXPERIENCE COACHELLA!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7FL8IWFxMU

  26. #14306
    Coachella Junkie algunz's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    Amazing.

  27. #14307
    MENACING Courtney's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    Quote Originally Posted by Sheldorrr View Post
    There's really one lesson to be learned here:

    If you want men to call you back, do your fucking kegels.
    (If you want creepy/emotionally disturbed/condescending men to call you back.)

  28. #14308
    Peaceful Oasis TomAz's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    No, I think Sheldorr's onto something.
    Quote Originally Posted by efrain44 View Post
    Anyone know who the guy in the Cardinals jersey is? I've seen him in pictures on the board and I thought I saw him this year.

  29. #14309
    MENACING Courtney's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    Quote Originally Posted by chbludevil View Post
    Guedita, I think you and your friend should write an equally fucked up letter back to him that calls him out on all his bullshit, unless of course there is the chance he takes it the wrong way and thinks your friend is simply reaching out to him to get back together. In that case I would just take a poop in an express envelope and send that shit to him, no other reply needed.
    I'm thinking that action item #1 should really be to have some sort of intervention for the friend to prevent her from choosing to go on ONE date with this sort of character in the future, let alone four.

  30. #14310
    ankle biter guedita's Avatar
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    Default Re: It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

    Quote Originally Posted by Courtney View Post
    I'm thinking that action item #1 should really be to have some sort of intervention for the friend to prevent her from choosing to go on ONE date with this sort of character in the future, let alone four.
    Correct. I knew she had joined OKC and she had sent me her profile so that I could see it but I hadn't seen her until after she'd gone on date 4. We've implemented a new screening process.

    8/16: Anthony Naples, Maxmillion Dunbar @ f8
    8/18: Man Man @ The Chapel
    8/23-8/24: FYF Fest
    8/30: Peaking Lights @ The Chapel
    9/3: Bear in Heaven @ The Independent
    9/24 - 28: Decibel Festival
    10/5: The War on Drugs, Cass McCombs @ The Fillmore
    10/18-19: Treasure Island Music Festival

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