My friend brought the letter over last night.
1. It came in a fedex package that did not have his name on the return label. It said it was from "The Owl," which we later realized was a reference to the poem the "Owl and the Pussycat," which he seems to have thought was "their poem" and their pet names for each other, because my friend had a book of poetry opened to the poem at her house once and he read it.
2. I don't know what fucking kind of cologne it was, but it was fucking intense. It stunk up my whole apartment. It's as if he drenched the letter in it. She doesn't remember what kind it was either, though he bragged that it was expensive.
3. Paternalistic bullshit right off the bat: "My grandpa was right, he always said I'd know when I met someone special and I knew it the moment I met you. I know that deep down you felt the same way, but I must accept your reasons for walking away. In the future, I hope you'll be more up front about your dating goals to others. It'll go a long way in avoiding circumstances like ours. I'll chalk it up to an honest mistake on your part. I believe you didn't mean to mislead or hurt me in any way."
4. Includes a long list of memories they shared together that he'll never forget, including "...your fucking incredible Kegel muscles." AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
5. Begins letter with, "this is the last correspondence you'll ever have from me." Ends letter with, "If you're ever emotionally ready to spend your life with this simple Midwestern guy, I would love to continue our journey."
6. Package included not only the $20, but also a Safeway gift card (amount unknown!). Because of the memory of eating prosciutto together.