It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

[Miroir Noir]

Interesting piece in the new Atlantic called "A Million First Dates" about the ways online dating is changing ideas of monogamy and satisfaction in relationships.

[mountmccabe]

Interesting piece in the new Atlantic called "A Million First Dates" about the ways online dating is changing ideas of monogamy and satisfaction in relationships.

It starts off bad going from a long anecdote about someone who didn't pressure himself into a badly matched marriage and then follows that with dating company execs who say that divorce rates will increase.

The article later tries to support this with

Low quality, unhappy and unsatisfying marriages [and relationships] are being destroyed as people drift to Internet dating sites.

But I don't get how they are trying to present this as a bad thing.

[chairmenmeow47]

i think it's more likely that people don't want to commit because we live exponentially longer than we used to, don't have the pressure to wait until marriage to have sex (as mentioned in the article), and that we are more connected as a society in general (not living in the middle of nowhere in iowa, like the article also stated). also some people like the guy in the article just don't have a desire to commit. family didn't sound important to him. if you don't want kids, the value of marriage to me seems to diminish. why enter into a 70 year contract with someone when there are no children to protect?

and whether it was online dating or the hot new secretary at work, the "jacob" of the article would probably have trouble being faithful and happy in any type of society. someone who is happy in a relationship isn't going to get all excited and log back into a dating site just because they got an email from the site.

interesting article, but i think people's inability to commit has more to do with them than it does with technology or simply having more options.

[Zafocaine]

Perhaps it's a sign that this country no longer upholds so-called Christian values. I like to think that I would be considered a good Christian based on my personal values, but I would still prefer to avoid marriage with my partner. It's a contract that has nothing to do with true love, and the ritual has become sort of stale in its purpose. Why would you want to get married when you know that it's most likely going to fail? I think that internet and cell phones do make a difference, but that the difference has already been made. I'm a pretty honest being. I find cheating to be disgusting, and there's just no joy in lying to get my way. The truth cuts deeper, and no one wants to hear it anymore. Divorce is way up, and we're hearing songs like, "If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it" trying to warp us into some mold that no longer fits our society. In fact, I have to laugh every time I hear that song, because I have an ex who used the same words on me once upon a time. If I liked it, trusted you, had met your friends and family, and thought you or I were worthy of baring children, then you'd have had two rings on that mother fucker babe. The thing is, and maybe this is just me, I don't trust anyone anymore. I've been burned in nearly every relationship, in one way or another. Mistrust is a huge government plot, whether you care to admit it or not, and it seems that they're attempting successfully to transplant said mistrust into the bedroom. I'm not going to stop dating because of the apparent evil agenda, but I will definitely wait to put any rings on any fingers until my chosen one and I are at the perfect place in our lives for it. If that never happens, then so be it. Too much goodness in the world waiting for each of us to be worrying about marriage! Now then... off to see the wizard.

[miscorrections]

Wait. Your failed relationships are part of a government conspiracy? Someone call Coast to Coast!

[mountmccabe]

It's the only reasonable conclusion.

[Miroir Noir]

But I don't get how they are trying to present this as a bad thing.

That part is interesting to me. I think there's a whole raft of sociological and demographic shifts that are occurring right now, in large part because of this phenomena. On one hand, I think increasing individual autonomy (especially for women) and sexual freedom and satisfaction are on balance tremendously positive developments (though I did find the article's most interesting argument to be the idea that the abundance of choices leaves us less satisfied). On the other, there are some countervailing negative consequences, including the increasing number of children being raised in financially-struggling single parent homes, and the increasing number of young men who are essentially dropping not just out of family life, but attendant civil society. Those trends are troubling to liberals and conservatives, but often for very different reasons. I'm not sure if anything can, or more importantly, should be done however.

and whether it was online dating or the hot new secretary at work, the "jacob" of the article would probably have trouble being faithful and happy in any type of society. someone who is happy in a relationship isn't going to get all excited and log back into a dating site just because they got an email from the site.

I agree with this, and what John was saying, too: he seems like something of a poor anecdote simply because he would be disinclined towards commitment irrespective of technology. It's true he may have married the younger relationship interest out of "settling" or whatever had he not been exposed to the wonder of online hookup culture, but from the context, I am pretty confident he would also have been divorced within a few years had he gone through with such a marriage.

[jackstraw94086]

None of this is rocket science. Increasing divorce rates are not a sign that people are less happy in marriage than they ever used to be. Society simply gives them more opportunity to make adjustments today. Dating sites are only one part of that. Increasing standards of living and the advance of females in the workplace are probably far bigger parts. There is far more opportunity for people to support individual lifestyles today than ever before.

It's not a disintegration of "christian values" or other perceived causes of a deviation from some arbitrary bullshit "normal".

It's like Louis C.K. says. Divorce is always good news. No happy marriage has ever ended in divorce.

[fatbastard]

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free is what I'm hearing.

[xuclarockerx]

thats what my dad says

[marooko]

Why would you want to get married when you know that it's most likely going to fail?

People poison their relationships with this thought before they even start. I'm happily married and plan to be until one, or both of us dies. For some reason that has become the crazy thought, instead of defeatist one expressed above. Neither of us practice any religion, so that idea is irrelevant. It's a commitment. You do what you can to maintain these things because whatever the commitment is, you should be just that, committed to it. That, in and of itself, should be enough to try to maintain it. Blame whoever you like, but it's a conscious decision you make not to keep your word.

[HotHamWater]

We're not a good match according to OKCupid's algorithm, but I think it could be love if I gave it a chance.

[Devin the Dude]

Seal the deal.

[marooko]

Love. It's an algorithm.

[Miroir Noir]

We're not a good match according to OKCupid's algorithm, but I think it could be love if I gave it a chance.

a) probably not a real person, b) if not a), screw the algorithm

[samiksha]

% match refers to those hands

[SoulDischarge]

Someone just messaged me on a hook up site and asked how my night was going, to which I replied that I was just hanging at home binging on Parks & Rec. He said he didn't know what binging was (or Parks & Rec, but that's not really relevant). When I explained what both were, he said he's out of sorts when it comes to slang.

[bmack86]

I'd wager he's probably more out of sorts when it comes to thinking. Did you ask him if he's a regular poster on this message board?

[guedita]

Never ever date anyone who doesn't understand the term binging.

[M Sparks]

That's not slang, unless "slang" is slang for "having a reasonable vocabulary".

How was he?

[JorgeC]

You can watch Parks & Rec on that search engine? Damn, Spiderman was on to something.

[Robin]

One of my OKC quiver matches has the screen name BaconandBeef.
I think I'm in love.

[guedita]

An update, please, Robin.

[Robin]

An update, please, Robin.

His profile was full of physically active hobbies. I quickly wrote him off. I need someone lazy, like me.
I did recently get a message from a 48 year old married man. Maybe I'll give him a shot.

[jackstraw94086]

most guys are bullshitting when they list all those physical activities. He's probably just casting a wide net instead of making the effort to narrow down his profile to be more meaningful. Does that kind of laziness count?

[Devin the Dude]

Validated.

[chairmenmeow47]

the pizza guy remembered my wings, but alas it was a different guy who i will not dick down. i can't win!

[xuclarockerx]

sorry folks but "Nice Guys of OKCupid" (the tumblr) is no more

[Dogvolta]

So, why is "hiking" listed on so many damn profiles?
I had no idea so many people liked hiking until I started browsing dating sites.

[HowToDisappear]

I never dated a guy who didn't like to hike. It's a prerequisite, you know.