It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin: A Thread About Dating

[bmack86]

Did the same for me. I also don't much care for the "u" though.

[faxman75]

Well, she said she was a big news nerd and liked the National. Lets try to be more productive in our criticism rather than just say "Dooooomed". I already know I suck, duh.

[faxman75]

Saying that you're not a loner put up a red flag for me. But don't listen to me. I'm the one that doesn't like "u."

Would that tell you the guy is probably a loner? I can see that. Good to know and I won't say that in the future.

[Courtney]

Mark, I have a few thoughts on your message. If you don't mind a gentle critique.

I really like that you pay attention to her profile and reference specific things on it -- it shows that you are paying attention and is way more likely to get you a response. I also really like that you ask her specific questions so that it gives her an easy way to respond if she's interested, without having to grasp for conversation topics.

What I don't like so much is that you do the "I'm not a loner" thing. Anytime a guy sends me a message saying "I'm not in a relationship" or "I'm not a couch potato" or whatever, that's pretty much a red flag that he IS those things. And if nothing else, it makes you seem less confident. There's no need to make a negative statement like that -- just don't mention it at all.

I would also take out the "heh" at the end, which also makes you seem less confident. Make a statement or a question with certainty and don't modify it with verbal cues that you are trying to back down from it.

I'm not sure what the political and current event discussion sentence has to do with the rest of the message. Does she mention that in her profile? It seems like an odd transition to me. If she does mention it in her profile, make sure to say that you read it there, so it's clear you are paying attention to her. I think there have been studies that show that even repeating back similar phrases and word structures is helpful in picking up women, because knowing that you are listening is REALLY important to us.

And lastly, you do have three typos in there. But it's not a big deal depending on the woman you are trying to message. Personally, I probably wouldn't be too worried about the typos because overall you seem fairly literate. But definitely be careful not to get more sloppy than that.

[chairmenmeow47]

Oh man. Bragging about your vinyl collection in the second sentance. Doooooooooomed.

Saying that you're not a loner put up a red flag for me. But don't listen to me. I'm the one that doesn't like "u."

i agree with both of these comments. maybe others disagree, but less is more. make a reference about their profile (which you did, good ), quickly introduce yourself (name, one interesting thing), and ask a question they will want to respond to. the more you type, the more they can find that they may dislike lol.

[Alchemy]

My OKCupid ID is MojaveTent. I don't know how to find any of you.

[Courtney]

Alchemy, I just added you to my favorites. You should get a message so you can find my profile.

Feel free to critique what I have written and suggest edits if you like. I need all the writerly help I can get.

[Miroir Noir]

Well, she said she was a big news nerd and liked the National. Lets try to be more productive in our criticism rather than just say "Dooooomed". I already know I suck, duh.

In your reply back, skip opining on the news and talk more about the National. Explain what you like about Matt's lyrics, or the band's sound. Instead of talking about the depths of your fandom in practical terms or merchandise or shows, talk about why they matter to you, what you get out it. That makes the message both personal and interesting.

[Alchemy]

Alchemy, I just added you to my favorites. You should get a message so you can find my profile.

Feel free to critique what I have written and suggest edits if you like. I need all the writerly help I can get.

Well, I'm disappointed that we are only 13% enemies, Courtney. I was rather hoping that we'd begin a beautiful rivalry.

[chiapet]

I think the news/politics thing is okay because he already told us that she said she's really into it. The transition is a little awkward, but it doesn't bother me. He's just pointing out that he shares some interests with her.

But I agree that I wouldn't use the "I'm not a loner" line again. Maybe something like "I just moved to downtown Phoenix from (previous neighborhood/town), and I am looking forward to meeting some new people and exploring the neighborhood." From your message I read it more as you just moved to Phoenix, without the stress on downtown. So maybe mentioning that you moved from within Phoenix or just saying that you've recently moved to a different neighborhood (without specifying), will help establish that you're not completely new to Phoenix, friendless and desperate for company...

Edit: It is really tough to write thoughtful messages to strangers. There have been a lot of guys I thought seemed cute or interesting, but I really couldn't think of anything interesting to write to them, so I skipped it.

[faxman75]

What I don't like so much is that you do the "I'm not a loner" thing. Anytime a guy sends me a message saying "I'm not in a relationship" or "I'm not a couch potato" or whatever, that's pretty much a red flag that he IS those things. And if nothing else, it makes you seem less confident. There's no need to make a negative statement like that -- just don't mention it at all.

Got it. For some reason I wouldn't have thought making a statement would mean the opposite but I at least get the less confident part. It's kind of like i'm compensating or being defensive about it, yes?

I would also take out the "heh" at the end, which also makes you seem less confident. Make a statement or a question with certainty and don't modify it with verbal cues that you are trying to back down from it.

Noted. I debated putting that in as well.

I'm not sure what the political and current event discussion sentence has to do with the rest of the message. Does she mention that in her profile? It seems like an odd transition to me. If she does mention it in her profile, make sure to say that you read it there, so it's clear you are paying attention to her. I think there have been studies that show that even repeating back similar phrases and word structures is helpful in picking up women, because knowing that you are listening is REALLY important to us.

Yes, it was in her profile. She said she was an avid news reader and loves discussing politics.

And lastly, you do have three typos in there. But it's not a big deal depending on the woman you are trying to message. Personally, I probably wouldn't be too worried about the typos because overall you seem fairly literate. But definitely be careful not to get more sloppy than that.

I think my messages can only improve from here. Thanks for the tips. I'm definitely lacking in the confidence department but there is no need for me to allow it to come across in my messages. I should be able to handle a quick spell check, it would show i'm at least putting forth some effort.

[Robin]

HAHAHAH!! Oh my...
I just got this message on OKC

From fremontguy01
"Hi Are you crazy? I hope you are."

[Robin]

My OKCupid ID is MojaveTent. I don't know how to find any of you.

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I think you might be my worst match on the boards, so far.

[chiapet]

It's kind of like i'm compensating or being defensive about it, yes?

Yes, that's exactly it.

I think some guys can be too over the top in how confidently they present themselves, but I don't think you personally are going to risk that. A good thing to do before hitting send is to re-read what you've written and make sure you don't come across as self-depreciating -- while that sort of humor can be funny sometimes from people you already know, it's a big turn off from a stranger. If you put out the vibe that you're not worth meeting or dating, other people will pick up on that. I have been working on re-writing my profile because I realized there were too many things that I'd included that came across as critical of myself or trying too hard to compensate for areas where I am critical of myself

[faxman75]

Thanks to the rest of you for your tips as well. I'm guessing my profile could use some work too. Any suggestions there? I'm using the same name there as I am here.

[Newro7ic]

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The measurements of my dream girl/woman/babe/darling/dear.

[Alchemy]

So many of my "matches" are depressing. I need to leave El Paso.

[chiapet]

Mark, I think it looks okay. There are a few typos to clean up, but I think you presented yourself in a pretty positive way. I'm terrible at writing or editing profiles, so maybe someone else will come along with some specific suggestions.

The only other thing I would suggest is maybe more photos, like maybe a head shot? On my monitor your face looks kind of fuzzy in the 2nd one and very blurry in the third.

[nathanfairchild]

So many of my "matches" are depressing. I need to leave El Paso.

i feel the exact same. i'm stuck in Waco.

[bluemamba]

I think some of you are looking into the profile thing way too much. Edit: or the message Fax sent.

A good part of your chances of a girl messaging you back on an online website is based on your looks. Since there's only that and what you end up writing to her, how big do you think your chances are if she doesn't find you attractive??Mannerisms, the tone of your voice, ect ect don't come across on the net so that doesn't help.

[guedita]

Uh........

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[AlecEiffel]

I just want to give some recognition to M Sparks for busting out a They Might Be Giants deep cut this morning.

[AlecEiffel]

Also, this thread makes OKCupid seem really fun, but I think my wife would be pissed if I made a profile.

[Newro7ic]

Also, this thread makes OKCupid seem really fun, but I think my wife would be pissed if I made a profile.

The site you are looking for goes by Ashley Madison. You can thank me later.

[Robin]

Also, this thread makes OKCupid seem really fun, but I think my wife would be pissed if I made a profile.

Tell her to mind her own business and get back in the kitchen.

In all seriousness, what if you just explained to her that it's just for fun? I mean, I didn't exactly create my profile to meet people.

[marooko]

Maybe my wife is crazy, but I don't think she'd find my OKC profile "fun". I'm gonna go ahead and guess Alec's wife may not see the humor too swiftly ether.

But yeah, I'd tell her to get back in the kitchen as well.

Though I am curious about match %'s.

[AlecEiffel]

I still think she'd be uncomfortable with it. Or she might just make fun of me.

[Alchemy]

Tell her that you are looking for enemies or friends. That is what I plan on telling anybody who tells me that they found me.

[Gribbz]

[Miroir Noir]

Why are you guys looking for "enemies"? If I wanted to make acquaintance with people who have annoyingly-different political, cultural, religious, and ethical views than I do, I'd just go to a Glenn Beck rally. Or to my high school reunion.