Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

[clleadz]

Figured as much. Thanks for the advice

[clleadz]

What if the answer is 'no'? What's your action plan then?

True. I guess it is more for me that I want to talk, it wasn't a great break up and there is more I wanted to say / explain. But I guess it doesn't matter now

[ThatGirl]

I had a friend just tell me she had received an invite to a wedding shower for a former colleague - and then didn't get an invite to the wedding. She wasn't able to attend the shower but did send a gift along with her regrets. Call me crazy - but for her to not get an invite to the wedding, but to be expected to provide a gift at any point in the process, is this not terribly rude??

[Courtney]

Traditionally, etiquette does strictly dictate that only folks who will be invited to the wedding should be invited to the shower.

However, I think in the case of smaller, family-only type weddings, this rule does have the potential to break down somewhat if it's a shower thrown by coworkers. In that case, I think it is reasonable to make an exception. However, I don't think coworkers should feel obligated to attend any shower, and I also think that if they choose to go, they should not feel obligated to spend more than a very small amount on a token gift gesture.

[sonofhal]

Buy them a copy of Lord of the Rings on DVD as a Tolkien gesture.

[JorgeC]

Traditionally, etiquette does strictly dictate that only folks who will be invited to the wedding should be invited to the shower.

However, I think in the case of smaller, family-only type weddings, this rule does have the potential to break down somewhat if it's a shower thrown by coworkers. In that case, I think it is reasonable to make an exception. However, I don't think coworkers should feel obligated to attend any shower, and I also think that if they choose to go, they should not feel obligated to spend more than a very small amount on a token gift gesture.

Another wedding/wedding shower question. Some background first. I work at a large company, there are constant wedding/baby showers, retirement parties, etc. For the most part, people usually just chip in $5-$10 for a group gift, we all sign the card, go have some disgusting cake and get back to work.

This time though, a close co-worker is getting married. I was invited to the normal work wedding shower but was also invited to the wedding. It's a small wedding so very few work people were invited. My question is, my partner can't make it to the wedding, she gave me a plus 1. Is it rude to bring another co-worker that she's also friends with, but wasn't invited to the wedding?

FYI, he was totally cool with not making the guest list cut, we all know how expensive these things are. When I told her my partner couldn't come, she actually suggested that I bring this other co-worker. I guess i just answered my own question. It is cool to bring him, but my followup question is, how do I handle the gift?

I participated in the normal group gift for the work shower, I also gave her a separate work shower gift signed from my partner and I. For the wedding gift, my plus 1 asked if we could go in on a gift together. Since he's going as my plus one, I wouldn't normally expect him to buy a gift, but since he's friends with her, should I just add his name to the card and tell him not to worry about splitting the cost?

[OnlyNonStranger]

If he asked to go in on a gift then he should pay for some of it.

[ThatGirl]

If he asked to go in on a gift then he should pay for some of it.

I agree - he should chip in if he asked to be part of the gift, regardless of the circumstances under which he is attending.

[Courtney]

Another wedding/wedding shower question. Some background first. I work at a large company, there are constant wedding/baby showers, retirement parties, etc. For the most part, people usually just chip in $5-$10 for a group gift, we all sign the card, go have some disgusting cake and get back to work.

This time though, a close co-worker is getting married. I was invited to the normal work wedding shower but was also invited to the wedding. It's a small wedding so very few work people were invited. My question is, my partner can't make it to the wedding, she gave me a plus 1. Is it rude to bring another co-worker that she's also friends with, but wasn't invited to the wedding?

FYI, he was totally cool with not making the guest list cut, we all know how expensive these things are. When I told her my partner couldn't come, she actually suggested that I bring this other co-worker. I guess i just answered my own question. It is cool to bring him, but my followup question is, how do I handle the gift?

I participated in the normal group gift for the work shower, I also gave her a separate work shower gift signed from my partner and I. For the wedding gift, my plus 1 asked if we could go in on a gift together. Since he's going as my plus one, I wouldn't normally expect him to buy a gift, but since he's friends with her, should I just add his name to the card and tell him not to worry about splitting the cost?

I'm posting from my phone so forgive the inevitable typos.

1. Yes, you answered your question and it's absolutely fine to bring your coworker if the bride suggested it.

2. Traditiinally, a +1 would not be expected to chip in on a gift -- it would be the responsibilty of the primary invitee to give a gift large enough for both. However, your circumstances are unique and I think it is reasonable to accept your co-worker's offer to split the gift. Just make sure you are able to decide together on the specific gift before purchasing, so you are both on the same page about item choice and cost. If you foresee that being on the same page might be difficult, you could suggest that you are happy to buy a gift from both of you, but your coworker is welcome to deline the offer and purchase his own separately if he prefers. In any case, this is an extremely non-traditional situation (Emily Post never wrote about bringing a coworker to a social situation because your partner is not available!) so I think the key is jyst to come to a decision that makes everyone comfortable and does justice to the fundamental underlying sentiments iof the situation -- that you are there for and happy to be celebrating the nuptials of a dear friend.

[JorgeC]

Thanks for the advice everyone. Yeah, if my partner couldn't go with me i would normally go alone, especially since I already know a number of other people at the wedding, it's not like i needed to bring someone so I won't be lonely. But in this special circumstance, she suggested I bring him cuz he's basically with me all the time anyway and they are also friends so it all works out for the best, we'll get to share her special day. Gift wise we reviewed her wedding registry and are going to split a gift we mutually decided on.

[SoulDischarge]

I house/dog sat for a friend a few weeks ago and one of their dogs chewed through my phone charger. My phone has been off for a few weeks because I'm broke, but it's getting turned back on tomorrow. We're still pretty broke though and every expense hurts. Is asking them to replace my charger in good taste?

[suprefan]

Ask them to replace the charger. If they have pets that are destructive, maybe they shouldve had the thought to let you know so you could keep an eye out for anything you had out and they could destroy?

[Drinkey McDrinkerstein]

I think it's fine to let them know the dogs ate it and ask them to compensate you. Like Chris said, you should have been told to be extra vigilant about stuff like that.

[menikmati]

I house/dog sat for a friend a few weeks ago and one of their dogs chewed through my phone charger. My phone has been off for a few weeks because I'm broke, but it's getting turned back on tomorrow. We're still pretty broke though and every expense hurts. Is asking them to replace my charger in good taste?

If this would have been like a few minutes after they got back home, maybe...but a few weeks later? Let it go man.

[Mugwog]

If this would have been like a few minutes after they got back home, maybe...but a few weeks later? Let it go man.

This.

If you live in a large city, you should be able to find a charger for your phone for $5 at most whole sale district phone stores. A few weeks later is in completely bad taste. This coming from a gentlemen you encourage to have a warning sign on.

[SoulDischarge]

Well. I told them about it when they got home from vacation and they didn't really offer to do anything about it. And I haven't seen them since because my phone has been off and for whatever reason, my friend's number doesn't work on my house phone. We're just really damned poor and going to find one is going to be a pain in the ass too because our car is broken down. I probably will let it go because I hate asking people for stuff though.

[locachica73]

I would ask around, you would be surprised by how many people have extra chargers laying around. We have an entire drawer full of them here at work.

[Originalbob]

I remember when my next younger sister was born, my mother held a baby shower. Her main excuse for having a baby shower is that it has been 5 years since me (also first born child for my dad--not biological). If she did have baby items left over, they needed upgrading anyways. I know the rule of baby showers is that you get one for your first--I feel very strongly about this, especially in the breeding grounds of fertile Utah. After how many years is it appropriate to have another baby shower for the same woman?

[Mugwog]

She can have as many showers as she wants to. New friends are made over time so there are many resources to tap for baby shower gifting.

[Bud Luster]

for whatever reason, my friend's number doesn't work on my house phone. We're just really damned poor and going to find one is going to be a pain in the ass too because our car is broken down. I probably will let it go because I hate asking people for stuff though.

Woe is me. So many excuses for bullshit.

[locachica73]

I have run into a bit of a problem with my new roommate situation. The roommate has a dog and a cat, I love the dog, and the cat pretty much leaves me alone. Except, when I am not there the cat hides in my bed. I was going to try to just be cool with it since it was her room first, but now my allergies are bothering me quite a bit and I have cat hair all over my clothes, which is why I hate cats. I was just going to try to keep my bedroom door closed, but I am not sure if I should also mention something to the owner, I don't want to offend him or his cat by evicting her from her room. I am not a pet person, is this going to offend him?

[JorgeC]

Honesty is usually the best policy, just depends on how you approach it. Is her cat the queen of the house and can do no wrong? Then you may have a problem.

Does your roommate have cat hair all over her stuff too? How does she handle it? If she is whatever about the cat hair, then i would probably not mention it to her and just keep the door closed. Reason I say that is if she doesn't think it's a big deal, she may think you're "overreacting" by not wanting her cat all over your stuff. If she does a good job at cleaning up cat hair from the rest of the house, then it shouldn't be a big deal that you're just preemptively closing the door so you don't have to deal with cat hair.

On top of that, if she does know that you have allergies, then just mention that you're going to keep the door closed because of the cat hair. She should understand. Just don't let it build up and then have a fight over the cat, nip it in the bud now.

[locachica73]

My roommate is a he, I will bring it up and hope he isn't bothered by it. I honestly didn't think it would be a problem, I have had cats in the past and it not really bothered me, but I don't typically let pets on beds.

[TomAz]

I don't typically let pets on beds.

YOU OGRE

[guedita]

He shouldn't be bothered by it, loca, you have cat allergies. Closing your room door when you aren't there shouldn't be a problem at all. The cat can deal.

[JorgeC]

My roommate is a he, I will bring it up and hope he isn't bothered by it. I honestly didn't think it would be a problem, I have had cats in the past and it not really bothered me, but I don't typically let pets on beds.

Oh, all my previous advice was based on your roommate being a girl (y'all is crazy). If you're rooming with a guy, shut your door and tell him to shove his cat hair up his ass. He'll probably just laugh and you guys can move on.

[locachica73]

OK, I will stop stressing about it. I just want as little drama as possible (which is why I moved in with a guy), but I know cat owners can sometimes feel that their cats are more important than people.

[amyzzz]

Yeah just close your door. It's too late to say this, but as a person with cat allergies, I would not live in a house with a cat.

[locachica73]

I have never really suffered with cat allergies really, except when I went to someone's house that had multiple indoor cats. I think it's just because the cat slept in the bed, once I wash the bedding and start shutting the door, I think I will be fine.

[chairmenmeow47]

you can get aller-tec (generic for zyrtec) at costco for like $15-$20 for an entire year's supplies. maybe that will help too