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Thread: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

  1. #1
    MENACING Courtney's Avatar
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    Default Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    This is the definitive thread for advice and tips on how to behave with good manners and social graces in any situation.

    Want to know what to bring when your pot-smoking mother-in-law invites you to your first shared Thanksgiving? Confused on what sort of Christmas gift to give your boss that says both "I am a thoughtful and competent employee" and "give me a raise already you asshole"? Unsure of how best to phrase letters of correspondence to the soccer mom mafia who steal the only handicapped parking space at your child's school? Wondering how best to inform your FWB that although you would love to spend the night, you are currently bleeding uterine lining? Look no further.

    No question is too serious or too frivolous.

  2. #2
    Pedley Rocks JustSteve's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    haha, which one is alluding to me? hmm.

  3. #3
    Coachella Junkie stinkbutt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    Push in your fucking chair after you're done eating, maybe this belongs in the pet peeves thread
    Quote Originally Posted by roboto View Post
    And stinkbutt leaving a motorhead set when you know he's dying just to talk shit ? Your a shitty person as well .please let mja give you an anal love disease .

  4. #4
    Coachella Junkie Drinkey McDrinkerstein's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    I also hate the fuck out of people who chew with their mouths open and throw half-full cups of liquid in a garbage can
    last.fm
    6/15/14 Failure - Glasshouse // 7/9/14 Cloud Nothings/Metz - Roxy
    7/16/14 Planes Mistaken For Stars - Echo // 8/23-24/14 FYF Fest - Expo Park //8/25/14 Nine Inch Nails - Hollywood Bowl // 9/12-14/14 Riotfest - Humboldt Park, Chicago, IL
    9/18/14 Neutral Milk Hotel - Hollywood Bowl

  5. #5
    Chest Rockwell Gribbz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    Don't answer your phone while we're eating.

    Boris - 7/29 - The Mohawk
    NIN/Soundgarden/ - 8/14 - Austin 360
    Woods - 8/20 - Holy Mountain
    Jamie xx - 8/27 - The Mohawk
    Little Dragon - 8/31 - Moody Theater
    Ty Segall - 9/5 - The Mohawk
    Seth Troxler - 9/5 - Vulcan Gas Company
    Black Lips/King Khan & BBQ Show - 9/12 - J. Lorraine Ghost Town

  6. #6
    Coachella Junkie Drinkey McDrinkerstein's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    ...unless you're finally getting the response from your coke dealer who takes forever to get back to you.
    last.fm
    6/15/14 Failure - Glasshouse // 7/9/14 Cloud Nothings/Metz - Roxy
    7/16/14 Planes Mistaken For Stars - Echo // 8/23-24/14 FYF Fest - Expo Park //8/25/14 Nine Inch Nails - Hollywood Bowl // 9/12-14/14 Riotfest - Humboldt Park, Chicago, IL
    9/18/14 Neutral Milk Hotel - Hollywood Bowl

  7. #7
    Coachella Junkie stinkbutt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    Also, what is proper etiquette for telling your sister she is a bitchy control freak at Thanksgiving?
    Quote Originally Posted by roboto View Post
    And stinkbutt leaving a motorhead set when you know he's dying just to talk shit ? Your a shitty person as well .please let mja give you an anal love disease .

  8. #8
    Chest Rockwell Gribbz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    Just make sure everyone is lit.

    Boris - 7/29 - The Mohawk
    NIN/Soundgarden/ - 8/14 - Austin 360
    Woods - 8/20 - Holy Mountain
    Jamie xx - 8/27 - The Mohawk
    Little Dragon - 8/31 - Moody Theater
    Ty Segall - 9/5 - The Mohawk
    Seth Troxler - 9/5 - Vulcan Gas Company
    Black Lips/King Khan & BBQ Show - 9/12 - J. Lorraine Ghost Town

  9. #9
    Coachella Junkie Drinkey McDrinkerstein's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    Quote Originally Posted by stinkbutt View Post
    Also, what is proper etiquette for telling your sister she is a bitchy control freak at Thanksgiving?
    Just spit a mouthful of food onto her face.
    last.fm
    6/15/14 Failure - Glasshouse // 7/9/14 Cloud Nothings/Metz - Roxy
    7/16/14 Planes Mistaken For Stars - Echo // 8/23-24/14 FYF Fest - Expo Park //8/25/14 Nine Inch Nails - Hollywood Bowl // 9/12-14/14 Riotfest - Humboldt Park, Chicago, IL
    9/18/14 Neutral Milk Hotel - Hollywood Bowl

  10. #10
    old school Goatchella's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    Dear Court Rocker,
    I got hit up by an old friend. She text me over the weekend. She wants to hang out. My girlfriend has been jealous of her for a long time. She always calls me out on having a thing for this friend. I asked my gf what she thought about me hanging out with her and she said she trusts me and I can do whatever I want. She says she wont care.

    my Q: Is this a trick ? Is this like my gf asking me if she looks fat in an article of clothing?
    How would a gentleman handle this.

    If my gf didn't want me to hang out with her, how would I tell the other woman?
    You wanna fook on me?!

  11. #11
    old school NachoCat's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    Define: "hangout"

  12. #12
    Coachella Junkie stinkbutt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    Tell that donkey to get used to it. You're your own man living by your own rules and she's gonna have to live with it or without you. Then take them both to the titty bar
    Quote Originally Posted by roboto View Post
    And stinkbutt leaving a motorhead set when you know he's dying just to talk shit ? Your a shitty person as well .please let mja give you an anal love disease .

  13. #13
    old school Goatchella's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    i can do whatever i want...but Im pretty sure this chick wants some. I miss her and I wanna kick it but I will for sure end up doing the wrong thing.

    all I needed was that question I guess....define hanging out.
    Im pretty straight forward so Ill prob end up telling her I dont want to fuck things up. We werent best friends or anything.
    You wanna fook on me?!

  14. #14
    Coachella Junkie PlayaDelWes's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    All the etiquette advice that starts with "Don't _______" or "People who _______" kinda sounds like this other thread
    Quote Originally Posted by dj12inches View Post
    What makes me qualified? I've watched EVERY fucking episode of American Idol, and every single episode of The Voice...Forget that I won departmental music awards when I was in the 8th grade choir.

  15. #15
    old school Goatchella's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    thanks Courtney
    You wanna fook on me?!

  16. #16
    Coachella Junkie Drinkey McDrinkerstein's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    Quote Originally Posted by PlayaDelWes View Post
    All the etiquette advice that starts with "Don't _______" or "People who _______" kinda sounds like this other thread
    SHUT UP
    last.fm
    6/15/14 Failure - Glasshouse // 7/9/14 Cloud Nothings/Metz - Roxy
    7/16/14 Planes Mistaken For Stars - Echo // 8/23-24/14 FYF Fest - Expo Park //8/25/14 Nine Inch Nails - Hollywood Bowl // 9/12-14/14 Riotfest - Humboldt Park, Chicago, IL
    9/18/14 Neutral Milk Hotel - Hollywood Bowl

  17. #17

    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    Cellphone Etiquette - nobody haz it.

  18. #18
    Coachella Junkie Drinkey McDrinkerstein's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    What is the best way to deal with a no reason boner when you're at Thanksgiving dinner?
    last.fm
    6/15/14 Failure - Glasshouse // 7/9/14 Cloud Nothings/Metz - Roxy
    7/16/14 Planes Mistaken For Stars - Echo // 8/23-24/14 FYF Fest - Expo Park //8/25/14 Nine Inch Nails - Hollywood Bowl // 9/12-14/14 Riotfest - Humboldt Park, Chicago, IL
    9/18/14 Neutral Milk Hotel - Hollywood Bowl

  19. #19
    Chest Rockwell Gribbz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    Quote Originally Posted by Drinkey McDrinkerstein View Post
    What is the best way to deal with a no reason boner when you're at Thanksgiving dinner?
    Just put an extra napkin on your lap.
    EDIT* Or tuck your boner under the table.
    Last edited by Gribbz; 11-22-2011 at 07:25 PM.

    Boris - 7/29 - The Mohawk
    NIN/Soundgarden/ - 8/14 - Austin 360
    Woods - 8/20 - Holy Mountain
    Jamie xx - 8/27 - The Mohawk
    Little Dragon - 8/31 - Moody Theater
    Ty Segall - 9/5 - The Mohawk
    Seth Troxler - 9/5 - Vulcan Gas Company
    Black Lips/King Khan & BBQ Show - 9/12 - J. Lorraine Ghost Town

  20. #20
    Coachella Junkie stinkbutt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    Rub one out in the potatoes
    Quote Originally Posted by roboto View Post
    And stinkbutt leaving a motorhead set when you know he's dying just to talk shit ? Your a shitty person as well .please let mja give you an anal love disease .

  21. #21
    Coachella Junkie Drinkey McDrinkerstein's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    This thread is incredibly successful so far.
    last.fm
    6/15/14 Failure - Glasshouse // 7/9/14 Cloud Nothings/Metz - Roxy
    7/16/14 Planes Mistaken For Stars - Echo // 8/23-24/14 FYF Fest - Expo Park //8/25/14 Nine Inch Nails - Hollywood Bowl // 9/12-14/14 Riotfest - Humboldt Park, Chicago, IL
    9/18/14 Neutral Milk Hotel - Hollywood Bowl

  22. #22
    Coachella Junkie PlayaDelWes's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    Quote Originally Posted by Drinkey McDrinkerstein View Post
    SHUT UP
    Mannerisms to be carefully avoided by all..
    Whispering or pointing in company.
    Omitting to pay proper attention to company when entering or exiting a room.
    Giving attention to only one person when more are present.
    Contradicting parents, friends or strangers.
    Laughing loudly.
    Making noise with hands or feet.
    Swinging arms or making awkward gestures in company or in the street.
    Actions that have the most remote tendency to indelicacy.
    Leaning on the shoulder, or chair of another person.
    Throwing things rather than handing them.
    Crowding or bumping elbows.
    Contempt in looks, words or actions.
    Lolling on a chair.
    Looking earnestly in the face without any apparent cause.
    Surliness of any kind (distortion of countenance, and mimicry
    Ridicule of every kind.
    A constant smile or settled frown.
    Lending a borrowed book.
    Dressing in a bright and loud manner that attracts attention.
    Reading when there is company.
    Reading when others are talking.
    Reading aloud without being asked.
    Laughing at the mistakes of others.
    Speaking or acting in anger.
    To neglect little things if they can affect the comfort of others.
    Quote Originally Posted by dj12inches View Post
    What makes me qualified? I've watched EVERY fucking episode of American Idol, and every single episode of The Voice...Forget that I won departmental music awards when I was in the 8th grade choir.

  23. #23
    Coachella Junkie stinkbutt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    I think boasting about luxury and wealth is definitely improper etiquette
    Quote Originally Posted by roboto View Post
    And stinkbutt leaving a motorhead set when you know he's dying just to talk shit ? Your a shitty person as well .please let mja give you an anal love disease .

  24. #24
    Coachella Junkie chairmenmeow47's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    what's the best way to politely force every member of your family to play beatles rock band with you while you're stuck up north?
    Quote Originally Posted by malcolmjamalawesome View Post
    It's when we discuss Coachella that we are at our collective dipshittiest.

  25. #25
    MENACING Courtney's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    Quote Originally Posted by Goatchella View Post
    Dear Court Rocker,
    I got hit up by an old friend. She text me over the weekend. She wants to hang out. My girlfriend has been jealous of her for a long time. She always calls me out on having a thing for this friend. I asked my gf what she thought about me hanging out with her and she said she trusts me and I can do whatever I want. She says she wont care.

    my Q: Is this a trick ? Is this like my gf asking me if she looks fat in an article of clothing?
    How would a gentleman handle this.

    If my gf didn't want me to hang out with her, how would I tell the other woman?
    Goatchella, well done on having the perception to realize that this is a tricky situation that calls for extreme care.

    In an ideal world, your relationship would be strong enough and your girlfriend would be cool enough that this would be a non-issue. However, given what you have said, it's difficult to tell if your girlfriend is really ok with the situation, or if she is simply pretending to be ok with it because she doesn't want to appear to be a paranoid clinger.

    Luckily, there is a simple solution to this problem: find an activity that would be fun for everyone, and invite them both to come along. If your girlfriend really IS ok with you hanging out with the friend, she will probably just decline the invitation and no harm will be done. However, if your girlfriend is feeling threatened, the invitation will hopefully give her some peace of mind in knowing that she has the freedom to monitor the situation if she really feels it to be necessary. Invite a couple additional people along and make it a group activity if your girlfriend does decide she wants to come along, to avoid it being too awkward.

    Whatever the outcome, make sure that you are regularly telling and also showing your girlfriend that she is loved and appreciated. It's a lot easier for someone to feel threatened and jealous when that person is already feeling neglected in a relationship. By giving your girlfriend positive affirmation in the strength of your relationship, she will be more likely to be completely secure with whatever you choose to do outside of the relationship.

  26. #26
    MENACING Courtney's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    However, I just read the follow up post:

    Quote Originally Posted by Goatchella View Post
    i can do whatever i want...but Im pretty sure this chick wants some. I miss her and I wanna kick it but I will for sure end up doing the wrong thing.

    all I needed was that question I guess....define hanging out.
    Im pretty straight forward so Ill prob end up telling her I dont want to fuck things up. We werent best friends or anything.
    It sounds like you already know the right thing to do: decline the invitation from the chick. However, there is no need to go into the details of your relationship with your girlfriend. A polite "no thank you" is more than enough.

  27. #27
    Coachella Junkie Neighborhood Creep's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    Will someone post a nudie in here to make this thread worth while
    Quote Originally Posted by theklein25 View Post
    When Foster the People played Pumped Up Kicks I freaked the fuck out because I thought that song was long gone

  28. #28
    MENACING Courtney's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    Quote Originally Posted by Drinkey McDrinkerstein View Post
    What is the best way to deal with a no reason boner when you're at Thanksgiving dinner?
    If you are seated in a way that the boner is not visible to any of the other guests, there is no reason to do anything. Simply carry on in polite conversation with Aunt Mildred about her petunia garden until the erection subsides.

    If you find yourself in the unfortunate position of being seated at a glass table, or perhaps at a more informal gathering where plates are held in laps while seated on a couch, find the nearest napkin/sweater/whatever to disguise the bulge and apologetically excuse yourself from conversation to make your way swiftly to the nearest bathroom while avoiding further eye contact. And, if I happen to be your girlfriend at the time, by all means pull me along with you to that bathroom.

  29. #29
    MENACING Courtney's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    Quote Originally Posted by chairmenmeow47 View Post
    what's the best way to politely force every member of your family to play beatles rock band with you while you're stuck up north?
    I believe the conversation goes something like this:

    Ivy: Hi, Uncle Daren.
    UD: Hello dear. How are you feeling?
    Ivy: Oh, you know, I have had debilitating pain in my uterus for a while now, and it is really acting up today. I almost stayed in Phoenix because it was so bad, but I REALLY wanted to see you and Aunt Pat, and so even though I know it would be painful, I'm so glad I'm here to spend the holiday with you. It's great to see you, and time with family is so precious. I wouldn't miss it, even though I am in tremendous pain.
    UD: I'm sorry to hear that Ivy! We are so glad you are here, but it's so horrible that you are in so much pain. Is there anything we can do to help?
    Ivy: Why yes, actually. There is!

  30. #30
    Coachella Junkie algunz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

    Just take some fucking good bread, and stop whining.

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