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Thread: The Sex thread

  1. #2311
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    Default Re: The Sex thread


  2. #2312
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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    Color me disappointed. sigh.
    Quote Originally Posted by concertgoer View Post
    You better stop because he can shut down this message board with one call.

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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    Will you accept a painting?

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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    Sure, marooko, sure.
    Quote Originally Posted by concertgoer View Post
    You better stop because he can shut down this message board with one call.

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    Default Re: The Sex thread



    Print this page • Back to Web version of article

    Promiscuous Gay Nerd: What Makes Sex Good?
    By Jake Sobo
    October 28, 2013
    Last year during a visit to San Francisco over New Year's, I witnessed something truly remarkable. My friend gathered a handful of gays together, poured some freshly brewed tea, and gave an hour-long PowerPoint presentation about the sex he had during the previous 12 months. I've seen a lot when it comes to sex. But I'd never before witnessed such a public display of sexual reflexivity. We went through the highlights. We ruminated about what made for a good sexual encounter, and why some were lackluster. It was an educational exercise in perversion that was, truly, exhilarating.
    I left his apartment, came back to my friend's apartment where I was staying, and opened Microsoft Excel. I saved a blank workbook titled "Tricks.xls." (Nerd alert!) This column is the product of tracking the sex that I've been having for the past ten months. People have for years asked me questions about my sex life -- How much? How often? How good? -- and I really had no way to answer most of them with any precision. I estimate that, in my lifetime, I've had sex of some kind with somewhere between 500 and 2,000 guys. That's a pretty huge range. I wouldn't be surprised if it were at the high or low end of it because I simply don't keep track.
    It turns out there are benefits to keeping track. When I began this experiment, it was largely out of a desire to know more. I was curious. What makes me tick? I knew the basics, obviously: I generally prefer to get fucked. I like guys with big dicks. And because I live in a college town, I tend to wind up fucking guys a few years younger than me. But what exactly made for good sex? Are there qualities associated with good encounters that I could home in on and better seek out in future partners? And conversely, are there qualities I should steer clear of?
    The answer is a resounding yes, and quite frankly, analyzing the data stunned me. But before I get into the analysis, I need to make one thing clear: This is a project about my sex life. What turns me on. What gets me off. It isn't about your sex life -- though I'd love for you to write a comparative analysis. If you created a sex diary, you'd value different things. On a spreadsheet, you'd create different columns. You'd even be likely to have had very different encounters with the exact same guys I reference. This exercise isn't about creating a universal theory of good sex, or suggesting that everyone follow my lead. It's about trying to start a dialogue on what makes sex great.
    Because let's face it, for a lot of gay men and plenty of others, sex is a core part of our lives. Shouldn't we be having the best sex possible? And given the 21st-century tools at our disposal -- PrEP, treatment as prevention, seroadaptation, and condoms -- there are now more ways than ever to keep ourselves and our partners healthy while we're at it.
    Without further ado, I present to you my spreadsheet. It's a Google doc. Go on, click on it. Take a look. Absorb all the work I've put into it the past ten months.
    Let me go over a few basic things. First, I've changed all the names. Matthew isn't really named Matthew, but he is 34 years old according to his profile. I've also anonymized the city names. Entries are ordered by date, but each partner is assigned a unique number. Repeats are numbered as 14.1, 14.2, etc., and colored green. Guys with ratings of 9 or higher are colored red. Overnights are colored purple. And that one orange bar represents an "STI event" -- the time I got syphilis in March. Boo.
    For each encounter, I record the venue through which I met the guy and the city in which I met him; his age, dick size, race, and HIV-status; whether we had oral or anal sex, or, because I'm a fan, whether there was rimming involved; whether we used condoms and whether that was pre-arranged or not; whether we used any drugs or intoxicating substances, including alcohol; and the number of orgasms we each had. Then I assign each encounter a subjective score from 1 to 10 (1 being the worst sex ever; 10 being the best sex ever). I also add a series of comments that have proven the most interesting for me to look back on in this analysis.


    Sex by the Numbers

    Let's start with the easy stuff: the numbers. Are certain factors associated with higher overall scores? This isn't a statistical analysis, by any means. But with 50 encounters with 43 unique partners, I figure there is some kernel of truth in the numbers. At the bottom of the spreadsheet, you'll see I've divvied up the average quality scores by a variety of factors. Of course, some have too few people in them to be meaningful (e.g., the city comparison and some of the race categories). Other categories line up exactly where I expect them to be (e.g., dick size).
    But let's check out condoms. I expected higher scores to be associated with sex without condoms. I just intuitively figured that this would be the case. I don't like condoms; they can lead to chafing and painful sex. And god knows how many guys lose their erections repeatedly with them, which is an unending frustration for a bottom in need. All these reasons informed my choice to start using PrEP almost exactly a year ago. While I only used condoms four times over the past nine months, at the very least this didn't necessitate having a horrible time. In fact, the average score for sex with condoms was a bit higher than the average for sex without them. Indeed, I gave a score of 9 or higher to two of the four encounters that involved condoms. While I recognize that this subjective scoring is confounded by god knows how many unnamed factors, this still surprised me.
    That said, what does seem to make a difference (albeit a slight one) is whether or not that condom use was planned. I quickly got the sense this year that planning sex without condoms requires breaking a code of silence that makes many gay men uncomfortable. I think part of what makes condomless sex hot is its reputation as a passionate, "in the moment" practice that people associate with less personal responsibility. In many guys' minds, fucking without condoms with a hot guy in the heat of the moment is sexy, whereas planning ahead of time to fuck without condoms is gross and reckless. I think this is reflected in the data: I rated the sex I had without planning ahead to use or not use condoms higher than when we agreed to use or not use condoms ahead of time. Of course, this pattern is largely made possible by PrEP. With PrEP at my side, I feel comfortable leaving the decision to use condoms in my partner's hands.
    Let's also take a look at drugs and substance use. As you'll see from the spreadsheet, I'm a fan of poppers. I understand they're not for everyone, and there are important things health-wise that you'll want to pay attention to if you use them (e.g., dangerous interactions with erectile dysfunction meds). That disclaimer aside, although they appear fairly frequently in the "Drugs/Etc." column as you can clearly see, popper use is not necessarily associated with better sex for me. In fact, I suspect that poppers get a bum rap here because I sometimes use them as a crutch for bad sex. Lesson learned: For me, poppers can make great sex even more amazing, but they can't make bad sex better.
    The figures for alcohol were even more surprising for me. I don't tend to think of myself as a fan of drunk sex. In fact, I regularly disparage the idea. But the numbers seem to tell a different story. What's going on here? Well, I'll get to this more in the next section, but many of these encounters involved guys I met up with for a drink before we had sex. In many cases, this time together socializing helped develop a chemistry that translated into better sex. Alcohol plays a role here in helping us cozy up to each other, but it's also just a product of spending time together socializing before fucking.
    The More Complicated Stuff: Sex and Intimacy

    All this talk about socializing leads me to the more complicated stuff -- the comments section! Beyond just sheer numbers, how is good sex described? Experienced? What do I complain about after bad sex? The consistency truly shocked me. I describe bad sex as "mechanical" and "disconnected." My brief synopsis of my encounter with Matthew (#1), is a perfect example. "Very hot guy -- but not into kissing. Disconnected sex. Disappointing." Matthew was fucking gorgeous. I mean, this man could have been a model. Sculpted body. Cheekbones for days. But damned if he wasn't about as interesting as a chemistry lecture in bed.
    Bad kissing is definitely a theme in the bad encounters. Take a look at Nolberto (#5): "Bad kisser ... Nice guy, but terrible in bed. I couldn't even get hard. He tried to fuck me, failed. He jerked off and came. I didn't cum." I've always known kissing is important to me for sex. I just about can't get off without making out. But that becomes beautifully (and amusingly) crystalized in these reviews.
    But what does this tell me? Well, there's a big fat theme here for me. A lesson I wasn't prepared to learn. While bad sex for me is "disconnected," good sex is "intimate," "passionate," and oftentimes involves sleepovers and morning sex. Let's take a look at Jacob (#16), which was probably one of the most powerful sexual experiences I've ever had:
    Jacob, oh Jacob. Hallowed be thy name. The best sex I've had in years -- and certainly the first sleepover in years. Probably since my ex. He is so cute, sexy, smart, and an AMAZING lover. Charming. Has a partner. Called an Uber car to take me to his place around 1:30 AM. We fucked for hours. Woke up, fucked again. He came twice inside me at night, then again the next morning. He had a pet tarantula lol. First poz guy to ever cum inside me. I knew immediately he was the one to break that threshold.
    There is a lot going on here. Jacob was the first guy I knew was HIV positive to cum inside me. This gave the experience a particular meaning to me. I wrote about struggling with this decision last year, before this experience, when I was still asking undetectable poz guys to pull out. (I won't rehash the science here: The risk of transmission from an undetectable poz top and a neg bottom on PrEP is exceedingly low). As I was getting out of the shower before I left to meet Jacob, my heart was racing. I was nervous in part because Jacob was blazing hot, but also because in my gut I knew I wasn't going to ask him to pull out. In the moment, I felt somehow that I was more connected to him. That I was giving him my trust. I know that I do this any time I have sex, but the emotional experience was acutely heightened with Jacob. Beyond HIV, you can see me describing Jacob as a person here. He owns a tarantula. He's charming. I compare him to my ex-boyfriend.

    When I read these and other notes from my best sex this year, the truth just punched me in the gut like a bag of oranges in a mob movie. I'm looking for intimacy. Connection. Guys I can trust and have a conversation with. I'm sure many readers are beyond unimpressed at this realization, but these are the kinds of things you're not allowed to say you're looking for when you're looking for sex on gay hookup websites. You're supposed to be looking for big dicks. To get your ass pounded. To get fucked in half, goddammit!
    Masculinity is written all over these discourses of gay sex, and yet they completely fail to account for what makes sex great in my life. I imagine this might not be true for other guys, but for me, what I'm looking for is painfully clear. While a big dick is a treasure -- don't get me wrong -- it's that intimate connection that truly takes sex from sport to religious experience. It's almost impossible to describe when it happens, and when it does it can knock you completely off-kilter. I remember one of the first times it ever really happened for me, with a one-night fling a few years back. We had this crazy, intense, and immediate attraction and connection. Somewhere in the fury of the night, he stopped and slowly worked his way down my body, kissing every inch of skin he found. Seemingly out of nowhere, I started crying. It's not just the action, but the careful, attentive, and caring way he did it. While perhaps not in the sense that most people use the word, it was an act of love. In that moment, I felt loved.
    If I've learned anything in this ongoing experiment, it's that I need to pay better attention to myself. To what I need and want. Because I thought I knew why I loved sex so much. It turns out that I was hiding something from myself -- keeping myself from acknowledging an uncomfortable truth. Sex can be instrumental, yes, and instrumental sex can be fulfilling in certain ways. But for me, great sex is more than just instrumental. It is a connection between two people that is emotionally charged, vulnerable, and potentially transformative.
    What about you? What makes for great sex in your life? As always, leave a comment or send me an email at mylifeonprep@gmail.com.
    Jake Sobo is a pen name used for anonymity. Jake has worked in the world of HIV prevention for nearly a decade. He previously published a 19-part series documenting his experiences on pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), "My Life on PrEP," for Positive Frontiers magazine, which was picked up by Manhunt, translated into French, and widely read in the HIV prevention world. He has spent the better part of his adult life having as much sex as possible while trying to avoid contracting HIV.



    Its like the Infinite Monkey Theorem, if you put X amount of monkeys in a room with a typewriter and ask them to give you Shakespeare 99% of them will fling their shit at you while the other 1% will masturbate in the corner.

  6. #2316
    old school kvnty's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    Just be grateful we don't have wombs. My abortion count by now would be well into the double digits.
    Quote Originally Posted by mrhand View Post
    ... Keep fucking that chicken.
    Quote Originally Posted by fakekvnty View Post
    As awkward as the time I force-felched you?
    Quote Originally Posted by fakekvnty View Post
    All you ladybois want inside this pink slip

  7. #2317

    Default Re: The Sex thread

    Reading/hearing about Gay lifestyle is always like entering an alternate universe. I know there are women who probably do the exact same thing but I've never known one.
    Quote Originally Posted by bug on your lip View Post
    you ever get this uneasy feeling that everyone of us on this board is actually in Hell?

  8. #2318
    Old Gay Guy gaypalmsprings's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    Quote Originally Posted by kvnty View Post
    Just be grateful we don't have wombs. My abortion count by now would be well into the double digits.
    So many butt babies have been flushed down the toilet.
    Quote Originally Posted by SepaGroove View Post
    You shouldn't feel uncool for not going to EDC, you should feel uncool because you are uncool.

  9. #2319
    Old Gay Guy gaypalmsprings's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Starraven View Post
    Reading/hearing about Gay lifestyle is always like entering an alternate universe. I know there are women who probably do the exact same thing but I've never known one.
    Welcome to our universe. Let me take a closer look at Uranus.
    Quote Originally Posted by SepaGroove View Post
    You shouldn't feel uncool for not going to EDC, you should feel uncool because you are uncool.

  10. #2320
    Old Gay Guy gaypalmsprings's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    Quote Originally Posted by gaypalmsprings View Post
    Welcome to our universe. Let me take a closer look at Uranus.
    Oh, wait, are you male or female?
    Quote Originally Posted by SepaGroove View Post
    You shouldn't feel uncool for not going to EDC, you should feel uncool because you are uncool.

  11. #2321
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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    That was a neat read -- I've never really thought about folks using PrEP for casual hookups.

  12. #2322
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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    When I first started having sex, the condom was an expected part of the process for "casual" hook-ups. It seems a generation or two later we are moving away from it (even amongst the married - see the pull out conversation). I hope this does not foreshadow a regeneration of the unprotected.

  13. #2323
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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    Because that article is so indickative of every single gay man in the United States. Bar none. No exceptions.
    Quote Originally Posted by mrhand View Post
    ... Keep fucking that chicken.
    Quote Originally Posted by fakekvnty View Post
    As awkward as the time I force-felched you?
    Quote Originally Posted by fakekvnty View Post
    All you ladybois want inside this pink slip

  14. #2324

    Default Re: The Sex thread

    Quote Originally Posted by gaypalmsprings View Post
    Welcome to our universe. Let me take a closer look at Uranus.
    Quote Originally Posted by gaypalmsprings View Post
    Oh, wait, are you male or female?
    XY chromosomes here, friend.
    Quote Originally Posted by bug on your lip View Post
    you ever get this uneasy feeling that everyone of us on this board is actually in Hell?

  15. #2325
    Coachella Junkie SoulDischarge's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    I'm not saying gay sex is better, but certain things become a lot easier to pull off when everyone is the same gender.
    Quote Originally Posted by guedita View Post
    Thanks for giving us the opportunity to not give a fuck again.

  16. #2326
    Coachella Junkie Mugwog's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    Please go into detail about these things you've tried that have failed with a woman, but worked with well with a man

  17. #2327
    Coachella Junkie SoulDischarge's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    I've never been spitroasted by woman, for one.
    Quote Originally Posted by guedita View Post
    Thanks for giving us the opportunity to not give a fuck again.

  18. #2328
    Coachella Junkie algunz's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    You PIG!

  19. #2329
    zeezus amyzzz's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    My boyfriend made me love anal sex. It's almost better than vaginal except it seems like it takes a bit longer to heal from rough sex for anal than vaginal.

    (stay out of the thread if you can't handle it, capn)
    Quote Originally Posted by concertgoer View Post
    You better stop because he can shut down this message board with one call.

  20. #2330
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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    My boyfriend made me love anal sex. It's almost better than vaginal except it seems like it takes a bit longer to heal from rough sex for anal than vaginal.

    (stay out of the thread if you can't handle it, capn)
    I actually started making that Porpoise sound I make as I was reading your post, Amyzzz! "Eh-eh, eh=eh!" (That would be porpoise for, "Wrong hole, motherfucker.") I just can't get over how much you've blossomed in your sexuality...From a sensitive little Pansy to an Inflamed Rosebud... BTW, I can handle the convo, but the idea of you having to heal after any sex has me concerned... just sayin'...
    Its like the Infinite Monkey Theorem, if you put X amount of monkeys in a room with a typewriter and ask them to give you Shakespeare 99% of them will fling their shit at you while the other 1% will masturbate in the corner.

  21. #2331
    zeezus amyzzz's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    We've been going through a lot of lube.
    Quote Originally Posted by concertgoer View Post
    You better stop because he can shut down this message board with one call.

  22. #2332
    Daft Punky Junkie BROKENDOLL's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    Amyzzz, I just so happen to have this black vinyl ensemble that would probably be of more use to you than me. I guess it would be considered, "gently used" since I think I only tried it on... would you like me to send it to you? I'll even tuck a jar of axle grease in the Fed Ex box. Not sure of the exact size, but I'm sure you'll make it fit, right?
    Its like the Infinite Monkey Theorem, if you put X amount of monkeys in a room with a typewriter and ask them to give you Shakespeare 99% of them will fling their shit at you while the other 1% will masturbate in the corner.

  23. #2333
    zeezus amyzzz's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    I haven't really got into fetish wear.
    Quote Originally Posted by concertgoer View Post
    You better stop because he can shut down this message board with one call.

  24. #2334
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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    We've been going through a lot of lube.
    Well then, you're either in desperate need of an oil change, or you two are putting it in the wrong spot, because "having to heal" sounds rough. If it were me, I'd be demanding a thorough wiener check before sticking that thing anywhere, all willy-nilly.
    Its like the Infinite Monkey Theorem, if you put X amount of monkeys in a room with a typewriter and ask them to give you Shakespeare 99% of them will fling their shit at you while the other 1% will masturbate in the corner.

  25. #2335
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    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    I haven't really got into fetish wear.
    Pffft, it's really nothing comparable to having your ass ripped open, I suppose...
    Its like the Infinite Monkey Theorem, if you put X amount of monkeys in a room with a typewriter and ask them to give you Shakespeare 99% of them will fling their shit at you while the other 1% will masturbate in the corner.

  26. #2336
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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    So anal sex actually gives you physical enjoyment? I was always under the impression that was mostly a male thing due to the prostate, but I guess any kind of touch/penetration can be pleasurable under the right circumstances.
    Quote Originally Posted by guedita View Post
    Thanks for giving us the opportunity to not give a fuck again.

  27. #2337
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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    Quote Originally Posted by SoulDischarge View Post
    So anal sex actually gives you physical enjoyment? I was always under the impression that was mostly a male thing due to the prostate, but I guess any kind of touch/penetration can be pleasurable under the right circumstances.
    Some women will experience indirect g-spot stimulation through anal sex, but I'm sure the psychological component (the "illicitness" of the act) is also key.

  28. #2338
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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    There are a bunch of nerve endings around the opening. Sometimes it feels pleasurable to go to the bathroom. No reason why it can't feel good the other way around. Also psychologically like Courtney said, big-time. One has to prep the area with one finger, then two fingers, and lots of lube. You can't just put a dick in there without preparing. That's where guys went wrong with me before.
    Quote Originally Posted by concertgoer View Post
    You better stop because he can shut down this message board with one call.

  29. #2339
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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    There are a bunch of nerve endings around the opening. Sometimes it feels pleasurable to go to the bathroom. No reason why it can't feel good the other way around. Also psychologically like Courtney said, big-time. One has to prep the area with one finger, then two fingers, and lots of lube. You can't just put a dick in there without preparing. That's where guys went wrong with me before.
    Is this not fascinating???
    Its like the Infinite Monkey Theorem, if you put X amount of monkeys in a room with a typewriter and ask them to give you Shakespeare 99% of them will fling their shit at you while the other 1% will masturbate in the corner.

  30. #2340
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    Default Re: The Sex thread

    God, I'm just full of questions... Amyzzz, I need to know... Does any of this prep work you've been practicing make it any easier to deal with the assholes around here? And... When will we get your first lesson in strap-ons? I'm assuming that your BF receives the same anal pleasures...
    Its like the Infinite Monkey Theorem, if you put X amount of monkeys in a room with a typewriter and ask them to give you Shakespeare 99% of them will fling their shit at you while the other 1% will masturbate in the corner.

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