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Thread: Men's restroom etiquette

  1. #1
    Coachella Junkie GuyInTucson's Avatar
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    Default Men's restroom etiquette

    It seems to me that there are plenty of individuals that represent the male gender that do not understand the unwritten laws of the men's restroom. Failure to comply with such rules can result in awkwardness, irritation, and in some cases, the inability to physically go to the bathroom.

    If you are unfamiliar with these bylaws, let me go over them with you here.

    - If there are people already utilizing the urinals or stalls, always choose the urinal / stall that gives you the most "cushion" between the other people. ALWAYS observe the one-stall / urinal barrier rule whenever possible. There are few things in this world that are more annoying than when you have plenty of places to shit / piss and someone comes in and chooses the urinal / stall that is directly next to you.

    - Do not engage in full-length conversations. There is no need for you to discuss your recent business trip with the colleagues that were unable to go while I am trying to pinch one out 10 feet away. I am trying to drop a deuce and the story about your endeavors on said trip are annoying. I need peace when I poop.

    - Never, under any circumstances, talk to a man while he's pissing in the urinal.

    - Bicycle riders: sinks are not showers. If there isn't a shower where you work, stop riding your fucking bike in the heat.

    - Do not talk on your cell phone while you're taking a shit. Texting is one thing, but having an argument with your girlfriend so everyone can hear is bothersome enough; it's even worse when in the bathroom.

    - There is no need to drop your pants all the way down to your ankles when you piss. This normally happens with the morbidly obese guys, which just makes matters worse.

    - No grunting while you piss unless you have kidney stones.

    - Learn to shit IN the toilet. I have seen toilet seats with skid-marks ON them. I mean, how is this difficult?


    - This one I shouldn't have to say, because it's a universal law for men and women (not to mention, it's just plain sanitary), but please remember to wash your fucking hands. Too often I have witnessed someone leave a stall after taking a hefty growler and walk right out the door without going anywhere near the sink.

    If you can think of any others, feel free to add.


    Oh, and one more thing -

    If you read this in your head and hear any other voice than Ron Swanson, you're reading it incorrectly.
    fuck.

  2. #2
    Coachella Junkie PlayaDelWes's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    Never, under any circumstances, talk to a man while he's pissing in the urinal restroom.

    Agree on the rest, especially in regards to not lingering. In, do your thing, out.
    Last edited by PlayaDelWes; 06-10-2011 at 11:59 AM.
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  3. #3
    Member Grandma's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    act like a retard and piss in the hand washing trough to fuck with people

  4. #4
    Coachella Junkie locachica73's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    LOL, a guy I work with told me yesterday about how he was at a baseball game the other day and he took the only available urinal which was right next to this old guy. The old guy prematurely shook and pee flew up into my coworkers eye. So apparently there needs to be a rule against prematurely shaking.
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    Member wstsidela's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    I only have one bathroom issue: old men taking putrid dumps in public bathrooms. Airports are the worst.
    "Well, that's just like, you know... your opinion, man"

  6. #6
    Coachella Junkie PlayaDelWes's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    Oh, and this.


    Quote Originally Posted by dj12inches View Post
    What makes me qualified? I've watched EVERY fucking episode of American Idol, and every single episode of The Voice...Forget that I won departmental music awards when I was in the 8th grade choir.

  7. #7
    old school Somewhat Damaged's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    Where the hell are you shitting that you're finding skid marks on the toilet seat? I go at work because there are 3 different bathrooms & the one I make use of is relatively hidden and unused and usually pristine (and when it isn't, I hold it), preferring to avoid public defecation unless I'm stricken by an unstoppable force of nature or disagreeable Mexican food. The only times I've heard friends (who tend to be germaphobic obsessive-compulsives as well -- birds of a feather and all that) talk about finding someone missing the seat, though, is when they've traveled through foreign countries (the Philippines most specifically).

    The sales reps at my job tend to be the most foul bathroom-goers. I hear them conduct calls on the john, have seen them texting while standing at a urinal (in addition to continuing conversations there), and they are inordinately the type to leave the bathroom without either washing their hands or barely running their hands under water for a few seconds but not applying any soap. I can also tell the days when sales is in the building (they're usually out in the field) because those are the days that the floor of the bathroom is littered with spent paper towels. Guess when they bother to wash their hands, they can't bother to throw their refuse away properly.
    Quote Originally Posted by guedita View Post
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  8. #8
    Coachella Junkie GuyInTucson's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    Quote Originally Posted by locachica73 View Post
    LOL, a guy I work with told me yesterday about how he was at a baseball game the other day and he took the only available urinal which was right next to this old guy. The old guy prematurely shook and pee flew up into my coworkers eye. So apparently there needs to be a rule against prematurely shaking.
    There needs to be a public service announcement from Geroge Michael on this issue.

    fuck.

  9. #9
    Coachella Junkie HandBanana's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    H8 it when bros pee on my dick it's like "hay I am not trying to have a pee dick please"
    "All of you coachella 'regulars' have nasty boy pussies and itchy dick4's on your asses.
    Why don't you all make like a tree and get chopped down and die. You all have been dreadfully mean to me.
    I Hate you. All of you. None of you will ever get to see a womans chest meat or finger blast hott cougies like me.
    Fuck you all. Consider this my resignation.
    Fair the well, you elitest scumbags."

    Faxman75, who has clearly had enough

  10. #10
    Coachella Junkie BlackSwan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    I took a call from someone from Craigslist while taking a shit yesterday.
    .

  11. #11
    old school RageAgainstTheAoki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    Readers, please note that some of these rules do not apply to the men's bathrooms at UCLA or the Minneapolis airport.

  12. #12
    man-homie obzen's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    Quote Originally Posted by HandBanana View Post
    H8 it when bros pee on my dick it's like "hay I am not trying to have a pee dick please"
    Can someone sig this for the lulz?

  13. #13
    Coachella Junkie Drinkey McDrinkerstein's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    last.fm
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  14. #14
    Coachella Junkie faxman75's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    I would like to add puddles of piss in front of both urinals and in the stall are ridiculous. I especially don't get it in the stalls. How the fuck are you pissing on the god damn floor in front of the fucking toilet you disgusting slob?

    I've always been ok with talking while pissing to someone pissing next to me. Once you go in that stall and close the door though, it's STFU time. At work we only have two stalls and if someone is in the other stall, I turn up the volume on my music. I always have headphones on and they are really useful in situations where you don't want to hear grunting. In fact the only time I ever play Angry Birds is when i'm on the toilet. I finally passed level one today. I'm terrible at this game, it took me like a month.

    There is also interesting debates regarding whether when pissing at a urinal, you go through the barn door or pull the front of your underwears down and pee. Discuss...

  15. #15
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    Wasn't HandBanana funny at some point?

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    Member nine day brawl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    Regarding the cell phone: if a patron is on a call, I make it a point to flush multiple times so the person on the other end of that call knows damn well where they're at.
    Coachella - 4.10.15 - 4.12.15 - Empire Polo Grounds

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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    Quote Originally Posted by faxman75 View Post
    There is also interesting debates regarding whether when pissing at a urinal, you go through the barn door or pull the front of your underwears down and pee. Discuss...
    Also, there should be a rule about proper standing styles while at a urinal. At my old job, there would be a lot of bros who would stand with their hands behind their heads as they relieved themselves, relaxing as the urine flowed out. That's how runaway piss streams happen. Put a vice on the wood, fellas.

  18. #18
    man-homie obzen's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    That movie was both lulzy and informative.

  19. #19
    Member nine day brawl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    ^^heaven forbid a sneeze
    Coachella - 4.10.15 - 4.12.15 - Empire Polo Grounds

  20. #20
    old school NachoCat's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    How to Poop at Work
    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

    ESCAPEE
    Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
    Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH
    Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME
    Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
    Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
    Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS
    Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR
    Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH
    Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE
    Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

    WATERMELON
    Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA OMELET
    Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

    UNCLE TED
    Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

    FLY BY
    Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

  21. #21
    Coachella Junkie HunterGather's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    Sometimes if theres only 2 urinals and some stalls, i'll go into a stall if one urinal is in use. No one really likes a piss buddy. Especially when there are no barriers between the 2.

    And pooping at work is a no-no on so many levels. If you gotta go, you gotta go. But good riddance, train your body to time that shit at home.
    Quote Originally Posted by stinkbutt
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  22. #22
    zeezus amyzzz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    Such a classy thread.
    Quote Originally Posted by concertgoer View Post
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  23. #23
    Coachella Junkie GuyInTucson's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    Feel free to give us a women's bathroom etiquette post / thread, Amy.
    fuck.

  24. #24
    Coachella Junkie locachica73's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    When I first started working here we had this guy come in for an interview, when he first walked in he asked if he could use the restroom, he was in there forever, I can hear him flushing over and over again, he finally comes out and asks for a plunger. I would have wanted to crawl in a hole and die if I plugged up the bathroom at a job interview but he seemed fine with it. I found it and handed it over, the whole time trying not to laugh. I joked with my boyfriend that if he got hired I would always remember him as the guy who plugged the toilet.... We hired him. On his first day he plugged it again. Again he comes out and asks me for the plunger. WTF. So I find it for him in one of the other restrooms but made sure he followed me so he would know where all the restrooms were and where to look if this happened again. A couple of weeks later he comes out of the bathroom, walks towards me and gives me the international hand jesture for jacking off, I look at him and say... WHAT??? he does it again and I am just floored, WTF is he asking me to do now? So I say, sorry, what exactly does that mean. He says, I need the plunger again. What the FUCKING FUCK? So I told him, Dude, it's kept in the bathroom, go find it. He hasn't asked me for the plunger since.

    So new rule, if you are planning on shitting at work, please know where the plunger is located.
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  25. #25
    Coachella Junkie Drinkey McDrinkerstein's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    I have never been responsible for clogging the toilet, but i'm always one that ends up reporting that the toilet is broken because NOBODY ever reports a clogged toilet except for me it seems. And fuck you, i'm not going to plunge somebody else's shit clogging, even if my boss thinks I'm the one who is responsible because I'm the one that keeps finding it. ugh.
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  26. #26
    Member darkjustice's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    upper tanker

  27. #27
    Milkshake suprefan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette


  28. #28
    Coachella Junkie GuyInTucson's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    My friend had this neighbor we went to school with named Tony. My friend Josh comes back from asking Tony if he can borrow a basketball but he took longer than he should have. I guess Tony had taken a shit the size of a softball and wouldn't flush. They were scooping it out with spoons and made josh wait.... Tony didn't tell him what was going on until after it was over and Josh refused the basketball. This is a true story. Tony was a dirty bastard.

    There was also this kid Nathan we knew that would rather take a shit in the bushes in front of his house than the toilet inside.
    fuck.

  29. #29
    Coachella Junkie GuyInTucson's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    Quote Originally Posted by darkjustice View Post
    upper tanker
    Upper Decker

    John Waters clarified this at Coachella 2010.
    fuck.

  30. #30
    Coachella Junkie faxman75's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men's restroom etiquette

    Quote Originally Posted by HunterGather View Post
    And pooping at work is a no-no on so many levels. If you gotta go, you gotta go. But good riddance, train your body to time that shit at home.
    Prude.

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