Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

[BROKENDOLL]

To Whomever is responsible for removing the solar heating system from atop the roof of the home I'm responsible for watching this summer~
Fuck You. Fuck You Hard.

[marooko]

To all fabricators, big and small,

I'd like to start out with a nice fuck you. Here it is: FUCK YOU!

Now to some business, that you know about, but seemingly need to be reminded of.

1.) When you ask me to bid on something and the schedule says 2 weeks, expect it in two weeks, not before. Sure, sometimes things can be moved around I can accommodate this sudden rush, but don't get used to it.

2.) I bid - either I get it or I don't
2a.) Detailing commences.
2b.) The drawings are sent for APPROVAL.
2c.) The drawings are returned with/without markups.
2d.) they're fixed, then resubmitted, or sent for fab.

What you don't wanna do is rush me to get it done before schedule and then start fabing before it even goes to approval. And we both know you aren't even gonna send it.

In short, fuck off, get your shit together, and you'll get this Friday as specified, not a day sooner fuckhead.

Pissed off Detailer

[shakermaker113]

dear city of San Francisco,

you do not need to water the bike lanes in the panhandle. it is not funny to point every one of your sprinklers in our way.

sincerely,

(e)

[fatbastard]

Dear girl sitting next to me.

This is the repetition, more or less, that I have been observing from my peripheral vision during the past hour.

-Type with both hands
-Stop.
-Read and use your right hand to scroll up and down
-Use your left hand to rub your left barefoot.
-Use both hands to type.
-Stop.
-Use your left hand to rub your chin or bottom lip.
-Repeat.

I can handle the scratching of your neck, the typing on the keyboard, the fingering of your hair over your ear, but my God, the fingers on your face is making me taste queasy. I’m not kidding, I feel green right now.

Question, is the wiggling of your toes a result of satisfaction on the progress of your paper or are your toes just asking for more finger loving?

I am dying to soak you in bleach.

FB

[locachica73]

Dear Cocktail Waitresses (and anyone else),

It is not necessary to wear so much perfume. I should not be able to taste your scent just from having a conversation with you. If you walk into the bar and the entire bar suddenly smells like dirty whore and stale beer then it is too much. Please know that if you come up to talk to me when you have too much perfume on I will walk away. It isn't that I don't like you, I just don't want to smell like you. And yes, a hug is off limits. Sorry. Two squirts is enough. Trust me.

Sincerely,
Not Into Dirty Whore Scent

[rskapcat]

Dear old ladies,

Please read Audra's letter above and substitute "old lady" for "dirty whore." Thanks.

[locachica73]

Dear Old Ladies...

Please stop wearing that floral sickly sweet perfume. Especially to cover up the cigarette smell from sitting at the slot machines at the casino for hours on end. It smells like death.

Thanks.
Audra

[TheWatcher]

Dear Proctor and Gamble etc,

I hope you all rot for manufacturing pure death in a bottle. But, kudos for being able to profit off of people buying poison to "wash" their clothes. I for one would not want to wear clothing that is 50% vaporized soap particles, but I guess there are a lot of senseless people in the world.

I am sitting here choking because the neighbors think it's OK to spew toxic waste from the laundry room. You are lucky I am not Irish or Muslim, I might blow up your factories. Seriously. Think about it.

And to the people who use this crap--if you walking in a room means that it stinks like rotten laundry detergent for hours, what is that doing to your sperm count? I hear it's maybe not doing so well.

People--being clean does not mean smelling like a DOW chemical plant. Really. It's OK to smell like you are alive.

And, a double fuck you to the US Gov and FDA for replacing asthma inhalers that work (CFC) with ones that really don't work (HFA). Now I am stuck imbibing large amounts of Rockstar energy drinks as the caffeine helps a bit.

Yours,
100% organic

BTW--does medical marijuana help with asthma?

[El.C.Dub]

BTW--does medical marijuana help with asthma?

not sure, but i think smoking for asthma would be somewhat counter-intuitive.

Which brings me to my open letter.

Dear Voters of California,
Please do not vote for the legalization of marijuana on this upcoming November ballot. The current medical marijuana situation in California is more than sufficient, and legalizing bud will only mean government involvement which will mean shittier medication and horrible things. If it aint broke, dont fix it. Let the cooperatives and patients control things. For chrissakes nothing sounds more unpleasant to me than going into a 7-11 and buying a pack of shitty factory-processed joints.

Sincerely,
Logan

[BROKENDOLL]

not sure, but i think smoking for asthma would be somewhat counter-intuitive.

Which brings me to my open letter.

Dear Voters of California,
Please do not vote for the legalization of marijuana on this upcoming November ballot. The current medical marijuana situation in California is more than sufficient, and legalizing bud will only mean government involvement which will mean shittier medication and horrible things. If it aint broke, dont fix it. Let the cooperatives and patients control things. For chrissakes nothing sounds more unpleasant to me than going into a 7-11 and buying a pack of shitty factory-processed joints.

Sincerely,
Logan

High Logan!
While I understand your concern in the government getting involved if marijuana gets legalized, you're forgetting that not all people shop at 7/11. Many actually make their own coffee each day. Or, let's say you go to a bakery to purchase a cake, and sure, it's all right, but not the best. You're just too lazy to make it yourself. But your neighbor, Mrs. Kravitz, she's quite a little kitchen witch and loves making her own cakes. She'll even go so far as to grow the grains for her flour and get the eggs from her chicken. Everybody in the neighborhood loves Mrs. Kravitz's cakes because they're made with love. In the state of our economy here, if the lazy people want to get their weed at 7/11, they might help get California out of debt, while all the Mrs. Kravitz's can still feed the neighborhood and not get in trouble for their toiling away in their kitchens. Just some insight from someone in favor of legalization.

Sincerely,
Betty Crocker
P.S. Yes, if that all seems like a silly explanation, please forgive...I started baking as soon as I got up this morning. XO

[guedita]

Dear dude in the fedora with sideburns so visible I can see them from 3 stories up out the window playing the acoustic guitar on the grass in front of the Humanities building,

You suck. Don't let the fact that three stoned desperately indie kids sat down in front of you and are clapping after you warble your way through some sort of abstract jam encourage you. Oh, look, you're barefoot, too. Please go back to your dorm room immediately and show them your Bob Marley posters. I'm trying to study.

[liquidsnake28]

Dear Proctor and Gamble

You are lucky I am not Irish or Muslim, I might blow up your factories. Seriously. Think about it.

Ha, I don't know if you realized this but their headquarters are two towers (I know they're very small but they still call them towers.)

The P&G Towers

[SoulDischarge]

Dear dude in the fedora with sideburns so visible I can see them from 3 stories up out the window playing the acoustic guitar on the grass in front of the Humanities building,

You suck. Don't let the fact that three stoned desperately indie kids sat down in front of you and are clapping after you warble your way through some sort of abstract jam encourage you. Oh, look, you're barefoot, too. Please go back to your dorm room immediately and show them your Bob Marley posters. I'm trying to study.

A more constructive person would try to improve dude's songs with a healthy dose of vuvuzela.

[PlayaDelWes]

Dear sobbing seven-year old’s Dad,

Stand up to your fucking wife for the sake of your daughter. I don’t know what’s so wrong about her 2nd grade teacher assignment she received yesterday, but yanking her from public school last minute to send her to Pinecrest private school is just a great lesson in maturity. As your wife explained to your daughter “Your school doesn’t care about you, they just care about their own bottom line”, you just typed away on your laptop as if this was a perfectly simple thing for a 7 year-old to understand. All she knows is that all her friends she was looking forward to all summer going back to school with TODAY won’t be there anymore. Why? Because they now remain at her ‘old school’; that evil, public one, in Thousand Oaks. THOUSAND OAKS for crying out loud! There is nothing wrong with the schools here, nothing except for morons like your wife who cost the school money because they planned for her attendance this year, but now won’t be receiving the state funding for her.

I must thank you however to allow all of this to go down in the very public waiting room of your younger daughter’s gymnastics class. It was a lot more entertaining than listening to the other moms talk about the labor intricacies for each of their births. Hopefully, it was Excel that you were pounding away on your laptop and you realized that $8,500 / year isn’t worth it to your family and money alone will be the deal-breaker that will save your daughter from this and future distress.

I really hope that she has a better first day of school than she had yesterday,

- Everybody in the gymnastics waiting / viewing room.

[TomAz]

Dear Wes,

wow.

and, amen brother.

- Tom

[locachica73]

Dear Drunken Asshole,

The fact that we sit at the same poker table a few times a year doesn't mean I care to know you, and I especially don't need to know how many times a week you rub one out. The fact that you continued talking about it after I asked you to stop was ridiculous. For you to then get mad and call me a grumpy bitch because I wouldn't shake your hand when you apologized is even more fucking ridiculous. You had just got done discussing rubbing your dick with the same hand you extended to me. GROSS. Please never talk to me again, your a dick.

Thanks,
Grumpy Bitch

[donkey sex]

Dear Unknown,
Don’t use up all my voicemail time playing four minutes of "upbeat, good time” jazz music without saying a word. If I wanted to hear this kind of music I’d have it in my record collection. Thank you.

DS

[koryp]

Dear Ex-wife,
It's touching that you remember what days I get paid on. One phone call asking if you could get your child support check early to pay the mortgage was probably enough. If you had left a message indicating that, I may have even responded. After the 8th call with no message, I've decided I don't want to call you back until the 10th. Last time I checked it wasn't the 10th yet. Please don't call me today.

[koryp]

Tasteless deleted post that may have reached it's intended audience.

[fatbastard]

Dude.

It was good to see you back at work today. 4 heart attacks and 1 open heart surgery, as a result of cigarette smoking. The description of your Kaiser visit could not have been a better conversation on why I should no longer be smoking: the catheter that kept coming off, which caused you to constantly pee on yourself, the pain of the tube being put in and being pulled out of your weenie, the soreness you felt after having your chest opened up, and the worst feeling of having the 2 tubes removed from your body in 1 quick pull, which felt like an electrical shock due to the plastic tubes rubbing against your inner skin.

That Dunhill may have been my last, or at least made me strongly consider exactly what exactly I'm doing to my body.

Stay strong Brother.

FB

[SoulDischarge]

Dear everyone I know,

Keep your crazy to yourself. I don't have the time, energy or patience to deal with it. Therapists get paid far too much and I get paid far too little to take care of all of God's lost little children. Seriously, leave me the fuck alone.

Apathetically yours,
Alejandro

[TomAz]

Dear Patrick/Alejandro,

Your rage seems disproportionate to the problem. The fact that people want to confide in you is their way of saying they value and respect you, and should be seen as a compliment. And yet you reject their overtures angrily. You seem to be suppressing something from your childhood that these people are unearthing in their attempts to build trust. This week, I want you to reflect on what I've said, and in our next session be prepared to discuss childhood episodes that come to mind that may be relevant to this issue.

Oh, and on your way out, could you please stop and speak with Marcia? There seems to be some problem with your insurance card not going through. Probably just a paperwork snafu.

Thanks,

Dr. Tomaz

[shermanoaksyo]

Dear Patrick/Alejandro,

Your rage seems disproportionate to the problem. The fact that people want to confide in you is their way of saying they value and respect you, and should be seen as a compliment. And yet you reject their overtures angrily. You seem to be suppressing something from your childhood that these people are unearthing in their attempts to build trust. This week, I want you to reflect on what I've said, and in our next session be prepared to discuss childhood episodes that come to mind that may be relevant to this issue.

Oh, and on your way out, could you please stop and speak with Marcia? There seems to be some problem with your insurance card not going through. Probably just a paperwork snafu.

Thanks,

Dr. Tomaz

Like any great medical practitioner, you should just stop taking insurance

[SoulDischarge]

Dear Dr. TomAz,

I really can't even begin to thank you for curing me of not only my rage issues, but also my homosexuality. But I think I'll try by eloping with your secretary to some tropical paradise with the money she's been embezzling from you for years. You're truly a saint.

Sincerely,
Nutjob #D84902J6

[TomAz]

Dear Patrick,

Interesting that you should bring your sexual orientation into this. It had not occured to me that it would be related to your hostility issues. Yet you seem to think they're connected somehow. What significance do you see in this?

Dr T

[TomAz]

Dear lady at the xx at ACL yesterday:

It's a festival. There are lots of people. Many of them trying to get from A to B. I said 'excuse me' twice, and when you didn't respond, I went to gingerly step around you without disturbing you or the people seated on the blankets on either side of you. So, your forearm shove that nearly knocked me into the people around you was just plain fucking rude.

I am sorry you feel like a victim and that your life is miserable and that ACL is not your private party this year. I advise you not to try your tactics in less friendly crowds, however, cuz it could be dangerous.

TomAz

[guedita]

Dear peers,

You assholes need to either stop getting engaged or start guaranteeing me an invite to your weddings before you even propose. At least grant me the comfort in knowing I can publicly express my feelings of social inadequacy by getting sloppily drunk and embarassing myself in front of your family and actual friends. I ain't kidding.

-That girl

[MissingPerson]

Dear guy I know,

To answer your latest email, the reason I never answer any of your emails is that I don't want to answer any of your emails.

Regards,
Francoise

[SoulDischarge]

Dear Dude Who Got Killed By A Train Today

I hate to be some cold hearted insensitive bastard and all, but couldn't you find a more convenient way to die? If you committed suicide, it was selfish of you to hold up train traffic so that hard working people were late to work when they already have too many attendance points as it is and are in the process of trying to transfer to a different location within the company that would eliminate the need to take the train that made them late in the first place. If it was an accident, it was probably your fault, either through carelessless, obliviousness, or just straight up stupidity. Trains typically are stuck on the tracks on which they travel, so if you see a train coming, it's pretty easy to figure out where not to be when it does roll through. I'm sorry for your family's loss but next time you die, try to do it peacefully at home.

Conflictedly Mourning,
Aggravated Commuter.

[shakermaker113]

dear SoulDiscarge,

I feel your pain.

(e)