Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

[daisyBee]

dear school that i really wanted to attend,

you suck. no one should have to be put on a wait list for three years. NO ONE.

disgusted,
DC
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Dear Cousin,

You buy way too much make up. You seriously don't need that much make up.

Easy, breezy, beautiful,
DC

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Dear Call of Duty: Black Ops,

Thank you for bringing my boyfriend much, much closer. Killing zombies has never been so much fun.

Line 'em up and shoot 'em down,
DC

[yeahfontaine]

Dear students,

I've been working 70 hours a week for 7 years so that you that all of you can get better at reading, writing, speaking and thinking.

I want my life back. I may seem like a shitty teacher from now on and it may take you months to get back an essay. But I still love you.

-Your exhausted and way-the-fuck-underpaid teacher

[Gribbz]

Dear Beirut,

Quit fucking around and schedule something west of Texas.

- Gribbz

[marooko]

Dear you,

Why is it so difficult for you to listen?

Me

[weeklymix]

Dear Republicans and Conservatives who refuse to call themselves Republicans choosing to go public over the current Libya debacle:

Stop. The American public has not completely forgotten the war in Iraq. If Ron Paul and David Gergen want to say things like "[we] can't go around being the 'World Police'," they should know it makes them look unbelievably hypocritical, even for the way you folks are generally perceived by my generation. The group I primarily associate with has been targeted for years as being Communists and free-loving hippies yet you as Hawks have the unbelievable audacity to cry "warmonger" due to a willingness to send aid to countries that absolutely need it more than Iraq? Listen, Afghanistan may seem like a mess to you now but had the president from your party stayed there instead of playing shoot-'em-up in Iraq we would have been a few years ahead of the mess he left us with now. This "feminine," "overtly liberal" president of ours pressed the button to fire extremely precise missiles and the blood on his hands in this endeavor outweighs the blood on your own for the past decade? Some of you have even bothered to say the country can't afford it. You mean after your party OK'd trillions to be spent on wars that have yet to be won? But it was okay then because the economy was good then, right? Because your buddy had that weapons manufacturing business that his dad bought him, right? It certainly wasn't doomed to collapse and definitely not built on fairy tales. Look, when Gaddafi's body is hanging from a branch the Americans won't be there anymore. This administration has made it clear that they're doing nothing more than helping, rather starting anything. You see that's the difference. The Americans from this administration's stance are okay with coming in to help at this point with an unruly dictator that didn't fall as easily as his surrounding allies. We didn't help in Tunisia, we didn't help in Egypt, we won't go near Yemen. The point is we're helping to tear down a key piece of this wave that apparently was vital to the Middle East's livelihood. The fact any of you schmucks would challenge the constitutionality of any of these moves without hesitation is utter garbage. You can't call our president a pussy one week and a warmonger the next without people realizing you stand for dick.

Most real conservatives are independents now thanks to you guys. The "fundamental" change you thought this country needed will be vetoed next year. It's no wonder you guys still haven't stopped Newt Gingrich from running: you are officially the Hypocrisy Party.

Signed,
Me.

[BeeII]

dear coworker that sits one cubicle over: your wedding was in october, you can stop talking about it now. kthxbai

[Coachella Bound]

Dear Sean Penn,

please give Scar Jo back

thnx, CB

[Devin the Dude]

If Edith Wharton was not already dead I would send her a strongly worded letter about picking and choosing her battles.

[PotVsKtl]

[marooko]

To a large percentage of you,

Damn you for making something already difficult, much more difficult to deal with.

Mario

[locachica73]

Dear Coachella Attendees:

Your minute by minute check ins from Coachella are hurting my heart, put the phone down and enjoy the show. AND STOP TORTURING MEEEEEE!!!

Sincerely,
Bitter

[fatbastard]

Dear Stupid Mother Fucker Driving the Black Accord In Front of Me on the 5 Freeway between 3:30PM and 3:45PM today.

I had just finished changing over 3 lanes to avoid the dead stop due to the root beer colored Honda Accord that was on fire. You were in front of me as we began to pass the burning car. I could see that over half the car, from the engine to the rear doors, was in flames. I could smell melted plastic, even though my window was rolled up. You decided to stop and stare at the fire, not even thinking that it could easily have blown up at any moment. There you were staring, like a dumb, stupid, cunty, retarded, mother fucker.

I promise to get on my knees tonight and pray for you to die; to die from an explosion with metal piecing your head and chest. I want your skin to be sprayed with the very gasoline from than root beer colored Honda Accord! I want to hear you scream!! Burn in hell you mother fucker!!!

Love Always.
FB.

[Wheres the beef?]

Dear Khaki Pants with Black Dress Shoes,

Would you please stop coming into the bathroom to let loose your explosive diarrhea when I am using the bathroom. I'd like to have just a couple minutes to crap in peace and play games on my phone before going back to my mundane job. At the very least, get a colonoscopy or change your diet or something. You should not be having diarrhea on a regular basis.

Thanks

[betao]

dear Young Jeezy:

Thank you for actually being on time this past Friday and only performing about 50 minutes, thus making my subjection of your performance quick and relatively painless.

Your National/NorVa staff member,

Matt

[locachica73]

Dear Facebook Friends:

Thanks for letting me know what happened on all the shows I watch before I got to watch them. I will now have to block you as well. Damn you and your east coast television watching!

Sincerely,
Later Timezone

[shakermaker113]

dear people with shitty cameras,

please do not try to shoot concert footage, no matter how drunk you are or how good you think it looks on that little 3 inch screen.

and if you get carried away, for fuck's sake don't upload it to youtube. you are polluting the internet.

just wait until apple takes away your freedom of speech. that'll show you.

(E)

[fatbastard]

Dear Birds.

All the splashing from the water filled cat food dish tells me that you're having a hell of an afternoon.

FB

[guedita]

dear people with shitty cameras,

please do not try to shoot concert footage, no matter how drunk you are or how good you think it looks on that little 3 inch screen.

and if you get carried away, for fuck's sake don't upload it to youtube. you are polluting the internet.

just wait until apple takes away your freedom of speech. that'll show you.

(E)

Support.

[Somewhat Damaged]

So Jennifer's daughter came into our room at 4:30 on Friday morning saying that her chest & stomach hurt and that she needed to go to the hospital. We took her, and while I was in the waiting room, I called my manager to let her know I wouldn't be able to make it into the office. I had a 1st payroll input with a client that was bringing over 4 companies from our biggest competitor. I had already spoken to the woman at considerable length twice in the week, including getting her logged into the accounts so she could familiarize herself with the system and verify the information I had keyed in. I also corresponded with her via e-mail on Thursday, so basically all the legwork had been done, hours/tips just needed to be entered and the payroll to then be submitted. Something really anybody in my department could walk her through. I asked my manager to have one of my coworkers give the client a call and apparently my coworker didn't get in touch with her at 10:30 (our scheduled appointment time) or 10:51. When I got on my computer this morning, I found close to 20 e-mails in my inbox from the clusterfuck that occurred afterward, including this particular gem from the sales rep:

From: Aimee
Sent: Friday, December 02, 2011 11:33 AM
To: Deborah; Wendy; Felicia; Rick; Jackie
Cc: Josh; Javier
Subject: RE: Luciles URGENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I understand he had an emergency since this is not like him. But we have a big problem. She called into my major’s counterpart and complained that this is not what she was promised. If he had an emergency he could have sent her an email to let her know, which she obviously didn’t know or she wouldn’t be this upset. It’s not everyday that we pick up 16k on the spot so this is a big deal for SBS. Her pay date is Monday so now I am worried that she freaked out and is going to process and stay with Paychex. She wanted the free w2’s and we will miss that promo if we do not catch this payroll.

I am booked solid the rest of today, so can someone please keep calling her until they get a hold of her. This is not her fault it is our fault for missing the appointment when payroll has a check date of Monday. She has 4 controls with over 100 employees, that is scary not knowing if 100 people are going to get paid on time.

Aimee

This is what my response to her was after reading that bullshit:

From: Rick
Sent: Sunday, December 04, 2011 9:48 AM
To: Aimee; Deborah; Wendy; Felicia; Jackie
Cc: Josh; Javier
Subject: RE: Luciles URGENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aimee,

I’m so sorry about this. The next time my stepdaughter comes into our room at 4:30 in the morning sobbing about chest pains, and I have an appointment with one of your clients, I’ll be more conscientious about getting on my laptop to compose an e-mail to your client before taking her to the hospital.

Rick, CPP

[JebusLives]

Dear facebook friends,

Thank each and every one of you for letting me know that the weather is shitty. I'm under house arrest, replaced all my windows with beach imagery, and smashed the thermostat in frustration earlier this week. Also, facebook is the only webpage I have access to. Your public service won't go unnoticed.

[guedita]

Subject: RE: Luciles URGENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aimee,

I’m so sorry about this. The next time my stepdaughter comes into our room at 4:30 in the morning sobbing about chest pains, and I have an appointment with one of your clients, I’ll be more conscientious about getting on my laptop to compose an e-mail to your client before taking her to the hospital.

Rick, CPP

So good. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

[Suffacated]

And Jen's daughter?
I hope she's doing OK.

[Somewhat Damaged]

And Jen's daughter?
I hope she's doing OK.

She's fine now, thanks for the concern.

[BROKENDOLL]

Dear A.A.R.P.
For almost 3 years now you've been sending me invitations to become a member and take advantage of the discounts A.A.R.P. provides for seniors. I laughed at first because I was under the impression that a person had to be 55 in order to be an accepted member, so I simply tossed them in the trash. Obviously you didn't get any hint because what started out as a paper application then became an actual pretend A.A.R.P. membership card made of some indestructible substance that can't be ripped in half before tossing. The fact that you've gone through the trouble of personalizing them with my name has made me hang on to them for fear of risking the theft of my identity. On the plus side of this grievance, as long as you don't mind receiving them back in another 4 years coated with drug residue, I won't mind the personalized paraphernalia until I'm actually qualified for the rest of your stupid offers.

Sincerely,
Bdoll
P.S. Since it's my birthday, whether I'm age qualified or not, can I still get the trunk organizer you offered me if I apply by 12/05/2011?

[Goatchella]

Lol. Residuals

[fatbastard]

Dear Myrna from my 8th grade class.

It’s been a long time, but wanted to finally get this off my chest. Though I was there for you when everyone started making fun of you for giving a classmate a blowjob, there was a part of me that was secretly hoping to receive one as well. Not to state the obvious, but you had perfect lips for it.

I hope you can forgive me.

FB.

[DANCE MAGIC]

Dear company that is interviewing me via Skype next week,

Please give this job. I love your games and I fucking want to live in Paris.

Love,

Scott

[guedita]

Dear girls who prank called me to tell me that you found my cat in Minnesota,

Good prank call. You girls really seem to get comedy.

-Cara

[fatbastard]

Dear elderly Chinese woman in the product section of the market,

I was behind you, just as you had loaded a couple of pieces of daikon into a plastic bag. You loaded them in your cart, and then began to push your cart away. A solo daikon from the pile you just pulled from fell from the stack and broke in half on the ground. You slowly turned around, noticed what happened, then bent down to pick up both pieces. You placed both pieces back on the stack as best you could then drove your cart away.

I just wanted to say that was quite classy and respectable of you. Compared to the other mongrels around us who were reaching over our shoulders left and right with their apologies in broken Engrish, your respect for the produce reminded me that there are still good people out there.

Gung hay fat choy.

FB

[BROKENDOLL]

Dear girls who prank called me to tell me that you found my cat in Minnesota,

Good prank call. You girls really seem to get comedy.

-Cara

Dear Cara,
While I'm well aware of the fact that you ended our friendship on facebook and instead chose to use me as your example of the less educated on this message board, I couldn't help but notice on a mutual friend's facebook page that your cat had run away from home. It tugged at my heartstrings and provoked sympathy pains because I too, am a cat owner, and I know all too well, the feeling of loss and worry that comes from having a missing pet. (It's somewhat similar to being un-friended on a social network.) In any case, upon seeing this post of yours directed at a couple of twats and their shitty attempt at humor, I felt compelled to try and correspond with you here, to let you know of my deep concern for the health and welfare of your furry feline family member. I can only hope by now, that you are curled up on the couch with kitty by your side, and that those inconsiderate cuntbags are sitting in Minnesota freezing their asses off with nothing by their sides to keep them cozy and warm.

Sincerely,
Bdoll