Dear Dan Boeckner,
for Christ's sake,
Dear Dan Boeckner,
for Christ's sake,
Back off my routine breakfast, Gemma.
Dear likely film student walking into campus wearing all black, a trench coat type thing, black ski mask, and carrying a bulky soft briefcase with some sort of large metal scope or lens coming out of the top,
Notice all the the 'oh shit' double takes passers-by were giving you? Yeah. That's really bad way to make friends.
Tune in to your local news broadcast tonight at 5pm for the latest update on a possible sniper attack at the local college university. Details are still unclear, but the suspect may have ties to the Gothic community or the Drama Department at the school. Detectives are still undecided as to whether or not this man is dangerous, or, if he's just roaming around practicing his lines in the script.
The suspect may, or may not be armed with actual artillery, and doesn't appear to be very friendly, so proceed with caution.
Its like the Infinite Monkey Theorem, if you put X amount of monkeys in a room with a typewriter and ask them to give you Shakespeare 99% of them will fling their shit at you while the other 1% will masturbate in the corner.
Dear pregnant ladies,
Im tired of all the "awards" you get for getting knocked up. Months off work, Prime parking spots... wtf "parking for mothers to be" at work... F that. How about I get a some time off by not having a child and saving my company thousands of dollars in lost work time and insurance costs. I am never going to miss a day of work because my kid needs to get picked up from school. Where is my fucking reward?
- thanks for nothing
Dear Wachovia Customer Service Rep,
Sorry that I probably made you wish you'd never been born, first thing in the morning and all. But you better know your shit before you start calling me out and telling me I'm wrong, while I'm sitting here looking at the terms and conditions posted right here on your website that you never expect anyone to read. What's that you say - that's not what's in your manual? Well, you better get online and show me where there is publicly accessible info that agrees with your 'manual', 'cause I'm not seeing it. Hmmmm... well... after putting me on hold for 15 minutes, it appears that I'm right, and you're wrong? Imagine that! Now GET THE ISSUE RESOLVED 'cause I'm tired of dealing with you fuckwads over what should only be a minor transaction.
Pissed Off in San Diego
Dear women that I date,
Could you please make me aware ahead of time that you eventually plan on making your alcoholism/repressed daddy issues/etc. apparent through a dramatic, immature and pathetic display? It would save us both a lot of time and headache if you didn't try so hard to give off the impression of being at least a reasonably well-adjusted adult, only to prove that you are anything but.
dear grateful, generous customer,
I could have done a better job. I don't deserve your thanks. I'm sorry.
It's just rain. You're going to be alright.
I'm prayin' for rain, I'm prayin' for tidal waves
ATT U-Verse - please take note that your customer service is the fucking worst in the world. Yes, the entire world.
Yes, LOTS of accidents and evacuations. This isn't the light rain for one day kind of storm that we get a lot of flack for from other states. We'll get those soon so you can mock us then.
Oh yeah, everyone's all about the Double Rainbow that just broke out in L.A. on Twitter and Facebook.
I loved rainy day games at school. heads up 7-up anyone?
She added the phrase "meany head" to my profile.I hardly think I'm an attention whore.I train birds of prey and am I licensed falconer
Dear L.A. Double Rainbow,
Keep it up. You're freaking out our city in a good way. We are united as one without the Lakers doing it for us and without cars being flipped (Accidents caused by the wet roads and staring at the rainbows don't count). Thank you and come again REAL soon.
Dear Republic of California,
It's really hard to give you any sympathy right now. It's really just a little bad weather. Duck, Duck, Goose is a fun game.
Wow, 12 step meetings at Coachella, who knew? SOBERCHELLA.COM
I'm a reasonable man, get off my case....
to step outside lately? It's just rain. And it should be hitting you guys right about now...
Your letter gave me a fuzzy warm feeling on this cold and rainy day. Thanks, B.D.
Who needs sympathy when you have double rainbows? Oh, and Duck, Duck, Goose sucks, unless of course you're a duck, or happen to have webbed feet. Sincerely, Sitting at Sea Level
NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE FUCKING PASTE YOU ATE IN THE 3rd GRADE, OKAY?
That Faggy Scenestar