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Thread: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

  1. #31

    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Dear Citizens of Long Beach,

    In the future, please obey all pedestrian crosswalk signals. I refer you to the California Vehicle Code for specific instructions as to right of way at traffic signals. And for the record, you are not doing me a solid by pausing and waving me through when I have a green light and you are blatantly walking across the street anyway.

    Yours in Christ,

    fac429

    __________________________________________________ _______________

    Dear Guy Who Works at the Liquor Store Near My House,

    While I appreciate your prompt customer service, it would be nice if you waited for me to order my bottle of Jagermeister before you turn to grab it from the shelf. When you grab the Jagermeister before I've even asked for it, it makes me feel like an alcoholic.

    Cheers,

    fac429
    __________________________________________________ _______________

    Dear Sun,

    Okay, we get it. You are an astounding collection of constant nuclear explosions which sustain life in this planet. But can you PLEASE tone it down a little? My house does not have air conditioning, and there's only so much an oscillating fan can do when there's no cross-breeze in the living room.

    Warmly,

    fac429

  2. #32
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Dear old man,

    Im sorry that I was rude, you were being honest and sincere. Thank you for checking on me to see if I was okay. You just startled me when I woke up. I did not mean to scream at you and tell you to just leave me alone. I thought I was going to shed a tear from the pain and I dont like people being around me when Im in pain. So yeah, Im sorry. .

    J.

  3. #33
    Peaceful Oasis TomAz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Dear Coachella board,

    wtf happened to you? You used to be fun, lively, energetic. Now you drool and babble like a quadraplegic. Do you have a head wound?

    Concerned,

    Tom
    Quote Originally Posted by efrain44 View Post
    Anyone know who the guy in the Cardinals jersey is? I've seen him in pictures on the board and I thought I saw him this year.

  4. #34
    Coachella Junkie Alchemy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Dear Comedy Central,

    Why did you cancel Stella?

    Sorrowful,
    Tim
    Quote Originally Posted by canexplain View Post
    I try to be politically pc more than most here: As a dude, anyone who could put a shark up a gals pc body, is pretty creepy, different and interesting. Just saying big time ..... cr****

  5. #35
    old school Tylerdurden31's Avatar
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Dear Eddie Izzard,

    Thank you for being an awesome actor in The Riches last night. Unfortunately, I didn't stay awake long enough to watch all of it, but it's on my tivo, so I shall continue to watch your brilliance when I get home tonight.

    -Mike

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Minnie Driver,

    Thanks for not sucking on The Riches last night.

    -Mike

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Laura (the band),

    Thank you for making Radio Swan Is Down. It's awesome and helping me get through some really nasty stuff right now. If you ever come to the states, look me up, I'll buy you all drinks.

    -Mike

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Women,

    You're all fucking crazy.

    -Mike

  6. #36
    old school Tylerdurden31's Avatar
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Quote Originally Posted by Alchemy View Post
    Dear Comedy Central,

    Why did you cancel Stella?

    Sorrowful,
    Tim
    Dear Alchemy,

    I second that, but I think they drove off a cliff in a pickup truck.

    -Mike

    -----------------------------------------------

    Dear Mika,

    Why are you trying to sound like Freddie Mercury?

    -Mike

    P.S. Dont fuck with my name

  7. #37
    old school fober's Avatar
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    To Whom It May Concern:


    GET OFF MY PLANE...


    Sincerely,

    President James Marshall
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  8. #38
    old school mob roulette's Avatar
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Quote Originally Posted by Hannahrain View Post
    Dear Mysterious Bruise on My Face,

    Where the fuck did you come from? You were not invited. I have not hit my head on anything. I am not currently dating a Nascar fan. There is no explanation for you. GO THE FUCK AWAY.

    Love and Bruises,

    Hannah

    --------------------------

    Dear Shampoo,

    I would really appreciate it if you could try to not be out of yourself come tomorrow morning. I know it's asking a lot, but i've never asked you for anything. Do your best, hon. 110% is all I ask.

    Love, Hannah

    -----------------------

    Dear The Black Keys,

    Thank you for being so amazing. You skyrocketed to one of my all-time favorites the second I first heard "rubber factory". Serious, serious props.

    Love, Hannah

    ----------------------

    Dear FIDM,

    It is with great pleasure that I inform you that I'm going to get the hell out. You've been awful. If i never see you again, it will be too soon. You've sapped my wallet AND my creativity.

    Suck it,

    Hannah
    i'm so proud. sincerely. especially that last one. i knew you had it in you. now go get you some girl. GET SOME. grrrrr...

  9. #39
    LOLocaust Survivor Hannahrain's Avatar
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Dear mob,

    Thanks. I'm proud of me too. Unfortunately, I'm past the partial refund point, so it would be dumb of me to take off now. I have one more quarter to go in that place. I'm not sure how I'll manage another three months surrounded by the second coming of Stepford, but [as they say on the industry's favorite TV show], I'll make it work.

    Love,
    Hannah.
    Last edited by Hannahrain; 03-14-2007 at 03:10 PM.

  10. #40
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Dear People that dont follow format of this thread,

    PLEASE FOLLOW FORMAT OF THIS THREAD! Ive got my eye on mob and hannah. Yeah thats right. You.

    Following format of this thread,

    nando
    I am going to get so blown to Cypress Hill while they play.

  11. #41
    LOLocaust Survivor Hannahrain's Avatar
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Dear Nando,

    My humblest apologies. Here at Hannah, quality is our first priority. We have contacted those responsible, and rest assured, they will be punished, and the mistake will be corrected.

    Form letterishly yours,

    Hannah Rain
    President

  12. #42
    old school
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Dear Hannah,

    Ain't no thang.

    Regards,
    nando

    -----------------

    Dear new homeowner of an oversized mansion,
    Im glad you have extra money to renovate your basement so your maniac kids can play hockey. It is still a bad idea to put down custom carpet tiles in a basement on the North Shore of Long Island and no matter how much your kids like the Islanders, blue and orange carpet squares are fugly. Also, please reconsider using a textured 12x12 wall tile in your bathroom just because theyre on sale. You just bought a 2 million dollar mansion. Drop a couple of extra coins, you maniac.

    Just trying to help,
    the contractor.

    ------------------------------

    Dear laundry,
    go do yourself.

    Lazily yours and looking forward to being in you when youre clean,
    this guy.

    ---------------------------
    dear slacker friends,
    get me this money for our trip, you fucking jerkfaced goons.

    Checkbook in hand,
    activity coordinator of our group of friends.

    ------------------

    Dear Hoo,
    Where you been?

    Not concerned or anything, just wondering.
    nando
    I am going to get so blown to Cypress Hill while they play.

  13. #43
    Peaceful Oasis TomAz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Dear nando,

    My uncle lives in Bayville. do you know where that is?

    Geographically yours,
    Tom
    Quote Originally Posted by efrain44 View Post
    Anyone know who the guy in the Cardinals jersey is? I've seen him in pictures on the board and I thought I saw him this year.

  14. #44
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Tom,
    I am familiar with Bayville, though not too close to it...probably under an hour away. That is way up on the north shore.

    Thinking about what Billy Joel said about north shore girls vs. south shore girls,
    nando
    I am going to get so blown to Cypress Hill while they play.

  15. #45
    Peaceful Oasis TomAz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Nando,

    How bout Manhasset? that's where my parents grew up.

    Billy Joel can go fuck himself,
    Tom
    Quote Originally Posted by efrain44 View Post
    Anyone know who the guy in the Cardinals jersey is? I've seen him in pictures on the board and I thought I saw him this year.

  16. #46
    Member blakely's Avatar
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Dear Simple Man,
    Thank you for being the best damn song you can be. Lasting 4 decades is an amazing feat and i commend you. Youve inspired me more than jarrod inspires obese people to eat at subway.

    In Admiration,
    Blake
    the lurker shows his member to the kids at the old school.

  17. #47
    Peaceful Oasis TomAz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Dear Psychic Friend,

    When will the set times be posted?

    Anxiously awaiting,
    Tom
    Quote Originally Posted by efrain44 View Post
    Anyone know who the guy in the Cardinals jersey is? I've seen him in pictures on the board and I thought I saw him this year.

  18. #48
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Tom,
    Manhasset is a nice little town.

    Sincerely yours in that 'its a small world' kind of way,
    nando

    ---------------

    Dear TomAz,
    If you've got something to say to Billy Joel, say it to Billy Joel's face. You talk any more shit about Billy Joel and Billy Joel will fucking skin you. You got that?

    Under pressure,
    Billy Joel
    I am going to get so blown to Cypress Hill while they play.

  19. #49
    Peaceful Oasis TomAz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Dear Billy Joel,

    You are a smarmy little shit and I don't see why anyone likes you. Your songs are self-serving semi-moralistic bits of hackneyed cornball blather that you think make you sound cool but in reality just highlight the fact that you're nothing more than a cheesy lounge singer who sold his cheese to an eager cheese-swilling American public. In 'Piano Man' you mythologized people's everyday problems and made sure everyone knew that it was you everyone turned to for comfort. In 'Honesty' you made sure everyone knew everyone was a bunch of lying twits, except for yourself, of course, you being the true light and the way of truth. But then, in an odd turn, in 'Only the Good Die Young' you told a young girl who made up her own mind what was right and what was wrong for her and her life that no, she should let you be the one to decide, cuz you wanted to get up that catholic school uniform skirt, you fucking sicko. In 'It's Still Rock n Roll to Me' you saw your career flagging and attempted to hop that 'new wave' train that left the station years before -- all the while making sure everyone knew that you were the one who decides what's rock and roll and what's not. In 'Allentown' a few years after that you tried to get on the Springsteen/Mellencamp train by showing sympathy for the same working stiffs you mocked in 'Piano Man'. gimme a fucking break. Eventually you wound up a drunk wreck of a pile of shit, looking to Elton John for handouts. Let me know when you want to hang yourself, I'd be happy to buy you the rope.

    Sincerely,
    TomAz
    Quote Originally Posted by efrain44 View Post
    Anyone know who the guy in the Cardinals jersey is? I've seen him in pictures on the board and I thought I saw him this year.

  20. #50

    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Dear a couple of people I know on myspace,

    Download aim, or call me, you fucking retards. I hate having to exchange pointless messages with you every 10 minutes over the course of 4 hours.

    I'm seriously going to kill you soon,
    Julie.

    ----------------------------------

    Dear that one bitch at the gym that sits on the ab machine for 10 minutes in between reps just to piss me off,

    I want to strangle you every time I walk into the room, and see you. You sit there forever, playing with your hairs, and TALKING ON THE PHONE in spanish. Every 6 minutes or so, you make a weak attempt at two crunches, and go back to talking on the phone, or just sitting on your ass. I tried to express my disgust with you yesterday, but you just waved your finger at me, and said that you don't speak english. I can't wait on you for an hour, I have things to take care of.

    I'm gonna kick you in the head tonight,
    Julie.

    -------------------------------------

    Dear grocery store bag guy,

    THINK OF THE GAY BABY WHALES. Every time you "nonchallantly" run your hand down my arm handing me my groceries, I have to run home and take a shower to cleanse myself of your creepiness residue. Do you know how much water you've forced me to waste this week? Save it for someone with lower self esteem.

    I will never love you,
    Julie.

    PS- Complimenting a total stranger's boobs is highly inappropriate.

  21. #51
    Member blakely's Avatar
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Quote Originally Posted by UnicornsForBreakfast View Post

    PS- Complimenting a total stranger's boobs is highly inappropriate.

    fuck...... i have some apologies to make......
    the lurker shows his member to the kids at the old school.

  22. #52
    Peaceful Oasis TomAz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Dear blake,

    what part of the 'letter' format do you not get?

    Consider this a teachable moment,
    Tom
    Quote Originally Posted by efrain44 View Post
    Anyone know who the guy in the Cardinals jersey is? I've seen him in pictures on the board and I thought I saw him this year.

  23. #53
    old school
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Dear Tom,
    Shame on you for trying to oversimplify Billy Joel's career and misinterpreting Billy Joel's career. If you knew anything about Billy Joel, you would understand that Billy Joel has always expressed love and respect for Billy Joel's community of Long Island. Your claim of me jumping on the bandwagon of sympathizing for working stiffs. Billy Joel has been a strong supporter of the local fishermen and very active in passing laws and regulations protecting Long Island's waters and fishermen. Billy Joel understands that this is a livelihood that has has provided for families for many generations and Billy Joel works hard to protect these working stiffs.

    As for touring with Elton John...Billy Joel likes hanging out with eccentric dudes that used to dress like Donald Duck. Billy Joel does not care about writing hits. Billy Joel writes classical pieces now. Billy Joel can crash as many cars as Billy Joel wants because Billy Joel owns half of Long Island.

    Compare Billy Joel to Mellencamp again and Billy Joel will kick the dick off you. Billy Joel was an amateur boxer, ya know. Had you said that 'River of Dreams' was crap, Billy Joel would say nothing, but you talk too much crap.

    Figuring out why Billy Joel is typing at Nando's apartment,
    Billy Joel
    I am going to get so blown to Cypress Hill while they play.

  24. #54
    Member blakely's Avatar
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Dear Tom,
    Mi scusi.

    Forever in your debt,
    Blake
    the lurker shows his member to the kids at the old school.

  25. #55
    Peaceful Oasis TomAz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Dear Billy Joel,

    Droopy-eyed Long Island boys don't scare me. Bring it on.

    Also, Billy, everything I know about you I got off of AM radio in the late 70s and early 80s. I was there, dude. I heard your fucking tripe day and night. It was everywhere you turned. And it was bad. Bad, bad, banal, bland, boring bullshit is what it was. Don't tell me I don't know your work, I fucking had to live through it, not like these kids today.

    Sorry about the Mellencamp thing though. I admit that was a low blow.

    Tom
    Quote Originally Posted by efrain44 View Post
    Anyone know who the guy in the Cardinals jersey is? I've seen him in pictures on the board and I thought I saw him this year.

  26. #56
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Dear Tom,
    Billy Joel understands that some of the lyrical content may be at times "inconsistent" in quality, but Billy Joel does not compose bad, bland, banal, bland, boring bullshit. Granted, "scenes from an italian restaurant" starts off as a nice romantic song and turns into the story of a couple Billy Joel once knew, but there are many people that can relate to that story. In that sense, Billy Joel could very well be much like Springsteen. So, maybe Billy Joel is not offended after all. If you are looking for inaccuracies in Billy Joel's lyrics, you may just be reading them wrong. For example, you may think that Billy Joel is talking about Billy Joel in "The Ballad of Billy the Kid" but you are mistaken. Billy Joel will not apologize for any lyrical content, except for "We didnt start the fire" which Billy Joel guesses is a bit of a rip off of REM's "It's The End of the World"

    Billy Joel thinks you are just jealous because you are not with an Uptown Girl.

    Just sayin'
    Billy "The Angry Young Man" Joel
    I am going to get so blown to Cypress Hill while they play.

  27. #57
    Member La Ferrassie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Dear Arizona Diamondbacks,

    I'm tired of your organization getting me excited every off-season. This year you change your logo and colors and get Randy Johnson. When I looked at this years roster I think that you have to many unproven young up-and-comers in your line up that need some more time down in the minors. I'm excited for this season, but the bottom of my stomach thinks that you will finish last in the worst division in the MLB, the NL West. Best of luck this season.

    Unsure,
    Patrick

  28. #58
    old school
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Dear JetBlue,
    Thanks for refunding my flight that I took in February.
    It was a nice little surprise in my checking account. I am still a satisfied customer, even though you fucked up.
    You go, girl.

    nando
    I am going to get so blown to Cypress Hill while they play.

  29. #59
    vinylmartyr
    Guest

    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Dear La Ferrassie

    Can you please ask them to get rid of that stupid Snake rattle they play during home Diamondback games.

    Dodgers fan
    vm

  30. #60
    Member La Ferrassie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

    Dear vinylmartyr,

    I don't know if I could get that done, but it would be nice to get rid of it. I also hope this year they don't play that stupid Fort Minor song with all of the percentages before they take the field.

    Understandably,
    Patrick

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