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Thread: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

  1. #1
    Coachella Junkie PlayaDelWes's Avatar
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    Default YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    Please share tips on how we can make this awesome festival that much more efficient!

    Parking:

    Don’t talk to the parking attendants! Sure, you got to the wrong lot, or you want to park near a friend, or have some other moronic question for them, but there is no need to have a conversation of any length with the person waving you into the parking lot. There is an empty parking lot ahead of you and a steady stream of cars behind you, just waiting to get in.

    Tailgate the person in front of you into the lot! When they move their car forward, you move your car forward. Don’t extend the accordion. Again, there is an empty lot in front of you. Get yourself into a space.

    Don’t have a conversation with the Police Officer (or whoever) at the wristband checkpoint. Pay attention to what’s coming up. If people in front of you are cruising by with their arms out the window, monkey see monkey do and get your arms out the window so you can cruise by as soon as possible. It’s like rubberneckers on a freeway. There is plenty of open-road ahead. Help traffic behind you by moving on as quickly as you can.
    Security Lines:

    Limit the size of your bag / amount of your stuff. More stuff = longer security lines.

    Pay attention. Again, watch what’s going on ahead of you and be ready to show off your goods to security. There are tables leading up to help you prepare before you are searched. Also, there are usually lots of people searching you in the same line. Pay attention and you’ll likely see someone ready to search you.

    Don’t loiter. No need to have conversations with these friendly people either. What is and what is not allowed is pretty straight forward. Arguing is just wasting the people’s time behind you. And when they are done searching you, GTFO so others behind you can proceed. Don’t lollygag waiting for your friends. There will be plenty of open space just inside.
    Last edited by PlayaDelWes; 04-04-2011 at 11:39 AM.
    Friday: Aloe Blacc, ZZ Ward, Caravan Palace, MS MR, Bastille, OutKast, Grouplove, Kate Nash, HAIM, Jagwar Ma, Tom Odell, Neko Case
    Saturday
    : Chvrches, Lorde, ,Foxygen, The Naked and Famous, Pharrell Williams, Muse, Empire of the Sun, Bombay Bicycle Club, Pet Shop Boys, Saints of Valory, Temples
    Sunday: Arcade Fire, Lana Del Rey, Frank Turner, John Newman, J Roddy Walston and the Business, Superchunk, STRFKR, Neutral Milk Hotel

  2. #2
    Cult Leader koryp's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    Playa deserves a team spirit award for this shit^^^^
    Wow, 12 step meetings at Coachella, who knew? SOBERCHELLA.COM

    I'm a reasonable man, get off my case....

  3. #3
    Coachella Junkie chairmenmeow47's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    parking/leaving the parking lot

    hang out in campgrounds before you leave - want to avoid the wait driving out of the parking lot? well hang around the campgrounds. either find your camping friends and sit back and talk for a little bit, or wander around and check out what is going on. there's generally plenty of friendly people willing to chat. sometimes you can even get a bottle of water or roller skate or whatever the campgrounds are doing this year. check it out, and save yourself a long wait in the car!

    don't make a tow truck come get you - preferably thursday before the festival even starts, you should make sure you have a full tank of gas. sitting in traffic at the festival can eat up your gas. you DEFINITELY don't want to run out and have to wait for someone to bring you gas. also, be sure you have checked the pressure of your tires and that they have air. don't leave things running so that your battery dies. and for god's sake, park in a designated area. you don't want to be stuck in soft dirt or a ditch at the end of the night.

    because failure to do any of these things may mean you have to wait hours to get your car towed. and once the tow truck gets there, it means they will be blocking the exit and prevent all your fellow festival goers from leaving.
    Quote Originally Posted by malcolmjamalawesome View Post
    It's when we discuss Coachella that we are at our collective dipshittiest.

  4. #4
    Coachella Junkie Aurgasm's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    Bring your hovercraft

    lets face it, it can get rough in the tents. How to avoid the clusterfuck? HOVERCRAFT! Just be sure not to block the view of the sound and video guys and you're good to go!
    Rhythm is a dancer.

  5. #5
    Wheelchair Epidemic hawkingvsreeve's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    General Concert Etiquette:

    Don't be a fucking douchebag.

    Look, there are a lot of people. These are popular bands at a popular festival, and you likely came with some friends. Want to avoid getting separated at sets you are catching together? Plan. Have a meeting spot. Text each other, because calls do not work, as if you can hear anything over the noise bleed anyway.

    Do you only plan on watching part of a particular set because you have another to get to? Hang near the back and avoid having to make a hand holding chain with your friends that I am going to break because you are being a douchebag. Keep an eye out for pre-existing traffic lanes leaving sets, don't barrel your way out of there like you are trying to escape a tsunami.

    Backpacks:

    Oh for the love of fuck. Look I know you want to have your chapstick and your jacket and a place to hold a couple water bottles and whatever else you feel is necessary for this thing but seriously. Seriously. You don't need to cram your backpack that you used to climb K2 full of unnecessary shit. One, YOU have to carry all that crap around all day in the desert heat, and two, it makes you a fucking douchebag. When you wear it leaving a set, you hit everyone you pass with that fucking thing, and if I am included, I swear to fuck I will punch your girlfriend in the face. When you leave a set with your North Face nonsense, hold it at your side as you pass people. Say excuse me. Smile. Say thank you.

    OMG This is like totally my favorite band and I am showing up 15 minutes late to the set but I absolutely NEED to be in the front OMG:

    You know what? No. Fuck you. Fuck. You. We all showed up on time to watch this, and you are dragging 5 of your vapid whore friends through all of us giggling with your fucking feathers in your hair as if dressing like a Native American was in some way shape or form a fashion statement that any of us can get behind. Want to be in the front? Get there early. How early? Halfway through the set before. "BUT OMG I WANT TO SEE THE OTHER SHITTY BAND I LIKE AT THAT EXACT SAME TIMMMMMMMME." Life's tough. Sacrifices have to be made. Perhaps if you had spent more time planning your sets out and less time playing slutty Indian this wouldn't be so difficult for you.
    Quote Originally Posted by obzen View Post
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    Coachella Junkie rage patton's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    I fucking love you, Brandon.
    Quote Originally Posted by bmack86 View Post
    And it's been long established that Chris hates fun.

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    MENACING Courtney's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    This is nice and all, but sort of pointless. People who go to the trouble of reading this thread aren't the problem.

  8. #8
    old school indietron's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    Awesome thread. Thanks Playa!

  9. #9
    Wheelchair Epidemic hawkingvsreeve's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    THANKS COURTNEY SEE YOU THERE
    Quote Originally Posted by obzen View Post
    Giant. Fucking. Bjork. Buttons.
    last.fm

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    Coachella Junkie nathanfairchild's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    Quote Originally Posted by hawkingvsreeve View Post

    OMG This is like totally my favorite band and I am showing up 15 minutes late to the set but I absolutely NEED to be in the front OMG:

    You know what? No. Fuck you. Fuck. You. We all showed up on time to watch this, and you are dragging 5 of your vapid whore friends through all of us giggling with your fucking feathers in your hair as if dressing like a Native American was in some way shape or form a fashion statement that any of us can get behind. Want to be in the front? Get there early. How early? Halfway through the set before. "BUT OMG I WANT TO SEE THE OTHER SHITTY BAND I LIKE AT THAT EXACT SAME TIMMMMMMMME." Life's tough. Sacrifices have to be made. Perhaps if you had spent more time planning your sets out and less time playing slutty Indian this wouldn't be so difficult for you.
    bravo
    April 22 - Thee Silver Mt. Zion Memorial
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  11. #11
    MENACING Courtney's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    Hey, one less person to cause clusterfuck. Consider yourself lucky.

  12. #12
    Beefy Soft Taco TommyboyUNM's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    Quote Originally Posted by hawkingvsreeve View Post
    Backpacks:

    Oh for the love of fuck. Look I know you want to have your chapstick and your jacket and a place to hold a couple water bottles and whatever else you feel is necessary for this thing but seriously. Seriously. You don't need to cram your backpack that you used to climb K2 full of unnecessary shit. One, YOU have to carry all that crap around all day in the desert heat, and two, it makes you a fucking douchebag. When you wear it leaving a set, you hit everyone you pass with that fucking thing, and if I am included, I swear to fuck I will punch your girlfriend in the face. When you leave a set with your North Face nonsense, hold it at your side as you pass people. Say excuse me. Smile. Say thank you.
    I'm bringing in my backpack, so everyone will just have to deal with it. I carry it low and to the side when I'm in a crowd. I don't want to be bothered with walking to a locker every time I need to change camera batteries, take a couple of Aleve, or grab a Nutri-Grain bar. And my backpack is great, it doesn't even feel like I'm wearing anything so it's no trouble at all.

    Also, I don't give a shit if I'm holding up the security line because of it. You all will just have to wait.

  13. #13
    Wheelchair Epidemic hawkingvsreeve's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    Every day spent without you is misery.


    Edit:

    Dammit Tommy move your post I am trying to get some.
    Quote Originally Posted by obzen View Post
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    last.fm

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    Member Tandemind's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    Quote Originally Posted by Courtney View Post
    This is nice and all, but sort of pointless. People who go to the trouble of reading this thread aren't the problem.
    Very true.

    But now everyone who reads this thread will know that punching the douchebag's girlfriend in the face is ok.

  15. #15
    cat hoarder rskapcat's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    Everything Brandon said. And I will punch YOU while he punches your girlfriend.
    My name is Becca. Hi.

    Facebook, yo.
    Quote Originally Posted by SoulDischarge View Post
    If it was supposed to be a joke, there'd be a cat in the picture somewhere. That's how you can tell, on the internet.

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    Coachella Junkie Aurgasm's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    Quote Originally Posted by Courtney View Post
    This is nice and all, but sort of pointless. People who go to the trouble of reading this thread aren't the problem.
    Exactly
    Rhythm is a dancer.

  17. #17
    old school Fourthisto's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    Quote Originally Posted by hawkingvsreeve View Post
    OMG This is like totally my favorite band and I am showing up 15 minutes late to the set but I absolutely NEED to be in the front OMG:

    You know what? No. Fuck you. Fuck. You. We all showed up on time to watch this, and you are dragging 5 of your vapid whore friends through all of us giggling with your fucking feathers in your hair as if dressing like a Native American was in some way shape or form a fashion statement that any of us can get behind. Want to be in the front? Get there early. How early? Halfway through the set before. "BUT OMG I WANT TO SEE THE OTHER SHITTY BAND I LIKE AT THAT EXACT SAME TIMMMMMMMME." Life's tough. Sacrifices have to be made. Perhaps if you had spent more time planning your sets out and less time playing slutty Indian this wouldn't be so difficult for you.
    Virtual high five, dude!

  18. #18
    Pedley Rocks JustSteve's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    Quote Originally Posted by PlayaDelWes View Post
    Please share tips on how we can make this awesome festival that much more efficient!

    Parking:

    [INDENT]Don’t talk to the parking attendants! Sure, you got to the wrong lot, or you want to park near a friend, or have some other moronic question for them, but there is no need to have a conversation of any length with the person waving you into the parking lot. There is an empty parking lot ahead of you and a steady stream of cars behind you, just waiting to get in.
    you forgot to mention one other fact. for the most part the only thing they know to do is wave the flag and park your car. they do not know the layout of the parking lots, where the entrance is, etc.

  19. #19
    old school gmoneyak's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    Don't stink, wear deodorant.

    Preferably anti-persiperant so I don't have rub up against your slimy arms when you're jumping around like a lunatic during a love ballad.
    Last edited by gmoneyak; 04-04-2011 at 12:28 PM.

  20. #20
    business time tessalasset's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    I miss you, B. See you in 10 days!


    Quote Originally Posted by Ardentbiscuit View Post
    This is the equivalent of musical water boarding.

  21. #21

    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    Quote Originally Posted by hawkingvsreeve View Post
    General Concert Etiquette:

    OMG This is like totally my favorite band and I am showing up 15 minutes late to the set but I absolutely NEED to be in the front OMG:

    You know what? No. Fuck you. Fuck. You. We all showed up on time to watch this, and you are dragging 5 of your vapid whore friends through all of us giggling with your fucking feathers in your hair as if dressing like a Native American was in some way shape or form a fashion statement that any of us can get behind. Want to be in the front? Get there early. How early? Halfway through the set before. "BUT OMG I WANT TO SEE THE OTHER SHITTY BAND I LIKE AT THAT EXACT SAME TIMMMMMMMME." Life's tough. Sacrifices have to be made. Perhaps if you had spent more time planning your sets out and less time playing slutty Indian this wouldn't be so difficult for you.
    you are the voice of a generation.
    Quote Originally Posted by elChurro View Post
    Perry lives beneath the polo grounds. A ritual must be performed for his awakening but only after a band/dj/performance art cancellation.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mammoth85 View Post
    Perhaps an appropriate conversation starter would have been: "pardon me sir, would you mind taking your finger out of your girlfriends asshole? We're trying to enjoy LCD Soundsystem."

  22. #22

    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    Quote Originally Posted by hawkingvsreeve View Post
    OMG This is like totally my favorite band and I am showing up 15 minutes late to the set but I absolutely NEED to be in the front OMG:

    You know what? No. Fuck you. Fuck. You. We all showed up on time to watch this, and you are dragging 5 of your vapid whore friends through all of us giggling with your fucking feathers in your hair as if dressing like a Native American was in some way shape or form a fashion statement that any of us can get behind. Want to be in the front? Get there early. How early? Halfway through the set before. "BUT OMG I WANT TO SEE THE OTHER SHITTY BAND I LIKE AT THAT EXACT SAME TIMMMMMMMME." Life's tough. Sacrifices have to be made. Perhaps if you had spent more time planning your sets out and less time playing slutty Indian this wouldn't be so difficult for you.
    This is the most intelligent thing that has ever been posted on the internet.

  23. #23
    Member BeaverCat's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    Quote Originally Posted by hawkingvsreeve View Post
    General Concert Etiquette:


    OMG This is like totally my favorite band and I am showing up 15 minutes late to the set but I absolutely NEED to be in the front OMG:

    You know what? No. Fuck you. Fuck. You. We all showed up on time to watch this, and you are dragging 5 of your vapid whore friends through all of us giggling with your fucking feathers in your hair as if dressing like a Native American was in some way shape or form a fashion statement that any of us can get behind. Want to be in the front? Get there early. How early? Halfway through the set before. "BUT OMG I WANT TO SEE THE OTHER SHITTY BAND I LIKE AT THAT EXACT SAME TIMMMMMMMME." Life's tough. Sacrifices have to be made. Perhaps if you had spent more time planning your sets out and less time playing slutty Indian this wouldn't be so difficult for you.
    I can totally relate to this. I've been perfecting my "karate chop to the jugular" attack move just for this type of scenario.
    When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.

  24. #24
    Coachella Junkie PlayaDelWes's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    Visit Will-Call during their totally awesome extended hours, NOT mid-day Friday. If you get in super late Thursday Night, lucky you, they are open until 2. And if you want to beat the crowds on Friday morning, swing by at 8am.

    Last edited by PlayaDelWes; 04-04-2011 at 12:51 PM.
    Friday: Aloe Blacc, ZZ Ward, Caravan Palace, MS MR, Bastille, OutKast, Grouplove, Kate Nash, HAIM, Jagwar Ma, Tom Odell, Neko Case
    Saturday
    : Chvrches, Lorde, ,Foxygen, The Naked and Famous, Pharrell Williams, Muse, Empire of the Sun, Bombay Bicycle Club, Pet Shop Boys, Saints of Valory, Temples
    Sunday: Arcade Fire, Lana Del Rey, Frank Turner, John Newman, J Roddy Walston and the Business, Superchunk, STRFKR, Neutral Milk Hotel

  25. #25
    Wheelchair Epidemic hawkingvsreeve's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    HOES ON MY DICK CAUSE I LOOK LIKE JESUS
    Quote Originally Posted by obzen View Post
    Giant. Fucking. Bjork. Buttons.
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  26. #26
    old school
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    the nina, OH, the Pinta, OH, the santa maria, OH, I'll do you in the bottom while your drinking sangria
    Lick an orange, it tastes like an orange. Lick a pineapple, it tastes like a pineapple. Go ahead, try it. Try some more. The strawberries taste like strawberries. The snozzberries taste like snozzberries! We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams. Come along, come along.

  27. #27
    Wheelchair Epidemic hawkingvsreeve's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    Can we please meet this year? Please?
    Quote Originally Posted by obzen View Post
    Giant. Fucking. Bjork. Buttons.
    last.fm

  28. #28
    old school
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    of course we can
    Lick an orange, it tastes like an orange. Lick a pineapple, it tastes like a pineapple. Go ahead, try it. Try some more. The strawberries taste like strawberries. The snozzberries taste like snozzberries! We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams. Come along, come along.

  29. #29
    The Bionic Listener Theijuiel's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    Quote Originally Posted by gmoneyak View Post
    Don't stink, wear deodorant.

    Preferably anti-persiperant so I don't have rub up against your slimy arms when you're jumping around like a lunatic during a love ballad.
    Fuck antiperspirant, I'm not putting aluminum under my arms. But other than that, yes, please wear deodorant.
    "Give me women, wine and snuff
    Until I cry out 'hold, enough!"
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  30. #30
    old school clumsy342's Avatar
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    Default Re: YOU TOO CAN HELP AVOID THE CLUSTERFUCK

    Quote Originally Posted by hawkingvsreeve View Post
    Perhaps if you had spent less time playing slutty Indian this wouldn't be so difficult for you.
    LMAO


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