Shut the Fuck Up, Canary: Tabulating Societal Horsemen

[chairmenmeow47]

(lovingly cut into the shape of a Star Wars ship)

WANT

[TomAz]

Horseman #19: Chicago School Bans Homemade Lunches

Chicago. Chicago Chicago Chicago. You're doing the wrong thing and your children are going to shrivel and die. They're going to eat your tan-painted saltlicks every day and dissolve and fester writhing in your clammy palms with the kind of roiling melty skinbubbling imagery you'd read in a Roald Dahl book about salting slugs for fun and profit. What the fuck is wrong with you. What the shitfucking fuckshit is wrong with you people. You can't pack lunch for your kid. You can't pack LUNCH for your KID. How about worry the fuck about the education side of things and I make the parenting decisions for the many, many children I have in the Chicago school district. This is not your call. This is not up to you so why don't you and your tater tots back your goddamn Sears-Tower-building oversized-silver-townsquare-bean-having burlesque-strutting can-canning short-A-distorting micromanagers off of my lovingly packed bento.

This is slightly misleading. It's just one small school. One principal made the decision for one school, not the entire city.

[Hannahrain]

That's why the title is singular. Don't tell me I can't yell at Chicago for a mistake happening within it.

[Still-ill]

Horseman #53: Biodegradable Shoes

Is this some sort of ecoterrorist ploy to keep used shoes from getting to homeless people? Frostbite as population control? And it's going to be really awesome when you suffer a natural disaster and your only remaining belongings start to biodegrade beneath your hazard-weathering feet. How's that flood? How's that fucking tsunami runup now? How's wandering around underneath every set of powerlines because you don't know where to stand to buy drugs. How the fuck is that. How's your class-discriminating, anti-disaster-preparedness narc footwear treating you.

Thomas Pynchon wants his shit back.

[obzen]

Dude was a master horseman... guess it doesn't help when Chinook's are bearing down on your compound.

Osama...






























do it.

[Hannahrain]

Horseman #22: Random Beheadings.

Somebody ran into a supermarket yesterday, beheaded a random woman, and ran off holding the bloodied head by the hair. No rhyme. No reason. No relation. Just some lady. You're already going to die every time you kiss your grubby little Jayne Mansfield vignetted 4x6 goodbye and crawl out from your cement bunker for another gunnysack's worth of root vegetables. But now, even if by some miracle you should manage to safely traverse the pendulous ropes course that is not dying every fucking time you step outside your residence and actually get to experience the metallic reassurance of the delicate there-will-be-no-bloodbath-today door chime that alerts a store's staff to your presence, you're running a risk of malicious decapitation. She was random. I'm random and you're random. Both our mothers are random. We have random decapitations now. Lock your doors.

[M Sparks]

To be fair, this was in the Canary Islands. I don't trust any of those resort islands "paradises" where the third world is on the other side of a wall. The only thing worse than living in poverty is living in poverty next to rich people cavorting.

[Hannahrain]

To be fair, he fucking ran into a supermarket and cut a lady's head off while screaming about meting out justice for God. To be fair.

[Hannahrain]

Local media reports said the suspect left the store shouting "I am God's avenger and I come to mete out justice."

To be fair.

[Drinkey McDrinkerstein]

if she didn't want her head cut off she shouldn't have been dressed that way

[M Sparks]

Do you really think God has time to do it all itself?

What if it comes out that this woman has, like 300 children buried in her back yard?

[weeklymix]

Yeah but she probably doesn't otherwise "God's" avenger would have just been the law.

[JustSteve]

if she didn't want her head cut off she shouldn't have been dressed that way

oh no he di'int.

[SoulDischarge]

Sigh. No one ever got decapitated at my job.

[Hannahrain]

Do you really think God has time to do it all itself?

What if it comes out that this woman has, like 300 children buried in her back yard?

No amount of Klan rallying or baby raping or hipster headdress wearing would make this not a random act of malicious decapitation. It could have been Bin Laden by some crazy coincidence and it'd still be just as off-putting.

[Wheres the beef?]

Clean up. Aisle 6.

[weeklymix]

Horseman #666: Whitney Cummings' Sitcom Picked Up By NBC & CBS Picks Up A Completely Different Sitcom Created By Whitney Cummings

Jesus Motherfucking Christ are you kidding me? This is disgusting.

[SoulDischarge]

Who is this woman and why should I hate her?

[MissingPerson]

Re: The Canary Islands decapitation. They're pretty integrated resorts, as such goes, and to be fair, the decapitator guy was a homeless Bulgarian with long history of psychiatric illness and public order problems with the local police.

[weeklymix]

Who is this woman and why should I hate her?

She's a watered down version of Lisa Lampanelli that looks better in a bikini only because you're comparing her to Lisa Lampanelli. Got her start on Punk'd and has been sucking Denis Leary's dick since then. The most unfunny piece of shit on the planet and networks like her because she's a heterosexual comedienne that doesn't completely look like Hagrid.

[Hannahrain]

Horseman #6: The Dental Assistant Asked Me What Pandora Station I Wanted and When I Said How About Bob Dylan She Said "What Does He Sing?"

The dental assistant asked me what Pandora station I wanted and when I said how about Bob Dylan, she said "What does he sing?" and then she put power tools in my mouth and I let her and then she said "okay, so it's kinda bluesy." This woman is running around mouthtooling people like nothing's wrong.

BOB DYLAN WHAT DOES HE SING

[Wheres the beef?]

He's a DJ.

[Hannahrain]

Drew Barrymore's releasing her own personal wine. Won't be long now.

[Drinkey McDrinkerstein]

"A fan of crisp, fruity white wines, Barrymore has created a wine that reflects her style and personality: fresh, dynamic and fun," the Wilson Daniels website says

[bobert]

I think this might qualify for a write-up.

129068820-09100754.jpg

A Chicken McNugget bearing a striking resemblance to founding father George Washington is still on the auction block and can be yours -- assuming you have about $8,000 lying around.

[TomAz]

BOB DYLAN WHAT DOES HE SING

8 months later and I finally see this. Jesus.

[Hannahrain]

I LET HER PUT TOOLS IN MY MOUTH.

[Hannahrain]

I think this might qualify for a write-up.

Attachment 5038

A Chicken McNugget bearing a striking resemblance to founding father George Washington is still on the auction block and can be yours -- assuming you have about $8,000 lying around.

I can't do this one. I just encountered this sentence:

She later decided to put the McNugget on the auction block and let the market have its way with her tasty gem.

and I'm running out of dry heave. You may compose your own as an endorsed guest panelist just this once if you like.

[Hannahrain]

Horseman #52: "Jayden" Fourth Most Popular Name For Boys Born in 2011

I wonder if the meth scabs hinder the surgeon's ability to convincingly stitch things back up after a harrowing delivery.

[TomAz]

google 'Jayden Jaymes'. nsfw.