Shut the Fuck Up, Canary: Tabulating Societal Horsemen

[Hannahrain]

Horseman #84: Beverage Pretension

What's that? You don't drink cheap beer? Oh, unless it's dollar beer night. Or if someone else is paying. Or if there's a game on, right? That makes sense, though. Because every cultural highground needs a game-day exception and a someone else's tab exception and a dollar beer night exception, yeah? It's fine, refusing to drink cheap beer except when you don't refuse to drink it makes you really interesting, so I get why you wouldn't want to compromise your strict adherence to that code. I don't want to make waves, maybe we should just grab a coffee? There's a Starbucks on the corner right there. We could…oh. No, I don't think it's run by barefoot Hondurans. Wait, milk their own soy? Is that even a real process? I don't think that's a real thing. It is? You do? I didn't even know you could get a bachelor's degree in soy. Oh, a certificate. Well, that makes a little more sense. Still, the other place is two miles away, don't you think we should just go here? Well, they might have agave nectar. Shut up, your larynx won't swell shut if they don't. Seriously? Seriously? Man, that's a crazy fucking allergy. Maybe we should just go grab a bottle of wine. Any preference? Oh. Oh, that much preference. And nothing else will do, huh? That larynx of yours sure is delicate, you terrible terrible fucking person you.


Horseman #37: Nano Shoots Video

Of fucking course it does. Of. Fucking. Course. It. Does.

[Hannahrain]

#48: Wisconsin

WisconsinWisconsinWisconsin Wisconsin Wisconsin Wisconsin Wisconsin Wisconsin Wisconsin Wisconsin Wisconsin Wisconsin Wisconsin Wisconsin Wisconsin Wisconsin Wisconsin Wisconsin Wisconsin Wisconsin Wisconsin Wisconsin Wisconsin Wisconsin Wisconsin. It looks like a brand of crackers now.

[M Sparks]

I don't know what you are talking about, but that first one is great.

[chairmenmeow47]

i wish i could post a video of maria bamford and her "i'd like a cup of boiling hot water with ice poured into my hands" bit.

[M Sparks]

Congratulations, Hannah.

[guedita]

It's pretty obvious what she is talking about, Marc. You'll find yourself soon enough.

[PotVsKtl]

Do one about biodegradable shoes.

[Hannahrain]

Horseman #53: Biodegradable Shoes

Is this some sort of ecoterrorist ploy to keep used shoes from getting to homeless people? Frostbite as population control? And it's going to be really awesome when you suffer a natural disaster and your only remaining belongings start to biodegrade beneath your hazard-weathering feet. How's that flood? How's that fucking tsunami runup now? How's wandering around underneath every set of powerlines because you don't know where to stand to buy drugs. How the fuck is that. How's your class-discriminating, anti-disaster-preparedness narc footwear treating you.

[PotVsKtl]

[BlackSwan]

Moustache?

[jackstraw94086]

non-homogenized milk.

[Devin the Dude]

Racist UCLA girls!

[Hannahrain]

Horseman # 56: Papal Presence on Facebook

Hey everybody. Hey everybody? Hey. Everybody. I know you're all super-jazzed to play a rousing, bloody game of Mafia Wars Weekend-At-Bernie's-style against the spasming reanimated corpse of Don John Paul Dos, but when the Vatican starts utilizing your social media trend, it's time for you to jump ship. Do you understand that you're basically out in the club in a hot little one-sleeve number right now sucking down a vodka Redbull (no ice) next to a pack of pious cardinals as they desperately scan the peeking midriffs of dancefloor hot-or-not photowhores for a glimpse of visible stretchmarks so they know which ones to follow home post-bacchanalia for the highest chances of a little-league score? The party is over when popes show up, everyone. It's time to pack up and go home.

[nationocean]

in. love. with. these.

continue

[Hannahrain]

Horseman #29: Apparently We Don't Want Christian Longo's Organs On Principle

Hey court system? When a man strangles half his family and stuffs them into suitcases and drowns the other half in weighted cartoon-character pillowcases, his organs are the only valuable thing about him. You parcel out that still-living pallid sack of oversized pores and rancid gutrot with a corroded melonballer and distribute the viscera to anybody who needs or wants a piece, and then you tan the hide and tack it up on the saloon wall for barflies to practice their dart game and their ability to humiliate an effigy through wardrobe decisions. You're proving no points. You don't refuse to cut this motherfucker up on the grounds that you don't want to "appease" his donation wishes, you find ways to cut him up extra. But instead you're keeping him sitting on death row while he leeches resources and demands publicity. No. Stop doing that. Kill him back, and do it harder. People need those.

[Hannahrain]

Horseman #17: Why Are You Wearing Those Shoes With the Toes Molded In the Front, Oh God Why Are You Wearing Those

Your feet look like they fell off an animatronic monkey the future invented to help it sell sporting equipment.

[Devin the Dude]

Your signature is praiseworthy.

[obzen]

Look at these videotapes, walkin' back and forth grabbin' your nuts like the Planet of the Apes.

[Hannahrain]

Horseman #47: Cheezburger Network Buys Know Your Meme in Seven Figure Deal

These aren't real things. This isn't fucking Toontown. I don't want to open my goddamn mailbox to find "You can haz 0% APR!" emblazoned on an envelope above a little plastic window. Don't blend these worlds. You don't belong here. You're not a thing. This is our real economy. We keep our real money here. This isn't catplay label funtime area, this is actual fucking money area that has actual impact on our actual lives and futures and legacies and the welfare of our families. Cheezburger Network. You are named Cheezburger Network. Cheezburger fucking Network. No. Stop it. How can this be a thing when it isn't anything. You're not a thing when you aren't anything. You are the worst thing. This is the worst thing. What is going on here, jesus fucking fuck what is going on here. This is like fake news I would make up to pretend you're anything that matters as some sort of mediocre comedy laugh. How are you the news. How are we supposed to trust our money to operate in an economy that formally acknowledges "Cheezburger Network" as anything other than something two children call themselves when they draw dials on the front of a cutout cardboard box and talk behind it.

[J~$$$$]

No fucking way. Canvas will make Christopher Poole a ton of money then.


Memes are worth legitimate dollars? goddamn internet.

[Hannahrain]

And the money will never even have to exist in the physical world. Nothing has to exist anymore, apparently.

[J~$$$$]

Im not ready to live in the machine. I still need to order clean underwear from amazon.

[canexplain]

i wish i could post a video of maria bamford and her "i'd like a cup of boiling hot water with ice poured into my hands" bit.

Somewhat off topic:

On the news today: The pain of heartbreak releases the same chemicals as pouring hot coffee on your arm. Cr****

[TomAz]

Im not ready to live in the machine. I still need to order clean underwear from amazon.

oh! thanks for the reminder.

[Hannahrain]

Horseman #93: ABC Family Presents My Future Boyfriend


So. Barry Watson, huh?

[M Sparks]

Sara Rue, first all that wasted comedic potential, now your boobs are vanishing.

[vogina]

My head just exploded.

[Hannahrain]

Horseface #24: Cindy Jackson

"That's absolutely true, I'm messing with nature. But that's what people do. We redirect water - we call it plumbing. That's not natural."

Hi, Cindy Jackson. I guess you're the world record holder for plastic surgery. That's pretty awesome, yeah? You've spent a lifetime and an inheritance trying to perfect your face to live up to your dead father's exacting standards. I'm sorry your father disapproved of you, I am. But you know what? There's a proper way to deal with that. You become funny or interesting or skilled or otherwise valuable to society. You don't sink hundreds of thousands of dollars into the gradual solidification of your own flesh chasing yesterday's theoretical whore ideal. When you die you won't decompose fully and the future's archaeologists will think they've opened a tupperware full of doll parts when they inadvertently shovel-crack your bedizened pageant casket at a dig site. Touching your face probably feels like thumbrubbing a biblical sheep's bladder canteen filled with the contents of an unpopular third-grader's rock tumbler. You know your dad? That one you want to impress so badly? He's dead. He's like, super dead right now. And he'll still be dead when you follow suit and the coroner unwraps your waxen Tussaud flesh in one piece like a mini Babybel. And there will be cheese inside. And he still won't love you. He doesn't even love you when you're cheese. You're probably not pretty enough yet. Calf implants?

[Hannahrain]

Horseman #19: Chicago School Bans Homemade Lunches

Chicago. Chicago Chicago Chicago. You're doing the wrong thing and your children are going to shrivel and die. They're going to eat your tan-painted saltlicks every day and dissolve and fester writhing in your clammy palms with the kind of roiling melty skinbubbling imagery you'd read in a Roald Dahl book about salting slugs for fun and profit. What the fuck is wrong with you. What the shitfucking fuckshit is wrong with you people. You can't pack lunch for your kid. You can't pack LUNCH for your KID. How about worry the fuck about the education side of things and I make the parenting decisions for the many, many children I have in the Chicago school district. This is not your call. This is not up to you so why don't you and your tater tots back your goddamn Sears-Tower-building oversized-silver-townsquare-bean-having burlesque-strutting can-canning short-A-distorting micromanagers off of my lovingly packed bento.

[full on idle]

http://www.coachella.com/forum/showthread.php?t=37041