The Gays* Only Thread

[sbessiso]

Fellow Coachella gays, help a brother out. I haven't heard from this *guy* in a week. Is that an acceptable time? Should I worry that he's not interested anymore? Should I call him? Am I just being neurotic? Forgive me CMB, I have the flu and i've been kind of loopy and delirious all week.


*but really all are welcome. except PotVsKtl.

[frazzles]

So what you meant to say Salah was "The everything but not gay men thread"?

[RageAgainstTheAoki]

Depends. What's his shoe size?







Also? You're going to have to provide more details and background than that if you want some real advice.

[sbessiso]

We met about a month ago, on xmas eve and it went really well and he came over on xmas day too. We've seen each other a couple other times since then and each time I feel like it goes better and better. Most recently was last friday where we had our first *sleepover* (not the first time we've had sex), there was couch snuggling and movie watching at first and he whispered sweet nothings in my ear like "I really missed you" and "im really happy youre here" blah blah blah

Usually there would be some text conversation going on but I havent heard from him which is whats making me neurotic. Oh and I texted him a couple days ago to no response.

[gaypalmsprings]

We need details. Is he already in a relationship? Have you checked his background? Is he straight or gay? Is there an age difference?

[RageAgainstTheAoki]

Well, maybe things got a little too hot and heavy for him right off the bat. When you say you're texting him, tell me you're not using the "L" word. I mean if one of you thinks this is approaching bf territory and the other thinks it's barely an fb situation, then you're going to have problems. Are you both on the same page about what "this" is?

If/when he gets back in contact, don't get upset or angry just tell him that you enjoy spending time with him and you want to keep seeing him. Also tell him that communication is important to you. Don't make it seem like you need to know what he's doing at every hour of the day, but let him know that hearing back from him is important to you.

If he doesn't get back in contact, then count yourself lucky, you probably dodged a bullet. There's also the possibility that he's familiar with the principle of least interest. But then you're dealing with a manipulative character.

[StegoDee]

I say give him a call. It's been a week and he seems interested. I don't think it could hurt.

[sbessiso]

Well, maybe things got a little too hot and heavy for him right off the bat. When you say you're texting him, tell me you're not using the "L" word. I mean if one of you thinks this is approaching bf territory and the other thinks it's barely an fb situation, then you're going to have problems. Are you both on the same page about what "this" is?

If/when he gets back in contact, don't get upset or angry just tell him that you enjoy spending time with him and you want to keep seeing him. Also tell him that communication is important to you. Don't make it seem like you need to know what he's doing at every hour of the day, but let him know that hearing back from him is important to you.

If he doesn't get back in contact, then count yourself lucky, you probably dodged a bullet. There's also the possibility that he's familiar with the principle of least interest. But then you're dealing with a manipulative character.

The L word? Are you kidding me? No fucking way! But you have a point about being on the same page. Im in no hurry to go and adopt some dogs with him or anything, but I do feel like theres potential here which is exactly why Im asking for the advice. I definitely dont wanna force anything and like for things to happen naturally and organically.

You dont know me in person but let me tell you im not that kind of guy that needs to know what someone is doing at all times, and to say to his face "ohhh why havent you called meee" (thats for me to talk about in private and on the messageboard!) I wouldnt be devastated if this ends up nowhere, but like I said theres potential here.

oh yeah, lets just say shoe size is REALLY BIG

[Stickjohn]

Forgive me CMB, I have the flu and i've been kind of loopy and delirious all week.

Don't under estimate the impact of this on your mood.
Take care of yourself!

[fatbastard]

Friend of the gheys not welcomed? FAIL!

[RageAgainstTheAoki]

Well if you do call him, make it one call and that's it. Then you cut him off. Ball will be in his court. Good luck!!!

[SoulDischarge]

Im in no hurry to go and adopt some dogs with him or anything

Haaaa.



Meanwhile, I still have no idea how to meet anyone that is anything near compatible with me that isn't: a.) already committed b.) hundreds of miles away c.) straight or d.) all of the above. I'm nearly 25 and figured I'd have gotten some grasp of this gay thing by now but nothing. I think I'm just going to end up some lonely old hag with too many cats.

Also, do any of you go about advertising yourself as gay in any way? I guess for some people it's really obvious, but no one ever assumes I'm gay until I tell them, even after they (casually) know me for a really long time and I feel like there's no way for anyone that would be interested (even just on a friendly non-romance/sex level) to figure it out. It just seems to weird to bring it up out of the blue.

[edbangme]

Haaaa.



Meanwhile, I still have no idea how to meet anyone that is anything near compatible with me that isn't: a.) already committed b.) hundreds of miles away c.) straight or d.) all of the above. I'm nearly 25 and figured I'd have gotten some grasp of this gay thing by now but nothing. I think I'm just going to end up some lonely old hag with too many cats.

Also, do any of you go about advertising yourself as gay in any way? I guess for some people it's really obvious, but no one ever assumes I'm gay until I tell them, even after they (casually) know me for a really long time and I feel like there's no way for anyone that would be interested (even just on a friendly non-romance/sex level) to figure it out. It just seems to weird to bring it up out of the blue.

story of my fucking life

[CellarOwl]

Friend of the gheys not welcomed? FAIL!

Agreed. Now if only the gays knew what that kind of discrimination felt like.

[darkjustice]

Friend of the gheys not welcomed? FAIL!

yea...wtf?

[SoulDischarge]

Friends not allowed. "Friends" more than welcome.

[edbangme]

I had a crush on this guy for a long time and he was straight (or so I thought) and we hung out a lot as friends and stuff. Then the other night he comes out to me and says that he has feelings for me and that he has never been with a guy before. The next day his parents fly him out to a Cali rehab center for 2 months because they found some weed in his room. He has no phone to use and can't use the internet. fml

[RageAgainstTheAoki]

JESUS CHRIST, GAYS.

When I saw this thread title this morning I was hoping for something more along the lines of Tallulah Bankhead quotes, BUTT Magazine article discussions, Golden Girls pub trivia, pictures of Owen Pallett's finer attributes, clips like this...



You boys know this, but there's no one-size-fits all solution. This all seems obvious and you've probably already done it, but here you go. And, yeah, I'm going to the damn bullet points. Layoff me, will ya?

• Get yourself up on a few of the 3,721 and counting gay dating/friendship/civil partnership/sugar daddy/hookup sites.
  
  
• If you're finding yourself surrounded by straight friends, make an effort to meet some gay friends; there are tons of sites on which you can do that as well. That's often how you're going to meet other gay dudes outside of the regular social institutions like schools, offices and macramae clubs -- throught gay friends.
  
  
• Got an LGBT Center nearby? Volunteer. They always need volunteers. You can also try other LGBt organizations like marriage equality orgs, LGBT youth orgs, suicide prevention orgs etc. You'll meet some really lovely, good-hearted gays that way. Some of them aren't bad looking either. I met my ex while volunteering at the same org.
  
  
• Athletic? Join a gay softball, football, kickball league. Tons of them out there.
  
  
• Sing? Join a local gay choir. Lots of diversity in those choirs.
  
  
• Take chances. Grab that gbff or good girfriend and hit up that gay bar or club you've been too nervous to visit because all the other gays in there are smarter, cuter, in better shape, more charming, funnier than you and you'll never fit in. Give it a shot. Okay, you may never meet anyone there, but you'll get better at socializing with your fellow 'mos.
  
  
• Stop with the straight boys. Stop it. Step away from the "bicurious" boy. Not every gay boy is a nelly. You can find a homosexual man who likes to go camping, doesn't listen to Gaga and knows how to play football -- he's out there. All you're doing here is putting yourself in situations doomed to fail.
  
  
• And, of course, make you the best version of yourself you can. It's okay to show vulnerability, but there are few things as attractive as confidence.
  
  

[SoulDischarge]

• Get yourself up on a few of the 3,721 and counting gay dating/friendship/civil partnership/sugar daddy/hookup sites.
  
  
• If you're finding yourself surrounded by straight friends, make an effort to meet some gay friends; there are tons of sites on which you can do that as well. That's often how you're going to meet other gay dudes outside of the regular social institutions like schools, offices and macramae clubs -- throught gay friends.
  
  
• Got an LGBT Center nearby? Volunteer. They always need volunteers. You can also try other LGBt organizations like marriage equality orgs, LGBT youth orgs, suicide prevention orgs etc. You'll meet some really lovely, good-hearted gays that way. Some of them aren't bad looking either. I met my ex while volunteering at the same org.
  
  
• Athletic? Join a gay softball, football, kickball league. Tons of them out there.
  
  
• Sing? Join a local gay choir. Lots of diversity in those choirs.
  
  
• Take chances. Grab that gbff or good girfriend and hit up that gay bar or club you've been too nervous to visit because all the other gays in there are smarter, cuter, in better shape, more charming, funnier than you and you'll never fit in. Give it a shot. Okay, you may never meet anyone there, but you'll get better at socializing with your fellow 'mos.
  
  
• Stop with the straight boys. Stop it. Step away from the "bicurious" boy. Not every gay boy is a nelly. You can find a homosexual man who likes to go camping, doesn't listen to Gaga and knows how to play football -- he's out there. All you're doing here is putting yourself in situations doomed to fail.
  
  
• And, of course, make you the best version of yourself you can. It's okay to show vulnerability, but there are few things as attractive as confidence.
  
  

Hey, you layoff. I've never had a boyfriend or anything even going past casual fuck buddy and it's getting old.

I'm on several social networking/dating sites and often make the first awkward move and reach out to people and either get rejected, strung along and then given the cold shoulder, or nothing just ever comes from it. There's only so many people on there and the more I cruise those sites, the more lonely I end up feeling. There's so few guys on there that are anything like me at all, and even fewer that are interested in someone like me. And I really do put myself out there, although not in a desperate sort o way. If I see someone I like, I send them a message and try to strike up a conversation and all I ever get is a casual "Thanks." or whatever which means they're polite but not interested. Are there any dating sites for fat, hairy hipster misanthropes who are interested in the same?

I have a hard time making gay friends, I think mostly because the majority of my interests fall outside the realm of typical mainstream gay culture. Really, I have trouble making friends at all. I'm not an outgoing, extroverted person. I crave the company of others, but am very awkward and shy around people I don't know, and have a hard time exerting my desire to hang out with people when we're just casual acquaintances. I would love to make more gay friends, but I very rarely come across ones that have a similar set of interests or a compatible sensibility. And the ones I do make friends with tend to live hundreds of miles away.

The volunteering thing is probably a good idea but I have this slight social phobia and lack of motivation that prevents me from getting involved with anything. I really wish I had at least one friend to stuff like that with me so I feel less petrified, but I don't.

I'm not athletic and athletic guys don't really interest me (although I'm sure there's exceptions).

I don't sing and choir type guys don't really interest me (although I'm sure there's exceptions).

I've done the gay bar thing. Over and over again. I fucking hate it. I really do. It's ok if you have someone to go with you, but I never do. I always go by myself, spend too much money on drinks, don't talk to anyone because they're all clustered up together or just don't seem like my type in any sense, and end up going home depressed and dejected. They almost all play music I hate, or in the case of bear bars, no one actually dances if by some rare act of god there's a song worth dancing to. The drinks are overpriced. The whole scene just sucks and I've spent years doing it. Furthermore, I simply can't afford to go out very often these days, so when I do, I'd rather go somewhere that has something I'm interested in going on than just a gay bar because that's how I'm supposed to meet guys.

And as far as straight guys go, it's not like I have a straight guy fetish or anything. I don't purposely chase after straight guys. It's just that the majority of the guy I end up like happen to be straight because homos are in the minority and a lot of them just aren't what I'm after. If there were more hip, funny, sardonic, chubby, scruffy, partying, intelligent, relatively masculine, laid back, non-catty, non-Gaga worshipping gay boys out there, I wouldn't have to fall for straight guys. I wish I didn't constantly end up with crushes on straight friends, co-workers, classmates, acquaintances, whatever. I know you have to settle and compromise and can't be so picky and etcetcetc, but I feel like 97% of the gay guys I meet aren't even living in the same world I am. There's nothing wrong with them, I don't want everyone to be like me, but I would like to find a few more people who have at least somewhat of a similar sensibility.

I guess I probably come off as pretty insecure here, but I actually do think I'm worthwhile and a decent catch. I don't see my dating problems as some fundamental flaw in myself that I need to obsess and worry about. I'm comfortable with my appearance more or less, much more so than a good number of gay guys. I'm pretty ok with who I am despite some issues that have more to do with depression/bi-polar stuff I got passed down to me. I realize it just ends up being a matter of being a rare breed and not having the selection a number of people enjoy. It could be way worse. I could have a scat fetish or something like that. But it gets to be a little dispiriting from time to time.

Thanks for actually trying to be positive and helpful. I probably shouldn't bring my emotional baggage to the message board, but I count some of the people on here as some of my closest friends even though I only see them once or twice a year if I'm lucky, and I just don't really have much else of an outlet to rant about this kind of stuff. We can go back to talking about Showgirls and disco and assless chaps soon.

[RageAgainstTheAoki]

I had a crush on this guy for a long time and he was straight (or so I thought) and we hung out a lot as friends and stuff. Then the other night he comes out to me and says that he has feelings for me and that he has never been with a guy before. The next day his parents fly him out to a Cali rehab center for 2 months because they found some weed in his room. He has no phone to use and can't use the internet. fml

^ This is really sweet, edbangme. Is writing him a snail mail letter a possibility? If so, do that but don't put any of the "gay" deets in there; a rehab center may be screening his mail, especially if he's under 18. Just make sure it comes from a friend and not from a potential bf. You don't want to out the poor guy to his parents without his consent. If writing directly isn't a possibility, do you know his parents at all? Maybe you can give the letter to them to deliver it? Or even just ask them to pass on a message from you; you could say it's from you and your friends if you're worried about making it too lovey-dovey. Keep it simple; just a message of support and wishing him well from a friend. Depending upon what his parents are like that, simply may not be a possibility so you may just have to wait for his return. While you're waiting... make him a mix cd (do kids still own CD players?) or if you're a bit artistic write him a poem, paint him something. Or just plan a fun, relaxed, no pressure day to share with him when he gets back. A day where you two can just hang out together and do things he enjoys. If he really has feelings for you, they'll still be there when he gets back. Just let him know that you care and that you thought of him while he was away. Oh, and, drink lots of pineapple juice in the week leading up to his return.

Thanks for actually trying to be positive and helpful. I probably shouldn't bring my emotional baggage to the message board, but I count some of the people on here as some of my closest friends even though I only see them once or twice a year if I'm lucky, and I just don't really have much else of an outlet to rant about this kind of stuff. We can go back to talking about Showgirls and disco and assless chaps soon.

Hey mister, it takes a good deal of courage to speak so candidly and openly; especially on a forum where you actually know some of these people. Thanks for recognizing that I was just trying to be helpful and not trying to give you a brow beating. I'm probably not a regular on here and certainly don't know any of you in 'real' life, but from reading your posts I can tell you that you come across as a very funny, sharp witted, clever and passionate person. Those are all very attractive qualities. If you can use the written word to get those lovely qualities across, you can use the spoken word as well. Seriously, you can. It's such a cliche, but it's a true one. Making another guy laugh or offering him a stimulating discussion is just plain SEXY.

I mean, this...?

Are there any dating sites for fat, hairy hipster misanthropes who are interested in the same?

HILARIOUS.


You're in Chicago, right?

• LGBT Volunteer opportunities.
• Gay male speed dating opportunities in February and March.
• Chicago Gay & Lesbian Film Festival (these types of fests usually need volunteers; you're gonna meet some interesting cinephile gays here!)
• Got a community college nearby? Enroll in an LGBT/queer literature class. You might meet an erudite gay.

[DANCE MAGIC]

So, I'm straight, and therefore unwelcome in this thread, but I just thought this:

it takes a good deal of courage to speak so candidly and openly; especially on a forum

and I wanted to applaud you guys for being so supportive and awesome in this thread so far. It's too bad that this kind of attitude doesn't really exist in most of this messageboard, or really, in life more often. A lot of the advice in here isn't necessarily specific to gay relationships, and I think what some of you guys are saying is just generally good life advice. Like this:

I have a hard time making gay friends, I think mostly because the majority of my interests fall outside the realm of typical mainstream gay culture. Really, I have trouble making friends at all. I'm not an outgoing, extroverted person. I crave the company of others, but am very awkward and shy around people I don't know, and have a hard time exerting my desire to hang out with people when we're just casual acquaintances. I would love to make more gay friends, but I very rarely come across ones that have a similar set of interests or a compatible sensibility. And the ones I do make friends with tend to live hundreds of miles away.

I think that's a problem that everyone faces. Being gay likely makes it more difficult, but I think the same thing would be true of someone that was in a wheelchair or didn't have an arm or something. Not that being gay is a handicap or something, but it definitely changes social situations and presents its own unique set of challenges.

Anyway, you guys are awesome and thanks for being so supportive. It reflects well on humanity in general.

[sbessiso]

Yes, I really wanna thank you guys for opening up and sharing. I was kicking myself this morning for starting what I thought was a ridiculous thread that everyone was going to give me shit for but I needed some advice. By the looks of it im not the only one.

RageAgainstTheAoki, you are wonderful.

[Courtney]

Salah, I agree with RageAgainstTheAoki. If you call, make it only one call. If he doesn't pick up, leave a short message, and then the ball is in his court.

Patrick, the volunteering this is really good advice. I tend to be terrified of strangers, but I find that volunteering is good because they give me a job and show me what to do, so it's not like I'm just standing around feeling awkward. And then the conversations can come organically, but you're all there for a greater purpose. Depending on your interests, I would suggest researching something like a LGTBQ film festival or magazine. That way, you're also more likely to meet guys who are smart and have more going on in their lives than just a Lady Gaga obsession. But you live in Chicago, so I'm sure there are plenty of options.

[CrimesceneCookie]

It can be very difficult finding a gay guy that doesn't think being gay means emulating the behavior of a 14 year old girl. Look at the guys on some of the same sites we're on (SoulD)... if you mention any music that isn't Lady Gaga or Cher, they act like you're an alien.
My boyfriend's musical knowledge runs circles around mine and that's the way I like it. If you find someone like that, stalk them until they have no choice but to move in... worked for me.

[sbessiso]

^ This is really sweet, edbangme. Is writing him a snail mail letter a possibility? If so, do that but don't put any of the "gay" deets in there; a rehab center may be screening his mail, especially if he's under 18. Just make sure it comes from a friend and not from a potential bf. You don't want to out the poor guy to his parents without his consent. If writing directly isn't a possibility, do you know his parents at all? Maybe you can give the letter to them to deliver it? Or even just ask them to pass on a message from you; you could say it's from you and your friends if you're worried about making it too lovey-dovey. Keep it simple; just a message of support and wishing him well from a friend. Depending upon what his parents are like that, simply may not be a possibility so you may just have to wait for his return. While you're waiting... make him a mix cd (do kids still own CD players?) or if you're a bit artistic write him a poem, paint him something. Or just plan a fun, relaxed, no pressure day to share with him when he gets back. A day where you two can just hang out together and do things he enjoys. If he really has feelings for you, they'll still be there when he gets back. Just let him know that you care and that you thought of him while he was away. Oh, and, drink lots of pineapple juice in the week leading up to his return.

I think snail mail might definitely be a good idea. Talking to his parents might not be, if they shipped him out to the other side of the country just cuz of some weed then they're probably going to think that any and all of his friends are enablers and bad influences. Gunna have to work on this without their help I think.

Salah, I agree with RageAgainstTheAoki. If you call, make it only one call. If he doesn't pick up, leave a short message, and then the ball is in his court.

I'm nervous

[edbangme]

Thanks for the advice guys pretty sure I'm just gunna have to wait this one out. Consuming pineapple juice for the next 2 months is my best bet haha.

[HunterGather]

The next day his parents fly him out to a Cali rehab center for 2 months because they found some weed in his room.

Oh my. That's a bit extreme.
Wouldn't just a good yelling/grounding/or a good slap suffice?

[edbangme]

Hey, you layoff. I've never had a boyfriend or anything even going past casual fuck buddy and it's getting old.

I'm on several social networking/dating sites and often make the first awkward move and reach out to people and either get rejected, strung along and then given the cold shoulder, or nothing just ever comes from it. There's only so many people on there and the more I cruise those sites, the more lonely I end up feeling. There's so few guys on there that are anything like me at all, and even fewer that are interested in someone like me. And I really do put myself out there, although not in a desperate sort o way. If I see someone I like, I send them a message and try to strike up a conversation and all I ever get is a casual "Thanks." or whatever which means they're polite but not interested. Are there any dating sites for fat, hairy hipster misanthropes who are interested in the same?

I have a hard time making gay friends, I think mostly because the majority of my interests fall outside the realm of typical mainstream gay culture. Really, I have trouble making friends at all. I'm not an outgoing, extroverted person. I crave the company of others, but am very awkward and shy around people I don't know, and have a hard time exerting my desire to hang out with people when we're just casual acquaintances. I would love to make more gay friends, but I very rarely come across ones that have a similar set of interests or a compatible sensibility. And the ones I do make friends with tend to live hundreds of miles away.

The volunteering thing is probably a good idea but I have this slight social phobia and lack of motivation that prevents me from getting involved with anything. I really wish I had at least one friend to stuff like that with me so I feel less petrified, but I don't.

I'm not athletic and athletic guys don't really interest me (although I'm sure there's exceptions).

I don't sing and choir type guys don't really interest me (although I'm sure there's exceptions).

I've done the gay bar thing. Over and over again. I fucking hate it. I really do. It's ok if you have someone to go with you, but I never do. I always go by myself, spend too much money on drinks, don't talk to anyone because they're all clustered up together or just don't seem like my type in any sense, and end up going home depressed and dejected. They almost all play music I hate, or in the case of bear bars, no one actually dances if by some rare act of god there's a song worth dancing to. The drinks are overpriced. The whole scene just sucks and I've spent years doing it. Furthermore, I simply can't afford to go out very often these days, so when I do, I'd rather go somewhere that has something I'm interested in going on than just a gay bar because that's how I'm supposed to meet guys.

And as far as straight guys go, it's not like I have a straight guy fetish or anything. I don't purposely chase after straight guys. It's just that the majority of the guy I end up like happen to be straight because homos are in the minority and a lot of them just aren't what I'm after. If there were more hip, funny, sardonic, chubby, scruffy, partying, intelligent, relatively masculine, laid back, non-catty, non-Gaga worshipping gay boys out there, I wouldn't have to fall for straight guys. I wish I didn't constantly end up with crushes on straight friends, co-workers, classmates, acquaintances, whatever. I know you have to settle and compromise and can't be so picky and etcetcetc, but I feel like 97% of the gay guys I meet aren't even living in the same world I am. There's nothing wrong with them, I don't want everyone to be like me, but I would like to find a few more people who have at least somewhat of a similar sensibility.

I guess I probably come off as pretty insecure here, but I actually do think I'm worthwhile and a decent catch. I don't see my dating problems as some fundamental flaw in myself that I need to obsess and worry about. I'm comfortable with my appearance more or less, much more so than a good number of gay guys. I'm pretty ok with who I am despite some issues that have more to do with depression/bi-polar stuff I got passed down to me. I realize it just ends up being a matter of being a rare breed and not having the selection a number of people enjoy. It could be way worse. I could have a scat fetish or something like that. But it gets to be a little dispiriting from time to time.

Thanks for actually trying to be positive and helpful. I probably shouldn't bring my emotional baggage to the message board, but I count some of the people on here as some of my closest friends even though I only see them once or twice a year if I'm lucky, and I just don't really have much else of an outlet to rant about this kind of stuff. We can go back to talking about Showgirls and disco and assless chaps soon.

Its really hard sometimes, I live in a small city in FL and pretty much all of my friends are straight. I had one boyfriend and looking back I'm pretty sure I hated him lol, we just had nothing in common especially music wise (his favorite band was Evanescense...) and I talked myself into the relationship because I didn't want to be alone anymore. I just have a feeling the right one will come along, stay positive and put yourself out there and be thankful you live in a very large and diverse city!

[edbangme]

Oh my. That's a bit extreme.
Wouldn't just a good yelling/grounding/or a good slap suffice?

yeah a little extreme haha I feel pretty bad for him

[sbessiso]

Yeah one of my best friends lived in Melbourne. Nice place to visit for a weekend. Thats about it.