Greatest Hits

[BlackSwan]

They may be few and far between, but there are still moments of greatness on this board. This will serve as a place to archive these moments to make sure people are aware of them. Be mindful of the length of the exchange you are posting and try to only include what is relevant to highlight its greatness. Obviously, there were many great moments before the creation of this thread, but we are talking about from here on out.

I start with a small exchange that many people probably didn't see due to the thread it was posted in:

Hot Chip
The xx
Fox Theater
Oakland, CA
Friday, April 16th

So that sorta checks out.

Right, welcome to Monday morning...

welcome to three weeks ago would actually be more accurate..

Please compare infodicks elsewhere.

[Gribbz]

really? so these things are legit ehhh? i really cant say no to your offer, id love it if you could forward it to see if it happens to work. i will be in your debt if it pulls through, buy you a beer and a cocktail next year at the show or something to make up for it. i really do appreciate it...

You'd love it, Mr. Nipples? You really do appreciate it? Well then, I would love to be of assistance. Ordinarily, I'd be happy to help an acquaintance out, but the problem here is that you are a mother fucking asshole! After several of my posts you have viciously, angrily and dismissively referred to me as Horse Shit. Except that you like to type it in big bold letters and add several extraneous exclamation points like...
this!!!!

If you were standing before me right now and started to choke on a strand of your vaginal pubic hair, I would have to really think about it before calling 911. I don't care if you're actually a reasonable and well-adjusted person in real life. I don't care if this is just your internet persona of some bored, lonely, desperate, cantankerous imbecile who gets his jollies from talking tough to others who dare issue an opinion you might not agree with. I have no room for negative energy in my life, so I'm going to get it all out in this post.

Listen to me, Nipples. Listen to me closely. I am a nice man. I am cool headed and kind hearted. I was a mother fucking Eagle Scout! I have literally helped little old ladies cross the street. But your bitter, angry, vitriolic attacks on me are making my inner rage burn like the lights of hell.


Hey, I know you're not the board member of the week, but I have some questions for you anyway...

1. I'm asking this first question because when people see me, they know instantly that I am male and never have to hesitate before referring to me with a gendered pronoun, so I'm not sure what life is like for you. How does it feel to look genderless and asexual?
   
   
2. At the checkout, does the bagger generally guess that you're a "ma'am" or a "sir" when asking you if you want paper or plastic for your anal douche and industrial size vat of Haagen-Dazs?
   
   
3. When you and Jamie Lee Curtis meet for your Mother Fucking Hermaphrodites Anonymous meetings, do you eat a lot of Activia and talk about how regular your poop is?
   
   
4. I'm not sure what you do for a living. Probably something in IT or something else that doesn't require you to be socially acceptable. Anyway, let's assume that you're good at what you do and one day you become famous in your field. Are you excited about being regularly featured on the Men Who Look Like Old Mother Fucking Lesbians website?
   
   
5. Are you pro-choice? I assume you are because there's probably a good chance you've tried to impregnate yourself a few times, right? Wouldn't want that genetic afterthought muddling around your dual reproductive systems, would you?
   
   
6. Have you made peace with the fact that you will die alone?
   
   
7. How do you feel about the fact that you make that fat Mexican "man" who posts regularly on this board look like the most masculine thing since Steve McQueen?
   
   
8. Whose cell phone number did you need to look up? Was it your therapist's? Were you trying to figure out where he was vacationing because you finally got the courage to look in the mirror again and were so devastated by what you saw in the mirror?
   
   
9. Can you feel the burn of the mother fucking schadenfreude, you mother fucking asshole? Can you? CAN YOU??
   
   
10. Over the years, have you attempted to heighten or lower the pitch of your voice so that you can pass as one gender? Personally, I'd recommend you just leaving your voice smack dab in the middle and doing your best to pass as a lesbian with really bad camel toe.

Okay, I think that's it for my questions. Sorry for asking so many of them, but this is all so foreign to me. As a I mentioned, I'm a dude. And I look like one, so I have no idea what living with your condition is like. Oh and I fully anticipate the series of retorts I'll receive with comments like "Yeah, you look like a gay dude!" And hilarity will ensue. The thing is, I'm bisexual and besides that I do not care if a mother fucking asexual, inter-sexed loser thinks I might look a little faggy. I and my one male set of genitalia can live with that. Okay, hope you burn in hell forever and, of course, have a great rest of the summer!

Oh, and, if anyone else stumbled into this thread and has a need for this service, please let me know. I would be happy to share this code with anyone else. I really do have a coupon code ($65 value) which will allow you to look up the name of the owner and his/her address. Just don't share it with any hermaphrodites.

Aaaah. That feels much better. Have a nice weekend, everyone!

This exchange was interesting.

[faxman75]

What the fuck is this shit?

Come on Swan, that banter isn't so glorious it needs to be celebrated. Granted there is some great shit every now and again but that's what you kick this off with?

[BlackSwan]

We can have this argument if you would like to lose, Faxman, but I thought we were going to refrain from talking to each other due your inability to logically form thoughts.

[BlackSwan]

This exchange was interesting.

Indeed interesting. HorseTears is a very passionate poster and I would never seen that since I never go into that thread.

[fiyahhh!]

Chad.

[Drinkey McDrinkerstein]

Okay, Dale Gribble wins with his contribution. What the hell thread was that in? that was incredible.

[hawkingvsreeve]

This one.



Edit: I misunderstood, Andrew. Disregard this post.

[PassiveTheory]

Someone mind tracking down and linking the entire quicksand and quicksand's dad thing?

[Cdubby]

this one was cool-

What the fuck is this shit?

Come on Swan, that banter isn't so glorious it needs to be celebrated. Granted there is some great shit every now and again but that's what you kick this off with?

We can have this argument if you would like to lose, Faxman, but I thought we were going to refrain from talking to each other due your inability to logically form thoughts.

[Monklish]

This one.

I wish there was a way to properly quote the whole span of that thread where I wouldn't stop quoting his PMs to me.

[hawkingvsreeve]

Someone mind tracking down and linking the entire quicksand and quicksand's dad thing?

Here ya go.

[faxman75]

We can have this argument if you would like to lose, Faxman, but I thought we were going to refrain from talking to each other due your inability to logically form thoughts.

6.4

[menikmati]

Wasn't there already a thread like this? Yeah...

[MassiveChemicalPunk]

that's not my fucking dad you jack-off. my dad could choke that guy out. my dad used to train with Rich Clementi (UFC) and i train with my dad so i could choke out that cock too if i really wanted to.

"so i could choke out that cock too if i really wanted to."

HAHHAHAHA! YES.

***

What a queer

you know what i mean. you know i'm the shit and could seriously wreck any of you any day i wanted to so back the fuck off.

.....

[Drinkey McDrinkerstein]

wow i forgot how awesome that thread was. This just got an incredible chortle out of me

you guys all started calling me names and i just responded like Gary Busey would.

[greghead]

you know what i mean. you know i'm the shit and could seriously wreck any of you any day i wanted to so back the fuck off.

The best part about this is that quicksand actually posted a post-chella pic of him and his friend in a separate thread. And, as expected, he looks like a scrawny 17-year old in a tie-dyed bandana. I'll see if I can find it.

[JebusLives]

I know this is still pretty current, but I want to preserve it for posterity:

to the girl i boned from new york during killers

when we broke into a vendor food tent, after your brother got pissed but just left us in the sahara.

hit me up on PM.

PS: sorry i didnt go down on you, seriously
PPS: next coachella?

I wish I was boned during the killers

i have no problems alleviating that concern at Coachella '10

EDIT: assuming you are female

Everyone who stuck around for the Killers was boned.

[malcolmjamalawesome]

I like this thread.

[malcolmjamalawesome]

Go ahead and add that comment into greatest hits.

[malcolmjamalawesome]

http://www.coachella.com/forum/showp...&postcount=108

[BlackSwan]

That is fantastic.

[malcolmjamalawesome]

I consider it a greatest hit and Hand Banana's awakening.

[BlackSwan]

I know this is still pretty current, but I want to preserve it for posterity:

No, no, no... Good job, Jebus. This is almost what I am intending here. NEW funny things that happen. Not stuff from a year or two ago. Although quicksand and chad were good ones because those are still referenced every once in a while, and some people didn't see them when they happened. I know I didn't get to see all the quicksand stuff.

[malcolmjamalawesome]

Sorry, misread the thread title.

[betao]

What is the time range of "new" here?

[BlackSwan]

The last year and forward, but use your discretion. Keep an emphasis on the present, and the future.

[nbvcide]

BlackSwan is clearly gay for infodick..

[TomAz]

[Monklish]

Somehow I suspect that thomasq is going to end up getting quoted here soon enough.