f**k my life

[caco0283]

www.fmylife.com

Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML

Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room... my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

[caco0283]

i love this site

Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML

Today, I decided to take a nap. My boyfriend gave me some sleeping pills but I decided last minute not to take them. I woke up to my boyfriend kissing my neck and unbuttoning my shirt. Without opening my eyes, I whispered "ooh this is so romantic." He blurted out shocked, "Oh...you're awake?!" FML

Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "because you can't find a real girl I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML

[captncrzy]

Today, I came home from work and went to open the door. I Iooked in the window and saw a man in my house. Terrified, I called the police. They came, searched the house, and found nothing missing. I went back inside and looked through the window and saw him again. It was my reflection. FML

...

[Tylerdurden31]

if you have an iPhone, I recommend the FML app

[SFChrissy]

Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "because you can't find a real girl I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML

I'm gonna have to archive that one for when my little ones hit puberty...

[seandlr]

i wanted to make a thread about this site

[TeamCoachellaHellYeah]

some of these are depressing....and funny at the same time.

[Hopeless Semantic]

"Today, I met my paternal grandfather for the first time. I've spent the last three months tracking him down. I poured my heart out and told him how much this meant to me. He told me I had a nice Rack and asked for a cigarette. FML"

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. I've been a vegetarian for 4 years, and his mother made lasagna with meat in it. After telling her I don't eat meat, my boyfriend's father proceeds to say, "we know who's meat she does eat." My boyfriend, his mother, and I were standing right there. FML

[JustSteve]

Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt really sick. I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk in to his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive, our mom drove her there. FML

ouch.

Today, this really attractive woman that I've known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she'll have sex with me. I'm confined to a wheelchair. FML

fucking ouch.

[betao]

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops, looks directly at me, and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN!" and proceeds to flip me over, grab his clothes, and run out of my room. FML

Today, my phone started ringing in the other room. I ran to go pick it up, tripped over my coffee table which gashed my leg, and knocked over my brand new 50" LCD TV, which broke over my head. Turns out it was a wrong number. FML

epic.

[betao]

Today, I was playing one on one soccer with a girl like. I accidentally kicked the ball right into her face. The ball rolled back towards me and as I was running to see if she was ok, I kicked the ball... right into her face again. FML

[Hopeless Semantic]

"Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: A mssaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML"

[chairmenmeow47]

my roommate sent this to me a few days ago, but i can't see it at work. FML

[boarderwoozel3]

Pretty sure there's another thread about this but who really cares? This site is out-fucking-standing!

[luckyface]

I just submitted a good one. Let's see if it gets posted.

[betao]

Today, my daughter walked in on me taking a shower. She said, "Hey, yours is the same size as Dylan's!" My daughter has seen Dylan's penis, which apparently is the same size as mine. My daughter and Dylan are 7. FML

win.

[obzen]

i wonder if all this shit is really real-or if there was some kind of impetus,alot of this stuff sounds too pathetic...








...its funny shit though

[beckith]

Today, my friend told the cute waiter it was my birthday. He brought out a dessert with a candle and put a huge sombrero on my head. Everyone at the restaurant started singing me happy birthday. I got embarrassed and put my head down. My sombrero caught on fire. FML

oh gawd, favorite.

[rskapcat]

"Today, my friends and I spent hours on the Disney website playing in Pixie Hollow. We made our own fairies and flew around completing tasks for TinkerBell and her fairy friends. We're in college, and this is how we spent our Saturday night. FML"

My favorite so far.

[samiksha]

aww, when dino made this thread every one hated it

[boarderwoozel3]

Unfortunate.

Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML

[boarderwoozel3]

For. The. Win.

Today, I was on top of my boyfriend having sex and I was looking away doing my thing. When I looked back, my boyfriend had headphones on and was playing air drums. FML

[TomAz]

Some of these sound awfully contrived.

[boarderwoozel3]

The lulz Tom, focus on the lulz.

[Pixiessp]

I almost choked on my spaghetti. This is super funny.

[jdaws]

just heard another fml joke. fml

[karecares]

after the day i've had this was exactly what i needed

[captncrzy]

Today, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. After writing the ticket, he asked me why I was wearing a surgical mask. I told him that swine flu was found in our area and I was scared. He thought that I was insulting him and wrote me another ticket. FML

...

[caco0283]

bump

[caco0283]

Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn't home since I couldn't bare to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML...

wow that sucks