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Thread: f**k my life

  1. #1
    old school caco0283's Avatar
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    Default f**k my life

    www.fmylife.com

    Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML
    Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML
    Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room... my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML
    Quote Originally Posted by Hannahrain View Post
    Your lady's also in for drugs, right? Corinna's guy is in for murder and mine's in for a spree of home invasions. I think you're probably good.


    Quote Originally Posted by Drinkey McDrinkerstein View Post
    I'm pretty sure Ronnie painted that on her, with his dick.

  2. #2
    old school caco0283's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    i love this site

    Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML
    Today, I decided to take a nap. My boyfriend gave me some sleeping pills but I decided last minute not to take them. I woke up to my boyfriend kissing my neck and unbuttoning my shirt. Without opening my eyes, I whispered "ooh this is so romantic." He blurted out shocked, "Oh...you're awake?!" FML
    Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "because you can't find a real girl I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML
    Quote Originally Posted by Hannahrain View Post
    Your lady's also in for drugs, right? Corinna's guy is in for murder and mine's in for a spree of home invasions. I think you're probably good.


    Quote Originally Posted by Drinkey McDrinkerstein View Post
    I'm pretty sure Ronnie painted that on her, with his dick.

  3. #3
    Stage Manager captncrzy's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    Today, I came home from work and went to open the door. I Iooked in the window and saw a man in my house. Terrified, I called the police. They came, searched the house, and found nothing missing. I went back inside and looked through the window and saw him again. It was my reflection. FML
    ...
    Odi profanum vulgus et arceo. I hate the unholy rabble and keep them away - Horace.
    Quote Originally Posted by Drinkey McDrinkerstein View Post
    Arcade FIre are a bunch of dicks, Deadmau5 is a dick, bands are dicks, David Bowie sucks dicks, Daft Punk is two human buttholes with semen for brains (that was loaded into a butthole from a dick that grew out of their moms), we're all dicks that fucked our moms assholes, God is going to put a giant dick down and fuck our mouths

  4. #4
    old school Tylerdurden31's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    if you have an iPhone, I recommend the FML app

  5. #5
    Coachella Junkie SFChrissy's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "because you can't find a real girl I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML
    I'm gonna have to archive that one for when my little ones hit puberty...

  6. #6
    Member seandlr's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    i wanted to make a thread about this site

  7. #7
    Judgy McMarco TeamCoachellaHellYeah's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    some of these are depressing....and funny at the same time.
    Quote Originally Posted by TomAz View Post
    Reviewers who note the size of the crowd are dumb fucks.
    COACHELLA's: 2001. 2002. 2003. 2004. 2005. 2006. 2007. 2008. 2009. 2010. 2011. 2012. 2013. 2014. 2015.

  8. #8
    old school Hopeless Semantic's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    "Today, I met my paternal grandfather for the first time. I've spent the last three months tracking him down. I poured my heart out and told him how much this meant to me. He told me I had a nice Rack and asked for a cigarette. FML"

    Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. I've been a vegetarian for 4 years, and his mother made lasagna with meat in it. After telling her I don't eat meat, my boyfriend's father proceeds to say, "we know who's meat she does eat." My boyfriend, his mother, and I were standing right there. FML
    Last edited by Hopeless Semantic; 04-30-2009 at 10:06 AM.

  9. #9
    Pedley Rocks JustSteve's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt really sick. I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk in to his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive, our mom drove her there. FML
    ouch.

    Today, this really attractive woman that I've known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she'll have sex with me. I'm confined to a wheelchair. FML
    fucking ouch.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops, looks directly at me, and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN!" and proceeds to flip me over, grab his clothes, and run out of my room. FML
    Today, my phone started ringing in the other room. I ran to go pick it up, tripped over my coffee table which gashed my leg, and knocked over my brand new 50" LCD TV, which broke over my head. Turns out it was a wrong number. FML
    epic.

  11. #11
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    Today, I was playing one on one soccer with a girl like. I accidentally kicked the ball right into her face. The ball rolled back towards me and as I was running to see if she was ok, I kicked the ball... right into her face again. FML

  12. #12
    old school Hopeless Semantic's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    "Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: A mssaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML"

  13. #13
    Coachella Junkie chairmenmeow47's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    my roommate sent this to me a few days ago, but i can't see it at work. FML
    Quote Originally Posted by malcolmjamalawesome View Post
    It's when we discuss Coachella that we are at our collective dipshittiest.

  14. #14
    Coachella Junkie boarderwoozel3's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    Pretty sure there's another thread about this but who really cares? This site is out-fucking-standing!

  15. #15
    Coachella Junkie luckyface's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    I just submitted a good one. Let's see if it gets posted.
    For your health

  16. #16
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    Today, my daughter walked in on me taking a shower. She said, "Hey, yours is the same size as Dylan's!" My daughter has seen Dylan's penis, which apparently is the same size as mine. My daughter and Dylan are 7. FML
    win.

  17. #17
    man-homie obzen's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    i wonder if all this shit is really real-or if there was some kind of impetus,alot of this stuff sounds too pathetic...








    ...its funny shit though

  18. #18
    Member beckith's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    Today, my friend told the cute waiter it was my birthday. He brought out a dessert with a candle and put a huge sombrero on my head. Everyone at the restaurant started singing me happy birthday. I got embarrassed and put my head down. My sombrero caught on fire. FML
    oh gawd, favorite.

  19. #19
    cat hoarder rskapcat's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    "Today, my friends and I spent hours on the Disney website playing in Pixie Hollow. We made our own fairies and flew around completing tasks for TinkerBell and her fairy friends. We're in college, and this is how we spent our Saturday night. FML"

    My favorite so far.
    My name is Becca. Hi.

    Facebook, yo.
    Quote Originally Posted by SoulDischarge View Post
    If it was supposed to be a joke, there'd be a cat in the picture somewhere. That's how you can tell, on the internet.

  20. #20
    Member samiksha's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    aww, when dino made this thread every one hated it

  21. #21
    Coachella Junkie boarderwoozel3's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    Unfortunate.

    Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML

  22. #22
    Coachella Junkie boarderwoozel3's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    For. The. Win.
    Today, I was on top of my boyfriend having sex and I was looking away doing my thing. When I looked back, my boyfriend had headphones on and was playing air drums. FML

  23. #23
    Peaceful Oasis TomAz's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    Some of these sound awfully contrived.
    Quote Originally Posted by efrain44 View Post
    Anyone know who the guy in the Cardinals jersey is? I've seen him in pictures on the board and I thought I saw him this year.

  24. #24
    Coachella Junkie boarderwoozel3's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    The lulz Tom, focus on the lulz.

  25. #25
    Coachella Junkie Pixiessp's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    I almost choked on my spaghetti. This is super funny.
    Quote Originally Posted by insbordnat View Post
    If you're in a relationship that causes Ancestry.com to crash, it's probably inappropriate.

  26. #26
    Member jdaws's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    just heard another fml joke. fml

  27. #27
    Member karecares's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    after the day i've had this was exactly what i needed
    ~~~COACHELLA 2007- 2011~~~

    Originally Posted by humanoid
    Coachella is much better enjoyed with a sense of absolute freedom...

  28. #28
    Stage Manager captncrzy's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    Today, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. After writing the ticket, he asked me why I was wearing a surgical mask. I told him that swine flu was found in our area and I was scared. He thought that I was insulting him and wrote me another ticket. FML
    ...
    Odi profanum vulgus et arceo. I hate the unholy rabble and keep them away - Horace.
    Quote Originally Posted by Drinkey McDrinkerstein View Post
    Arcade FIre are a bunch of dicks, Deadmau5 is a dick, bands are dicks, David Bowie sucks dicks, Daft Punk is two human buttholes with semen for brains (that was loaded into a butthole from a dick that grew out of their moms), we're all dicks that fucked our moms assholes, God is going to put a giant dick down and fuck our mouths

  29. #29
    old school caco0283's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    bump
    Last edited by caco0283; 05-11-2009 at 10:32 AM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Hannahrain View Post
    Your lady's also in for drugs, right? Corinna's guy is in for murder and mine's in for a spree of home invasions. I think you're probably good.


    Quote Originally Posted by Drinkey McDrinkerstein View Post
    I'm pretty sure Ronnie painted that on her, with his dick.

  30. #30
    old school caco0283's Avatar
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    Default Re: f**k my life

    Quote Originally Posted by caco0283 View Post
    Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn't home since I couldn't bare to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML...
    wow that sucks
    Quote Originally Posted by Hannahrain View Post
    Your lady's also in for drugs, right? Corinna's guy is in for murder and mine's in for a spree of home invasions. I think you're probably good.


    Quote Originally Posted by Drinkey McDrinkerstein View Post
    I'm pretty sure Ronnie painted that on her, with his dick.

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