Predictions For Next Year's Shitty Headliner Who Shouldn't Be A Headliner

[Phunkevil]

Is MIA still relevant? One hit song like 4 years ago?

[Mr. Fuzz]

Is MIA still relevant? One hit song like 4 years ago?

22 million views in the last 6 months. There is no way they put her back in the Sahara.

[Mr. Fuzz]

My vote is for Cage The Elephant. I actually really love them, but I can see the board complaining about them headlining.

[rmizzle]

Woulnt mind a Wiz Khalifia return, not top bill worthy, but 2nd/3rd line

[Rolwolf]

Last time MIA played Coachella (sub-headlining the Main Stage), she complained about the lack of energy and finished her set by saying, "Next time I'll see y'all back in the tent," before leaving the stage. I don't think she'd come back unless it was in the Sahara.

[lehorne]

Woulnt mind a Wiz Khalifia return, not top bill worthy, but 2nd/3rd line

he was damn good. And people were dancing, smiling, smoking. A pleasant surprise as I only knew a couple songs, okay one, but he kept it going.

[Pumpkinhead33]

Several of these are decidedly non-shitty.

Sorry, I don't actually think any of them are that "shitty" (except Green Day). I could just see them all as being pegged the "weak" headliner of the year.

[mrhand]

My vote is for Cage The Elephant. I actually really love them, but I can see the board complaining about them headlining.

No need to worry about that scenario. Not a headliner. Not even close.

[H_is_O]

he was damn good. And people were dancing, smiling, smoking. A pleasant surprise as I only knew a couple songs, okay one, but he kept it going.

i agree with this statement.

[Mr. Fuzz]

No need to worry about that scenario. Not a headliner. Not even close.

Aloha, Mr. Hand. No one worried about Jack Johnson headlining six months before the festival. Cage the Eleophant has taking the slow climb, just like The Killers and The Black Keys, up the Coachella ladder. It's going to happen and it's going to be magical.

[Mr. Fuzz]

Last time MIA played Coachella (sub-headlining the Main Stage), she complained about the lack of energy and finished her set by saying, "Next time I'll see y'all back in the tent," before leaving the stage. I don't think she'd come back unless it was in the Sahara.

Well, then I doubt that they would book her again. She is way too popular to play in the tent.

[heart cooks brain]

didn't avicii play the tent? he is way more popular than mia these days.

[Phunkevil]

Aloha, Mr. Hand. No one worried about Jack Johnson headlining six months before the festival. Cage the Eleophant has taking the slow climb, just like The Killers and The Black Keys, up the Coachella ladder. It's going to happen and it's going to be magical.

Except Jack Johnson, the Killers, and the Black Keys have sold millions of records and have been popular for quite some time. You're really reaching.

[mrhand]

Aloha, Mr. Hand. No one worried about Jack Johnson headlining six months before the festival. Cage the Eleophant has taking the slow climb, just like The Killers and The Black Keys, up the Coachella ladder. It's going to happen and it's going to be magical.

Much like a little leaguer's mom telling all her friends that her little Jimmy will play in the Major Leagues one day, I appreciate your deluded optimism.

Unfortunately, that slow climb is going to stall a few hundred yards from the base of the mountain and won't reach the headlining peak. Ever.

Keep reaching for the stars though lil slugger.

[Mr. Fuzz]

Well, if I would have turned to you after the Black Keys performance in 2009, on the Coachella main stage, and said, "These guys will be headlining in three years". I guarantee, you would have said that I was dreaming. Especially, after that performance. It was good, but definitely not great. I also saw the Keys the next year at Lolla and even after that performance it would have been hard to believe that they would be headlining any stage, especially the main stage at Lolla.

Looking back, Jack Johnson is still an EPIC FAIL.

[heart cooks brain]

if you saw the black keys in 2010 and didn't think they'd be headlining soon, you weren't paying attention.

[with_cheese]

didn't gotye play a tent? he is way more popular than mia these days.

...

[Mr. Fuzz]

These guys have at least a half dozen singles that have been getting a ton of air play lately. Their live shows are really good. One one more album with a few more hits and these guys are headlining.

Lolla vid of great performance:

[xuclarockerx]

All I ever hear is "Shake Me Down", occasionally they'll throw on Ain't No Rest. I once or twice heard them play Back Against The Wall before the new album, and I maybe heard Aberdeen once.

[Mr. Fuzz]

Shake Me Down
Ain't No Rest
Back Against The Wall
Aberdeen
In one Ear

[Newro7ic]

I don't think I have ever heard a Cage the Elephant song. I couldn't turn on the radio, tv, or go see a movie, without hearing a black keys song. I'm not sure how you are drawing this comparison.

[heart cooks brain]

the comparison is they were both, at one time, bands.

[Mr. Fuzz]

Really? I'm in Vegas and Cage the Elephant and the Black Keys are two of the hottest bands on our radio. I have to assume that it is the same in LA. BTW, I've only ever heard four songs by the Black Keys on the radio (Tighten Up, Howling for You, Lonely Boy, & Gold On the Ceiling).

[rmizzle]

Anyone else fear Vampire Weekend billed way to high. Decent live show, and as lazy get for GV.

[Mr. Fuzz]

Anyone else fear Vampire Weekend billed way to high. Decent live show, and as lazy get for GV.

Yes, I could see them on the second line.

[SmellyBath]

I hope Passion Pit doesn't get overbilled because Gossamer will undoubtedly be over-hyped.

[captncrzy]

[rmizzle]

I hope Passion Pit doesn't get overbilled because Gossamer will undoubtedly be over-hyped.

I get the feeling that 2013 lineup will look very similar to the 2010 2nd/3rd line billings.

[mrhand]

These guys have at least a half dozen singles that have been getting a ton of air play lately. Their live shows are really good. One one more album with a few more hits and these guys are headlining.

When presented with the question of whether a band could possibly headline the next Coachella, answer this question first: Are they currently capable of selling out arenas in America? (bold included for deluded My Morning Jacket fans, italics for deluded Blur/Stone Roses fans)

If the answer is yes, they get over the first (but not the only) wall, and you may proceed with other considerations and variables.

If the answer is no, 98% of the time that is also the answer to the original question, and your quest has ended.

In order to be among that 2% exception, you better be an absolute critical/media darling (Bjork, Portishead, Beck) and possess a significant prestige/rarity factor that makes up for the lack of raw drawing power and popular appeal.

Go ahead and run Cage the Elephant through that gauntlet and see what falls out the other side. (Spoiler alert: Not close to getting over first wall and are nowhere in range of the exception).

[lehorne]

it's a bad band name anyway