Ask Caco for relationship advice

[caco0283]

Dearest Caco,

I've been with the same guy for over a year, and he keeps getting on my nerves. He talks about chicks on a daily basis. When I bitch about it, he says he does it to "keep me on my toes". I have no idea what that's supposed to mean. Sometimes, he says it's cute when I'm jealous, and I explain to him that I'm not upset because I'm jealous that he slapped some tub of lard on the tit, but that I'm upset because he is a moron for putting that much effort into trying to piss me off. Sometimes, it gets on my nerves so much that I slap him accross the head, or hang up on him. He acts like this is completely uncalled for. What in the blue fuck is his problem?

I think your man is gay. Him saying he's trying to keep you on your toes means he doesn't want you on your knees....and what do you do while you're on your knees? Well you certainly don't give him a niplazco (read my first advice if you don't know what that is). When you're on your knees you drink from him like he is the foutain of youth. And any man that wouldn't want his lady to live forever must be gay. Enough said on that...its an issue I'm not going to jump into right now.

Here's what you can do to keep him from do stuff to make you jealous. First you can get a shirt that says my boyfriend has a small penis. On the back of the shirt put his a picture of him crying. This wont backfire...trust me...there isn't a girl that will flirt with a guy if they know right off the back that he has a small penis. Sure size doesn't matter to some women...but they say that cos they are having sex with someone that has a small penis....they would of never had sex with them if they knew before hand he has a small penis. That may be a bit confusing and I'm not allowed to edit so I'll try to help you figure that out....so for example...I wont marry a girl that can't have kids...now if i ended up being married to a girl and I found out she cant have kids afterwards...well I can't complain if I love her. Catch my drift?

Back on topic....after you were the shirt around for awhile guys are going to hit on you and show you their penis....sure its a sympathy flash but hell...if its going to make gay-boy stop trying to make you jealous...deal with it. Now when the gentelman show you their package, slap it around a bit. I would suggest taking one of their numbers because my next step will mostly be the best thing for you....it will ensure you break-up.

The other thing you can do is have a friend (female or male) call you...act like its a male and just have a conversation with them that will make him jealous. If you don't have a friend that will do that....set you cellphone alarm and answer it....just sit there and pretend like you are talking to me....hell give me your number and ill talk dirty to you.

All this in the end will break you two up. First of all your guy is gay (nothing wrong with that except for you have a vagina and gay people dont like those) Second of all, he doesn't deserve you. Any man that slaps a woman on the tit especially with his woman around doesn't deserve you. If it makes him get off and feel better of himself to make you jealous, well make yourself feel better by being with a man that makes other men jealous when they see you in his arms....cos when the day is done he should be lucky to have you

[Stefinitely Maybe]

Caco please give me your advice as soon as possible, the situation remains critical.

[caco0283]

ill be back later to answer more questions.....if you any other ones ask now while i have the time

[kimery08]

i went to vegas for a few days with some friends. i talked to the guy im dating on the last night i was there. i wasnt drunk yet so i know i didnt say anything stupid. ive been trying to hang out with him since ive gotten back and well... he isnt having it. we talked the day i got home. he was out with his friends and said he would call me when he got home so we could meet up. didnt happen. two more days, nothing. am i being an ass for still thinking about him? is he more than likely banging some other chick?

[J~$$$]

Im guessing if you have to ask then yes, if he is not currently then he will be soon.....just my two cents.

[Courtney]

Kim, don't waste your time thinking about him. If he really likes you, he'll make the effort on his own.

[kimery08]

word.

[TomAz]

if he said he'd call you, and then didn't, he's a dick. If he's banging another chick he should man up and just tell you he doesn't want to see you anymore. If he's afraid to do that he's a coward and you're better off without him.

[caco0283]

people hush....don't take their advice you will regret it....ill get to this soon....i just have tons of work at the moment but in a few hours ill have nothing to do cos everything will be rendering and ill get to you

[caco0283]

Dear Caco,

As you may or may not realise, Tuesday was Pancake Day here in England. It's no big deal, but my girlfriend thought it would be nice if we could make pancakes together after work, and I agreed.

However, I ended up going out with a bunch of people from my office instead, and getting incredibly drunk. At about 10pm I remembered it was pancake day, and realised that I was in trouble. So I thought "I know, I'll get all the ingredients and go home and make pancakes for my girlfriend and then she'll forgive me".

So on my way home I went to the store and bought pancake mix, and chocolate sauce, and strawberries, and lemon juice, and ice cream, and so on. A real pancake feast. I had the munchies too, so I was really hungry.

I got home at about 10:30pm and my girlfriend was already in bed. I stormed into the bedroom drunk and turned on all the lights and said "Come on, I'm making you a pancake feast" and then stumbled into the kitchen and started to throw all the ingredients around.

She was annoyed at first but couldn't help but smile, and the pancakes tasted amazing, so she was pretty happy with my efforts. Then she started to laugh at me for being so drunk, and for the fact that I had basically covered the entire kitchen in pancake mix, ice cream, and chocolate sauce. One thing led to another and before I knew it we were having sex on the kitchen counter, and then on the kitchen table, and on the kitchen chairs, and then back in the bedroom.

A successful night, right? OR SO I THOUGHT.

I wake up the next morning and she is totally mad at me and barely speaking to me. She says "you came in late last night and you were totally drunk and made a complete mess of the kitchen"!

I apologise and say that I wanted to surprise her with pancakes and that I thought she had enjoyed the evening, but she is still mad at me. She says "You just wanted drunken sex last night, I could have been anyone!" Then she says "What if you had been on tour last night, getting drunk, and I was some groupie? Would you have fucked her too? How can I trust you?"

(My girlfriend gets paranoid about me being in a band and meeting girls a lot).

So tell me, Caco, what should I do?

Yours gratefullly,

Stef

Well first of all you are going to end up cheating on her...that's with out question. This is what you can do to make yourself feel better about it. While you are rubbing yourself in your groupies coochie you can tape a picture of your girlfriend on the back of her head and on her forhead. That way you are sharing the moment with her. Or if a groupie is going down on you, why not call your girlfriend and tell her about your day. That way you can argue that moments you spent without your gf were innocent.

Also you can do things to groupies that your lady wouldn't let you....like stick it in the butt....if your girly likes that...well stick it in a groupies butt and then in her mouth. If by any chance you get caught you can tell your woman that she should of let you do more nasty acts so you wouldn't have to cheat.

Also remind your gf that she is lucky to have you...she are going to be rich and famous and if she doesn't straighten her acts up she will be masterbaiting to your picture on the cover of Rolling Stone. Remember you are the man of the apartment. Next time you are having sex remind her of this. Ask her who's the man and when she screams your name say back to her "you're god damn right and don't you ever forget that woman"

also make sure she knows that you are allowed to taste other flavors...she isn't....why because you don't want to take a chance of catching anything nasty. You don't know who's been in her. That's just sick. How could you go down on your lady again if you know some other mans cock was up inside her. Also if she gets knocked up, you'll know its yours and not mine.

have fun on tour....i will live my life vicariously through you...so make me proud and do them well

[Stefinitely Maybe]

Thanks Caco, I'm going to print that out and show it to her next time she whines.

[J~$$$]

Wow Caco you made my friday morning. That was excellent.

[caco0283]

not a problem...kimery ill be getting to you soon....its a tough one and i want to make sure i get you the best advice possible....well at least something to laugh it....as i was thinking of your problem and looking out my third eye i saw a cow with a fishing pole....so this should be entertaining

[kimery08]

i look forward to it.
thank you.

[caco0283]

my post on the the JT presale reminding me of this....ill start working on it....sorry i forgot what i was going to say about cows and fishing poles so forgit that whole bit

[gaypalmsprings]

I need some fashion advice

[Caitlin]

BUMP.
Most amazing thread ev4r and a great way to waste time at work.

[suprefan]

Man a month long with no questions. You would think we wouldve been swarming on here before the weekend so we could figure out how to get some action or talk to hotties(male or female).

[Caitlin]

I'd be a lame girl and ask a question I clearly already know the answer to, but i'm still too tired from this past weekend. Haha.

[suprefan]

Well if you are lame you are the prettiest lame girl I know. Yeah I am still tired, luckily I was off from work until tomorrow. I swear I might call in sick the next 2 days so I dont have to go back until next monday.

[caco0283]

suprefan i have some advice for you....just wait till tomorrow though

[chrislasf]

*sets alarm for tomorrow

[Jenniehoo]

Dear Relationship Ronnie,

This past weekend, I was really surprised to find out two of my friends were gay. At least, I think they're gay. Here's my story...

So...I was at this house for Coachella and I had to pee. I went to the back bedroom to use the bathroom - but the door was closed, so I knocked. One of my friends yelled, "don't come in, we're fucking!" I thought to myself, "ha ha...fat chance" - like it was all a joke - but when I opened the door, I saw the two of them close together holding a pie. It really freaked me out. They both looked shocked. The pie was falling apart. My eyes moved from one element of the scene to the next. The ruined pie...the drunken eyes...the pants being fixed...and back through again. I said, "what the fuck are you guys doing in here?" They both blathered on, offering one incoherent explanation after another - but they never offered an actual answer..."WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?"

Are my friends gay? Are they Ronnie?

Sincerely,

Nonplussed in North Hollywood

[chrislasf]

Sweet sweet jesus - I love it when you drink.

Random question Jen....was Hendrix playing during this scenario?

[gaypalmsprings]

mkay, I think str8 men do pies.

[caco0283]

Dear Relationship Ronnie,

This past weekend, I was really surprised to find out two of my friends were gay. At least, I think they're gay. Here's my story...

So...I was at this house for Coachella and I had to pee. I went to the back bedroom to use the bathroom - but the door was closed, so I knocked. One of my friends yelled, "don't come in, we're fucking!" I thought to myself, "ha ha...fat chance" - like it was all a joke - but when I opened the door, I saw the two of them close together holding a pie. It really freaked me out. They both looked shocked. The pie was falling apart. My eyes moved from one element of the scene to the next. The ruined pie...the drunken eyes...the pants being fixed...and back through again. I said, "what the fuck are you guys doing in here?" They both blathered on, offering one incoherent explanation after another - but they never offered an actual answer..."WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?"

Are my friends gay? Are they Ronnie?

Sincerely,

Nonplussed in North Hollywood

Sweet sweet jesus - I love it when you drink.

Random question Jen....was Hendrix playing during this scenario?

omg jennie....you had me on the floor laughing with this one. Clever girl, I don't know how to answer this yet so give me some time

chris...sad enough about 90% of that story is true

[Caitlin]

RONNIE.
I've got one now.
This one, however, requires a serious answer. As serious as you can possibly be anyways.

I met a guy through mutual friends. We did a double date this past Friday and the next night he and I went to a house party and hung out all night. I got wasted, I had a whole bottle of Captain Morgan Tattoo to myself. He drank about the same. We got back to their house and put on a movie. The next thing I remember I woke up completely naked and was laying with him. (This doesn't get x-rated, never fear.) He was a perfect gentlemen. Apparently, I decided it would be a good idea to get naked and pass out that way. No sex. No nothing. That morning we cuddled and he was very sweet. The instant I got home he had already left me a message saying how much fun he had and wanted to see me again.

CUT TO: Yesterday I went out to his place to hang out with him again and watch movies, etc. He's really shy, he found ways of touching me like massaging my hands until he finally had the nerve to carress, cuddle, etc. Throughout the entire day he didn't kiss me, didn't even try. After dinner we laid together and he sat through American Idol for me when he FINALLY made moves to kiss my cheek and forehead before he got the nerve to kiss me. We did that for awhile, there was touching and then...he tried to have sex with me. I stopped him by saying, "I don't think thats a good idea." He stopped, said OK very nervously and then instantly closed up and didn't touch me for the rest of the night.

So did I fuck any future up by turning him down, or is he just embarrassed right now?

[full on idle]

[amyzzz]

I can't wait.

[caco0283]

sorry i havent had the chance to get to these....my love life is just a mess again....so i just dont feel up to it