Get to know your fellow board members....

[Mr. Dylanja]

Who was your biggest surprise (in a good way) at Coachella this year?

[Monklish]

Your answers to my question regarding admired/hated qualities were very telling. Do you simply dislike disingenuous kindness, or kindness in general? And why emotional people? (I don't like overly emotional people, either...but I've never been able to pinpoint why.)

Because emotional people impose their bullshit onto the proceedings of the world. Emotions are inherently illogical processes that cause you to react inappropriately to things unrelated to the actual reason you're emotional. They're self-indulgent, juvenile bullshit that I shouldn't have to put up with. It's all part of the rules to living:

Rule 1: Don't fuck up your own shit.
Rule 2: UNDER ABSOLUTELY NO CIRCUMSTANCES may you fuck up MY shit.
Rule 3: Don't be old hat.
Rule 4: When all else fails... fuck it.

Emotions typically not only violate Rule 1, which is of little concern to me, but tend to get in the way of Rule 2 by forcing me to cater to someone else's bullshit in order to maintain a friendship or what have you. and it's a crock. It's not my responsibility to care that you're emotional and cater to it. It's your responsibility to swallow your fucking emotions and act right.

Who was your biggest surprise (in a good way) at Coachella last year?

Very little about last year was surprising. Roni Size, I guess? Man, last year was lame.

[Monklish]

Followup to rskapcat re: kindness--I've just always been irritated by the "nice" people in a group of friends deciding to include people who suck and are annoying into an occasion because including them is the nice thing to do and even though those people fucking SUCK they're technically "nice" and therefore it's somehow wrong to not want them there. It's bullshit. There are a million shittier things a person can be than just not nice.

[JustSteve]

What is the best meal you have ever had?

[Monklish]

Anthony's Pier 4 up in Boston. Was there for my sister's graduation from Wellesley when I was about 15 or so. Got what would be like a rack of lamb except it was pork, so a rack of pork chops, and just everything was amazing. The fucking rolls would decompress as you opened them they were so fucking fresh. I still have fond taste memories of that night.

[rskapcat]

Band (& its respective fans) that you would take out if given the chance.

[locachica73]

Who was your first famous crush as a kid and what about her (besides breasts) attracted you?

[Monklish]

Band (& its respective fans) that you would take out if given the chance.

That's kinda tough. Mars Volta I suppose. There's no way you can like that shit and not be a dickhead. Plenty of close runner-ups though--MBV, Gogol, Animal Collective, The Killers, MSTRKRFT, lots of bands and assembled fans can die. If you have to lose a couple Malcomjamalawesomes in the process, well, it's a shame but... greater good.

Who was your first famous crush as a kid and what about her (besides breasts) attracted you?

Very first was probably Susan Sarandon in Rocky Horror Picture Show. I think a lot of that is self-explanatory. But breasts were way, way up on the list of reasons.

[Monklish]

I'm beginning to remember why I always abstained from this. The questions are kinda dull. I'm going to start answering in ridiculous form now.

[rskapcat]

Board members you'd like to eliminate in a humane way? Inhumane?

[Pixiessp]

Board members you'd like to eliminate in a humane way? Inhumane?

Ok. Now this is a good question.

[Monklish]

Board members you'd like to eliminate in a humane way? Inhumane?

I don't know that I'd really bother torturing anyone from the board before killing them. Well, except for Supre, 'cause in his case I'd feel kinda hypocritical to let up on the torturing him after years just because he was about to die. But yeah, I'd throw a decent number of people from here into a gas chamber. A couple of people I'm not going to mention for fear that it will draw them into the thread (I think you all know who I mean), Forza, Supre, Kat prob, Pilgrim, Feather just so I could scream "WHERE'S YOUR PLUR NOW?!" while she choked to death on the gas. Then I'd have her poisoned flesh eaten by a pig, which would in turn kill the pig. Also I'd force her to die wearing fucking pants for once.

[zimmy1222]

Is there any future for old fashion values of the past?

[Distorted_Jungle]

Why are you such a disturbed being? How does someone like you have any friends?

last, when people meet you in person are you the giant pussy i imagine or are you just as tough as your internet personality?

[Monklish]

Is there any future for old fashion values of the past?

Absolutely none. The future is a frightening place. 50 percent of the population are atheists and the other 50 percent are religious terrorists of every denomination. No one over the age of 12 has a virgin orifice left from either sex. People don't die anymore thanks to developments in growing replacement organs for anyone with a medical problem. Drugs are all 99.9 percent pure, completely legal, and there's 300 more of them than we know of now. The world population is reset to only 3 billion. Worst of all, I'm still not famous.

[TommyboyUNM]

Have you ever read any books about psychedelics? If so, what would you recommend?

I am going to start "LSD My Problem Child: Reflections on Sacred Drugs, Mysticism and Science" by Albert Hofmann in a few days. Much like religion, the subject fascinates me.

[Monklish]

Why are you such a disturbed being? How does someone like you have any friends?

last, when people meet you in person are you the giant pussy i imagine or are you just as tough as your internet personality?

I'm disturbed because I actually pay attention. Why aren't you? I have friends because I'm highly entertaining, and also because people crave abuse, but mostly because if you have drugs there's always friends to be had.

Most people who actually know me from the board will tell you what you see on here is pretty much what you get in reality, except for the occasional douchebag from Tucson. That's probably the one question I get asked more than anything else.

Also, what the fuck did I say exactly that tickled your asshole so much?

[stuporfly]

If you could punch up the script to a film released during the past five years, which would you choose? Your selection can be a movie you thought was good but not great, a steaming pile of celluloid shit or anything in between.

[Monklish]

Have you ever read any books about psychedelics? If so, what would you recommend?

I am going to start "LSD My Problem Child: Reflections on Sacred Drugs, Mysticism and Science" by Albert Hofmann in a few days. Much like religion, the subject fascinates me.

PiKHAL and TiKHAL are of course the holy grails. Also the Carlos Castaneda books are pretty great when it comes to the subject of bridging the gap between spirituality, metaphysics, and psychedelics. Never read the Hoffman book though.

[rskapcat]

Feather just so I could scream "WHERE'S YOUR PLUR NOW?!" while she choked to death on the gas. Then I'd have her poisoned flesh eaten by a pig, which would in turn kill the pig. Also I'd force her to die wearing fucking pants for once.

*giggle* Thanks for the answers, Randy. I'll post more questions if I think of any worth your time.

[Gribbz]

Who is the worst band you've ever sat through? I'm assuming Ariel Pink had to be one of them.

[Monklish]

If you could punch up the script to a film released during the past five years, which would you choose? Your selection can be a movie you thought was good but not great, a steaming pile of celluloid shit or anything in between.

By "punch up," are we permitting me to completely re-write it? If so, hmm... I really wish I could have gotten my hands on the X-Men franchise. Out of all the potential summer blockbuster superhero movies, the X-Mens and even more so that incredibly terrible Wolverine movie just broke my heart. They had such fantastic storylines in the actual comic books, enemies that were bigger than life and would have made for fantastic sequences of apocalyptic shit going down in a way that was actually character driven instead of just being another Roland Emmerich piece of shit. If they'd let me write the X-Men trilogy it would have made Spiderman look like utter pussy shit.

As far as a real movie and not just a special effects extravaganza... well strange as it sounds because it would be criminal to try and re-write Charlie Kaufmann and would never happen, I think Synecdoche had great concepts that just got ridiculously bogged down in his miserable, melodramatic stuff. Most movie fanatics would consider this notion blasphemous, but it's not so much that I wish I could have actually rewritten it myself as I wish I could have gotten his ear and talked him out of a lot of the bad choices.

I might just be saying that cause I'm having trouble thinking of a lot of examples outside of superhero flicks off the top of my head.

[bobert]

You "can," but it's hardly a proper tit fucking. Real tit fucking involves big, squishy real tits that can be wrapped around your dick so thoroughly that it forms a complete enclosure. Fucking fake tits is basically ramming your dick through a 70 percent enclosure made up of weird oval shapes that won't squish all the way. You can't have your dick enveloped by fake tits.

That's some dark poetry, Randy. Possibly your finest work. I would sig it, but find the practice quite lame, frankly. Quoting people in your signature, that is. Not titty fucking.

[Monklish]

Who is the worst band you've ever sat through? I'm assuming Ariel Pink had to be one of them.

Sleater Kinney at Coach in 06. I was stuck sitting there in the blazing sun with a ton of drugs kicking in because my friends had all abandoned me to "go get water" when in fact they were running as far away from that tuneless shitfest as possible, and I like a dutiful tripping monkey sat there and endured the horrors of the single least musical fucking thing I've ever seen.

[fatbastard]

I just said a small prayer for you to have intense bowel movements. Please don't say negative things about the Feather.

[Pixiessp]

I just said a small prayer for you to have intense bowel movements. Please don't say negative things about the Feather.

This thread is actually quite entertaining today. Keep in mind, I have a fever.

[Monklish]

I just said a small prayer for you to have intense bowel movements. Please don't say negative things about the Feather.

I could use em. I didn't shit for a whole week in the hospital 'cause of the constant dilaudid injections. Which was funny because the perpetually angry, barely intelligible but constantly profane when he was intelligible guy in the other bed in the room was on twice as much dilaudid as me and yet somehow still managed to wake up in the middle of the night uncontrollably shitting his brains out.

It was really quite hilarious, although repugnant, if just for the fact every time he would awake with a shout and a yelp and have to go sprinting to the bathroom, dragging his IV stand along as an after thought, and shitting while running at full speed all the way to the bathroom while screaming "COCKSUCKER!"

[fatbastard]

Please don't tell me there was a stench. I would have died laying in that bed with someone stinking it up right next to me.

[Gribbz]

Sleater Kinney at Coach in 06. I was stuck sitting there in the blazing sun with a ton of drugs kicking in because my friends had all abandoned me to "go get water" when in fact they were running as far away from that tuneless shitfest as possible, and I like a dutiful tripping monkey sat there and endured the horrors of the single least musical fucking thing I've ever seen.

Would you have hated it more if you were sober?

[Monklish]

A STENCH? Are you kidding? I was in an oncology ward and my roommate was a profane, seemingly homeless fellow. It smelled like Death ate vomit and then shat. But it was a good excuse to leave my room, alert the nurses, and then sneak downstairs to get something to drink or a cigarette (for the couple of days I was still sneaking cigarettes). By the time they got done cleaning it smelled like a hospital room.