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Thread: Ask A Douchebag

  1. #91
    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    Quote Originally Posted by Jon Blazed View Post
    tits, ass, or legs
    Tits, but you can fuck all three.

    Quote Originally Posted by gaypalmsprings View Post
    Randouche, when will you propose to Ivy?
    Too late.

    Quote Originally Posted by SoulDischarge View Post
    Gay for pay. How much?
    Depends on what's involved and whether or not they have to come inside me. But I'm known for coining the phrase "Look, you can do whatever you want to me for fifteen minutes for fifteen thousand if nobody ever has to find out."

    Quote Originally Posted by luckyface View Post
    What has been the most traumatizing event of your life? Did this have any impact on you becoming a douche?
    Probably killing my dad, but watching one of my friends get shot in the back of the head from about ten feet away was pretty fun too. I would say it probably had an effect in that it even further crystallized how much the rest of you suck.
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

  2. #92
    old school Somewhat Damaged's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    Mr. Douchebag,

    Does the recent surge in your activity on the board mean that you are no longer among the gainfully employed?

    R
    Quote Originally Posted by canexplain View Post
    I like the Coachella package they sent out this year. we now all have a snail.....cr****
    Quote Originally Posted by HotHamWater View Post
    In 12 more years, that snail will be nice and ready for you to fuck it.

  3. #93
    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    I am very much so employed and making bank, thank you.
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

  4. #94
    Daft Punky Junkie BROKENDOLL's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    Quote Originally Posted by RotationSlimWang View Post
    I am very much so employed and making bank, thank you.
    But, that's what you said the last time...and the time before that, and the time before...
    Long live the rave tent! Die Hippy Scum.

  5. #95
    DJ SallyBear sbessiso's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    $15,000, eh?
    Quote Originally Posted by Wayne Coyne
    People treat Arcade Fire like they're the greatest thing ever and they get away with it.

  6. #96
    Coachella Junkie luckyface's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    Quote Originally Posted by RotationSlimWang View Post
    Probably killing my dad, but watching one of my friends get shot in the back of the head from about ten feet away was pretty fun too. I would say it probably had an effect in that it even further crystallized how much the rest of you suck.
    That is pretty intense.
    For your health

  7. #97
    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    Quote Originally Posted by sbessiso View Post
    $15,000, eh?
    Start saving up.
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

  8. #98
    Beef Supreme Mr.Nipples's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    dear douchebag,

    have you ever freebased your own schmegma?

    love,
    david

  9. #99
    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    That is one of the few things I have not freebased, no.
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

  10. #100
    Beef Supreme Mr.Nipples's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    you just havent really lived randy till you give it a whirl...

  11. #101
    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    I've freebased smegma alright, just not my own.
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

  12. #102
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    Delete.

  13. #103
    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    Rephrase that in the form of a question.
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

  14. #104
    Coachella Junkie boarderwoozel3's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    Mr. Bag,

    What is the difference between a douchebag and a douchenozzle? And are there any other douche derivatives?

    Thanks for clarifying,
    J

  15. #105
    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    Quote Originally Posted by boarderwoozel3 View Post
    Mr. Bag,

    What is the difference between a douchebag and a douchenozzle? And are there any other douche derivatives?

    Thanks for clarifying,
    J
    We're going over well-tread and not particularly funny ground here.

    Quote Originally Posted by stinkbutt View Post
    When you chose the title of this thread why did you choose douchebag over douchenozzle?
    Quote Originally Posted by MissingPerson View Post
    What's your withdrawal plan for Iraq?
    Missed this one. My plan would involve pulling out and C'ing on Iraq's T's.
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

  16. #106
    Coachella Junkie Sushov23's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    How many licks till you get to the center of the pop?

  17. #107
    Coachella Junkie SoulDischarge's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    Douchebag,

    What are the correct answers to get a score on a Unicru personality test that would get you considered for an interview?

    Joey Jismo, age 6.

  18. #108
    Coachella Junkie luckyface's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    Quote Originally Posted by boarderwoozel3 View Post
    Mr. Bag,

    What is the difference between a douchebag and a douchenozzle? And are there any other douche derivatives?

    Thanks for clarifying,
    J
    This thread is starting to limp...

    Quote Originally Posted by Sushov23 View Post
    How many licks till you get to the center of the pop?
    ...And now the legs have been blown off.
    For your health

  19. #109
    Coachella Junkie boarderwoozel3's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    Quote Originally Posted by luckyface View Post
    This thread is starting to limp...



    ...And now the legs have been blown off.

  20. #110
    old school emtgreg's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    hey douchebag,

    the girl i am semi-seeing sincerely wants me to do all sorts of adult recreational chemicals, her suggestion is avoid weed, but the only thing she loves more than lsd and coke is really rough sexx0rz...

    what are your suggestions for a n00b?

    also, is this awesome? y/n
    "It began as a mistake" - Charles Bukowski

    Wanted:
    1. Nachos
    2. Puppies


  21. #111

    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    Randy\Roto

    Im wired all the time thesedays and I need help. I cant find a decent dentist and my girlfriend likes to hang out in totesterone fuelled bars with me amd her girlfiend and make me feel inferior.

    Any Suggestions?
    Quote Originally Posted by MissingPerson View Post
    You'd be surprised just how quickly the edge of your own sanity comes into view.

  22. #112
    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    Quote Originally Posted by SoulDischarge View Post
    Douchebag,

    What are the correct answers to get a score on a Unicru personality test that would get you considered for an interview?

    Joey Jismo, age 6.
    Not familiar with that type of test by name necessarily, but here's the general rule: these tests are designed to weed out people who would try to cheat a personality tests. With the exception of the tests they give to Blockbuster applicants apparently, because my roommate failed his and we discussed his answers in length and it seems Blockbuster wanted to be lied to.

    What they look for is small admissions of guilt--a sign of honesty in questions like "Some days I just don't feel like being nice to people"--and inconsistencies. There's about five to eight different phrasings of the same question spread throughout the test. "Occasionally I don't feel like being nice to people but I try anyway" might come later, then "When I don't feel like being nice everyone should just leave me alone."

    Answer honestly about the fact that work is frustrating but never allow yourself to reveal how anti-social you really are. Don't let trick questions like "I have said something hurtful to a family member" trip you up--everyone has done these things, or so it is assumed.

    Quote Originally Posted by emtgreg View Post
    hey douchebag,

    the girl i am semi-seeing sincerely wants me to do all sorts of adult recreational chemicals, her suggestion is avoid weed, but the only thing she loves more than lsd and coke is really rough sexx0rz...

    what are your suggestions for a n00b?

    also, is this awesome? y/n
    You've never done any drugs? Avoiding weed can be both a good and bad thing. It might mean that she's just not a typical slug-headed California bag of sprout-scented incense, but at the same time the coke alarm suggests she's only into drugs that are emotionally intense. Women drawn--usually uncontrollably so--to emotional intensity are a serious fucking pain in the ass, and the only people who like coke hate themselves. She has some real daddy issues and there's a 75 percent chance that she feels responsible for instigating an instance of what turned into sexual abuse by someone before she was 16. My advice is run like the hills.

    Unless she's really hot/depraved, in which case I recommend you get some coke and some viagra, crush the viagra up and mix it in with the coke and do rails with her until she starts rubbing her clit without noticing, then fuck her like a beast. She'll always wonder how you managed to put such a Superman boning to her and even guys much better at sex than you will fall short. Acid, though, is not remotely conducive to your sexual duties, but find a way to fuck her while she's on it and it's equally mind-shattering.

    Whatever you do though, always pull out. These kind of girls will urge you otherwise, don't fucking trust them. The last thing you want is to have a kid with a coke whore.
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

  23. #113
    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    Quote Originally Posted by clarky123 View Post
    Randy\Roto

    Im wired all the time thesedays and I need help. I cant find a decent dentist and my girlfriend likes to hang out in totesterone fuelled bars with me amd her girlfiend and make me feel inferior.

    Any Suggestions?
    I don't understand how dentistry applies to this circumstance. Aren't you in Britain? Don't you get free health care? Actually, if you're in Britain then you need not explain why you can't find a decent dentist. Perhaps get them all pulled and dentures put in? Or try another country.

    To sleep though you can still use that socialized medicine to acquire some bromazepam or phenobarb or Seconal or something. The DHSS is a marvelous thing.

    Your girlfriend sounds like she's gone beyond the pale. Once a woman allows her friends to mock you to your face it's over--she's fucking somebody else. All you can do now is try your best to take to heart that maturity is nothing more than the measure of how well you handle the inevitable nature of goodbye. So after you get the Seconal, roofie her and her friend and film pr0ns of them.

    4. PROFIT!!!
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

  24. #114
    old school Somewhat Damaged's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    Quote Originally Posted by RotationSlimWang View Post
    I am very much so employed and making bank, thank you.
    Good, glad to hear it.

    So when is it okay to speak in the third person? And can doing so indicate a fractured personality even if dissociative identity disorder and schizophrenia have been ruled out as afflictions?

    Last night in bed, Jennifer said I kicked her really hard in the shin. It was so hard that it woke her up and she asked me, "What's wrong?" She says I replied, "Nothing," though I don't recall the exchange. She opened her eyes and saw a little boy, almost an apparition, sitting on my shoulder. She blinked and looked again but he was no longer there. My questions are: do you believe in ghosts? Could this mean I'm haunted? If so, do you believe this would be a viable defense in the event that I did something truly abominable (like, claim that I'm possessed and not always in charge of my faculties)? Or was her mind simply playing tricks on her?
    Quote Originally Posted by canexplain View Post
    I like the Coachella package they sent out this year. we now all have a snail.....cr****
    Quote Originally Posted by HotHamWater View Post
    In 12 more years, that snail will be nice and ready for you to fuck it.

  25. #115
    Member Astrid's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    is it best to tell someone you are getting involved with that you are in love with someone else? or wait for them to figure it out themselves?

    normally i wouldnt give a fuck, but i actually care about this person....which horribly complicates the whole not giving a shit routine i have become so fond of.

  26. #116
    Member apostle2's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    maybe not the best thread to come to with legitimate issues...

  27. #117
    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    Quote Originally Posted by Somewhat Damaged View Post
    Good, glad to hear it.

    So when is it okay to speak in the third person? And can doing so indicate a fractured personality even if dissociative identity disorder and schizophrenia have been ruled out as afflictions?

    Last night in bed, Jennifer said I kicked her really hard in the shin. It was so hard that it woke her up and she asked me, "What's wrong?" She says I replied, "Nothing," though I don't recall the exchange. She opened her eyes and saw a little boy, almost an apparition, sitting on my shoulder. She blinked and looked again but he was no longer there. My questions are: do you believe in ghosts? Could this mean I'm haunted? If so, do you believe this would be a viable defense in the event that I did something truly abominable (like, claim that I'm possessed and not always in charge of my faculties)? Or was her mind simply playing tricks on her?
    Can't really give you a definitive as to whether she actually had an extra sensory moment, but yes I do believe that there is some form of existence after death and to the best of my experience I have verified that they do maintain a connection to the living. The real question is can you think of anyone who might have a strong relation to you who would take the form of a young boy? Could be a stray, which happens but is vastly less relatable or confirmable.

    Quote Originally Posted by Astrid View Post
    is it best to tell someone you are getting involved with that you are in love with someone else? or wait for them to figure it out themselves?

    normally i wouldnt give a fuck, but i actually care about this person....which horribly complicates the whole not giving a shit routine i have become so fond of.
    It's best to not get involved with them. But failing that, fess up that you are still exorcising someone else from your thoughts. Question for yourself: Is this the kind of person who might be able to take your mind off the one you can't have?
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

  28. #118
    Member Astrid's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    Quote Originally Posted by apostle2 View Post
    maybe not the best thread to come to with legitimate issues...
    pshhhhh most honest answer ive received as of yet...

  29. #119
    Member apostle2's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    if I hadn't posted first you would've gotten something to the tune of "Face fuck the both of them"

  30. #120
    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ask A Douchebag

    Valid questions receive valid answers. See, this basic lack of judgment on your part is exactly why no one's asking you any questions. Nobody wants to ask an apostle--apostles are fucking assholes.
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

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