Ask A Douchebag

[RotationSlimWang]

tits, ass, or legs

Tits, but you can fuck all three.

Randouche, when will you propose to Ivy?

Too late.

Gay for pay. How much?

Depends on what's involved and whether or not they have to come inside me. But I'm known for coining the phrase "Look, you can do whatever you want to me for fifteen minutes for fifteen thousand if nobody ever has to find out."

What has been the most traumatizing event of your life? Did this have any impact on you becoming a douche?

Probably killing my dad, but watching one of my friends get shot in the back of the head from about ten feet away was pretty fun too. I would say it probably had an effect in that it even further crystallized how much the rest of you suck.

[Somewhat Damaged]

Mr. Douchebag,

Does the recent surge in your activity on the board mean that you are no longer among the gainfully employed?

R

[RotationSlimWang]

I am very much so employed and making bank, thank you.

[BROKENDOLL]

I am very much so employed and making bank, thank you.

But, that's what you said the last time...and the time before that, and the time before...

[sbessiso]

$15,000, eh?

[luckyface]

Probably killing my dad, but watching one of my friends get shot in the back of the head from about ten feet away was pretty fun too. I would say it probably had an effect in that it even further crystallized how much the rest of you suck.

That is pretty intense.

[RotationSlimWang]

$15,000, eh?

Start saving up.

[Mr.Nipples]

dear douchebag,

have you ever freebased your own schmegma?

love,
david

[RotationSlimWang]

That is one of the few things I have not freebased, no.

[Mr.Nipples]

you just havent really lived randy till you give it a whirl...

[RotationSlimWang]

I've freebased smegma alright, just not my own.

[PotVsKtl]

Delete.

[RotationSlimWang]

Rephrase that in the form of a question.

[boarderwoozel3]

Mr. Bag,

What is the difference between a douchebag and a douchenozzle? And are there any other douche derivatives?

Thanks for clarifying,
J

[RotationSlimWang]

Mr. Bag,

What is the difference between a douchebag and a douchenozzle? And are there any other douche derivatives?

Thanks for clarifying,
J

We're going over well-tread and not particularly funny ground here.

When you chose the title of this thread why did you choose douchebag over douchenozzle?

What's your withdrawal plan for Iraq?

Missed this one. My plan would involve pulling out and C'ing on Iraq's T's.

[Sushov23]

How many licks till you get to the center of the pop?

[SoulDischarge]

Douchebag,

What are the correct answers to get a score on a Unicru personality test that would get you considered for an interview?

Joey Jismo, age 6.

[luckyface]

Mr. Bag,

What is the difference between a douchebag and a douchenozzle? And are there any other douche derivatives?

Thanks for clarifying,
J

This thread is starting to limp...

How many licks till you get to the center of the pop?

...And now the legs have been blown off.

[boarderwoozel3]

This thread is starting to limp...



...And now the legs have been blown off.

[emtgreg]

hey douchebag,

the girl i am semi-seeing sincerely wants me to do all sorts of adult recreational chemicals, her suggestion is avoid weed, but the only thing she loves more than lsd and coke is really rough sexx0rz...

what are your suggestions for a n00b?

also, is this awesome? y/n

[clarky123]

Randy\Roto

Im wired all the time thesedays and I need help. I cant find a decent dentist and my girlfriend likes to hang out in totesterone fuelled bars with me amd her girlfiend and make me feel inferior.

Any Suggestions?

[RotationSlimWang]

Douchebag,

What are the correct answers to get a score on a Unicru personality test that would get you considered for an interview?

Joey Jismo, age 6.

Not familiar with that type of test by name necessarily, but here's the general rule: these tests are designed to weed out people who would try to cheat a personality tests. With the exception of the tests they give to Blockbuster applicants apparently, because my roommate failed his and we discussed his answers in length and it seems Blockbuster wanted to be lied to.

What they look for is small admissions of guilt--a sign of honesty in questions like "Some days I just don't feel like being nice to people"--and inconsistencies. There's about five to eight different phrasings of the same question spread throughout the test. "Occasionally I don't feel like being nice to people but I try anyway" might come later, then "When I don't feel like being nice everyone should just leave me alone."

Answer honestly about the fact that work is frustrating but never allow yourself to reveal how anti-social you really are. Don't let trick questions like "I have said something hurtful to a family member" trip you up--everyone has done these things, or so it is assumed.

hey douchebag,

the girl i am semi-seeing sincerely wants me to do all sorts of adult recreational chemicals, her suggestion is avoid weed, but the only thing she loves more than lsd and coke is really rough sexx0rz...

what are your suggestions for a n00b?

also, is this awesome? y/n

You've never done any drugs? Avoiding weed can be both a good and bad thing. It might mean that she's just not a typical slug-headed California bag of sprout-scented incense, but at the same time the coke alarm suggests she's only into drugs that are emotionally intense. Women drawn--usually uncontrollably so--to emotional intensity are a serious fucking pain in the ass, and the only people who like coke hate themselves. She has some real daddy issues and there's a 75 percent chance that she feels responsible for instigating an instance of what turned into sexual abuse by someone before she was 16. My advice is run like the hills.

Unless she's really hot/depraved, in which case I recommend you get some coke and some viagra, crush the viagra up and mix it in with the coke and do rails with her until she starts rubbing her clit without noticing, then fuck her like a beast. She'll always wonder how you managed to put such a Superman boning to her and even guys much better at sex than you will fall short. Acid, though, is not remotely conducive to your sexual duties, but find a way to fuck her while she's on it and it's equally mind-shattering.

Whatever you do though, always pull out. These kind of girls will urge you otherwise, don't fucking trust them. The last thing you want is to have a kid with a coke whore.

[RotationSlimWang]

Randy\Roto

Im wired all the time thesedays and I need help. I cant find a decent dentist and my girlfriend likes to hang out in totesterone fuelled bars with me amd her girlfiend and make me feel inferior.

Any Suggestions?

I don't understand how dentistry applies to this circumstance. Aren't you in Britain? Don't you get free health care? Actually, if you're in Britain then you need not explain why you can't find a decent dentist. Perhaps get them all pulled and dentures put in? Or try another country.

To sleep though you can still use that socialized medicine to acquire some bromazepam or phenobarb or Seconal or something. The DHSS is a marvelous thing.

Your girlfriend sounds like she's gone beyond the pale. Once a woman allows her friends to mock you to your face it's over--she's fucking somebody else. All you can do now is try your best to take to heart that maturity is nothing more than the measure of how well you handle the inevitable nature of goodbye. So after you get the Seconal, roofie her and her friend and film pr0ns of them.

4. PROFIT!!!

[Somewhat Damaged]

I am very much so employed and making bank, thank you.

Good, glad to hear it.

So when is it okay to speak in the third person? And can doing so indicate a fractured personality even if dissociative identity disorder and schizophrenia have been ruled out as afflictions?

Last night in bed, Jennifer said I kicked her really hard in the shin. It was so hard that it woke her up and she asked me, "What's wrong?" She says I replied, "Nothing," though I don't recall the exchange. She opened her eyes and saw a little boy, almost an apparition, sitting on my shoulder. She blinked and looked again but he was no longer there. My questions are: do you believe in ghosts? Could this mean I'm haunted? If so, do you believe this would be a viable defense in the event that I did something truly abominable (like, claim that I'm possessed and not always in charge of my faculties)? Or was her mind simply playing tricks on her?

[Astrid]

is it best to tell someone you are getting involved with that you are in love with someone else? or wait for them to figure it out themselves?

normally i wouldnt give a fuck, but i actually care about this person....which horribly complicates the whole not giving a shit routine i have become so fond of.

[apostle2]

maybe not the best thread to come to with legitimate issues...

[RotationSlimWang]

Good, glad to hear it.

So when is it okay to speak in the third person? And can doing so indicate a fractured personality even if dissociative identity disorder and schizophrenia have been ruled out as afflictions?

Last night in bed, Jennifer said I kicked her really hard in the shin. It was so hard that it woke her up and she asked me, "What's wrong?" She says I replied, "Nothing," though I don't recall the exchange. She opened her eyes and saw a little boy, almost an apparition, sitting on my shoulder. She blinked and looked again but he was no longer there. My questions are: do you believe in ghosts? Could this mean I'm haunted? If so, do you believe this would be a viable defense in the event that I did something truly abominable (like, claim that I'm possessed and not always in charge of my faculties)? Or was her mind simply playing tricks on her?

Can't really give you a definitive as to whether she actually had an extra sensory moment, but yes I do believe that there is some form of existence after death and to the best of my experience I have verified that they do maintain a connection to the living. The real question is can you think of anyone who might have a strong relation to you who would take the form of a young boy? Could be a stray, which happens but is vastly less relatable or confirmable.

is it best to tell someone you are getting involved with that you are in love with someone else? or wait for them to figure it out themselves?

normally i wouldnt give a fuck, but i actually care about this person....which horribly complicates the whole not giving a shit routine i have become so fond of.

It's best to not get involved with them. But failing that, fess up that you are still exorcising someone else from your thoughts. Question for yourself: Is this the kind of person who might be able to take your mind off the one you can't have?

[Astrid]

maybe not the best thread to come to with legitimate issues...

pshhhhh most honest answer ive received as of yet...

[apostle2]

if I hadn't posted first you would've gotten something to the tune of "Face fuck the both of them"

[RotationSlimWang]

Valid questions receive valid answers. See, this basic lack of judgment on your part is exactly why no one's asking you any questions. Nobody wants to ask an apostle--apostles are fucking assholes.