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Thread: The 50 States, According to The Onion

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  1. #1
    foof roberto73's Avatar
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    Default The 50 States, According to The Onion

    The Onion just published their world atlas, titled, simply, Our Dumb World. They've assigned each state a new motto. Here they are. Find your home! Share with loved ones! Fun for the whole family!

    The Northeast: Your Forefather's America
    New York: The New York City State
    New Jersey: Demanding People Shove it Up Their Ass Since 1832
    Pennsylvania: Amish-ish Country
    Massachusetts: Covered in Ivy
    Vermont: Clean Air, Flithy People
    Delaware: A Nice First Try
    New Hampshire: A Place for Pricks to Come Look at Leaves
    Connecticut: Home of New York's Other Population
    Rhode Island: Roughly the Size of One Rhode Island
    Maine: L.L. Bean's Living Catalog
    Maryland: On Both Wrong Sides of the Track

    The South: Where the Mistakes of the Past Come Alive
    Florida: The Silent Holocaust
    Alabama: The Last Remaining Slave State
    Mississippi: Learning to Sink
    Georgia: No, Not That Georgia
    Louisiana: America's Low-Water Mark
    Virginia: Virginia Is for Racists
    North Carolina: May Cause Cancer
    Tennessee: Like Hee Haw, but a State
    West Virginia: Country Roads, Take Me Anywhere Else
    South Carolina: The One With the Racist Flag
    Arkansas: Where Second Cousins Are First Wives
    Kentucky: Soaked in Bourbon

    The Midwest: America's Pit Stop
    Illinois: Sprawl of America
    Kansas: In God We Blindly Trust
    Michigan: Closed for Business
    Ohio: America's State
    Missouri: By Mark Twain
    Wisconsin: Clogged Artery of the Heartland
    Iowa: All Farmed Out
    North Dakota: Empty
    Nebraska: America's Roadblock
    Indiana: Spectator State
    South Dakota: Mandatory Vacationland

    The West: A Gift from the Natives
    Texas: Everything Sucks Bigger in Texas
    Arizona: Home of the Grand Hole
    Wyoming: Wranglin' Them Some Gays
    Idaho: Home of the Famous Idaho Iron Ore
    Colorado: High
    Nevada: Where Everyone's a Loser
    Montana: A National Wildman Refuge
    New Mexico: Unexplained
    Utah: Utah's Family Welcomes You
    Oklahoma: A Tumbleweed Passed Through Once

    The Pacific Coast: Otherwise America Would Have Kept Going
    Washington: So Over This Whole "Statehood" Thing
    Oregon: Hardly Making a Difference
    California: At Least it's Sunny

    The Bullshit States: Filling Out the Nation
    Alaska: Needlessly Unspoiled
    Hawaii: Spectacular Balcony View
    Minnesota: Land of 10,000 Retards

    And just so our many board members to the north don't feel left out, here's some info about Canada:

    Facts, Eh?
    Population: 32,484,949 (indoors), 4 (outdoors)
    Capitals: Ottowa, or Toronto, or maybe Montreal
    Meters per square feet: 0.3
    Languages: English (spoken), French (muttered)
    International conflicts: Feelings hurt by the U.S. in 1987
    National Anthem: "O, Canada! (You Sultry Temptress)"
    Leading cause of immigration: Beer runs
    Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young ratio: 25%
    Natural hazards: Patch of ice between Quebec and Ontario
    Environmental concerns: Fucking freezing out there
    Quote Originally Posted by Riggins33 View Post
    Hey rubber toe, it's a message board not a English essay. NERD

  2. #2
    Stage Manager captncrzy's Avatar
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    Default Re: The 50 States, According to The Onion

    I love the Onion

    These are my favs

    Quote Originally Posted by roberto73 View Post


    New Jersey: Demanding People Shove it Up Their Ass Since 1832
    New Hampshire: A Place for Pricks to Come Look at Leaves
    Florida: The Silent Holocaust
    Alabama: The Last Remaining Slave State
    Virginia: Virginia Is for Racists
    North Carolina: May Cause Cancer
    Tennessee: Like Hee Haw, but a State
    South Carolina: The One With the Racist Flag
    Arkansas: Where Second Cousins Are First Wives
    Kansas: In God We Blindly Trust
    Texas: Everything Sucks Bigger in Texas
    Arizona: Home of the Grand Hole
    Wyoming: Wranglin' Them Some Gays
    Nevada: Where Everyone's a Loser
    Minnesota: Land of 10,000 Retards

    And just so our many board members to the north don't feel left out, here's some info about Canada:

    Facts, Eh?
    Population: 32,484,949 (indoors), 4 (outdoors)
    Capitals: Ottowa, or Toronto, or maybe Montreal
    Meters per square feet: 0.3
    Languages: English (spoken), French (muttered)
    International conflicts: Feelings hurt by the U.S. in 1987
    National Anthem: "O, Canada! (You Sultry Temptress)"
    Leading cause of immigration: Beer runs
    Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young ratio: 25%
    Natural hazards: Patch of ice between Quebec and Ontario
    Environmental concerns: Fucking freezing out there
    Odi profanum vulgus et arceo. I hate the unholy rabble and keep them away - Horace.
    Quote Originally Posted by Drinkey McDrinkerstein View Post
    Arcade FIre are a bunch of dicks, Deadmau5 is a dick, bands are dicks, David Bowie sucks dicks, Daft Punk is two human buttholes with semen for brains (that was loaded into a butthole from a dick that grew out of their moms), we're all dicks that fucked our moms assholes, God is going to put a giant dick down and fuck our mouths

  3. #3
    Member theburiedlife's Avatar
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    Default Re: The 50 States, According to The Onion

    My favorites:

    Quote Originally Posted by roberto73 View Post
    Maryland: On Both Wrong Sides of the Track
    Florida: The Silent Holocaust
    Montana: A National Wildman Refuge
    California: At Least it's Sunny
    ...but this one hit home
    Oregon: Hardly Making a Difference
    ouch
    Quote Originally Posted by TeamCoachellaHellYeah View Post
    this is fantastic news...we can all fist ourselves in peace now...
    http://www.last.fm/user/theburydlife

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  4. #4
    Banned marooko's Avatar
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    Default Re: The 50 States, According to The Onion

    im originally from amish-ish country. now living in the state that is at least sunny. thats not saying much for cali. haha.

  5. #5

    Default Re: The 50 States, According to The Onion

    Okay. Someone explain to me-
    Illinois-the sprawl of america.
    Please.I am having a fucktard moment.

  6. #6

    Default Re: The 50 States, According to The Onion

    Wait.New favorite word.
    FUCKTARD!

  7. #7
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    Default Re: The 50 States, According to The Onion

    Environmental concerns: Fucking freezing out there
    classic
    I'm a reasonable man, get off my case.

  8. #8
    Peaceful Oasis TomAz's Avatar
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    Default Re: The 50 States, According to The Onion

    Quote Originally Posted by roberto73 View Post
    Vermont: Clean Air, Flithy People
    Alabama: The Last Remaining Slave State
    Mississippi: Learning to Sink
    Arkansas: Where Second Cousins Are First Wives
    South Dakota: Mandatory Vacationland
    Nevada: Where Everyone's a Loser
    Utah: Utah's Family Welcomes You
    Hawaii: Spectacular Balcony View
    Minnesota: Land of 10,000 Retards

    Languages: English (spoken), French (muttered)
    International conflicts: Feelings hurt by the U.S. in 1987
    Leading cause of immigration: Beer runs
    <->
    Quote Originally Posted by efrain44 View Post
    Anyone know who the guy in the Cardinals jersey is? I've seen him in pictures on the board and I thought I saw him this year.

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