The 50 States, According to The Onion

[roberto73]

The Onion just published their world atlas, titled, simply, Our Dumb World. They've assigned each state a new motto. Here they are. Find your home! Share with loved ones! Fun for the whole family!

The Northeast: Your Forefather's America
New York: The New York City State
New Jersey: Demanding People Shove it Up Their Ass Since 1832
Pennsylvania: Amish-ish Country
Massachusetts: Covered in Ivy
Vermont: Clean Air, Flithy People
Delaware: A Nice First Try
New Hampshire: A Place for Pricks to Come Look at Leaves
Connecticut: Home of New York's Other Population
Rhode Island: Roughly the Size of One Rhode Island
Maine: L.L. Bean's Living Catalog
Maryland: On Both Wrong Sides of the Track

The South: Where the Mistakes of the Past Come Alive
Florida: The Silent Holocaust
Alabama: The Last Remaining Slave State
Mississippi: Learning to Sink
Georgia: No, Not That Georgia
Louisiana: America's Low-Water Mark
Virginia: Virginia Is for Racists
North Carolina: May Cause Cancer
Tennessee: Like Hee Haw, but a State
West Virginia: Country Roads, Take Me Anywhere Else
South Carolina: The One With the Racist Flag
Arkansas: Where Second Cousins Are First Wives
Kentucky: Soaked in Bourbon

The Midwest: America's Pit Stop
Illinois: Sprawl of America
Kansas: In God We Blindly Trust
Michigan: Closed for Business
Ohio: America's State
Missouri: By Mark Twain
Wisconsin: Clogged Artery of the Heartland
Iowa: All Farmed Out
North Dakota: Empty
Nebraska: America's Roadblock
Indiana: Spectator State
South Dakota: Mandatory Vacationland

The West: A Gift from the Natives
Texas: Everything Sucks Bigger in Texas
Arizona: Home of the Grand Hole
Wyoming: Wranglin' Them Some Gays
Idaho: Home of the Famous Idaho Iron Ore
Colorado: High
Nevada: Where Everyone's a Loser
Montana: A National Wildman Refuge
New Mexico: Unexplained
Utah: Utah's Family Welcomes You
Oklahoma: A Tumbleweed Passed Through Once

The Pacific Coast: Otherwise America Would Have Kept Going
Washington: So Over This Whole "Statehood" Thing
Oregon: Hardly Making a Difference
California: At Least it's Sunny

The Bullshit States: Filling Out the Nation
Alaska: Needlessly Unspoiled
Hawaii: Spectacular Balcony View
Minnesota: Land of 10,000 Retards

And just so our many board members to the north don't feel left out, here's some info about Canada:

Facts, Eh?
Population: 32,484,949 (indoors), 4 (outdoors)
Capitals: Ottowa, or Toronto, or maybe Montreal
Meters per square feet: 0.3
Languages: English (spoken), French (muttered)
International conflicts: Feelings hurt by the U.S. in 1987
National Anthem: "O, Canada! (You Sultry Temptress)"
Leading cause of immigration: Beer runs
Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young ratio: 25%
Natural hazards: Patch of ice between Quebec and Ontario
Environmental concerns: Fucking freezing out there

[captncrzy]

I love the Onion

These are my favs

New Jersey: Demanding People Shove it Up Their Ass Since 1832
New Hampshire: A Place for Pricks to Come Look at Leaves
Florida: The Silent Holocaust
Alabama: The Last Remaining Slave State
Virginia: Virginia Is for Racists
North Carolina: May Cause Cancer
Tennessee: Like Hee Haw, but a State
South Carolina: The One With the Racist Flag
Arkansas: Where Second Cousins Are First Wives
Kansas: In God We Blindly Trust
Texas: Everything Sucks Bigger in Texas
Arizona: Home of the Grand Hole
Wyoming: Wranglin' Them Some Gays
Nevada: Where Everyone's a Loser
Minnesota: Land of 10,000 Retards

And just so our many board members to the north don't feel left out, here's some info about Canada:

Facts, Eh?
Population: 32,484,949 (indoors), 4 (outdoors)
Capitals: Ottowa, or Toronto, or maybe Montreal
Meters per square feet: 0.3
Languages: English (spoken), French (muttered)
International conflicts: Feelings hurt by the U.S. in 1987
National Anthem: "O, Canada! (You Sultry Temptress)"
Leading cause of immigration: Beer runs
Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young ratio: 25%
Natural hazards: Patch of ice between Quebec and Ontario
Environmental concerns: Fucking freezing out there

[theburiedlife]

My favorites:

Maryland: On Both Wrong Sides of the Track
Florida: The Silent Holocaust
Montana: A National Wildman Refuge
California: At Least it's Sunny

...but this one hit home

Oregon: Hardly Making a Difference

ouch

[marooko]

im originally from amish-ish country. now living in the state that is at least sunny. thats not saying much for cali. haha.

[goodgrl]

Okay. Someone explain to me-
Illinois-the sprawl of america.
Please.I am having a fucktard moment.

[goodgrl]

Wait.New favorite word.
FUCKTARD!

[bartelby]

Environmental concerns: Fucking freezing out there

classic

[TomAz]

Vermont: Clean Air, Flithy People
Alabama: The Last Remaining Slave State
Mississippi: Learning to Sink
Arkansas: Where Second Cousins Are First Wives
South Dakota: Mandatory Vacationland
Nevada: Where Everyone's a Loser
Utah: Utah's Family Welcomes You
Hawaii: Spectacular Balcony View
Minnesota: Land of 10,000 Retards

Languages: English (spoken), French (muttered)
International conflicts: Feelings hurt by the U.S. in 1987
Leading cause of immigration: Beer runs

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