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Thread: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

  1. #1
    I <3 Fall Out boy Yablonowitz's Avatar
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    Default Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    Thanks to bradfish for showing this to me. I felt it deserved it's own thread in this forum.


    Pitchfork Gives Music 6.8
    The Onion | September 10, 2007 | Issue 43•37


    CHICAGO—Music, a mode of creative expression consisting of sound and silence expressed through time, was given a 6.8 out of 10 rating in an review published Monday on Pitchfork Media, a well-known music-criticism website.


    According to the review, authored by Pitchfork editor in chief Ryan Schreiber, the popular medium that predates the written word shows promise but nonetheless "leaves the listener wanting more."

    "Music's first offering, an eclectic, disparate, but mostly functional compendium of influences from 5000 B.C. to present day, hints that this trend's time may not only have fully arrived, but is already on the wane," Schreiber wrote. "If music has any chance of keeping our interest, it's going to have to move beyond the same palatable but predictable notes, meters, melodies, tonalities, atonalities, timbres, and harmonies."

    Schreiber's semi-favorable review, which begins in earnest after a six-paragraph preamble comprising a long list of baroquely rendered, seemingly unrelated anecdotes peppered with obscure references, summarizes music as a "solid but uninspired effort."

    "Coming in at an exhausting 7,000 years long, music is weighed down by a few too many mid- tempo tunes, most notably 'Liebesträume No. 3 in A flat' by Franz Liszt and 'Closing Time' by '90s alt-rock group Semisonic," Schreiber wrote. "In the end, though music can be brilliant at times, the whole medium comes off as derivative of Pavement."

    While Schreiber concedes that music is still "trying to find its aesthetic," he also claims the form has not yet lived up to the lavish praise heaped on it by pop culture journalist Chuck Klosterman and 19th-century French romantic composer and critic Hector Berlioz, among others.

    Schreiber concludes his critique by calling on music to develop a more cohesive sound in its future releases.

    "We can only hope that [music] will begin to grow with its fans over the next few millennia," Schreiber said. "If it can stick to what it does well, namely the song 'Peg' by Steely Dan, and Tuvan throat singing, then a sophomore effort will indeed be something to get excited about."

    The review has split the music community, with many decrying Pitchfork's lukewarm reception of music as a contrarian move designed to propel the publication's tastemaker status.

    "It's elitism for the sake of elitism," said Rolling Stone senior editor David Fricke, who refuted Pitchfork's middling rating, describing the entire art form as "transcendent." "I've been listening to music for over 30 years, and it's consistently some of the best stuff out there."

    Despite music's defenders, the Pitchfork review has made a deep impression on the thousands of music fans who slavishly follow the website's advice when it comes to enjoying things.

    "Music used to be great, but let's be honest, it's a 6.8 now at best," said Los Angeles resident Lowell Radler, 23, who admitted that he just looked at the rating rather than reading the whole review. "I seriously might never listen to music again."

    Still, most analysts agreed that the impact of Pitchfork's scathing review of music will be dampened by the 2.4 rating it received from Pitchfork staff writer Dave Maher just moments after the initial critique was published online. Maher termed Schreiber's assessment of music "overwrought, masturbatory posturing intended to make insecure hipsters feel as if they're part of some imagined elite beau monde."
    Quote Originally Posted by ByTheWay, View Post
    If anyone raped or molested my wife or child i'd off them myself so I guess it doesn't matter. If you don't feel those type of emotions in that situation then that is you and in my opinion makes you a twisted person from a twisted state (UTAH) if that is where your from!

  2. #2
    old school fober's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    I don't know how close to the truth this satire is, but I'm kind of glad I don't visit Pitchfork.
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    old school Tylerdurden31's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    the last paragraph takes the proverbial cake

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    old school Tylerdurden31's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    Quote Originally Posted by fober View Post
    I don't know how close to the truth this satire is, but I'm kind of glad I don't visit Pitchfork.
    the last paragraph sums it up

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    Coachella Junkie Ardentbiscuit's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    The Onion is the greatest newspaper ever.

    I went to a screening of "The Onion" the movie, it was never released but it was hilarious. Should have come out.

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    old school mob roulette's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8


    Schreiber's semi-favorable review, which begins in earnest after a six-paragraph preamble comprising a long list of baroquely rendered, seemingly unrelated anecdotes peppered with obscure references, summarizes music as a "solid but uninspired effort."

    "Coming in at an exhausting 7,000 years long, music is weighed down by a few too many mid- tempo tunes, most notably 'Liebesträume No. 3 in A flat' by Franz Liszt and 'Closing Time' by '90s alt-rock group Semisonic," Schreiber wrote. "In the end, though music can be brilliant at times, the whole medium comes off as derivative of Pavement."

    "It's elitism for the sake of elitism," said Rolling Stone senior editor David Fricke, who refuted Pitchfork's middling rating, describing the entire art form as "transcendent." "I've been listening to music for over 30 years, and it's consistently some of the best stuff out there."
    +30. Ten per paragraph. Freaking love The Onion. Still.


    "Music used to be great, but let's be honest, it's a 6.8 now at best," said Los Angeles resident Lowell Radler, 23, who admitted that he just looked at the rating rather than reading the whole review. "I seriously might never listen to music again."
    Randy, your first name is Lowell? You should just admit it dude. No hating here.

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    Coachella Junkie dorkfish's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    "In the end, though music can be brilliant at times, the whole medium comes off as derivative of Pavement."
    *based upon tedious fact checking.

  8. #8

    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    Quote Originally Posted by Yablonowitz View Post

    "We can only hope that [music] will begin to grow with its fans over the next few millennia," Schreiber said. "If it can stick to what it does well, namely the song 'Peg' by Steely Dan, and Tuvan throat singing, then a sophomore effort will indeed be something to get excited about."

    Pegggggggggggggggggggggg
    it will come back to you
    Quote Originally Posted by RotationSlimWang View Post
    Say goodbye to that acid, Greg.

  9. #9
    old school mob roulette's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    Don't hate on the Dan man. Rikki don't lose that number. She really really don't.

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    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    I really like the premises of a lot of The Onion's pieces but they end up pissing me off 'cause it feels like watered-down Harvard Lampoon to me. I do remember one great piece they had about a college student who committed suicide and wrote his suicide note in nothing but Simpsons references. That was pretty good.

    On a sidenote, I had this idea a couple years ago but have never had the energy to figure out exactly how to write it--after noticing just how many imitators The Onion has spawned I decided I want at some point to write a The Onion-stylized fake news article about how The Onion-stylized fake news articles have begun reproducing on their own inside the internet and are plotting a sarcastic takeover.
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

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    Member arbouler's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    do hipsters really talk about music these days? probably a bit naive but i think the only music they listen to these days are just daft punk, justice, dan deacon, and girl talk? i think music enthusiasts are still the ones who mostly read p4k critically, while hipsters only like music that they can dance to when they go to clubs every night of the week and spend their parents trust funds to buy drinks and do drugs and live a lavish life without even having to bother to work the morning after?

    whats up with the yasser arafat scarf that they wear these days anyway?

    and whats with the whole "oh my, i take photos of hipsters looking like they're having so much fun at clubs, and my style of photography involves snapping shots randomly using flash and high contrast. oooh soooo artistic...."
    Last edited by arbouler; 09-10-2007 at 10:53 AM.

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    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    Does anyone besides teenage girls and faggots like Girl Talk? Honestly.
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

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    old school mob roulette's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    "Fire at Yo La Tengo concert. 100 record store clerks feared dead."

    Or something like that. That one was always my favorite.

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    old school mob roulette's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    Also I know a "******" with a mean right hook, Randy. Check yourself.

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    Coachella Junkie sonofhal's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    Another onion classic

    http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27870


    ATHENS, GA—Thirty-seven record-store clerks are missing and feared dead in the aftermath of a partial roof collapse during a Yo La Tengo concert Monday.



    "We're trying our best to rescue these clerks, but, realistically, there's not a lot of hope," said emergency worker Len Guzman, standing outside the 40 Watt Club, where the tragedy occurred. "These people are simply not in the physical condition to survive this sort of trauma. It's just a twisted mass of black-frame glasses and ironic Girl Scouts T-shirts in there."

    Also believed to be among the missing are seven freelance rock critics, five vinyl junkies, two 'zine publishers, an art-school dropout, and a college-radio DJ.

    The collapse occurred approximately 30 minutes into the Hoboken, NJ, band's set, when a poorly installed rooftop heating-and-cooling unit came loose and crashed through the roof, bringing several massive steel beams down with it.

    Andy Ringler, an assistant manager at Wuxtry Records, sustained head trauma when he ran back into the building to rescue a fellow clerk.

    "I just had to help," said Ringler, listed in stable condition at a nearby hospital. "I saw all these people coming out bleeding and dazed. I gave up my vintage Galaxie 500 shirt just to help some guy bandage his arm. It was horrible."

    Added Ringler: "I just pray they can somehow get this club rebuilt in time for next month's Dismemberment Plan/Death Cab For Cutie show. That's a fantastic double bill."

    Joe Gaer was among the lucky record-store clerks who escaped unscathed.

    "I was in the bathroom when it happened," said Gaer, a part-time cashier at School Kids Records. "There was this loud crashing sound, followed by even louder crashing, and then all these screams. If I hadn't left to take a leak during 'Moby Octopad'—to be honest, never one of my favorite songs on I Can Hear The Heart Beating As One—I'd probably be among the dead."

    "It's just tragic," Gaer continued. "I heard they were going to play Daniel Johnston's 'Speeding Motorcycle.' They almost never do that one live."

    Devastated by the disaster, Athens record-store owners are still holding out hope that their employees are still alive.

    "All I can do is wait and pray they'll find them," said Bert's Discount Records owner Bert Halyard, who lost clerks Todd Fischer and Dan Harris in the collapse. "They were going to start an experimental/math-rock band together. Dan had a really nice Moog synthesizer and an original pressing of the first Squirrel Bait EP."

    As of press time, police and emergency rescue workers were still sifting through the wreckage for copies of Magnet, heated debates over the definition of emo, and other signs of record-store-clerk life.

    "I haven't seen this much senseless hipster carnage since the Great Sebadoh Fire Of '93," said rescue worker Larry Kolterman, finding a green-and-gold suede Puma sneaker in the rubble. "It's such a shame that all those bastions of indie-rock geekitude had to go in their prime. Their cries of 'sellout' have been forever silenced."
    Quote Originally Posted by JustSteve View Post
    well, for all intensive porpoises it is, will sell out within seconds tomorrow.
    Quote Originally Posted by korbinn View Post
    It's jsut dawned on me that I'm overly confident and a extremely ocd perfectionist.
    Quote Originally Posted by kroqken View Post
    I don't give a flying fuck about the Kardashians, I doubt they know who Belle and Sebastian are.

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    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    That's pretty good. I know this is probably an unpopular opinion but I think if you take the average funniness of all their articles their headlines are about 50 percent of the chuckles.
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

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    Coachella Junkie sonofhal's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    ha mob!
    Quote Originally Posted by JustSteve View Post
    well, for all intensive porpoises it is, will sell out within seconds tomorrow.
    Quote Originally Posted by korbinn View Post
    It's jsut dawned on me that I'm overly confident and a extremely ocd perfectionist.
    Quote Originally Posted by kroqken View Post
    I don't give a flying fuck about the Kardashians, I doubt they know who Belle and Sebastian are.

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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    Up with Palestine.

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    old school mob roulette's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    I know. Thank you bro. Great minds think alike, I guess.

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    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    Quote Originally Posted by mob roulette View Post
    Also I know a "******" with a mean right hook, Randy. Check yourself.
    I don't get your point. I'm going to sidestep the easy "why are you referring to yourself in the third person" joke and just say, well sure, what the fuck's your point?

    I know a couple faggots I wouldn't want to fuck with either. One of whom is one of my very best friends. He's a fucking evil little cocksucker though--both literally and metaphorically. Are you suggesting I should be careful of calling them faggots because they'll give me a right hook? I doubt it. Plus any faggots that don't throw the word "******" around brazenly are fucking gay.
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    OMG stop it you fuckin drama queen.

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    Beef Supreme Mr.Nipples's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    you like to use the word ****** and *****' alot...
    looking to purchase:big brother skateboarding magazine back issues. travis bean tb1000s electric guitars.

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    old school mob roulette's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    You throw around the words ****** and ****** like they're going out of style. That's my point. And it's all just a wee bit insulting somehow, even coming from a hep white boy from LA. That's all I'm saying.

    But I'm done policing you. It means very little to me really. This BOARD does, but that's something else entirely.

    EDIT: Thank you Nipples.

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    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    Suicide Letter Full Of Simpsons References

    STORRS, CT—University of Connecticut sophomore Aaron Bennett, 20, was found dead of an apparent sleeping-pill overdose in his campus-area apartment Saturday, a suicide note riddled with references to the popular TV show The Simpsons on his desk.

    Bennett appears happy in a March photo taken in his bedroom. "Outwardly, Aaron seemed like a gentle, quiet, stable person," dean of students Kathleen Ernst said Monday. "But clearly, he must have had a darker, troubled side that he kept hidden. The only thing we can be certain of is that, to the very end, he really knew his Simpsons."

    Friends and family are struggling to comprehend the dean's-list chemistry major's motivation for taking his own life, as outlined in the three-page suicide letter.

    "When death comes so suddenly, it can seem incomprehensible," Ernst said. "It certainly doesn't help matters that Aaron's note begins, 'No banging your head on the display case, please. It contains a very rare Mary Worth in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide.' How do you even begin to explain something like that to his parents?"

    Bennett's cousin, Tracy Hogg, said she did not know that the young man was despondent, but did know that he was a big Simpsons fan.

    "Aaron had loved The Simpsons since he was little," Hogg said. "He found so much joy in the show. He had nearly every episode memorized word-for-word. You'd think there'd be no reason for someone like him to take his own life."

    The three-page note, headed with the inscription "Dumb Things I Gotta Do Today," includes references to plotlines from dozens of the more than 300 episodes of the animated series. Bennett quotes Simpsons mainstays like Bart Simpson and Ned Flanders, as well as relatively obscure characters, such as Lyle Lanley, Disco Stu, and Very Tall Man.

    "Today, part four of our series on the agonizing pain in which I live every day," Bennett's note read. "Or should I say part 400? Not even drinking age yet and I'm tired, people. For me, life is like an escalator to nowhere. Well, this is where I jump off."

    Storrs Police Department detective Roger Mann said the note is so dense with references that the investigators, most of them only casually acquainted with the show, have had difficulty distinguishing Bennett's original thoughts from the many Simpsons-derived expressions.

    "It will take some time to fully understand Aaron's letter," Mann said. "For example, he talks about banishing himself to the land of wind and ghosts, a remark that struck me as particularly haunting and despairing. But later, someone told me the line comes from a Simpsons lampoon of a Japanese TV commercial."

    Some of the quotes in the letter contain no clear allusion to Bennett's impending death or despondency.

    "On page three, the letter says, 'Can you open my milk, Mommy?'—a line with no apparent suicidal meaning," Mann said. "But then, you don't know. When he quoted Simpsons character Ralph Wiggum, Aaron might have been lamenting his lack of independence or pining for his lost childhood. But I'm willing to bet that he just thought that line was funny."

    Continued Mann: "I believe this may also be the case with 'Diagnosis: delicious.'"

    A police photo shows Bennett's suicide letter, exactly as found on top of his desk. Magnus Whittaker, Bennett's friend since junior high and a fellow Simpsons enthusiast, said he corresponded with Bennett regularly until about four months ago, when Bennett mysteriously stopped e-mailing him. Whittaker described his friend as a kind but withdrawn young man whose favorite mode of communication was the quoting of Simpsons lines.

    Whittaker said that, in in a phone conversation weeks prior to his death, Bennett was unusually candid about his unhappiness.

    "Aaron likened himself to Frank Grimes," Whittaker said, referring to the hard-working Springfield Nuclear Power Plant employee. "He resented that no one paid attention to him, and he complained that no one seemed to appreciate his hard work. Once, when we were IM-ing each other, he said he sometimes wished he would electrocute himself, like Frank Grimes did. I was like, 'Holy flurking schnit.'"

    In spite of the warning, Whittaker said he was shocked when Bennett took his own life.

    "I am absolutely stunned Aaron was capable of killing himself," Whittaker said. "I was even more bowled over by his note. I mean, that 'I ate too much plastic candy' line was so cool. I actually had to look that one up."

    As those who knew Bennett continue to decipher his final thoughts, Ernst urged any students who might feel depressed to seek treatment.

    "You may feel unloved, misunderstood, or stressed, but all people experience those feelings at one time or another," Ernst said. "I want everyone to know that help is available from a variety of sources, on and off campus. It's so tragic to see someone so young give up and say, 'Oh, I've wasted my life.' It's just such a shame that Aaron felt his was the worst existence—ever."

    "Jeez, now I'm doing it," Ernst added.

    -----------------------------

    Upon re-reading, it's really not that funny after the premise has been established. I bolded the one line that actually made me smile. But I might be bitter for the following reasons: I can tell you what episode at least 80 percent of those references are from; my brother and I used to have entire dinner conversations consisting of nothing but exchanged Simpsons quotes for YEARS; and they referenced the Frank Grimes episode which is somehow just about the biggest fan favorite even though it's the episode that marks the show jumping the shark. Sad, sad thing that was.
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    The Simpsons fireman episode from last night was funny as all get out.

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    Endearingly Dislikable RotationSlimWang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    HELLO ASSHOLES:

    Mauve, you provincial fuckhead. Why do you continue to make these comments when you know full well how I'm going to respond? Cut it the fuck out if you don't like the responses.

    As for the rest of you, could you fucking bag up your giving a fuck already? Yes, I'm going to respond when someone says something like that. It ain't my fault, it's just how I was made. SOMEONE is perpetuating this cycle, but it isn't me.

    Furthermore, why shouldn't I use the words ****** or ******? How do you know I'm not a ******, to begin with? And would it be less offensive if I was? I could be a tarbaby as well. Either way, stop acting like a bunch of gashes.
    Quote Originally Posted by amyzzz View Post
    Hannah, I don't know that pigs have big weiners, and my early 20's facination with dogs because of weiner size, I think. If that helps.

  27. #27

    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    Quote Originally Posted by mob roulette View Post
    "Fire at Yo La Tengo concert. 100 record store clerks feared dead."

    Or something like that. That one was always my favorite.
    hahahaahahahahhaa
    that is fukkin classic


    i always liked:

    T-Ball stand pitches perfect game at Special Olympics
    Quote Originally Posted by RotationSlimWang View Post
    Say goodbye to that acid, Greg.

  28. #28
    Coachella Junkie rage patton's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    Quote Originally Posted by arbouler View Post
    do hipsters really talk about music these days? probably a bit naive but i think the only music they listen to these days are just daft punk, justice, dan deacon, and girl talk? i think music enthusiasts are still the ones who mostly read p4k critically, while hipsters only like music that they can dance to when they go to clubs every night of the week and spend their parents trust funds to buy drinks and do drugs and live a lavish life without even having to bother to work the morning after?
    You refer to those kind of people as "hipsters"? I call those kind of people ravers. I think of hipsters as people who listen to Aracde Fire, but pretend they arent famous.
    Quote Originally Posted by bmack86 View Post
    And it's been long established that Chris hates fun.
    Quote Originally Posted by Hatinisbad View Post
    I took my niece this year and it was her first Coachella. It was so fun to see it through her eyes. She thought it felt like a magical scene from Shreck. The one where all the fairy tale creatures meet for the first time in Shreck's swamp.

  29. #29
    Coachella Junkie luckyface's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

    The Marilyn Manson article from 2001 has always been my favorite. It is a little outdated now that he is basically a niche artist, but it still does the job. And the pictures are excellent.

    Marilyn Manson Now Going Door-To-Door Trying To Shock People

    January 31, 2001 | Issue 37•03

    OVERLAND PARK, KS–Stung by flagging album sales and Eminem's supplanting him as Middle America's worst nightmare, shock rocker Marilyn Manson has embarked on a door-to-door tour of suburbia in a desperate, last-ditch effort to shock and offend average Americans.

    Accompanied by bandmates Twiggy Ramirez, Madonna Wayne Gacy, and Zim Zum, Manson kicked off his 50-city "Boo" tour Jan. 26 in Overland Park, a conservative, middle-class suburb of Kansas City.

    "When we first laid eyes on Overland Park, with its neat little frame houses, immaculately landscaped lawns, and SUVs in the driveways, we couldn't wait to swoop down on it like the Black Death," said Manson, born Brian Warner in Canton, OH. "We were like, 'Welcome to our nightmare, you bloated, pustulent pigs.'"

    Last Friday at 4 p.m., Mark Wesley, 46, a resident of Overland Park's exclusive Maple Bluff subdivision, heard the sound of "animal-like shrieking" coming from the vicinity of his front lawn. Upon opening his front door, he was greeted by the sight of a pale and shirtless Manson carving a pentagram into his chest with a razor blade.

    "Look at me, suburban dung," Manson told Wesley. "Does this shock you?"

    When Wesley replied no, he said Manson became "petulant." Recalled Wesley: "He started stamping his feet and shaking his fists, saying, 'What do you mean no? Aren't your uptight, puritanical sensibilities offended? Don't you want to censor me so you don't have to confront the ugly truth I represent?' So I say, 'Well, not particularly.' Then, after a long pause, he says, 'Well, screw you, jerk!' and walks off sulking."

    That evening, Linda Schmidt was preparing to drive her daughter Alyssa to a Girl Scouts meeting when she found Manson standing on her porch draped in sheep entrails.

    "I knew who he was, but I was kind of busy and didn't really have time to chat," Schmidt said. "He just kept standing there staring at me, expecting me to react in some way."

    Added Schmidt: "I tried to be nice and humor him a little. I said, 'Yesiree, that sure is some shocking satanic imagery, no doubt about it. And that one eye with no color in the pupil, very disturbing. I'd sure like to suppress that.' I mean, what do you say to Marilyn Manson?"

    A deflated Manson remained on Schmidt's porch as she and Alyssa drove off.

    Subsequent attempts to provoke outrage were met with equal indifference.

    "[Manson] was standing at my front door wearing those fake breasts he wore on the cover of Mechanical Animals," retiree Judith Hahn said. "He said, 'My name is Marilyn Manson, and I'm here to tear your little world apart.' I thought he was collecting for the Kiwanis food drive, so I gave him some cans of pumpkin-pie filling."

    Undaunted, Manson and his entourage stepped up their assault on mainstream American sensibilities. On Tuesday, they arrived in the tiny Detroit suburb of Grosse Pointe Farms, where stockbroker Glenn Binford answered his doorbell to find Manson hanging upside-down on a wooden cross as Ramirez performed fellatio on him.

    "I just stood there thinking, now there's a boy who tries way too hard," Binford said. "I mean, come on: Homoerotic sacrilege went out in the late '90s."

    Other provocative acts by Manson–including dismembering a chicken, bathing in pig's blood, and wearing a three-piece suit of human noses–failed to arouse anyone's ire, instead prompting comments such as "sophomoric," "trite," and "so Alice Cooper."

    Manson's lone brush with controversy occurred in Edina, MN, a suburb of Minneapolis. An unidentified neighborhood-watch volunteer phoned police after seeing a nude, feces-smeared Manson being led around on a leash by a dwarf dominatrix. Officers arrived on the scene, but let Manson go with a warning for parading without a city permit.

    "I could have given him a citation, but I figured, how much harm is he really causing?" Edina Police Officer Dan Herberger said. "I mean, he's just Marilyn Manson, for the love of Mike."

    The "Boo" tour was dealt a further blow when Manson learned that Eminem's The Marshall Mathers LP had been banned from all Kmart stores. Manson's current album, Holy Wood (In The Shadow Of The Valley Of Death), is still available.

    "Why are all you people outraged by Eminem? He's not scary!" Manson said. "He doesn't sport ghoulishly pale skin or wear gender-bending make-up. He's just some regular guy. I'm the one who people should be terrified by, not him! Me!"

    "If you ban me," Manson continued, "I promise to rail against censorship and hypocrisy. Please? Pretty, pretty please?"

    By Monday, the tour appeared to have lost all momentum. Sources close to Manson described him as "exhausted and discouraged," despite not having even completed the first leg of the three-month tour. By the time he arrived in Hoffman Estates, IL, Manson had resorted to leaving flaming bags of dog feces on doorsteps and shining a flashlight under his chin to make himself look "spooky." He was ultimately chased from a Hoffman Estates subdivision by a group of bicycle-riding teenagers who advised him to "get [his] chalk-white goblin ass" out of their neighborhood.

    On Friday, Manson is slated to appear in Bethesda, MD, where many believe he will bring his tour to a premature end.

    "Have you people forgotten already?" Manson told The Washington Post. "You all thought I was responsible for Columbine two years ago. Well, I was! I was! I know I vehemently denied it at the time, but, really, I personally told those two kids to shoot up the school. I'm serious. I sent them an e-mail. And I told them to worship Satan, too. You hear that, kids? Marilyn Manson says you should shoot your friends in the head with a gun! And everyone should eat babies! And rape their dead grandparents! And poop on a church! There, now will someone please be offended?"
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