Overheard In New York

[thelastgreatman]

www.overheardinnewyork.com is by far my favorite website and makes me homesick as a motherfucker. I'm creating this thread to put up my favorites every day instead of just sending them to the only person in my company with a sense of humor. Let it begin...

Intercom hijacker #1 playing rap music: All aboard, all aboard...
Intercom hijacker #2: I wanna give a shout-out to my *****, Antoine...
Intercom hijacker #1: And my ***** Ruiz...
Conductor: If you do not get off this intercom, I will have you arrested at the next stop!
Intercom hijacker #1: Whatever, *****. Y'all on this train can suck a dick.
Intercom hijacker #2: Y'all can die.
Intercom hijacker #1: Yeah. Y'all can die... on a dick.

--6 train

[thelastgreatman]

Hipster chick: Hey, what do you do when Pikachu won't get on a bus?
Thug: I dunno.
Hipster chick: You poke him on! Get it? Like Pokemon?
Thug: No, then he would thunderstrike you.
Hipster chick: [Silence.]
Thug: He's an electric type, you know?

--M14D bus, 1st Ave

[thelastgreatman]

Comedy ticket guy: Hey, do you like to laugh?
Goth chick: No. Do I look like I like to laugh?
Comedy ticket guy: My bad.

--Times Square

[thelastgreatman]

Chick #1: What's that? 'Smegma'? That's not a word.
Guy #1: Of course it's a word.
Chick #1: Bullshit. What does it mean?
Guy #1: Haven't you ever heard of dick cheese?
Chick #1: Get the fuck out of here.
Chick #2: It's crud that grows under men's foreskins.
Guy #2: You must date all Jewish guys.
Chick #2: Or Muslims.
Chick #1: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Guy #1: Don't you inspect a cock before you put it in your mouth?
Chick #1: I don't put cocks in my mouth.
Guy #2: Which explains why she's here playing Scrabble on a Saturday night.
Guy #1: You don't give blow jobs? Honestly?
Chick #1: No.
Guy #2: Why not? You're an attractive adult woman.
Chick #1: I think it's gross.
Guy #1: Maybe she tried it once and the guy had smegma.
Chick #2, taking hand of Chick #1: Come with me and I'll explain. [They leave the room, and Chick #2 comes back alone minutes later] Let's go. She doesn't feel like playing any more.
Guy #2: First no blow jobs, now no Scrabble. She's really painting herself into a corner.
Guy #1: Before we get lost in all these other issues, I get 42 points for 'smegma.'

--Scrabble party, 34th & 2nd

[thelastgreatman]

Hipster girl #1: Yeah, so he seemed like a really nice guy. I met him at Shaina's party, we had an actual intellectual conversation, he may or may not have poisoned me...
Hipster girl #2: Yeah, but what if he did poison you? I mean, what then?

--3rd & 1st

[Courtney]

I love that website so so so much. Wait let me see if I can find my favorite from a while ago....


Edit: Here it is! Also, you gotta include the titles. They're part of the comedy.


Sorry, No, My Parents Are Raising Me Rational

Kindergarten girl #1: Wow! Look at all those big trophies!
Kindergarten girl #2: Those ain't trophies. There's dead people there. Yeah, you know -- you go to church, you pray, and they put the dead person in the box, and they put the box in there. Don't you go to church?

--On school bus passing a cemetery, Queens

[thelastgreatman]

Hot guy #1: Sometimes her vagina smells like old cheese, and I feel like I'm suffocating down there and I'm gonna die.
Hot guy #2: Just use a snorkel.
Hot guy #1: Does that work?
Hot guy #2: I don't leave home without it.

--23rd & Park

[thelastgreatman]

20-ish guy: So, I should just ask: Can I come in and fuck your brains out?
20-ish girl: You don't have to be all Tarantino about it, but yeah.

--44th & Broadway

[amyzzz]

I can't access that site from work. Is this real overheard stuff? I don't understand.

[Courtney]

Yeah, random people send in snippets of funny conversations that they overhear in the subway, on the street, etc. I've had a couple friends succeed in getting their quote put on the website, but it's fairly selective.

[amyzzz]

Ah, ok. Cool.

[thelastgreatman]

It's yet another shining example of why East > West. I don't overhear a goddamn thing that's funny in LA.

[thelastgreatman]

Guy #1: So, I was at this thing last night playing guitar or whatever, and my friend Ashley* is eating out this fat guy's asshole...
Guy #2: What?!
Guy #1: Yeah, seriously.

--Dorm elevator, Fordham University, Lincoln Center

[thelastgreatman]

Woman #1: So, what you think about Duane?
Woman #2: Girl, he all up in my Kool-Aid and he don't even know the flavah!

--Deli, Brooklyn

[Courtney]

It's yet another shining example of why East > West. I don't overhear a goddamn thing that's funny in LA.

Let's not start this again.

[thelastgreatman]

Professor: So, the gospel of Luke differs from Mark in its concern about... [Walks across room to look at poster promoting Iraq War protest, studies it for a moment, then returns to podium.] Sorry, I was distracted by the war. [Students laugh.] No, really. The things we're doing right now are actually really pointless in the world we live in. [Silence.] Okay! Back to pretending my job is important. Anyway...

--NYU

[thelastgreatman]

Dude: So, what did you do?
Hung-over girl: I was really embarrassed at first and I tried to hide it. Then I was like, 'Fuck it, yeah, I peed in your bed.'

--Restaurant, Chelsea

[thelastgreatman]

Fuck that, I wanna start something. I call for a Butt-Nekkid Wrestling match to determine this once and for all. You can represent The Wasteland, and I'll thrown down for Bucktown.

[amyzzz]

I've never been East. Not that far East anyway.

[thelastgreatman]

Italian guy to four friends: No. Fuck you, motherfucker! I used it in a sentence -- you define it!

--Spring & Mott

[thelastgreatman]

Hipster girl to friends: My mother thought I was a virgin until I told her that I'd had an abortion.

--120th & Amsterdam

[ewiggy]

OH HEY THREAD THAT I SORT OF ALREADY STARTED WEEKS AGO.

[algunz]

Let's not start this again.

It's true though.

[Tylerdurden31]

It's yet another shining example of why East > West. I don't overhear a goddamn thing that's funny in LA.

THAT'S BECAUSE NO ONE WALKS ANYWHERE IN LA.

[chrislasf]

It's true though.

Yes that is true. Nobody west of the Mississippi is funny. Only people in NY. Documented fact.

Fucking dolts.

[full on idle]

SF is funnier than LA

[thelastgreatman]

I'm pretty positive that nobody IN Mississippi is funny for sure, though.

Also Wiggums, wasn't your thread for things we actually Overheard? This is just for that site.

AND WHY WERE BOTH OF YOU TALKING IN CAPS?

[All That I Am]

Girl on cellphone: I don't know where I am, hold on and i'm comming up to a street sign. I'm on the corner of washington and Two....What....No...l said Washington and Two......Second?....oh that's what they call it?

[Omar1]

We Checked, It's Real. Ick.

Brunette using computer: Have you ever posed naked?
Blonde: Yeah, my ex-boyfriend posted a video of me on the net.
Brunette: Really? What's the URL?
Blonde: Animal boinks dot com*.
Brunette, finding site: Now what?
Blonde: Click 'Tami*.'
Brunette: Oh my god! Is that you?
Blonde: Yeah.
Brunette: You're fucking a dog!
Blonde: My ex-boyfriend begged me for months to do that.
Brunette: I like man dick. I even like pussy... How could you fuck a dog, you sick bitch?
Blonde: Fuck you! At least I'm not a lesbian!
Brunette: At least I stick to my own species!
Blonde: Dyke!
Brunette: Sick bitch! You fuck pigs and horses, too?
Blonde: No, just dogs. It was my ex-boyfriend's idea. And at least I'm not a lesbian.
Brunette: At least I'm not on the net with a pooch eating my cooch!
Chinese nerd-boy at next computer: This is the best conversation I ever heard in my life!

[Omar1]

Selfish Bone Cancer-Having Motherfucker

Man: I'm in pain! Nurse, nurse!
Nurse, to herself: Dammit, *****, I just fucking gave you morphine!