Courtney's Guide to Etiquette

This is the definitive thread for advice and tips on how to behave with good manners and social graces in any situation.

Want to know what to bring when your pot-smoking mother-in-law invites you to your first shared Thanksgiving? Confused on what sort of Christmas gift to give your boss that says both "I am a thoughtful and competent employee" and "give me a raise already you asshole"? Unsure of how best to phrase letters of correspondence to the soccer mom mafia who steal the only handicapped parking space at your child's school? Wondering how best to inform your FWB that although you would love to spend the night, you are currently bleeding uterine lining? Look no further.

No question is too serious or too frivolous.

haha, which one is alluding to me? hmm.

Push in your fucking chair after you're done eating, maybe this belongs in the pet peeves thread

I also hate the fuck out of people who chew with their mouths open and throw half-full cups of liquid in a garbage can

Don't answer your phone while we're eating.

...unless you're finally getting the response from your coke dealer who takes forever to get back to you.

Also, what is proper etiquette for telling your sister she is a bitchy control freak at Thanksgiving?

Just make sure everyone is lit.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by stinkbutt

Also, what is proper etiquette for telling your sister she is a bitchy control freak at Thanksgiving?

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Just spit a mouthful of food onto her face.

Dear Court Rocker,
I got hit up by an old friend. She text me over the weekend. She wants to hang out. My girlfriend has been jealous of her for a long time. She always calls me out on having a thing for this friend. I asked my gf what she thought about me hanging out with her and she said she trusts me and I can do whatever I want. She says she wont care.

my Q: Is this a trick ? Is this like my gf asking me if she looks fat in an article of clothing?
How would a gentleman handle this.

If my gf didn't want me to hang out with her, how would I tell the other woman?

Define: "hangout"

Tell that donkey to get used to it. You're your own man living by your own rules and she's gonna have to live with it or without you. Then take them both to the titty bar

i can do whatever i want...but Im pretty sure this chick wants some. I miss her and I wanna kick it but I will for sure end up doing the wrong thing.

all I needed was that question I guess....define hanging out.
Im pretty straight forward so Ill prob end up telling her I dont want to fuck things up. We werent best friends or anything.

All the etiquette advice that starts with "Don't _______" or "People who _______" kinda sounds like this other thread

thanks Courtney

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Originally Posted by PlayaDelWes

All the etiquette advice that starts with "Don't _______" or "People who _______" kinda sounds like this other thread

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SHUT UP

Cellphone Etiquette - nobody haz it.

What is the best way to deal with a no reason boner when you're at Thanksgiving dinner?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Drinkey McDrinkerstein

What is the best way to deal with a no reason boner when you're at Thanksgiving dinner?

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Just put an extra napkin on your lap.
EDIT* Or tuck your boner under the table.

Rub one out in the potatoes

This thread is incredibly successful so far.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Drinkey McDrinkerstein

SHUT UP

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Mannerisms to be carefully avoided by all.….
• Whispering or pointing in company.
• Omitting to pay proper attention to company when entering or exiting a room.
• Giving attention to only one person when more are present.
• Contradicting parents, friends or strangers.
• Laughing loudly.
• Making noise with hands or feet.
• Swinging arms or making awkward gestures in company or in the street.
• Actions that have the most remote tendency to indelicacy.
• Leaning on the shoulder, or chair of another person.
• Throwing things rather than handing them.
• Crowding or bumping elbows.
• Contempt in looks, words or actions.
• Lolling on a chair.
• Looking earnestly in the face without any apparent cause.
• Surliness of any kind (distortion of countenance, and mimicry
• Ridicule of every kind.
• A constant smile or settled frown.
• Lending a borrowed book.
• Dressing in a bright and loud manner that attracts attention.
• Reading when there is company.
• Reading when others are talking.
• Reading aloud without being asked.
• Laughing at the mistakes of others.
• Speaking or acting in anger.
• To neglect little things if they can affect the comfort of others.

I think boasting about luxury and wealth is definitely improper etiquette

what's the best way to politely force every member of your family to play beatles rock band with you while you're stuck up north?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Goatchella

Dear Court Rocker,
I got hit up by an old friend. She text me over the weekend. She wants to hang out. My girlfriend has been jealous of her for a long time. She always calls me out on having a thing for this friend. I asked my gf what she thought about me hanging out with her and she said she trusts me and I can do whatever I want. She says she wont care.

my Q: Is this a trick ? Is this like my gf asking me if she looks fat in an article of clothing?
How would a gentleman handle this.

If my gf didn't want me to hang out with her, how would I tell the other woman?

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Goatchella, well done on having the perception to realize that this is a tricky situation that calls for extreme care.

In an ideal world, your relationship would be strong enough and your girlfriend would be cool enough that this would be a non-issue. However, given what you have said, it's difficult to tell if your girlfriend is really ok with the situation, or if she is simply pretending to be ok with it because she doesn't want to appear to be a paranoid clinger.

Luckily, there is a simple solution to this problem: find an activity that would be fun for everyone, and invite them both to come along. If your girlfriend really IS ok with you hanging out with the friend, she will probably just decline the invitation and no harm will be done. However, if your girlfriend is feeling threatened, the invitation will hopefully give her some peace of mind in knowing that she has the freedom to monitor the situation if she really feels it to be necessary. Invite a couple additional people along and make it a group activity if your girlfriend does decide she wants to come along, to avoid it being too awkward.

Whatever the outcome, make sure that you are regularly telling and also showing your girlfriend that she is loved and appreciated. It's a lot easier for someone to feel threatened and jealous when that person is already feeling neglected in a relationship. By giving your girlfriend positive affirmation in the strength of your relationship, she will be more likely to be completely secure with whatever you choose to do outside of the relationship.

However, I just read the follow up post:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Goatchella

i can do whatever i want...but Im pretty sure this chick wants some. I miss her and I wanna kick it but I will for sure end up doing the wrong thing.

all I needed was that question I guess....define hanging out.
Im pretty straight forward so Ill prob end up telling her I dont want to fuck things up. We werent best friends or anything.

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It sounds like you already know the right thing to do: decline the invitation from the chick. However, there is no need to go into the details of your relationship with your girlfriend. A polite "no thank you" is more than enough.

Will someone post a nudie in here to make this thread worth while

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Drinkey McDrinkerstein

What is the best way to deal with a no reason boner when you're at Thanksgiving dinner?

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If you are seated in a way that the boner is not visible to any of the other guests, there is no reason to do anything. Simply carry on in polite conversation with Aunt Mildred about her petunia garden until the erection subsides.

If you find yourself in the unfortunate position of being seated at a glass table, or perhaps at a more informal gathering where plates are held in laps while seated on a couch, find the nearest napkin/sweater/whatever to disguise the bulge and apologetically excuse yourself from conversation to make your way swiftly to the nearest bathroom while avoiding further eye contact. And, if I happen to be your girlfriend at the time, by all means pull me along with you to that bathroom.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by chairmenmeow47

what's the best way to politely force every member of your family to play beatles rock band with you while you're stuck up north?

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I believe the conversation goes something like this:

Ivy: Hi, Uncle Daren.
UD: Hello dear. How are you feeling?
Ivy: Oh, you know, I have had debilitating pain in my uterus for a while now, and it is really acting up today. I almost stayed in Phoenix because it was so bad, but I REALLY wanted to see you and Aunt Pat, and so even though I know it would be painful, I'm so glad I'm here to spend the holiday with you. It's great to see you, and time with family is so precious. I wouldn't miss it, even though I am in tremendous pain.
UD: I'm sorry to hear that Ivy! We are so glad you are here, but it's so horrible that you are in so much pain. Is there anything we can do to help?
Ivy: Why yes, actually. There is!

Just take some fucking good bread, and stop whining.