Confessions

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Originally Posted by weeklymix

I'll try to make it short. This was a few years back.

Coolest grandfather dies.
Following winter, shitty widowed grandmother sold some family heirlooms including items left to me in grandfather's will. She was financially sound regardless.
Following spring, finished paying my own tuition via scholarships and money saved.
Asked by grandmother if I'd afford final term in undergrad.
Said "No."
Received funds.
Absconded to a Puerto Rico resort for spring break.

Never a regret.

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You've still got some stuff to learn about acrostic poetry. This is abysmal.

When I was 5 I struck out on the T in T ball. Yes it is humanly possible to do that.

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Originally Posted by chbludevil

When I was 5 I struck out on the T in T ball. Yes it is humanly possible to do that.

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I'm sure that happens quite a lot with five year old kids.

C FiF ASRA - confirmed

I tried little league once and the kids kept beaning me right in the head to I quit

Pretty damn certain that if I were 25 years younger, I'd be soliciting my ass for funds to get back to Hawaii. Fuck morals.

The ghost of time is an impression of yesterday

I jerk off to elf porn.

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Originally Posted by BROKENDOLL

Pretty damn certain that if I were 25 years younger, I'd be soliciting my ass for funds to get back to Hawaii. Fuck morals.

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Knowing what I know now, i'd be pimping her ass out to my work associates.....we'd be there in no time.

i have a lot of wonderful friends, but it's also kinda nice knowing i still have friends that would beat the ever-loving crap out of someone if i said the word <3

ps, i'd never do it, but still

I was trying to give myself a prostate massage but I couldn't find it.

I am a little too happy to realize I still have a bit of game left.

FBored on a long 8hr trip through the night, I decided to plug my phone into the stereo, stand it up in front of my gauges and have a good long masturbation session while crossing state lines.

Unfortunately when I came, I had forgotten I had no napkins and then proceeded to wipe myself off with my hat.

re-read my posts a lot, but haven't masturbated in three months

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Originally Posted by SlowMotionApocalypse

I have a different Grumpy Cat shirt for each day of Coachella.

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...I have two out of three

I jacked off to the restroom scene in Welcome To The Dollhouse.

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Originally Posted by Santa

FBored on a long 8hr trip through the night, I decided to plug my phone into the stereo, stand it up in front of my gauges and have a good long masturbation session while crossing state lines.

Unfortunately when I came, I had forgotten I had no napkins and then proceeded to wipe myself off with my hat.

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... WHA?

I just spent the last 10 minutes laughing at several googled sweet brown memes.

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Originally Posted by RotationSlimWang

... WHA?

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I have some questions too. Were you driving while getting yourself off, and what did the phone have to do with your playtime?

And why were you STANDING?

I cannot orgasm while standing, for the record.

Really? Blood flow problem?

He's not standing, just his phone. Can't you read?

Oh wait, I thought he was in a car. So confused.

I have to point my toes. Dunno why. Think it might be something I just got accustomed to from jacking it as a young lad.

No I didn't read that properly. Okay that makes more sense. I've jerked off while driving once.

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Originally Posted by RotationSlimWang

And why were you STANDING?

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I thought he meant he stood his phone up in front of the guages.

Randy, do you lift your leg when you kiss?

If I'm feeling Leslie Nielsen-ish, yes. Which is most days.

Santa can stand all he wants when he's jerking it -- the reindeers keep his vessel steady.

Jerking while driving is only recommended in very rural, sparsely traveled areas. Who knows when you're going to have a sudden, distinct urge to swerve. Experience? Maybe.