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Courtney
11-22-2011, 06:05 PM
This is the definitive thread for advice and tips on how to behave with good manners and social graces in any situation.

Want to know what to bring when your pot-smoking mother-in-law invites you to your first shared Thanksgiving? Confused on what sort of Christmas gift to give your boss that says both "I am a thoughtful and competent employee" and "give me a raise already you asshole"? Unsure of how best to phrase letters of correspondence to the soccer mom mafia who steal the only handicapped parking space at your child's school? Wondering how best to inform your FWB that although you would love to spend the night, you are currently bleeding uterine lining? Look no further.

No question is too serious or too frivolous.

JustSteve
11-22-2011, 06:06 PM
haha, which one is alluding to me? hmm.

stinkbutt
11-22-2011, 06:27 PM
Push in your fucking chair after you're done eating, maybe this belongs in the pet peeves thread

Drinkey McDrinkerstein
11-22-2011, 06:31 PM
I also hate the fuck out of people who chew with their mouths open and throw half-full cups of liquid in a garbage can

Gribbz
11-22-2011, 06:35 PM
Don't answer your phone while we're eating.

Drinkey McDrinkerstein
11-22-2011, 06:36 PM
...unless you're finally getting the response from your coke dealer who takes forever to get back to you.

stinkbutt
11-22-2011, 06:37 PM
Also, what is proper etiquette for telling your sister she is a bitchy control freak at Thanksgiving?

Gribbz
11-22-2011, 06:38 PM
Just make sure everyone is lit.

Drinkey McDrinkerstein
11-22-2011, 06:39 PM
Also, what is proper etiquette for telling your sister she is a bitchy control freak at Thanksgiving?

Just spit a mouthful of food onto her face.

Goatchella
11-22-2011, 06:44 PM
Dear Court Rocker,
I got hit up by an old friend. She text me over the weekend. She wants to hang out. My girlfriend has been jealous of her for a long time. She always calls me out on having a thing for this friend. I asked my gf what she thought about me hanging out with her and she said she trusts me and I can do whatever I want. She says she wont care.

my Q: Is this a trick ? Is this like my gf asking me if she looks fat in an article of clothing?
How would a gentleman handle this.

If my gf didn't want me to hang out with her, how would I tell the other woman?

NachoCat
11-22-2011, 07:08 PM
Define: "hangout"

stinkbutt
11-22-2011, 07:09 PM
Tell that donkey to get used to it. You're your own man living by your own rules and she's gonna have to live with it or without you. Then take them both to the titty bar

Goatchella
11-22-2011, 07:13 PM
i can do whatever i want...but Im pretty sure this chick wants some. I miss her and I wanna kick it but I will for sure end up doing the wrong thing.

all I needed was that question I guess....define hanging out.
Im pretty straight forward so Ill prob end up telling her I dont want to fuck things up. We werent best friends or anything.

PlayaDelWes
11-22-2011, 07:13 PM
All the etiquette advice that starts with "Don't _______" or "People who _______" kinda sounds like this other thread (http://coachella.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3158)

Goatchella
11-22-2011, 07:14 PM
thanks Courtney

Drinkey McDrinkerstein
11-22-2011, 07:15 PM
All the etiquette advice that starts with "Don't _______" or "People who _______" kinda sounds like this other thread (http://coachella.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3158)

SHUT UP

corbo
11-22-2011, 07:15 PM
Cellphone Etiquette - nobody haz it.

Drinkey McDrinkerstein
11-22-2011, 07:17 PM
What is the best way to deal with a no reason boner when you're at Thanksgiving dinner?

Gribbz
11-22-2011, 07:22 PM
What is the best way to deal with a no reason boner when you're at Thanksgiving dinner?

Just put an extra napkin on your lap.
EDIT* Or tuck your boner under the table.

stinkbutt
11-22-2011, 07:23 PM
Rub one out in the potatoes

Drinkey McDrinkerstein
11-22-2011, 07:26 PM
This thread is incredibly successful so far.

PlayaDelWes
11-22-2011, 07:38 PM
SHUT UP
Mannerisms to be carefully avoided by all.….
• Whispering or pointing in company.
• Omitting to pay proper attention to company when entering or exiting a room.
• Giving attention to only one person when more are present.
• Contradicting parents, friends or strangers.
• Laughing loudly.
• Making noise with hands or feet.
• Swinging arms or making awkward gestures in company or in the street.
• Actions that have the most remote tendency to indelicacy.
• Leaning on the shoulder, or chair of another person.
• Throwing things rather than handing them.
• Crowding or bumping elbows.
• Contempt in looks, words or actions.
• Lolling on a chair.
• Looking earnestly in the face without any apparent cause.
• Surliness of any kind (distortion of countenance, and mimicry
• Ridicule of every kind.
• A constant smile or settled frown.
• Lending a borrowed book.
• Dressing in a bright and loud manner that attracts attention.
• Reading when there is company.
• Reading when others are talking.
• Reading aloud without being asked.
• Laughing at the mistakes of others.
• Speaking or acting in anger.
• To neglect little things if they can affect the comfort of others.

stinkbutt
11-22-2011, 07:44 PM
I think boasting about luxury and wealth is definitely improper etiquette

chairmenmeow47
11-22-2011, 07:46 PM
what's the best way to politely force every member of your family to play beatles rock band with you while you're stuck up north?

Courtney
11-22-2011, 10:59 PM
Dear Court Rocker,
I got hit up by an old friend. She text me over the weekend. She wants to hang out. My girlfriend has been jealous of her for a long time. She always calls me out on having a thing for this friend. I asked my gf what she thought about me hanging out with her and she said she trusts me and I can do whatever I want. She says she wont care.

my Q: Is this a trick ? Is this like my gf asking me if she looks fat in an article of clothing?
How would a gentleman handle this.

If my gf didn't want me to hang out with her, how would I tell the other woman?

Goatchella, well done on having the perception to realize that this is a tricky situation that calls for extreme care.

In an ideal world, your relationship would be strong enough and your girlfriend would be cool enough that this would be a non-issue. However, given what you have said, it's difficult to tell if your girlfriend is really ok with the situation, or if she is simply pretending to be ok with it because she doesn't want to appear to be a paranoid clinger.

Luckily, there is a simple solution to this problem: find an activity that would be fun for everyone, and invite them both to come along. If your girlfriend really IS ok with you hanging out with the friend, she will probably just decline the invitation and no harm will be done. However, if your girlfriend is feeling threatened, the invitation will hopefully give her some peace of mind in knowing that she has the freedom to monitor the situation if she really feels it to be necessary. Invite a couple additional people along and make it a group activity if your girlfriend does decide she wants to come along, to avoid it being too awkward.

Whatever the outcome, make sure that you are regularly telling and also showing your girlfriend that she is loved and appreciated. It's a lot easier for someone to feel threatened and jealous when that person is already feeling neglected in a relationship. By giving your girlfriend positive affirmation in the strength of your relationship, she will be more likely to be completely secure with whatever you choose to do outside of the relationship.

Courtney
11-22-2011, 11:07 PM
However, I just read the follow up post:


i can do whatever i want...but Im pretty sure this chick wants some. I miss her and I wanna kick it but I will for sure end up doing the wrong thing.

all I needed was that question I guess....define hanging out.
Im pretty straight forward so Ill prob end up telling her I dont want to fuck things up. We werent best friends or anything.

It sounds like you already know the right thing to do: decline the invitation from the chick. However, there is no need to go into the details of your relationship with your girlfriend. A polite "no thank you" is more than enough.

Neighborhood Creep
11-22-2011, 11:10 PM
Will someone post a nudie in here to make this thread worth while

Courtney
11-22-2011, 11:17 PM
What is the best way to deal with a no reason boner when you're at Thanksgiving dinner?

If you are seated in a way that the boner is not visible to any of the other guests, there is no reason to do anything. Simply carry on in polite conversation with Aunt Mildred about her petunia garden until the erection subsides.

If you find yourself in the unfortunate position of being seated at a glass table, or perhaps at a more informal gathering where plates are held in laps while seated on a couch, find the nearest napkin/sweater/whatever to disguise the bulge and apologetically excuse yourself from conversation to make your way swiftly to the nearest bathroom while avoiding further eye contact. And, if I happen to be your girlfriend at the time, by all means pull me along with you to that bathroom.

Courtney
11-22-2011, 11:23 PM
what's the best way to politely force every member of your family to play beatles rock band with you while you're stuck up north?

I believe the conversation goes something like this:

Ivy: Hi, Uncle Daren.
UD: Hello dear. How are you feeling?
Ivy: Oh, you know, I have had debilitating pain in my uterus for a while now, and it is really acting up today. I almost stayed in Phoenix because it was so bad, but I REALLY wanted to see you and Aunt Pat, and so even though I know it would be painful, I'm so glad I'm here to spend the holiday with you. It's great to see you, and time with family is so precious. I wouldn't miss it, even though I am in tremendous pain.
UD: I'm sorry to hear that Ivy! We are so glad you are here, but it's so horrible that you are in so much pain. Is there anything we can do to help?
Ivy: Why yes, actually. There is!

algunz
11-22-2011, 11:24 PM
Just take some fucking good bread, and stop whining.

fiopadp7791
11-22-2011, 11:29 PM
What ended up happening to the "Gentleman's Club"? That MTV show with Farnsworth Bentley? I got into the 1st season of that, but kinda forgot about it...

jackstraw94086
11-22-2011, 11:31 PM
• Lolling on a chair.


the list is so old that it has ironically become up to date.

Courtney
11-22-2011, 11:32 PM
Also, what is proper etiquette for telling your sister she is a bitchy control freak at Thanksgiving?

The best course of action is to minimize contact. Offer to take charge of seat assignments this year for the big dinner, and make sure to place your sister as far at the other end of the table as possible. Try to either put her between two of the biggest, loudest, most dominant personalities to help drown out the bitchiness, or put her next to people so mellow that even she cannot rattle them.

During open socializing outside of the big meal, try to encourage your family to give her "important" tasks that will keep her occupied with busy work, reducing the amount of free time she has to dedicate to bitchiness, while simultaneously providing her with a false sense of power and satisfying her need for control.

And, if all else fails, attempt to get diagnosed with Tourettes so that you call her out for all her bitchy control freak behavior whenever you want.

greghead
11-22-2011, 11:35 PM
I want to convince my recently-retired father to smoke weed. His best friend, a retired cop, already smokes regularly but lives in a different city. My dad used to smoke but is 66 and is pretty Republican. He does own several hundred totally awesome records. He may be susceptible, how do I broach this delicately?

JustSteve
11-23-2011, 06:36 AM
Edibles. And don't tell him. He will be a slave after a bite and some good tunes.

Goatchella
11-23-2011, 07:18 AM
Goatchella, well done on having the perception to realize that this is a tricky situation that calls for extreme care.

In an ideal world, your relationship would be strong enough and your girlfriend would be cool enough that this would be a non-issue. However, given what you have said, it's difficult to tell if your girlfriend is really ok with the situation, or if she is simply pretending to be ok with it because she doesn't want to appear to be a paranoid clinger.

Luckily, there is a simple solution to this problem: find an activity that would be fun for everyone, and invite them both to come along. If your girlfriend really IS ok with you hanging out with the friend, she will probably just decline the invitation and no harm will be done. However, if your girlfriend is feeling threatened, the invitation will hopefully give her some peace of mind in knowing that she has the freedom to monitor the situation if she really feels it to be necessary. Invite a couple additional people along and make it a group activity if your girlfriend does decide she wants to come along, to avoid it being too awkward.

Whatever the outcome, make sure that you are regularly telling and also showing your girlfriend that she is loved and appreciated. It's a lot easier for someone to feel threatened and jealous when that person is already feeling neglected in a relationship. By giving your girlfriend positive affirmation in the strength of your relationship, she will be more likely to be completely secure with whatever you choose to do outside of the relationship.

I can haz two dates? I like your style =) They are both friends on facebook and this old friend is always liking everything my girl posts. maybe she just wants mh Chewbacca of a lover.

Goatchella
11-23-2011, 07:22 AM
I want to convince my recently-retired father to smoke weed. His best friend, a retired cop, already smokes regularly but lives in a different city. My dad used to smoke but is 66 and is pretty Republican. He does own several hundred totally awesome records. He may be susceptible, how do I broach this delicately?

ask him if he wants to listen to Harry Chapins Taxi...have a couple drinks...ask him if he can help you roll a joint as you are a bit tipsy and a poor roller due to the advanced science of glass waterpipes...he will either school ya or want to try out a new bong.

NachoCat
11-23-2011, 08:02 AM
What is the best way to deal with a no reason boner when you're at Thanksgiving dinner?

If the shirt is tucked in, untuck it. Place upright in waistband until it subsides. Be carefull to not stimulate the effected area with unnecessary movement, as this will only make the effected area more inflamed.

Goatchella
11-23-2011, 08:10 AM
If the shirt is tucked in, untuck it. Place upright in waistband until it subsides. Be carefull to not stimulate the effected area with unnecessary movement, as this will only make the effected area more inflamed.

the more you try to avoid the more it grows.

I would go stare into the freezer for a few minutes

TomAz
11-23-2011, 08:18 AM
Confused on what sort of Christmas gift to give your boss

don't ever do this ever. The only message you'll be sending is "I am willing to kiss your ass to get your attention".

TomAz
11-23-2011, 08:21 AM
I think boasting about luxury and wealth is definitely improper etiquette

So true. I was just complaining to Jeeves about this the other day.

amyzzz
11-23-2011, 09:04 AM
My 42 year old sister is bringing her 24 year old boy friend (whom I have not met) over to my house for Thansgiving tomorrow. What are good topics of conversation? I will probably end up avoiding speaking altogether but maybe I should make some sort of effort? My sister's 20-ish year old female friend is coming too. I think my sister's friends will both be arriving earlier than my other family members because they are helping my sister make dinner (yes, she's making dinner at my house). I am just worried about things being awkward.

Mr. Dylanja
11-23-2011, 09:09 AM
Is there anything you need me to bring?

jackstraw94086
11-23-2011, 10:03 AM
Goatchella, well done on having the perception to realize that this is a tricky situation that calls for extreme care.

In an ideal world, your relationship would be strong enough and your girlfriend would be cool enough that this would be a non-issue. However, given what you have said, it's difficult to tell if your girlfriend is really ok with the situation, or if she is simply pretending to be ok with it because she doesn't want to appear to be a paranoid clinger.

Luckily, there is a simple solution to this problem: find an activity that would be fun for everyone, and invite them both to come along. If your girlfriend really IS ok with you hanging out with the friend, she will probably just decline the invitation and no harm will be done. However, if your girlfriend is feeling threatened, the invitation will hopefully give her some peace of mind in knowing that she has the freedom to monitor the situation if she really feels it to be necessary. Invite a couple additional people along and make it a group activity if your girlfriend does decide she wants to come along, to avoid it being too awkward.

Whatever the outcome, make sure that you are regularly telling and also showing your girlfriend that she is loved and appreciated. It's a lot easier for someone to feel threatened and jealous when that person is already feeling neglected in a relationship. By giving your girlfriend positive affirmation in the strength of your relationship, she will be more likely to be completely secure with whatever you choose to do outside of the relationship.

You better hope he doesn't actually light that fuse.
If she were the type that felt the need chaperone a casual hang out then life is going to be hard with her from here on out. However, she may have other qualities that make this workable.

The gf has called him out for wanting to date her. The worst thing he can do is go on a date with her, as innocent as he may think he's being.
At least one person is guaranteed to be upset about it.

If he doesn't hang out with the other girl, she might be a little disappointed, but probably less so than the gf, who's happiness should matter more anyway.

Of course, if he really wants to hang out with this girl at the risk of upsetting his gf, and the other girls persistent enough to keep at him, then something's wrong with the gf situation from the start.

jackstraw94086
11-23-2011, 10:05 AM
My 42 year old sister is bringing her 24 year old boy friend (whom I have not met) over to my house for Thansgiving tomorrow. What are good topics of conversation? I will probably end up avoiding speaking altogether but maybe I should make some sort of effort? My sister's 20-ish year old female friend is coming too. I think my sister's friends will both be arriving earlier than my other family members because they are helping my sister make dinner (yes, she's making dinner at my house). I am just worried about things being awkward.

I think the most appropriate conversation subject with your sister is how long she plans to sustain her cocaine addiction.

amyzzz
11-23-2011, 10:18 AM
Perhaps I should just PM questions to Courtney.

NachoCat
11-23-2011, 10:18 AM
You better hope he doesn't actually light that fuse.
If she were the type that felt the need chaperone a casual hang out then life is going to be hard with her from here on out. However, she may have other qualities that make this workable.

The gf has called him out for wanting to date her. The worst thing he can do is go on a date with her, as innocent as he may think he's being.
At least one person is guaranteed to be upset about it.

If he doesn't hang out with the other girl, she might be a little disappointed, but probably less so than the gf, who's happiness should matter more anyway.

Of course, if he really wants to hang out with this girl at the risk of upsetting his gf, and the other girls persistent enough to keep at him, then something's wrong with the gf situation from the start.

If he goes, the GF will be upset. If he does not go both he and the other girl would be upset. Lesser of two evils is to go out with the other girl and only upset 1 person. Protip: Say you are not going , change other girls name in your phone to "Paul". Then go out drinking with "Paul" one night. WIN_WIN_WIN situation.

Half kidding of course.

locachica73
11-23-2011, 10:23 AM
Courtney, in reference to my earlier question regarding what to bring to the in-laws house. I found out that she does drink but prefers tequila, she just doesn't drink when she comes down here because she usually has to drive back up north. I was told all the food items were covered and I don't know if she has allergies so I don't think I want to do flowers. Would a nice bottle of good tequila be a nice gesture without appearing to be trying to suck up?

NachoCat
11-23-2011, 10:27 AM
Excellent gift. IMO

jackstraw94086
11-23-2011, 10:40 AM
If he goes, the GF will be upset. If he does not go both he and the other girl would be upset. Lesser of two evils is to go out with the other girl and only upset 1 person.


the notion of each of those people's "upsetedness" being of equal importance is the problem.

Goatchella
11-23-2011, 10:45 AM
If he goes, the GF will be upset. If he does not go both he and the other girl would be upset. Lesser of two evils is to go out with the other girl and only upset 1 person. Protip: Say you are not going , change other girls name in your phone to "Paul". Then go out drinking with "Paul" one night. WIN_WIN_WIN situation.

Half kidding of course.

lol I dont need tips on how to break hearts. Im very very good at that, to the point that it became too easy and now I get my kicks being a good person. I havent cheated on my girl in four years man...and she isnt some dime piece or the perfect woman by most standards. It is totally worth it to me to have honesty and trust.

My girl would get along with this girl and the only thing that makes me think it is more than just hanging out is the fact that she sent me some pretty secksie pics right before me and my girl got together...like this chick woulda been my next fwb, but I got with my chick instead. I dont wanna cheat. Im all about me. Women dont really impact my life cause I do what I want. I am just tripping on my girl telling me its cool to chill with this other girl.

jackstraw94086
11-23-2011, 10:47 AM
you're a real catch.

Goatchella
11-23-2011, 10:48 AM
you're a real catch.

Anyone that has had the pleasure would agree. Only they wouldnt be joking or reeking of douche

jackstraw94086
11-23-2011, 12:16 PM
Anyone that has had the pleasure would agree. Only they wouldnt be joking or reeking of douche


My girl would get along with this girl and the only thing that makes me think it is more than just hanging out is the fact that she sent me some pretty secksie pics right before me and my girl got together...like this chick woulda been my next fwb, but I got with my chick instead. I dont wanna cheat. Im all about me. Women dont really impact my life cause I do what I want. I am just tripping on my girl telling me its cool to chill with this other girl.


reeking of douche, you say?

Courtney
11-23-2011, 12:58 PM
I want to convince my recently-retired father to smoke weed. His best friend, a retired cop, already smokes regularly but lives in a different city. My dad used to smoke but is 66 and is pretty Republican. He does own several hundred totally awesome records. He may be susceptible, how do I broach this delicately?

I think that going the friend route is probably the path of least resistance. Perhaps you can find someone in his age range and of similar political background to broach the subject with him. Let that friend broach the subject instead of trying to address it yourself. Perhaps have that friend bring edibles to the next dinner party or social gathering.

My father is a similar demographic, but he has some hippie genes from his teens and early 20s, and he will occasionally partake but only when he is in the company of a peer group that all also partake so that it becomes the social norm. Conformity is strong stuff.

Courtney
11-23-2011, 01:02 PM
don't ever do this ever. The only message you'll be sending is "I am willing to kiss your ass to get your attention".

I generally tend to agree, but I think it depends on the corporate culture of your specific workplace, and also your individual relationship with your boss.

Courtney
11-23-2011, 01:12 PM
My 42 year old sister is bringing her 24 year old boy friend (whom I have not met) over to my house for Thansgiving tomorrow. What are good topics of conversation? I will probably end up avoiding speaking altogether but maybe I should make some sort of effort? My sister's 20-ish year old female friend is coming too. I think my sister's friends will both be arriving earlier than my other family members because they are helping my sister make dinner (yes, she's making dinner at my house). I am just worried about things being awkward.

Amy, there is a really easy trick to this: just get the people talking about themselves. People LOVE talking about themselves. Ask relevant questions and follow up with appropriate head nodding and "uh huh"s to show you are very interested in what they have to say. If you can find a subject that the person is passionate about, you are golden.

So, for someone who is 20 or 24, you might ask them what they are studying at school, and what sort of career they are thinking about going into and why. You can ask them about their hobbies. You may be surprised and even find that you have some common ground when it comes to pop culture references -- what movies or tv shows or books or music they are into. And, if you don't have any clue what they are talking about, simply follow up your preliminary question with a, "Oh! I have never heard of that! How fascinating. Please tell me more -- why do you like it? Where should I start if I want to go learn more?"

It also helps to have some general topical news references on hand. If these are folks who read the newspaper, scan a couple issues this week to make sure you know what's going on in sports, local politics, etc. If these are people who are more likely to read Us Weekly, then you should be sure to check on who Kim Kardashian is currently dating. It's good to have that sort of material as a last resort. Then you can always pull the, "I read THE most interesting article in last week's New Yorker! Have you heard about how Penn State University has embroiled itself in the fracking controversy?"

fatbastard
11-23-2011, 01:13 PM
My 42 year old sister is bringing her 24 year old boy friend (whom I have not met) over to my house for Thansgiving tomorrow. What are good topics of conversation? I will probably end up avoiding speaking altogether but maybe I should make some sort of effort? My sister's 20-ish year old female friend is coming too. I think my sister's friends will both be arriving earlier than my other family members because they are helping my sister make dinner (yes, she's making dinner at my house). I am just worried about things being awkward.

AARP and Skrillex.

fatbastard
11-23-2011, 01:13 PM
Sorry. No disrespect to Amyzzz or Courtney's thread.

Courtney
11-23-2011, 01:37 PM
Courtney, in reference to my earlier question regarding what to bring to the in-laws house. I found out that she does drink but prefers tequila, she just doesn't drink when she comes down here because she usually has to drive back up north. I was told all the food items were covered and I don't know if she has allergies so I don't think I want to do flowers. Would a nice bottle of good tequila be a nice gesture without appearing to be trying to suck up?

Yes, I think tequilla sounds like a great gift. Get a nice brand, and put it in a festive gift bag or a tie a bow around it with a pretty ribbon. If you're staying for the weekend and need a bigger gift, you could go the extra yard and pack the tequilla in a package with some good cocktail nuts, fresh limes, and maybe a couple fun margarita glasses or a cocktail shaker. But if it's just dinner, I'd say the tequilla tied with a ribbon is more than enough.

And for the record, bringing a hostess gift to a big dinner or special event is never sucking up -- it's common courtesy!

Courtney
11-23-2011, 01:42 PM
You better hope he doesn't actually light that fuse.
If she were the type that felt the need chaperone a casual hang out then life is going to be hard with her from here on out. However, she may have other qualities that make this workable.

The gf has called him out for wanting to date her. The worst thing he can do is go on a date with her, as innocent as he may think he's being.
At least one person is guaranteed to be upset about it.

If he doesn't hang out with the other girl, she might be a little disappointed, but probably less so than the gf, who's happiness should matter more anyway.

Of course, if he really wants to hang out with this girl at the risk of upsetting his gf, and the other girls persistent enough to keep at him, then something's wrong with the gf situation from the start.

Heh.

I don't think that it's necessarily true that the girlfriend still has a problem with him hanging out with this old friend, even if she once did have an issue with it. Things change -- who knows how she feels about it now.

I think there is a fundamental problem with a romantic relationship that necessitates limiting your interactions with friends. That's a huge red flag right there.

But I also agree that if the boyfriend's priority is hanging out with his friends over making his girlfriend happy, that's also a problem.

I wouldn't want to be in either situation.

Goatchella
11-23-2011, 02:22 PM
My girl knows she is the only one Im gonna give my time to. If she should be jealous of anything its my work...they get most my time...and you guys. work and the boards are kinda the same thing tho.

just dont tell her that.

sbconnection
11-23-2011, 03:38 PM
I <3 your gf! she doesn't seem like the type to get jealous easily. If anything, I feel like she would be thrilled to get rid of your crazy ass for a few hours for a little peace and quiet.

edbangme
11-23-2011, 04:13 PM
So I live in a house with two girls who I am really close with, we went to high school together and have been friends since. We have a new roommate moving in on the 1st, we don't really know him and have only hung out with him once before but he seems very nice. My question is what should I do for Christmas presents? I am definitely going to get my current roommates something but should I get him something as well? I want him to feel welcome but I also don't want it to be that awkward "why did you get me a gift" thing. Should I get them all the same thing or maybe something for the house that we can all enjoy? What are your thoughts?

P.S.- You should do this for a living! I've loved reading all the responses so far, thanks!

Starraven
11-23-2011, 05:24 PM
SHUT UPZ1GFTU7G65A

guedita
01-08-2012, 01:06 PM
Is it just horrible to show up to a wedding ceremony late? What is the protocol of slipping into the chapel after it's started? This is kind of an urgent question, I'm going to a wedding today that starts at 5, but I'm picking up my date from the train station that is ~ a 15 minute drive away at 4:36.

Courtney
01-08-2012, 01:08 PM
Ideally, you would have let the bride or groom know when you RSVPed to the original invitation, but as the situation stands, I think that you'll have to play it by ear. In my experience, weddings very rarely start exactly on time, so you may be safe. When you do slip in, do so quietly and sit at the back. Don't try to come in while the bridal party is walking down the aisle and all the guests are turned around to face the back.

In any case, showing up a couple minutes late is better than not showing up at all.

the goat
01-08-2012, 02:21 PM
Plan B: You can always blame your dragon. "He melted my ______." Who's gonna argue?

http://i43.tinypic.com/1539mzb.jpg

guedita
01-08-2012, 09:56 PM
We made it with 3 minutes to spare, and then the wedding started 30 minutes late. :)

SoulDischarge
01-08-2012, 10:17 PM
I hope you threw a fit and tried to seduce the groom/bride.

guedita
01-08-2012, 10:19 PM
I asked the waitress of our table, "At what point does this just become a free forall?" in regards to that stupid thing where each table has to go up and get their plate of food one table at a time until every table's gone up and THEN you can go get seconds.

greghead
01-09-2012, 03:44 AM
Your first mistake was asking at all. "Oh what? We were supposed to wait our table's turn? I'm sorry for being confused. Pardon me while I go eat now, hosers!"

faxman75
01-09-2012, 05:58 AM
I asked the waitress of our table, "At what point does this just become a free forall?" in regards to that stupid thing where each table has to go up and get their plate of food one table at a time until every table's gone up and THEN you can go get seconds.

Ooh Buffet style. Classy.

Hannahrain
02-20-2012, 08:12 AM
So I received a gift from my grandparents as a unit. I also unexpectedly received a separate and very generous gift from my grandfather. Not sure what thank-you-note etiquette is. Do I send one to both of them for the thing they sent me together and a separate one to him? Do I send them each one? Do I send a very nonspecific thank-you-for-thinking-of-me one to the household and consider it sufficient to thank him over the phone?

Courtney
02-20-2012, 10:46 AM
Do you know if the gift from both of them really is from both of them, or if one person was the driving force behind it and just put two names on the card?

Hannahrain
02-20-2012, 11:00 AM
I'm sure she put his name on the card, but that's how they always do it. She usually handles all the gifts.

Courtney
02-20-2012, 11:17 AM
Then I would send out two cards:

One card should be specifically addressed to her, thanking her for the joint gift.

On card should be specifically addressed to him, thanking him for the joint gift and also for his separate gift, with the emphasis on the latter.

Hannahrain
02-20-2012, 11:19 AM
I like that. Thank you.

suprefan
02-23-2012, 09:49 PM
http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyfkyxjbRn1r2roqho1_500.jpg

Courtney
03-04-2012, 11:00 AM
Pro Tip: Do not invite someone to a party and expect them to bring both a gift AND a potluck dish.

Wtf. Fail.

fatbastard
03-04-2012, 11:09 AM
I have to eat prior to any in-law party. They do not start cooking until a majority of guests arrive for some reason. I once watched them take 2 hours to cook dinner while they nibbled on the meal as they cooked it. I was full just watching them.

insbordnat
03-04-2012, 11:39 AM
^heh. My girlfriend's family kinda does the same thing. And they grossly underestimate food needs. I found myself making an excuse to go out so I could grab a hot dog to eat because I was STARVING.

Courtney
03-04-2012, 12:02 PM
I admit I am also occasionally pretty bad about estimating cooking times. I try to make sure I time things well -- but occasionally shit happens. Which is why I make sure to have lots of nibbly snacks and booze ready to go before guests arrive. I figure if you have no-cook things like cheese and crackers and olives and blanched veggies and nuts and charcuterie sitting stationed around the area, folks are going to be able to graze and not feel deprived while waiting. It's not ideal -- but it's better than having someone run out to get a hotdog!

Drinkey McDrinkerstein
03-04-2012, 01:15 PM
i think dinner parties should ALWAYS have appetizers and not have the actual meal until an hour to an hour and a half after guests have arrived. This is a social occasion, let's be merry before we eat! Arriving with the assumption you're going to eat as soon as you get in the door makes me think you want to leave right after dinner.

Also, for dinner parties to work this way, they really should start at 5 or 6.

Courtney
03-04-2012, 01:27 PM
i think dinner parties should ALWAYS have appetizers and not have the actual meal until an hour to an hour and a half after guests have arrived. This is a social occasion, let's be merry before we eat! Arriving with the assumption you're going to eat as soon as you get in the door makes me think you want to leave right after dinner.

Also, for dinner parties to work this way, they really should start at 5 or 6.

I would say any more than 90 minutes and you're really pushing it. Ideally, my dinner parties go something like:

6-6:30pm - guests arrive for cocktails and appetizers
7:30pm - move to table for main meal
8:30pm - coffee & desert
9:00pm - after-dinner drinks

JorgeC
03-04-2012, 02:03 PM
I would say any more than 90 minutes and you're really pushing it. Ideally, my dinner parties go something like:

6-6:30pm - guests arrive for cocktails and appetizers
7:30pm - move to table for main meal
8:30pm - coffee & desert
9:00pm - after-dinner drinks

6:30-7:30 orgy?

vulcandeathgrip
03-04-2012, 03:13 PM
I have to eat prior to any in-law party. They do not start cooking until a majority of guests arrive for some reason. I once watched them take 2 hours to cook dinner while they nibbled on the meal as they cooked it. I was full just watching them.

Eating with my inlaws in like Chinese water torture. We are regularly summoned for meals at my wife's uncle's house. As the family patriarch it is pretty much mandatory to attend. He is expert in making it hell for me in such subtle ways that the wife & her family barely notice.
He serves the food late too, but even worse - when it's cooked he insists that it "rest" before carving. This seems to mean sitting under the aircon until all the fat he has cooked it in starts to congeal ( does beef really benefit from being drowned in goose fat for cooking ?). He always buys a beautiful piece of meat ( brags about the fact non stop ) and then seasons the shit out of it until it is unrecognisable. They then take forever to put all the food out on the table so you sit there woozy from low blood sugar whilst the aroma tortures you further. The other dishes served will always be a dazzling array of my least favourite foods. He then tries to force said food on me - "try the asparagus you will love it " I'm 35 years old I know what I do & don't like !
This is all only even possible if they are not serving seafood. As I am allergic I have to sit outside whilst the feast on crabs, prawns etc. If they are having a seafood feast he will make a huge deal out of getting me a steak, I am allergic ! I am not just being a picky pain in the arse !

The few times I have cracked the shits and got in my car & left I am treated as the rude one !

Well, that rant was somewhat cathartic, thanks for listening:)

clleadz
03-04-2012, 03:34 PM
Here is an etiquette question. I broke up with my girlfriend on thursday, I want to talk to her and see if she is ok. Do I call / text / email / leave her alone?

Courtney
03-04-2012, 03:39 PM
You ask a mutual friend and make the mutual friend promise not to tell her. Even though it may not be what you want, a clean break will make it easier for her to get over you.

TomAz
03-04-2012, 03:48 PM
I want to talk to her and see if she is ok.

What if the answer is 'no'? What's your action plan then?

clleadz
03-04-2012, 04:01 PM
Figured as much. Thanks for the advice

clleadz
03-04-2012, 04:02 PM
What if the answer is 'no'? What's your action plan then?

True. I guess it is more for me that I want to talk, it wasn't a great break up and there is more I wanted to say / explain. But I guess it doesn't matter now

ThatGirl
03-09-2012, 06:37 AM
I had a friend just tell me she had received an invite to a wedding shower for a former colleague - and then didn't get an invite to the wedding. She wasn't able to attend the shower but did send a gift along with her regrets. Call me crazy - but for her to not get an invite to the wedding, but to be expected to provide a gift at any point in the process, is this not terribly rude??

Courtney
03-09-2012, 07:44 AM
Traditionally, etiquette does strictly dictate that only folks who will be invited to the wedding should be invited to the shower.

However, I think in the case of smaller, family-only type weddings, this rule does have the potential to break down somewhat if it's a shower thrown by coworkers. In that case, I think it is reasonable to make an exception. However, I don't think coworkers should feel obligated to attend any shower, and I also think that if they choose to go, they should not feel obligated to spend more than a very small amount on a token gift gesture.

sonofhal
03-09-2012, 08:05 AM
Buy them a copy of Lord of the Rings on DVD as a Tolkien gesture.

JorgeC
03-09-2012, 10:14 AM
Traditionally, etiquette does strictly dictate that only folks who will be invited to the wedding should be invited to the shower.

However, I think in the case of smaller, family-only type weddings, this rule does have the potential to break down somewhat if it's a shower thrown by coworkers. In that case, I think it is reasonable to make an exception. However, I don't think coworkers should feel obligated to attend any shower, and I also think that if they choose to go, they should not feel obligated to spend more than a very small amount on a token gift gesture.

Another wedding/wedding shower question. Some background first. I work at a large company, there are constant wedding/baby showers, retirement parties, etc. For the most part, people usually just chip in $5-$10 for a group gift, we all sign the card, go have some disgusting cake and get back to work.

This time though, a close co-worker is getting married. I was invited to the normal work wedding shower but was also invited to the wedding. It's a small wedding so very few work people were invited. My question is, my partner can't make it to the wedding, she gave me a plus 1. Is it rude to bring another co-worker that she's also friends with, but wasn't invited to the wedding?

FYI, he was totally cool with not making the guest list cut, we all know how expensive these things are. When I told her my partner couldn't come, she actually suggested that I bring this other co-worker. I guess i just answered my own question. It is cool to bring him, but my followup question is, how do I handle the gift?

I participated in the normal group gift for the work shower, I also gave her a separate work shower gift signed from my partner and I. For the wedding gift, my plus 1 asked if we could go in on a gift together. Since he's going as my plus one, I wouldn't normally expect him to buy a gift, but since he's friends with her, should I just add his name to the card and tell him not to worry about splitting the cost?

OnlyNonStranger
03-09-2012, 10:43 AM
If he asked to go in on a gift then he should pay for some of it.

ThatGirl
03-09-2012, 11:23 AM
If he asked to go in on a gift then he should pay for some of it.

I agree - he should chip in if he asked to be part of the gift, regardless of the circumstances under which he is attending.

Courtney
03-09-2012, 01:08 PM
Another wedding/wedding shower question. Some background first. I work at a large company, there are constant wedding/baby showers, retirement parties, etc. For the most part, people usually just chip in $5-$10 for a group gift, we all sign the card, go have some disgusting cake and get back to work.

This time though, a close co-worker is getting married. I was invited to the normal work wedding shower but was also invited to the wedding. It's a small wedding so very few work people were invited. My question is, my partner can't make it to the wedding, she gave me a plus 1. Is it rude to bring another co-worker that she's also friends with, but wasn't invited to the wedding?

FYI, he was totally cool with not making the guest list cut, we all know how expensive these things are. When I told her my partner couldn't come, she actually suggested that I bring this other co-worker. I guess i just answered my own question. It is cool to bring him, but my followup question is, how do I handle the gift?

I participated in the normal group gift for the work shower, I also gave her a separate work shower gift signed from my partner and I. For the wedding gift, my plus 1 asked if we could go in on a gift together. Since he's going as my plus one, I wouldn't normally expect him to buy a gift, but since he's friends with her, should I just add his name to the card and tell him not to worry about splitting the cost?

I'm posting from my phone so forgive the inevitable typos.

1. Yes, you answered your question and it's absolutely fine to bring your coworker if the bride suggested it.

2. Traditiinally, a +1 would not be expected to chip in on a gift -- it would be the responsibilty of the primary invitee to give a gift large enough for both. However, your circumstances are unique and I think it is reasonable to accept your co-worker's offer to split the gift. Just make sure you are able to decide together on the specific gift before purchasing, so you are both on the same page about item choice and cost. If you foresee that being on the same page might be difficult, you could suggest that you are happy to buy a gift from both of you, but your coworker is welcome to deline the offer and purchase his own separately if he prefers. In any case, this is an extremely non-traditional situation (Emily Post never wrote about bringing a coworker to a social situation because your partner is not available!) so I think the key is jyst to come to a decision that makes everyone comfortable and does justice to the fundamental underlying sentiments iof the situation -- that you are there for and happy to be celebrating the nuptials of a dear friend.

JorgeC
03-09-2012, 01:40 PM
Thanks for the advice everyone. Yeah, if my partner couldn't go with me i would normally go alone, especially since I already know a number of other people at the wedding, it's not like i needed to bring someone so I won't be lonely. But in this special circumstance, she suggested I bring him cuz he's basically with me all the time anyway and they are also friends so it all works out for the best, we'll get to share her special day. Gift wise we reviewed her wedding registry and are going to split a gift we mutually decided on.

SoulDischarge
07-02-2012, 06:52 PM
I house/dog sat for a friend a few weeks ago and one of their dogs chewed through my phone charger. My phone has been off for a few weeks because I'm broke, but it's getting turned back on tomorrow. We're still pretty broke though and every expense hurts. Is asking them to replace my charger in good taste?

suprefan
07-02-2012, 06:55 PM
Ask them to replace the charger. If they have pets that are destructive, maybe they shouldve had the thought to let you know so you could keep an eye out for anything you had out and they could destroy?

Drinkey McDrinkerstein
07-02-2012, 06:58 PM
I think it's fine to let them know the dogs ate it and ask them to compensate you. Like Chris said, you should have been told to be extra vigilant about stuff like that.

menikmati
07-02-2012, 08:13 PM
I house/dog sat for a friend a few weeks ago and one of their dogs chewed through my phone charger. My phone has been off for a few weeks because I'm broke, but it's getting turned back on tomorrow. We're still pretty broke though and every expense hurts. Is asking them to replace my charger in good taste?

If this would have been like a few minutes after they got back home, maybe...but a few weeks later? Let it go man.

Mugwog
07-02-2012, 09:15 PM
If this would have been like a few minutes after they got back home, maybe...but a few weeks later? Let it go man.

This.

If you live in a large city, you should be able to find a charger for your phone for $5 at most whole sale district phone stores. A few weeks later is in completely bad taste. This coming from a gentlemen you encourage to have a warning sign on.

SoulDischarge
07-03-2012, 02:46 AM
Well. I told them about it when they got home from vacation and they didn't really offer to do anything about it. And I haven't seen them since because my phone has been off and for whatever reason, my friend's number doesn't work on my house phone. We're just really damned poor and going to find one is going to be a pain in the ass too because our car is broken down. I probably will let it go because I hate asking people for stuff though.

locachica73
07-03-2012, 06:22 AM
I would ask around, you would be surprised by how many people have extra chargers laying around. We have an entire drawer full of them here at work.

Originalbob
07-04-2012, 02:32 AM
I remember when my next younger sister was born, my mother held a baby shower. Her main excuse for having a baby shower is that it has been 5 years since me (also first born child for my dad--not biological). If she did have baby items left over, they needed upgrading anyways. I know the rule of baby showers is that you get one for your first--I feel very strongly about this, especially in the breeding grounds of fertile Utah. After how many years is it appropriate to have another baby shower for the same woman?

Mugwog
07-04-2012, 07:50 AM
She can have as many showers as she wants to. New friends are made over time so there are many resources to tap for baby shower gifting.

Bud Luster
07-04-2012, 10:21 AM
for whatever reason, my friend's number doesn't work on my house phone. We're just really damned poor and going to find one is going to be a pain in the ass too because our car is broken down. I probably will let it go because I hate asking people for stuff though.

Woe is me. So many excuses for bullshit.

locachica73
11-12-2012, 06:38 AM
I have run into a bit of a problem with my new roommate situation. The roommate has a dog and a cat, I love the dog, and the cat pretty much leaves me alone. Except, when I am not there the cat hides in my bed. I was going to try to just be cool with it since it was her room first, but now my allergies are bothering me quite a bit and I have cat hair all over my clothes, which is why I hate cats. I was just going to try to keep my bedroom door closed, but I am not sure if I should also mention something to the owner, I don't want to offend him or his cat by evicting her from her room. I am not a pet person, is this going to offend him?

JorgeC
11-12-2012, 07:42 AM
Honesty is usually the best policy, just depends on how you approach it. Is her cat the queen of the house and can do no wrong? Then you may have a problem.

Does your roommate have cat hair all over her stuff too? How does she handle it? If she is whatever about the cat hair, then i would probably not mention it to her and just keep the door closed. Reason I say that is if she doesn't think it's a big deal, she may think you're "overreacting" by not wanting her cat all over your stuff. If she does a good job at cleaning up cat hair from the rest of the house, then it shouldn't be a big deal that you're just preemptively closing the door so you don't have to deal with cat hair.

On top of that, if she does know that you have allergies, then just mention that you're going to keep the door closed because of the cat hair. She should understand. Just don't let it build up and then have a fight over the cat, nip it in the bud now.

locachica73
11-12-2012, 07:48 AM
My roommate is a he, I will bring it up and hope he isn't bothered by it. I honestly didn't think it would be a problem, I have had cats in the past and it not really bothered me, but I don't typically let pets on beds.

TomAz
11-12-2012, 07:56 AM
I don't typically let pets on beds.

YOU OGRE

guedita
11-12-2012, 08:40 AM
He shouldn't be bothered by it, loca, you have cat allergies. Closing your room door when you aren't there shouldn't be a problem at all. The cat can deal.

JorgeC
11-12-2012, 08:41 AM
My roommate is a he, I will bring it up and hope he isn't bothered by it. I honestly didn't think it would be a problem, I have had cats in the past and it not really bothered me, but I don't typically let pets on beds.

Oh, all my previous advice was based on your roommate being a girl (y'all is crazy). If you're rooming with a guy, shut your door and tell him to shove his cat hair up his ass. He'll probably just laugh and you guys can move on.

locachica73
11-12-2012, 08:47 AM
OK, I will stop stressing about it. I just want as little drama as possible (which is why I moved in with a guy), but I know cat owners can sometimes feel that their cats are more important than people.

amyzzz
11-12-2012, 08:53 AM
Yeah just close your door. It's too late to say this, but as a person with cat allergies, I would not live in a house with a cat.

locachica73
11-12-2012, 09:00 AM
I have never really suffered with cat allergies really, except when I went to someone's house that had multiple indoor cats. I think it's just because the cat slept in the bed, once I wash the bedding and start shutting the door, I think I will be fine.

chairmenmeow47
11-12-2012, 09:07 AM
you can get aller-tec (generic for zyrtec) at costco for like $15-$20 for an entire year's supplies. maybe that will help too :)

Robin
11-12-2012, 09:09 AM
Re: Wedding Gifts

I normally give $200 as a wedding gift, but I was recently invited to a wedding that's in Pittsburgh, PA. I will have to take time off work, fly across the country, shack up in a hotel and get a rental car. I'm thinking it'll cost me about $800, not including meals. Would it be acceptable to be a bit on the cheap side for the gift, or should I just shell out the money?

suprefan
11-12-2012, 09:22 AM
get a cheap gift from the registry and call it a day. They have to know you made the trip, and should be appreciative of the fact you forked over a good amount of money to get there.

locachica73
11-12-2012, 09:26 AM
you can get aller-tec (generic for zyrtec) at costco for like $15-$20 for an entire year's supplies. maybe that will help too :)

Yeah, I have some zyrtec, I took it last night and it helped a little, but I know you have to build up some in your system before it helps fully.

TomAz
11-12-2012, 09:28 AM
The trip to the wedding is a gift to yourself so that you may participate in and be a witness to the joyous occasion. That said, no gift from a bridal registry is ever unacceptable, regardless of price; it is not the bride and groom's business to worry about the state of your financial affairs.

nosurprises12
11-12-2012, 09:41 AM
I just got married a few weeks ago, and we really didn't pay any attention to the relative costs of the gifts we received (especially those which came from the registry) - we were just happy to get the things we did. If you're worried that a "cheaper" gift will send the message to your friends that you don't care about them, make a card or do something else to personalize the gift.

TomAz
11-12-2012, 09:44 AM
Congratulations!

nosurprises12
11-12-2012, 09:47 AM
Thanks Tom!

mountmccabe
11-12-2012, 12:15 PM
I just got married a few weeks ago, and we really didn't pay any attention to the relative costs of the gifts we received (especially those which came from the registry) - we were just happy to get the things we did.

This.

We were also happy to see people who didn't bring/send gifts; that was certainly not on our minds day-of or anytime surrounding. We were happy to receive gifts from people who weren't able to make it. We were happy for congratulations and good wishes from people that didn't make it and didn't send gifts.


So Robin, I think it is entirely up to you. It seems to be very reasonable to give a cheaper gift than you otherwise would, especially as they would (likely) never know.

captncrzy
11-12-2012, 12:52 PM
True. It's not like people know what you generally give as a wedding gift.


I am currently wishing I could go back in time and befriend Robin before our wedding.

Robin
11-12-2012, 01:23 PM
I just got married a few weeks ago, and we really didn't pay any attention to the relative costs of the gifts we received (especially those which came from the registry) - we were just happy to get the things we did. If you're worried that a "cheaper" gift will send the message to your friends that you don't care about them, make a card or do something else to personalize the gift.


This.

We were also happy to see people who didn't bring/send gifts; that was certainly not on our minds day-of or anytime surrounding. We were happy to receive gifts from people who weren't able to make it. We were happy for congratulations and good wishes from people that didn't make it and didn't send gifts.


So Robin, I think it is entirely up to you. It seems to be very reasonable to give a cheaper gift than you otherwise would, especially as they would (likely) never know.
Thanks, y'all! This made me feel a bit better about going "cheap-o" on him. We're not even that close of friends. I just realized that buying something off the registry will allow me to have that cost on a different billing cycle than the rest of the trip.


True. It's not like people know what you generally give as a wedding gift.


I am currently wishing I could go back in time and befriend Robin before our wedding.
You can always send me a fake invitation and "cancel" the wedding after receiving my gift. I'm pretty gullible.

fatbastard
11-21-2012, 12:12 PM
Scenario: Attended a funeral and about to go and meet for a meal and drinks. Is it in bad form to get drunk, if so, how much should someone drink?

VigoTheCarpathian
11-21-2012, 12:16 PM
Are you Irish or Armenian ?

fatbastard
11-21-2012, 12:16 PM
Mexican

VigoTheCarpathian
11-21-2012, 12:24 PM
It's your call I guess. Order a shot to back your beer and see what everyones reactions are. if they blink, play it by ear, if not... Orale

SlowMotionApocalypse
11-21-2012, 12:25 PM
This is the definitive thread for advice and tips on how to behave with good manners and social graces in any situation.

Want to know what to bring when your pot-smoking mother-in-law invites you to your first shared Thanksgiving? Confused on what sort of Christmas gift to give your boss that says both "I am a thoughtful and competent employee" and "give me a raise already you asshole"? Unsure of how best to phrase letters of correspondence to the soccer mom mafia who steal the only handicapped parking space at your child's school? Wondering how best to inform your FWB that although you would love to spend the night, you are currently bleeding uterine lining? Look no further.

No question is too serious or too frivolous.


I just noticed this. If this isn't a joke thread, I am going to be studying closely.

algunz
11-21-2012, 12:53 PM
Mexican

This is an instant ticket to get drunk at any occasion.

PlayaDelWes
11-21-2012, 05:13 PM
Have side dishes with crusted tops been covered yet? I mean, is a strict vertical cut protocol or is a surface scoop where you get a healthy serving of toasted corn flakes and bread crumbs fine too? What if the person in front of you takes a surface cut leaving no other option?

Courtney
11-21-2012, 08:34 PM
Vertical cut is proper protocol. If the person before you takes a surface scoop, politely observe in silence while judging brutally in your head.

Robin
02-05-2013, 11:02 AM
When in doubt: tip

I just had someone come out to replace my windshield. He came out within 2 hours of placing the call and was super awesome. I wasn't sure if this type of service warrants a tip, but I gave him a $20, anyways. Was that too much?

amyzzz
02-05-2013, 11:03 AM
hahaha at Wes.

TomAz
02-06-2013, 06:17 AM
When in doubt: tip

I just had someone come out to replace my windshield. He came out within 2 hours of placing the call and was super awesome. I wasn't sure if this type of service warrants a tip, but I gave him a $20, anyways. Was that too much?

I don't think I would have tipped in that situation, but I don't see anything wrong with it.

sonofhal
02-06-2013, 06:22 AM
When is it considered rude to tell people to "Go Fuck Yourself"?

Asking for a friend.

koryp
02-06-2013, 06:31 AM
While i can't agree with this sentiment, I've heard that it is always rude, though the rudeness can be translated into humor. Realistically, I think if you were to be saying that as a director in a film or performance art piece, then I think it is completely non-rude.

Pro-tipฎ I always just say it anyway and gauge its appropriateness on the reaction of the person whom it was directed.

gazercmh
02-06-2013, 11:17 AM
How late is too late to send a thank-you for a Christmas gift?

algunz
02-06-2013, 11:38 AM
Next year?

TomAz
02-06-2013, 12:20 PM
def. not too late now

algunz
02-06-2013, 12:26 PM
Abbreviations? Really? It's come to that?

SlowMotionApocalypse
02-06-2013, 12:30 PM
Scenario: Attended a funeral and about to go and meet for a meal and drinks. Is it in bad form to get drunk, if so, how much should someone drink?

A few weeks ago a suicide prevention sign went up in our neighborhood and it was a point of discussion among our family. I made some comment about how with high unemployment and dwindling natural resources, people should be encouraged to kill themselves. A few days later my cousin killed himself. His funeral is in a few days and I feel very conspicuous if not necessarily guilty.

Should I go?

PotVsKtl
02-06-2013, 12:47 PM
Obvious answer.

TomAz
02-06-2013, 12:50 PM
Abbreviations? Really? It's come to that?

prob. fraid so. ttyl.

algunz
02-06-2013, 01:57 PM
Totes.

SlowMotionApocalypse
05-15-2013, 12:29 PM
HELP! HELP!

Courtney, what should I do? I am counting on you to help me here!

miscorrections
05-15-2013, 01:00 PM
What does your Asperger's have to do with etiquette?

heart cooks brain
05-15-2013, 01:03 PM
etiquette dictates you wait until the third meeting before disclosing your Asperger's with a potential significant other.

TomAz
05-15-2013, 01:06 PM
what should I do? I am counting on you to help me here!

You probably should hang yourself with a lamp cord in advance of the meeting, to spare the young lady the drudgery of your company.

SlowMotionApocalypse
05-15-2013, 01:08 PM
You probably should hang yourself with a lamp cord in advance of the meeting, to spare the young lady the drudgery of your company.

Next April, your blood will spill on the Polo Fields. This I can guarantee.

MOD EDIT: User warned and will be banned if more reported posts from violent threats occur.

SlowMotionApocalypse
05-15-2013, 01:09 PM
What does your Asperger's have to do with etiquette?

I don't have Asperger's. I don't think.

heart cooks brain
05-15-2013, 01:11 PM
Next April, your blood will spill on the Polo Fields. This I can guarantee.

lol.

TomAz
05-15-2013, 01:25 PM
Next April, your blood will spill on the Polo Fields. This I can guarantee.

Are you threatening me?

SlowMotionApocalypse
05-15-2013, 01:30 PM
Are you threatening me?

You go out of your way to disrespect me on a personal level and you will pay.

TomAz
05-15-2013, 01:32 PM
Pay how? Sure you're man enough?

VigoTheCarpathian
05-15-2013, 01:34 PM
You go out of your way to disrespect me on a personal level and you will pay.

The Mongoloid Mafioso says bafangderrrrrrrooooollllll

SlowMotionApocalypse
05-15-2013, 01:35 PM
Pay how? Sure you're man enough?

I have snuck in weapons before

TomAz
05-15-2013, 01:38 PM
A butt plug is not a weapon.

SlowMotionApocalypse
05-15-2013, 01:42 PM
A butt plug is not a weapon.

That's how we did it in prison

SlowMotionApocalypse
05-15-2013, 01:46 PM
Naturally TomAZ digs himself into a hole he can't crawl out of and goes whining to the mod. How typical.


MOD EDIT: but at least now you are aware that threats of violence are not allowed you dumb jerk troll
please put this user on ignore everyone. and stop quoting them. would be way cooler around here

TomAz
05-15-2013, 01:46 PM
There is no hole, there is no whining. Just trying to get some fucktard banned.

guedita
05-15-2013, 01:48 PM
Tom's gonna be hard to shank, his dancing legs fly fast.

SlowMotionApocalypse
05-15-2013, 01:50 PM
There is no hole, there is no whining. Just trying to get some fucktard banned.

Bitch move considering this follows some unprovoked attacks against me. And it would be pretty difficult to keep me off this board for real if I wanted to stay here. I am supposed to be an "alt," remember?

SlowMotionApocalypse
05-15-2013, 01:51 PM
"You probably should hang yourself with a lamp cord in advance of the meeting, to spare the young lady the drudgery of your company."

THIS, IDIOT. In case you forgot.

I have been deeply touched by suicide in my family.

This is not taken lightly.

TomAz
05-15-2013, 01:51 PM
Well now we all know how to get under your skin. tee hee.

locachica73
05-15-2013, 01:52 PM
Finally the board gets entertaining and I have to leave for the day. Boo.

I look forward to reading the follow through tomorrow.

SlowMotionApocalypse
05-15-2013, 01:54 PM
Well now we all know how to get under your skin. tee hee.

You're the one who went whining to mommy. You're the one who can't hang.

TomAz
05-15-2013, 01:56 PM
nm, even arguing with you is tedious as all fuck.

go hang yourself.

HAIRYGOOMBA
05-15-2013, 02:10 PM
Courtney, we need some etiquette guidance here.

SlowMotionApocalypse
05-15-2013, 03:15 PM
Courtney, we need some etiquette guidance here.

I'll never understand why people insist on using their keyboards as instruments of hate when all I ever do is love.

miscorrections
05-15-2013, 03:17 PM
Don't worry, Audra, it wasn't really entertaining. Even the fights here are tedious.

miscorrections
05-15-2013, 03:18 PM
I feel like the entire board is a mad lib that everyone fills in with the same fifty words.

TomAz
05-15-2013, 03:32 PM
I'll kick your ass Corinna.

guedita
05-15-2013, 03:34 PM
I'll (STUPIDLY) kick your (FARTY) ass Corrinna-(TOILET).

madlibbed

TomAz
05-15-2013, 03:38 PM
I'll ADROITLY kick your CONCURRENT ass Corinna MIMEOGRAPH

Neighborhood Creep
05-15-2013, 04:30 PM
http://anongallery.org/img/4975/i-dont-always-fart-in-public-but-when-i-do-i-lean-like-this.jpg

amyzzz
05-15-2013, 04:55 PM
ha, I read that as lick your ass.

VigoTheCarpathian
05-15-2013, 04:59 PM
I like cougar Amy :winkiss

ThatGirl
05-15-2013, 06:50 PM
A butt plug is not a weapon.

Sig'd.

HAIRYGOOMBA
05-15-2013, 07:48 PM
10878
Sig'd.

ICBBP (Inter-Continental Ballistic Butt Plug....weapons of ass destruction)

PlayaDelWes
09-05-2013, 04:02 PM
Dear Courtney,

If a wedding is held at 2 PM in the middle of nowhere on a Thursday, would proper protocol be to include "No Alcohol" in the save-the-date? Or if that oversight was made, to make an announcement during the ceremony so appropriate accommodations could be made prior to the reception?

bmack86
09-05-2013, 04:10 PM
If a wedding is held without alcohol, proper protocol is to not attend.

unit300021
09-05-2013, 04:19 PM
If a wedding is held without alcohol, proper protocol is to not attend.

Agreed, I went to a Muslim wedding once and that was by far the most boring/dull wedding I ever have been to. I knew the no alcohol part going but figured hey it's a wedding it should still be fun. Yeah it really wasn't. I mean maybe it was just the specific people at the wedding but no alcohol and no dancing with the opposite gender isn't that great. It did have some really great food though so there is that.

Courtney
09-05-2013, 04:25 PM
Dear Courtney,

If a wedding is held at 2 PM in the middle of nowhere on a Thursday, would proper protocol be to include "No Alcohol" in the save-the-date? Or if that oversight was made, to make an announcement during the ceremony so appropriate accommodations could be made prior to the reception?

Actually, I think technically if we are going to reference the Emily Post school of etiquette, information about alcohol or lack thereof is in the same category as registry info: it is best spread via word of mouth among attendees, and should not be put in writing if it can be avoided. However, I would say the middle ground would be to include information about lack of alcohol with all the other information about the reception (directions, etc.) either as a separate insert in the same envelope as the invitation and the RSVP card, or as a page on the wedding website.

But more importantly, who holds a wedding on Thursday at 2pm?!

fatbastard
09-05-2013, 04:28 PM
Someone who is pregnant or a cheap ass.

amyzzz
09-05-2013, 04:45 PM
Courtney, did you actually look that up in Emily Post?? You're awesome.

PlayaDelWes
09-05-2013, 06:54 PM
I'm back. Need booze ASAP.

guedita
09-05-2013, 06:56 PM
Who goes to a wedding without bringing their own emergency booze? What is wrong with you amateurs?

bmack86
09-05-2013, 07:14 PM
The last wedding I went to was at a winery. Emergency booze was not a necessity.

SoulDischarge
09-05-2013, 07:17 PM
The word "wedding" is derived from the same ancient Greek word for "open bar."

greghead
09-05-2013, 07:24 PM
The last wedding I went to was at a winery. Emergency booze was not a necessity.

In this case emergency flask is especially necessary in the high probability that I will be cut-off at some point.

But Cara's right. A wedding without a flask in your pocket? :nono

ThatGirl
09-05-2013, 08:06 PM
In this case emergency flask is especially necessary in the high probability that I will be cut-off at some point.

But Cara's right. A wedding without a flask in your pocket? :nono
Is it considered poor etiquette for a Baggie to be used in the absence of an available flask?

xuclarockerx
09-05-2013, 08:11 PM
I was a groomsman in a dry wedding, but we brought flasks.

ThatGirl
09-05-2013, 08:14 PM
The last dry wedding I attended was the union of a Muslim man from India and a Mexican girl who was Catholic. There was very traditional Indian buffet and a mariachi band. Had there been booze it would have been the party of the century but as a dry wedding it was a peculiar event.

amyzzz
09-05-2013, 08:40 PM
My wedding was dry. Unless people brought their own booze. We didn't drink.

Drinkey McDrinkerstein
09-05-2013, 10:37 PM
Holding a wedding in the middle of the day on a week day is absolutely ridiculous. 2pm on a weekend day is ridiculous. Fuck those people.

lehorne
09-06-2013, 04:52 AM
attended one last weekend at Alta Vista Country Club and it was "buy your own" booze. Ran up an unexpected $120. Oh well, the bride looked beautiful.

gazercmh
09-06-2013, 08:31 AM
Who goes to a wedding without bringing their own emergency booze? What is wrong with you amateurs?

A few years ago I went to a wedding where they had booze but only shit beer. I happened to have cold bottles of Parabola and Victory at Sea in my car, so I snuck them in and shared them at our table. One of the servers saw and snitched to the caterer, who brought it up to the bride's dad. The dad smoothed things over but I felt kinda embarrassed about it all, especially since the bride was someone mrs gazercmh worked with and I'd never met her before. But in the end my happiness (and buzz) from drinking something good outweighed my embarrassment...

birdiearch
09-06-2013, 02:46 PM
The word "wedding" is derived from the same ancient Greek word for "open bar."

As a Greek girl, I will legitimize this statement. Good day to you, sir.

birdiearch
09-06-2013, 02:47 PM
Oh, and I'm going to my first wedding, as an adult, next month. (To make some of you feel old)
Not sure about the bar situation, though. Currently, I'm more focused on my 20's costume.

Miroir Noir
09-06-2013, 02:55 PM
Non sequiturs with birdiearch

Miroir Noir
09-06-2013, 02:57 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=sJ0s0KUUpxo

birdiearch
09-06-2013, 02:58 PM
Sorry, I tried.

TheVelvetSmudge
09-06-2013, 05:06 PM
As a Greek girl, I will legitimize this statement. Good day to you, sir.
'
Problem: Have you all noticed the popularity of "Greek?" If what Vigo tells me about prostitutes is true, a girl who does, "Greek," will let you put it in her mud slide. I'm pretty sure it's also used in a man on man context in some circles (as indicated by the film Terrorvision). Now "Greek Yogurt" is a big thing, mostly with women, I would assume, as the commercials always show a woman pigging out on some fruity yogurt. Back to my original question. Why do they call it Greek yogurt, knowing that Greek has a popular meaning of anal sex, when they could call it fruit yogurt? Are "they" trying to popularize anal sex with the women of our nation?

Even more alarming is the commercial popularity of Italy/ Italians lately. The Fiat 500 commercials are about the furking worst. I guess there's some kind of popularity for Italians in the states because of bullpoo like Jersey Shore, but I guess I always assumed only kids watched that garbage. I understand why you would want to popularize other nations, but I'm just not seeing it. What the balding Batman do Americans really care about Italy or Greece? You would think that some small fish like Greece/ Italy wouldn't want to swim with the sharks, knowing how hungry we get.

Solution: We need more Daft Punk commercials.

fatbastard
09-06-2013, 05:11 PM
mud slide yogurt

birdiearch
09-06-2013, 10:22 PM
Huh? Really, Smudge?

TheVelvetSmudge
09-07-2013, 02:02 AM
Fun with hangovers.

miscorrections
09-24-2013, 04:46 PM
Hi Courtney! I could ask you this in person, but: what is the appropriate price range of gifts for people who are writing you letters of recommendation? One is here in town, one is not. Handwritten thank you note, obviously, but I'm a little stumped on the larger gesture. (Edited to add: AFTER the application is fully submitted, not before.)

TomAz
09-24-2013, 05:11 PM
gift card (bookstore, coffee shop, something similar) not to exceed $25.

miscorrections
09-24-2013, 05:28 PM
Thanks for the price suggestion! I was thinking some local coffee for the out-of-towner; the other one is my current boss (who is totally awesome and gives me a really long leash) so I was debating rolling a thank-you gift into a Christmas gift (since school decisions should come in December) and getting him a growler of something good (he and his wife are big beer fans). We're sort of friends outside of work, we've gone to shows and whatnot, so I don't think it would be inappropriate.

TomAz
09-24-2013, 05:33 PM
Yeah that's great. A token of thanks is nice, and keeping it modest assures that no one will misconstrue intent. Your ideas are better than a gift card in that they are more personal and thoughtful (and thus better conveys genuine appreciation).

TomAz
09-26-2013, 11:56 AM
Courtney,

Consider the following purely hypothetical situation on a non-existent fictional internet message board somewhere.

Person A and Person B are friends. Person A sends Person B a message that includes a funny comment about a significant person in Person A's life. The comment is of such a 'personal' nature that Person B suspects Person A may have been drunk when he wrote it. Person B replies to Person A's message, twice in fact, and in the second reply asks for clarification about the comment. Person A ignores B's messages and refuses to acknowledge Person B at all.

Who is in the hypothetical wrong here?

Tom

algunz
09-26-2013, 12:36 PM
Person A may not have had the chance to respond yet to whiney, impatient B?

mountmccabe
09-26-2013, 12:50 PM
A is wrong for being drunk.

A is wrong for talking about other people.

B is wrong for replying to a message more than once.

A is wrong for refusing to acknowledge their friend.

ThatGirl
09-26-2013, 01:43 PM
Sounds like person A feels like a dumbass for said comments, and maybe needs a few days to deal with his embarrassment before responding to person B.

guedita
09-26-2013, 01:44 PM
A is wrong for being drunk.

A is wrong for talking about other people.

B is wrong for replying to a message more than once.

A is wrong for refusing to acknowledge their friend.

A is wrong for being a bad drunk.

bmack86
09-26-2013, 01:52 PM
Tom, hypothetically, what did this person say about the other person to you? Hypothetically, how juicy/insulting were the comments?

guedita
09-26-2013, 01:53 PM
Also, is person (B) friends with person (Aa)?

TomAz
09-26-2013, 01:56 PM
Tom, hypothetically, what did this person say about the other person to you? Hypothetically, how juicy/insulting were the comments?

I am not involved; this is purely a hypothetical.

The comments were not insulting at all, and not juicy unless you consider completely unjustified paranoid jealousy to be juicy.

TomAz
09-26-2013, 01:57 PM
Also, is person (B) friends with person (Aa)?

They've never met.

birdiearch
09-26-2013, 02:00 PM
ELBOWS ON THE TABLE!

Miroir Noir
09-26-2013, 02:09 PM
birdiearch, you're out of your element.

TomAz
09-26-2013, 02:10 PM
it's amusing that she even got the simple rule wrong.

birdiearch
09-26-2013, 02:24 PM
I have this way about me *flips hair*

Courtney
09-26-2013, 10:38 PM
Hi Courtney! I could ask you this in person, but: what is the appropriate price range of gifts for people who are writing you letters of recommendation? One is here in town, one is not. Handwritten thank you note, obviously, but I'm a little stumped on the larger gesture. (Edited to add: AFTER the application is fully submitted, not before.)


gift card (bookstore, coffee shop, something similar) not to exceed $25.


Thanks for the price suggestion! I was thinking some local coffee for the out-of-towner; the other one is my current boss (who is totally awesome and gives me a really long leash) so I was debating rolling a thank-you gift into a Christmas gift (since school decisions should come in December) and getting him a growler of something good (he and his wife are big beer fans). We're sort of friends outside of work, we've gone to shows and whatnot, so I don't think it would be inappropriate.


Yeah that's great. A token of thanks is nice, and keeping it modest assures that no one will misconstrue intent. Your ideas are better than a gift card in that they are more personal and thoughtful (and thus better conveys genuine appreciation).

Woah sorry I totally neglected this thread.

I concur that it should be a token. My price range recommendation would have been around $15-$35. Something thoughtful and personal is good -- consumables are good too, because who needs another knickknack hanging around. When I applied to school most recently, I wrote my recommenders a heartfelt thank you note talking about their importance as mentors in my life etc immediately after they had sent their recommendations off, and then later gave them boxes of Theo chocolates when I had decided on Seattle because I wanted to get them something and simultaneously update them with there I had ended up, and I knew both were big chocolate fans. The chocolates were well received, but honestly I think the thank you letters meant more to them.

Courtney
09-26-2013, 10:49 PM
Courtney,

Consider the following purely hypothetical situation on a non-existent fictional internet message board somewhere.

Person A and Person B are friends. Person A sends Person B a message that includes a funny comment about a significant person in Person A's life. The comment is of such a 'personal' nature that Person B suspects Person A may have been drunk when he wrote it. Person B replies to Person A's message, twice in fact, and in the second reply asks for clarification about the comment. Person A ignores B's messages and refuses to acknowledge Person B at all.

Who is in the hypothetical wrong here?

Tom


Person A may not have had the chance to respond yet to whiney, impatient B?


A is wrong for being drunk.

A is wrong for talking about other people.

B is wrong for replying to a message more than once.

A is wrong for refusing to acknowledge their friend.


Sounds like person A feels like a dumbass for said comments, and maybe needs a few days to deal with his embarrassment before responding to person B.


A is wrong for being a bad drunk.


Tom, hypothetically, what did this person say about the other person to you? Hypothetically, how juicy/insulting were the comments?


Also, is person (B) friends with person (Aa)?


I am not involved; this is purely a hypothetical.

The comments were not insulting at all, and not juicy unless you consider completely unjustified paranoid jealousy to be juicy.


They've never met.

Person A is undoubtedly a very, very bad drunk. However, there could be a number of things going on here -- do you have any information about whether Person A has responded to any of the other messages he has received in the length of time since Person B messaged back? Or if perhaps Person A neglected to notice there was a message to reply to at all because perhaps Person A has other things going on at the moment and message board business has fallen to the bottom of the pile -- have you attempted to contact Person A via any alternate communication channels? How time-sensitive is the nature of Person A's reply to the matter at hand?

TomAz
09-27-2013, 06:30 AM
I haven't attempted anything; this doesn't involve me and anyway is purely hypothetical. But let's say in this hypothetical Person B had seen Person A actively posting in theoretical threads on the non-existent internet message board, and had waited a full 168-hour week before starting to get impatient, but didn't try any other communications channels cuz, you know, s/he didn't want to be a burden.

Anyway I have the answers I need for my paper. thanks everyone!

TheVelvetSmudge
09-27-2013, 02:41 PM
Person B sounds like one of "those" people who finds themselves pissed off at one "friend" or another more often than not over the course of any given week. Person A was regarding them as such, which Person B didn't care much for. Person B, with their huge red face, blew up in anger in an internet message, and Person A, once again, responded accordingly, driving Person B to post an anonymous message wherein they paint themselves as Person B, knowing they're the lesser person of the two. Person C, viewing two days of this nonsense, responds appropriately.

roberto73
09-27-2013, 04:54 PM
Hi Courtney! I could ask you this in person, but: what is the appropriate price range of gifts for people who are writing you letters of recommendation? One is here in town, one is not. Handwritten thank you note, obviously, but I'm a little stumped on the larger gesture. (Edited to add: AFTER the application is fully submitted, not before.)

Maybe this is a symptom of writing letters of rec for college students, but in the twenty or so I write each year I'm lucky to get a thank-you email. Not complaining; it's just a genuine revelation to hear that gifts for letters of rec is a thing. I need to start cashing in.

amyzzz
09-27-2013, 04:59 PM
Corinna is so classy.

Courtney
09-27-2013, 05:16 PM
Maybe this is a symptom of writing letters of rec for college students, but in the twenty or so I write each year I'm lucky to get a thank-you email. Not complaining; it's just a genuine revelation to hear that gifts for letters of rec is a thing. I need to start cashing in.

This is shocking to me. I definitely gave gifts to all of my undergrad professors who wrote letters for me during my senior year of college when I was applying to PhD programs. If memory serves me correctly, in addition to a thank you note, I gave them each a bag of nice artisan coffee and some homemade biscotti.

But writing thank you notes is not only good manners. On a purely practical level, it's also strategic to write thank you notes because if you've successfully received a letter of recommendation from that person once, there is a possibility that you may need to go back and ask that person for another letter for a different purpose later. Moreover, if the person feels really really strongly about the recommendation, the person may take additional steps such as making a personal phone call if you end up on a wait list. Not that the student should expect any of those things to happen, of course. Thank you notes should be written simply because it's the right thing to do.

roberto73
09-27-2013, 06:14 PM
Oh yeah – I'm on board with thank you notes (and gifts) and write them for some fairly inconsequential things, but I'm thinking I need to add this to my job search spiel at the end of each semester. Not out of self-interest, but because my students will likely need three or four for every teaching job for which they apply and get interviews. And I'm not kidding that I get swamped with requests each semester, gladly write the letters, and rarely hear another word. I agree that this is horrible form.

ThatGirl
09-28-2013, 05:54 AM
When we received gifts as children we wrote thank you notes to every person that gave us something. Later in life we were told we were the only kids that did this. But it cemented a grateful and gracious attitude in our heads which was a good thing. Now when I go to a child's birthday party, you see them tearing open gifts not having a clue who gave them what.

amyzzz
09-28-2013, 08:55 AM
Ah man. I need to write some thank you notes.

miscorrections
09-28-2013, 10:36 AM
New conundrum: one of my letter writers asked me to write my own letter and then he'll edit it/submit. Is this common? It seems like a fairly bad idea.

Courtney
09-28-2013, 10:45 AM
I think it's more common in business than in academia -- and perhaps also more common for science than humanities, with co-authorship being such a normative thing?

I would say it's also possibly a sign that either (1) letter writer does not have sufficient time to devote to writing letter, or (2) letter writer is not strongly invested in your success. Both might be potential reasons to consider whether an alternate recommendation writer would be preferable.

miscorrections
09-28-2013, 10:47 AM
I think it's 1). Normally I would shift off to a different letter-writer, but the program is asking for professional recommendations and in the past 6 years I've only held two jobs, so that's not really feasible.

miscorrections
09-28-2013, 10:51 AM
I'm also reluctant to switch up because I'm not sure asking anyone now would give them enough time (apps are due 11/4). I've contacted my previous direct supervisor to see if she has any thoughts or pointers, because she's served as a reference for me in the past and has always been really gracious about it.

Archie Bunker
09-28-2013, 10:56 AM
I think it's more common in business than in academia -- and perhaps also more common for science than humanities, with co-authorship being such a normative thing?

I would say it's also possibly a sign that either (1) letter writer does not have sufficient time to devote to writing letter, or (2) letter writer is not strongly invested in your success. Both might be potential reasons to consider whether an alternate recommendation writer would be preferable.

Say what??

This is actually ideal for the person needing the letter, albeit somewhat weird if you're not used to it.

Basically, instead of being a slave to whatever the person feels like writing, you get the opportunity to craft an absolutely perfect letter that will look great in the eyes of whoever is requesting it.

Everyone wins here -- except whomever is requesting the letter in the first place, as they get cheated somewhat because they're getting an insincere letter, ghostwritten by the subject!

But don't feel too guilty, as letters of recommendation are pretty stupid/useless in the first place, and are rarely sincere. And even if they are sincere, they're always written by the people handpicked by the subject to write something good.

It is highly likely that the person asking for you to write your own letter simply doesn't have the time.

I don't understand why you are shying away from this opportunity to write yourself a great letter in someone else's name. I hope it's not guilt, because your competition is doing the exact same thing.

roberto73
09-28-2013, 11:53 AM
New conundrum: one of my letter writers asked me to write my own letter and then he'll edit it/submit. Is this common? It seems like a fairly bad idea.

I haven't done what you're describing, but when I write letters for my best students – the ones that are carefully crafted and less boilerplate – I always send them a copy for review before sending it. They know the schools and teaching positions they're applying for better than I do, so I want to make sure I say the things they want (and/or need) me to say. In some cases I end up making additions to these early drafts based on student suggestions. It's not co-written, but I certainly welcome the student's input.

JustSteve
09-28-2013, 12:03 PM
When we received gifts as children we wrote thank you notes to every person that gave us something. Later in life we were told we were the only kids that did this. But it cemented a grateful and gracious attitude in our heads which was a good thing. Now when I go to a child's birthday party, you see them tearing open gifts not having a clue who gave them what.

We sit and open our kids' presents with them after the party, once everyone has gone home. No chaos of a dozen or two kids tearing open new toys, they get to actually take the time to see what they got, and we get to write down names.

ThatGirl
09-28-2013, 12:15 PM
I think that's a great idea.

JustSteve
09-28-2013, 12:25 PM
Actually, for my daughters last party, turning 7, she picked a charity and asked for donations in lieu of gifts. We were pretty amazed.

Courtney
09-28-2013, 12:52 PM
I don't understand why you are shying away from this opportunity to write yourself a great letter in someone else's name. I hope it's not guilt, because your competition is doing the exact same thing.

There are two reasons to proceed with caution: it's dubious ethical ground, and it's often explicitly against admission guidelines and could get you kicked out of the grad school if anyone ever found out.