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full on idle
03-13-2007, 06:33 PM
Negative edition because I feel like shit:


Dear #5 Fulton,

I really thought we had a thing going. You're downhill and cross a shorter distance in the morning. I'd often get to even sit DOWN within you on the am ride. Suddenly, you're all full of humanity, multiple forms of you pass me by filled to the gills causing me to be late for work. What happened? You're acting like a slut of a bus.

Regards,
foi
__________________________________


Dear convenience store by my work,

You have to be fucking kidding me. Three dollars and fifty cents for an Odwalla? That's double what I pay at the bodega. Besides, how come when I only had $3 was that suddenly an acceptable price? I should have pretended to only have 2.

Knowledge growing,
foi

___________________________________

Dear my lungs,

Not now. God damn you. It's nice out. You're not getting any more cigarettes. STATED.

Wheezily,
foi

______________________________________

Dear Washington Mutual Bank,

Suck a dick. Holding my checks for seven days will result in a bad financial relationship.

Livid,
foi

_______________________________________

Dear RFIs, BCRs, Submittals, Transmittals, Proposals, PDFs, Logs, Files and giant printers:

I'd like to take this opportunity to tell you that you collectively ruined my day.

Cheers,
foi

psychic friend
03-13-2007, 07:02 PM
Dear foi,

I'm very happy you brought this thread over here. It's long overdue. Sorry about the #5 situation.

xxoo
PF

jackstraw94086
03-13-2007, 07:32 PM
Dear #5,
Don't pay attention to that cranky FOI beyotch. She takes you for granted. Just let her go and consort with a real nasty bitche like the #22. Only then will she start to appreciate you. Hell, I've been consorting with the N and J for a couple years and I sometimes have to let 3-4 of them pass me by before they even give me one square foot to squeeze on before getting jammed up in the subway.

She needs you more than you need her. Don't forget that.

Much Commuterly love,
Jack.

blakely
03-13-2007, 07:42 PM
Dear Overweight Arrogant Business Traveler:
I have news for you. The puppysupply.com company, you so proudly work and travel for, will be going under in the next 6-9 months. By then your egotism and unearned sense of entitlement and privilege will do you nothing but disservice. So return the economy car youve rented, get yourself on the cheapest flight you can find, try not to harass or ridicule the flight attendants on the way, enter your tract home and wedge yourself into your throne of lethargy..... AND STAY FUCKING THERE!

Thank You,
Management

La Ferrassie
03-13-2007, 08:01 PM
Dear Fuse,

You have really been pissing me off lately by playing crappy videos. I understand that My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy, and Mims videos are in high demand, but I think you could play one decent music video once in a while. I think in your allotted time for music videos you could play one Radiohead, Sonic Youth, or Arcade Fire video instead of Fat Joe, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, or Panic! At The Disco, every other video. I am also unhappy with the fact that you have been playing movies on your MUSIC station that have nothing to do with music. I don't think that Texas Chainsaw Massacre or The Poltergeist III have anything to do with music. How about you play movies like This Is Spinal Tap, School Of Rock, or Detroit Rock City that have something to do with music. Fuse is one of the only music video channels and I'm have a deep hatred for your programming.

Thank You,
Patrick

psychic friend
03-13-2007, 08:08 PM
Dear Patrick,

Welcome to when mtv went down hill, 20 + years ago.

sympathetically,
pf

mountmccabe
03-13-2007, 09:32 PM
Dear Subterranean,

Ahh, I often forget about the fact that you actually play good videos. Coachella artist/alumni videos by bands like Peter Bjorn & John, Bright Eyes, Modest Mouse, the Fratellis and Klaxons. You're interesting.

I mean, it's not you, it's me.

I like you.

But I am not in like with you.

You don't draw me to my lovely orange couch which is finally back in the game. You don't make me excited for whenever it is you air with a new episode.

So you linger on the DVR until such time as I am bored enough to watch videos.

See, I never got into that shit. I could never just sit and watch music videos. If there was a 24/7 music video channel like you... then maybe I could get drawn in. But right now there's no rut, there's no history.

So, yeah. I'm just going to be around for the occasional fling and I hope you don't hold that against me.

Yeah, whenever,
John

-------------------

Dear I Spy,

You were pretty terrible. If I wasn't so bored last night. And so unwilling to read or just go to sleep. Man.

Let's not meet again,
John

-------------------

Dear Creative mp3 Player,

Never let me consider going on a trip without you. I mean, I know I took you and came close to pulling off your protective coverings right there on the plane but I know you know that bringing you was a last minute decision. I apologize for this and will never be so rude; I don't care if it's a 20 minute flight.

You complete me,
John

full on idle
03-13-2007, 09:38 PM
Dear John,

Come visit me and watch battlestar gallactica with me. Shit's off the chain.

with humble shout outs to yablo,
foi

La Ferrassie
03-13-2007, 09:43 PM
Dear John,

I think that once you get more mature the entertainment value in music videos are gone. I can't go a day with out watching videos. Subterranean is my go to on the DVR every 20 minutes when I am bored.

Sincerely,
Patrick

Mr.Nipples
03-13-2007, 09:50 PM
Dear Church of Scientology,

GET THE FUCK OUT OF CALIFORNIA ASSHOLES!!!!!

I cant respect you,
David

La Ferrassie
03-13-2007, 09:55 PM
Dear VH1 Classic,

Since I'm caught up on music television at the moment, I would like to say thank you for me wasting my entire afternoon on a metal documentry. Four hours of worthless crap about Led Zeppelin to bad hair metal. It's my fault though because I had the remote in my lap the whole time. So really its just me being a dumb ass.

Whatever,
Patrick

kreutz2112
03-13-2007, 09:59 PM
Dear Toilet,

Please stop running. It is annoying when I have to turn you on and off after I use you. I cant sleep with you on.

Pissed,
Adam

______________________

Dear Grant Writing Professor,

I havent picked a topic yet and its 11:56 pm. I will be ill-prepared for your questions tomorrow.

Thanks,
Adam

__________________________________

Dear FOX News,

Please change your headline "Libby found not guilty of one charge" to "Libby found guilty of three charges."

Shameless,
Adam

blakely
03-13-2007, 09:59 PM
Dear Tom Selleck,

i miss you.....

mustacheless,
blake

full on idle
03-13-2007, 10:02 PM
Dear Toilet

Pissed,

that's some good clever!

kreutz2112
03-13-2007, 10:03 PM
blakely, i was going to write a letter using your misspelled word (reguard). Now since you edited it I will not...

Dear Edit Function,

Thank you for allowing stupid people (myself included) to fix their mistakes.

Eternally Grateful,
Adam

kreutz2112
03-13-2007, 10:04 PM
that's some good clever!

tis, thank you.

Mr.Nipples
03-13-2007, 10:14 PM
Dear PETA,

Thats pigs blood.

Sincerly,
David Smith

blakely
03-13-2007, 10:15 PM
blakely, i was going to write a letter using your misspelled word (reguard). Now since you edited it I will not...

Dear Edit Function,

Thank you for allowing stupid people (myself included) to fix their mistakes.

Eternally Grateful,
Adam


to bad you didnt.... i can see it now...

Dear Blakely,
You misspelled regard.

my deepest reguards,
adam

mountmccabe
03-13-2007, 10:16 PM
Dear Valarie,

I am very glad you like the BSG. It is a wonderful show of joy.

So say we all,
John

PS - Thank you for bringing this thread back. It appears as is there were folks waiting for it.

PPS - Thank you for moving closer. Still a hard row to hoe but we'll see how it works. It would be awesome to see where you live and what it's like to go see a show at the Independant or somesuch.

-------------------

Dear John,

I needs to sleeps now. I know you don't feel tired but you know I'll be done shortly after climbing into bed.

You have stuff to do and such,
Me

-------------------

Dear Cats,

You're crazy.

Yo yo,
John

-------------------

Dear Leslie,

I know you said you weren't going to the Coachella this year but I just gotta say this thread made me think of your carbon copy bit and that was like the greatest thing and I was laughing heartily.

Thanks again,
John

full on idle
03-13-2007, 10:23 PM
Dear Lely,

I miss you too.

hugs,
foi

DeltaSigChi4
03-13-2007, 10:28 PM
Dear Coachella Community,

Delta is back.

Love,

E

Mr.Nipples
03-13-2007, 10:31 PM
Dear Delta,

fuck you...

fuck you,
David

ps...fuck you

DeltaSigChi4
03-13-2007, 10:33 PM
Querido Senor Nipples -

Mamate una verga, mamon.

Sinceramente,

E

R3d Snapper
03-13-2007, 10:37 PM
Dear ipod,

What the fuck is with that awful grinding noise you make, I drop you once and you have a hissy fit?! Give me a fucking break, suck it up pussy.

love,
Daniel

invisiblerobots
03-13-2007, 11:26 PM
to bad you didnt.... i can see it now...

Dear Blakely,
You misspelled regard.

my deepest reguards,
adam

Dear Blakely,
You misspelled too (http://www.quia.com/pop/1000.html).

Sincerely,
i.r.

keriann
03-13-2007, 11:56 PM
dear foi,

recreation of this thread = yesssssss.

<3,
keriann

La Ferrassie
03-13-2007, 11:59 PM
Dear Air,

Thank you for the song "Once Upon A Time". It's good sleepy time music.

Thanks,
Patrick

ewiggy
03-14-2007, 12:01 AM
dear my friend,

my stomach hurts from laughing at the story of you waking up with a giant spider in your mouth. you said you woke up startled because there was a spider in your mouth - this you realized immediately - however, you panicked in your half-awake state and chewed it up a lil' before spitting it out.. and that is hilarious. next time, don't ask questions and just spit. i'm sorry you're traumatized.

still laughing,
kristen

--

dear john,

you're really not holding up your end of the bargin in this phone-calls-from-shows game. get on it, son!

waiting by the phone,
kristen

--

dear guy who was standing next to me with the tiny screaming asian girl who ruined the audio to my videos of band of horses,

you kept calling your date "crazy" and it didn't sound like a compliment. please muzzle her and/or break up with her. she didn't even know the words. you seem nice. it was funny when she asked mid-song for you to get her some water and you just said "no" and went back to being into the music.

xoxo,
kristen

--

dear job, house that isn't selling, massive pile of debt and crazy homeless guy that called me a 'stupid cow' after i politely waited for him to cross the street in front of me before pulling out into traffic,

you seriously make me want to kill myself. except for you, homeless guy - you just make me want to kill you.

ugh,
blah

Mr.Nipples
03-14-2007, 01:52 AM
Querido Senor Nipples -

Mamate una verga, mamon.

Sinceramente,

E

i dont speak spanish, nor do i understand it. i do understand english, thus adress whatever you said here which was obviously directed towards me, in english...you fucking pussy.

J~$$$
03-14-2007, 08:15 AM
Dear shamu,

Mmmmmmm, I see you chompin away at that torta. ohhhhh yummy! Yeah thats totally awesome of you to buy 3 burritos and 2 tortas. I see you are a growing middle aged man who needs his nourishment at 10:00 in the morning. Oh Oh, don't for get to lick the foil, you disgusting man beast. Am I grumpy? no its cool....I just want to push back out to sea. Its also fun to listen to you snore while you are just sitting there. Dear god man you are awake and snoring!


PS sorry Im a dick but my low blood sugar and my morning torta go hand in hand, and thusly you have toyed with my emotions.

eat me,
J~$$$

fac429
03-14-2007, 08:33 AM
Dear Citizens of Long Beach,

In the future, please obey all pedestrian crosswalk signals. I refer you to the California Vehicle Code for specific instructions as to right of way at traffic signals. And for the record, you are not doing me a solid by pausing and waving me through when I have a green light and you are blatantly walking across the street anyway.

Yours in Christ,

fac429

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Guy Who Works at the Liquor Store Near My House,

While I appreciate your prompt customer service, it would be nice if you waited for me to order my bottle of Jagermeister before you turn to grab it from the shelf. When you grab the Jagermeister before I've even asked for it, it makes me feel like an alcoholic.

Cheers,

fac429
__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Sun,

Okay, we get it. You are an astounding collection of constant nuclear explosions which sustain life in this planet. But can you PLEASE tone it down a little? My house does not have air conditioning, and there's only so much an oscillating fan can do when there's no cross-breeze in the living room.

Warmly,

fac429

J~$$$
03-14-2007, 08:48 AM
Dear old man,

Im sorry that I was rude, you were being honest and sincere. Thank you for checking on me to see if I was okay. You just startled me when I woke up. I did not mean to scream at you and tell you to just leave me alone. I thought I was going to shed a tear from the pain and I dont like people being around me when Im in pain. So yeah, Im sorry. :(.

J.

TomAz
03-14-2007, 11:40 AM
Dear Coachella board,

wtf happened to you? You used to be fun, lively, energetic. Now you drool and babble like a quadraplegic. Do you have a head wound?

Concerned,

Tom

Alchemy
03-14-2007, 11:48 AM
Dear Comedy Central,

Why did you cancel Stella?

Sorrowful,
Tim

Tylerdurden31
03-14-2007, 11:50 AM
Dear Eddie Izzard,

Thank you for being an awesome actor in The Riches last night. Unfortunately, I didn't stay awake long enough to watch all of it, but it's on my tivo, so I shall continue to watch your brilliance when I get home tonight.

-Mike

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Minnie Driver,

Thanks for not sucking on The Riches last night.

-Mike

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Laura (the band),

Thank you for making Radio Swan Is Down. It's awesome and helping me get through some really nasty stuff right now. If you ever come to the states, look me up, I'll buy you all drinks.

-Mike

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Women,

You're all fucking crazy.

-Mike

Tylerdurden31
03-14-2007, 11:52 AM
Dear Comedy Central,

Why did you cancel Stella?

Sorrowful,
Tim

Dear Alchemy,

I second that, but I think they drove off a cliff in a pickup truck.

-Mike

-----------------------------------------------

Dear Mika,

Why are you trying to sound like Freddie Mercury?

-Mike

P.S. Dont fuck with my name

fober
03-14-2007, 11:55 AM
To Whom It May Concern:


GET OFF MY PLANE...


Sincerely,

President James Marshall

mob roulette
03-14-2007, 12:10 PM
Dear Mysterious Bruise on My Face,

Where the fuck did you come from? You were not invited. I have not hit my head on anything. I am not currently dating a Nascar fan. There is no explanation for you. GO THE FUCK AWAY.

Love and Bruises,

Hannah

--------------------------

Dear Shampoo,

I would really appreciate it if you could try to not be out of yourself come tomorrow morning. I know it's asking a lot, but i've never asked you for anything. Do your best, hon. 110% is all I ask.

Love, Hannah

-----------------------

Dear The Black Keys,

Thank you for being so amazing. You skyrocketed to one of my all-time favorites the second I first heard "rubber factory". Serious, serious props.

Love, Hannah

----------------------

Dear FIDM,

It is with great pleasure that I inform you that I'm going to get the hell out. You've been awful. If i never see you again, it will be too soon. You've sapped my wallet AND my creativity.

Suck it,

Hannah

i'm so proud. sincerely. especially that last one. i knew you had it in you. now go get you some girl. GET SOME. grrrrr...

Hannahrain
03-14-2007, 02:10 PM
Dear mob,

Thanks. I'm proud of me too. Unfortunately, I'm past the partial refund point, so it would be dumb of me to take off now. I have one more quarter to go in that place. I'm not sure how I'll manage another three months surrounded by the second coming of Stepford, but [as they say on the industry's favorite TV show], I'll make it work.

Love,
Hannah.

thinnerair
03-14-2007, 03:01 PM
Dear People that dont follow format of this thread,

PLEASE FOLLOW FORMAT OF THIS THREAD! Ive got my eye on mob and hannah. Yeah thats right. You.

Following format of this thread,

nando

Hannahrain
03-14-2007, 03:08 PM
Dear Nando,

My humblest apologies. Here at Hannah, quality is our first priority. We have contacted those responsible, and rest assured, they will be punished, and the mistake will be corrected.

Form letterishly yours,

Hannah Rain
President

thinnerair
03-14-2007, 03:17 PM
Dear Hannah,

Ain't no thang.

Regards,
nando

-----------------

Dear new homeowner of an oversized mansion,
Im glad you have extra money to renovate your basement so your maniac kids can play hockey. It is still a bad idea to put down custom carpet tiles in a basement on the North Shore of Long Island and no matter how much your kids like the Islanders, blue and orange carpet squares are fugly. Also, please reconsider using a textured 12x12 wall tile in your bathroom just because theyre on sale. You just bought a 2 million dollar mansion. Drop a couple of extra coins, you maniac.

Just trying to help,
the contractor.

------------------------------

Dear laundry,
go do yourself.

Lazily yours and looking forward to being in you when youre clean,
this guy.

---------------------------
dear slacker friends,
get me this money for our trip, you fucking jerkfaced goons.

Checkbook in hand,
activity coordinator of our group of friends.

------------------

Dear Hoo,
Where you been?

Not concerned or anything, just wondering.
nando

TomAz
03-14-2007, 03:20 PM
Dear nando,

My uncle lives in Bayville. do you know where that is?

Geographically yours,
Tom

thinnerair
03-14-2007, 03:26 PM
Tom,
I am familiar with Bayville, though not too close to it...probably under an hour away. That is way up on the north shore.

Thinking about what Billy Joel said about north shore girls vs. south shore girls,
nando

TomAz
03-14-2007, 03:30 PM
Nando,

How bout Manhasset? that's where my parents grew up.

Billy Joel can go fuck himself,
Tom

blakely
03-14-2007, 03:30 PM
Dear Simple Man,
Thank you for being the best damn song you can be. Lasting 4 decades is an amazing feat and i commend you. Youve inspired me more than jarrod inspires obese people to eat at subway.

In Admiration,
Blake

TomAz
03-14-2007, 03:31 PM
Dear Psychic Friend,

When will the set times be posted?

Anxiously awaiting,
Tom

thinnerair
03-14-2007, 03:35 PM
Tom,
Manhasset is a nice little town.

Sincerely yours in that 'its a small world' kind of way,
nando

---------------

Dear TomAz,
If you've got something to say to Billy Joel, say it to Billy Joel's face. You talk any more shit about Billy Joel and Billy Joel will fucking skin you. You got that?

Under pressure,
Billy Joel

TomAz
03-14-2007, 03:50 PM
Dear Billy Joel,

You are a smarmy little shit and I don't see why anyone likes you. Your songs are self-serving semi-moralistic bits of hackneyed cornball blather that you think make you sound cool but in reality just highlight the fact that you're nothing more than a cheesy lounge singer who sold his cheese to an eager cheese-swilling American public. In 'Piano Man' you mythologized people's everyday problems and made sure everyone knew that it was you everyone turned to for comfort. In 'Honesty' you made sure everyone knew everyone was a bunch of lying twits, except for yourself, of course, you being the true light and the way of truth. But then, in an odd turn, in 'Only the Good Die Young' you told a young girl who made up her own mind what was right and what was wrong for her and her life that no, she should let you be the one to decide, cuz you wanted to get up that catholic school uniform skirt, you fucking sicko. In 'It's Still Rock n Roll to Me' you saw your career flagging and attempted to hop that 'new wave' train that left the station years before -- all the while making sure everyone knew that you were the one who decides what's rock and roll and what's not. In 'Allentown' a few years after that you tried to get on the Springsteen/Mellencamp train by showing sympathy for the same working stiffs you mocked in 'Piano Man'. gimme a fucking break. Eventually you wound up a drunk wreck of a pile of shit, looking to Elton John for handouts. Let me know when you want to hang yourself, I'd be happy to buy you the rope.

Sincerely,
TomAz

UnicornsForBreakfast
03-14-2007, 03:50 PM
Dear a couple of people I know on myspace,

Download aim, or call me, you fucking retards. I hate having to exchange pointless messages with you every 10 minutes over the course of 4 hours.

I'm seriously going to kill you soon,
Julie.

----------------------------------

Dear that one bitch at the gym that sits on the ab machine for 10 minutes in between reps just to piss me off,

I want to strangle you every time I walk into the room, and see you. You sit there forever, playing with your hairs, and TALKING ON THE PHONE in spanish. Every 6 minutes or so, you make a weak attempt at two crunches, and go back to talking on the phone, or just sitting on your ass. I tried to express my disgust with you yesterday, but you just waved your finger at me, and said that you don't speak english. I can't wait on you for an hour, I have things to take care of.

I'm gonna kick you in the head tonight,
Julie.

-------------------------------------

Dear grocery store bag guy,

THINK OF THE GAY BABY WHALES. Every time you "nonchallantly" run your hand down my arm handing me my groceries, I have to run home and take a shower to cleanse myself of your creepiness residue. Do you know how much water you've forced me to waste this week? Save it for someone with lower self esteem.

I will never love you,
Julie.

PS- Complimenting a total stranger's boobs is highly inappropriate.

blakely
03-14-2007, 04:01 PM
PS- Complimenting a total stranger's boobs is highly inappropriate.


fuck...... i have some apologies to make......

TomAz
03-14-2007, 04:05 PM
Dear blake,

what part of the 'letter' format do you not get?

Consider this a teachable moment,
Tom

thinnerair
03-14-2007, 04:05 PM
Dear Tom,
Shame on you for trying to oversimplify Billy Joel's career and misinterpreting Billy Joel's career. If you knew anything about Billy Joel, you would understand that Billy Joel has always expressed love and respect for Billy Joel's community of Long Island. Your claim of me jumping on the bandwagon of sympathizing for working stiffs. Billy Joel has been a strong supporter of the local fishermen and very active in passing laws and regulations protecting Long Island's waters and fishermen. Billy Joel understands that this is a livelihood that has has provided for families for many generations and Billy Joel works hard to protect these working stiffs.

As for touring with Elton John...Billy Joel likes hanging out with eccentric dudes that used to dress like Donald Duck. Billy Joel does not care about writing hits. Billy Joel writes classical pieces now. Billy Joel can crash as many cars as Billy Joel wants because Billy Joel owns half of Long Island.

Compare Billy Joel to Mellencamp again and Billy Joel will kick the dick off you. Billy Joel was an amateur boxer, ya know. Had you said that 'River of Dreams' was crap, Billy Joel would say nothing, but you talk too much crap.

Figuring out why Billy Joel is typing at Nando's apartment,
Billy Joel

blakely
03-14-2007, 04:08 PM
Dear Tom,
Mi scusi.

Forever in your debt,
Blake

TomAz
03-14-2007, 04:10 PM
Dear Billy Joel,

Droopy-eyed Long Island boys don't scare me. Bring it on.

Also, Billy, everything I know about you I got off of AM radio in the late 70s and early 80s. I was there, dude. I heard your fucking tripe day and night. It was everywhere you turned. And it was bad. Bad, bad, banal, bland, boring bullshit is what it was. Don't tell me I don't know your work, I fucking had to live through it, not like these kids today.

Sorry about the Mellencamp thing though. I admit that was a low blow.

Tom

thinnerair
03-14-2007, 04:28 PM
Dear Tom,
Billy Joel understands that some of the lyrical content may be at times "inconsistent" in quality, but Billy Joel does not compose bad, bland, banal, bland, boring bullshit. Granted, "scenes from an italian restaurant" starts off as a nice romantic song and turns into the story of a couple Billy Joel once knew, but there are many people that can relate to that story. In that sense, Billy Joel could very well be much like Springsteen. So, maybe Billy Joel is not offended after all. If you are looking for inaccuracies in Billy Joel's lyrics, you may just be reading them wrong. For example, you may think that Billy Joel is talking about Billy Joel in "The Ballad of Billy the Kid" but you are mistaken. Billy Joel will not apologize for any lyrical content, except for "We didnt start the fire" which Billy Joel guesses is a bit of a rip off of REM's "It's The End of the World"

Billy Joel thinks you are just jealous because you are not with an Uptown Girl.

Just sayin'
Billy "The Angry Young Man" Joel

La Ferrassie
03-14-2007, 04:40 PM
Dear Arizona Diamondbacks,

I'm tired of your organization getting me excited every off-season. This year you change your logo and colors and get Randy Johnson. When I looked at this years roster I think that you have to many unproven young up-and-comers in your line up that need some more time down in the minors. I'm excited for this season, but the bottom of my stomach thinks that you will finish last in the worst division in the MLB, the NL West. Best of luck this season.

Unsure,
Patrick

thinnerair
03-14-2007, 04:50 PM
Dear JetBlue,
Thanks for refunding my flight that I took in February.
It was a nice little surprise in my checking account. I am still a satisfied customer, even though you fucked up.
You go, girl.

nando

vinylmartyr
03-14-2007, 04:50 PM
Dear La Ferrassie

Can you please ask them to get rid of that stupid Snake rattle they play during home Diamondback games.

Dodgers fan
vm

La Ferrassie
03-14-2007, 04:54 PM
Dear vinylmartyr,

I don't know if I could get that done, but it would be nice to get rid of it. I also hope this year they don't play that stupid Fort Minor song with all of the percentages before they take the field.

Understandably,
Patrick

John Peel is My Co-pilot
03-14-2007, 06:14 PM
Dear St. Patrick

Thank you for giving those of us who aren't alcoholics or students an excuse to start drinking at 9am.

Alchemy
03-14-2007, 06:14 PM
Dear Newton,

Three laws of motion is too much for me to care to know. Next time, be more efficient and get it all down in one law.

Energized,
Tim

roberto73
03-14-2007, 06:34 PM
Dear cats,

Please stop waking me up at 4:00 A.M. There's food in your bowl. Either you practice self-reliance, or tonight I break out the spray bottle.

Sleepily yours,
Rob

------------------------------------

Dear end of quarter papers,

I don't want to grade you. It's nothing personal, but there are definitely things I'd rather be doing with my time. Would you mind grading yourselves? Thanks.

Procrastinatingly yours,
Rob

---------------------------------------------------

Dear Chuck Woolery,

Everyone loves Bob Barker, but for my money you're the greatest game show host ever. "Lingo" allows me to put off grading my papers. I appreciate it.

I wrote this in two minutes and two seconds,
Rob

Hannahrain
03-14-2007, 06:47 PM
Dear Roommate,

I'm sorry for all the hate. I don't really HATE you, but you're an easy target, and the hate has to go somewhere.

And also, why does our apartment smell like pickles? Before you got here it smelled nice. Then you came in, and now it smells like brine. What the crap is that about?

Tolerant but annoyed,

Hannah

bballarl
03-14-2007, 07:26 PM
Dear 15-20 page paper on the Korean War,

I need to start you, but I can't. I just can't do it. I just don't care. Whatev.

Your non-author,

Andrew

bleep
03-14-2007, 07:45 PM
Dear credit cards,
Fuck you and your APRs. I'm sick of transferring balances. I don't care about accumulating points for junk I'll never claim. Don't call me during dinner about fraud protection services. I know "Bob" on the other line is really Kumar from India. Stop messing with my credit score. Can u forget my balances for once?
Your "reluctant but needy" customer,
bleep

Hannahrain
03-15-2007, 02:04 PM
Dear Johnny Cash,

I know this is asking a lot, but would you mind trying to be a little less dead? It would really make my day.

Love, Hannah

PS-Maybe if you're making the trip back anyway, you could bring Buddy Holly with you. And punk. And latin.

La Ferrassie
03-15-2007, 02:14 PM
Dear Phoenix Suns,

Thank you for such a great game last night. I accually feel that you might have a chance to get to the finals this year. The Mavs are a good team and even though you lost to them 2/3 meetings this year, in a seven game series you have a chance.

Faithful,
Patrick

Hannahrain
03-15-2007, 02:23 PM
Dear Alchemy,

According to the index, it is your birthday. Happy birthday!

Love, Hannah

blakely
03-15-2007, 02:49 PM
Dear Sudden Onslaught of Dizziness,
Where did you come from? How long will you be here? Was it you that brought headache and nausea over this morning? Are you a symptom of the flu or simply a byproduct of last nights drinking? Ive had hangovers before, but nothing like you, Ill give you that. I feel like ive been on the fucking Tea Cups all god damn day. If you do not vacate my head by 5:00 PM (PST) I will be forced to take more drastic action on your ass. And by that i mean, leaving work sick to go home and torture you with episodes of Boy Meets World Ive TiVo'd.

Reeling,
Blake

thefunkylama
03-15-2007, 03:50 PM
Dear Pencil,

Draw better.

The piano's drunk, too,
Alma

Hannahrain
03-15-2007, 03:52 PM
Dear Alma,

Please forward that last one to my pencil.

Tom Waits would be proud,
Hannah

codytwo
03-15-2007, 04:13 PM
Dear PBR,

You are a cruel mistress.

-cody.

thefunkylama
03-15-2007, 04:37 PM
Dear everyone who uses the abbreviation "PBR,"

Unless you're talking about Professional Bull Riding, stop it. You're confusing me.

My mom roots for the bulls,
Alma

------------------------------------
Dear Cody II,

Your avatar and mine look as though they should be in the same yard. Either the llama is watching your child with puppy with disdain, or ignoring them with disdain. Either way, my llama does not approve.

I still love puppies,
Alma

CuervoPH
03-15-2007, 05:47 PM
Dear Groundhog,

Before you had to go attempt to be a weather prognosticator, we were having a rather mild winter. Since you saw your fucking shadow and proudly exclaimed (in groundhogese) "Spring is coming early", however, we have had a major ice storm, a snowstorm, and we have another snowstorm on the way. I know this will not stop you from trying to predict weather in the future, but I would like to remind you how easy it is to prepare groundhog stew.

Sincerely,
Me

semisonic
03-15-2007, 06:21 PM
Dear Our Clothes Dryer:

Thanks for putting those huge blue splotches on my two brand-new shirts and our towels. Ever since we got you, we have faithfully cleaned your lint screen, properly sorted our clothes by color and used the correct termperature settings. This is the thanks we get? For an appliance, you have it pretty damned easy, you know. A few times a week we ask that you tumble our clothes around and blow hot air on them. How difficult can that be? I hope you really enjoyed your little prank, because by this time next week you're going to be sitting at a recycling yard waiting to be crushed and melted down to make toasters or cheese shredders or whatever. Meanwhile, a young, full-featured and reliable replacement will have taken your place and we will have forgotten you ever existed.

Sincerely,

Your splotch-shirted soon-to-be-ex-owner.

atom heart
03-15-2007, 06:37 PM
And latin.

that reminds me.

Dear Radiohead and Ceasar's Palace, Las Vegas,

SUB EST PLI NOVA SUPRENI and GIFTUS CARDUS are just two examples of truly appalling nonLatin, and I would greatly appreciate if you two distinguished entities would desist in spreading such pretentious nonsense around. If you want to use a dead language, please don't assume that no one will know what it actually is and so create this absurd gibberish. It's insulting.

I want the five minutes of my life it took for me to figure out that pli is French, not Latin.

Disgusted,
Atom

Mr.Nipples
03-15-2007, 07:47 PM
ZgSBhlw-o9E

amyzzz
03-16-2007, 11:38 AM
Dear Our Clothes Dryer:

Thanks for putting those huge blue splotches on my two brand-new shirts and our towels. Ever since we got you, we have faithfully cleaned your lint screen, properly sorted our clothes by color and used the correct termperature settings. This is the thanks we get? For an appliance, you have it pretty damned easy, you know. A few times a week we ask that you tumble our clothes around and blow hot air on them. How difficult can that be? I hope you really enjoyed your little prank, because by this time next week you're going to be sitting at a recycling yard waiting to be crushed and melted down to make toasters or cheese shredders or whatever. Meanwhile, a young, full-featured and reliable replacement will have taken your place and we will have forgotten you ever existed.

Sincerely,

Your splotch-shirted soon-to-be-ex-owner.

You sure you didn't leave a pen in your pocket?

caco0283
03-16-2007, 12:42 PM
Dear Blonde Bimbo I work with,

You are getting fired at the end of this movie and I'm not. That's what you get for not knowing how to make a movie with your mind and heart instead of what lies in between your thighs

xoxoxox
cacolious

mob roulette
03-16-2007, 12:50 PM
Dear Blonde Bimbo I work with,

You are getting fired at the end of this movie and I'm not. That's what you get for not knowing how to make a movie with your mind and heart instead of what lies in between your thighs

xoxoxox
cacolious

best. post. ever.

Alchemy
03-16-2007, 12:57 PM
Dear Hannah,

This is my thank you letter for that wonderful letter I recieved from you on my birthday.

Appreciative,
Tim (Alchemy)

La Ferrassie
03-16-2007, 04:09 PM
Dear Bill Gates,

Can you stop nickle and dimeing me. Every time I buy one of your products I have to buy another 100 dollars worth of crap to make it work. For my X Box 360 I bought a $50.00 remote and a $60.00 game. I already paid $400 for the system. Then when I bought my Zune you make me pay $15 dollars a month for unlimited downloads when I can go to Yahoo music and pay half that, plus the Zune dosen't work with Last.fm. I'm the idiot for buying your products. I knew Apple was cooler.

What Gives,
Patrick

codytwo
03-16-2007, 05:01 PM
Dear Llamas,

Please. Everyone knows you are the poor man's Alpacas. Quit kidding yourselves.

Cody

SheriNOIR
03-16-2007, 05:30 PM
Dear thread,

You're quite a funny one, don't change.

Happily,
Sheri.

- - - - - - - - -

Dear Troma,

Why do you come to England and show the preview of Poultrygeist the same time I will be dancing away at Coachella.
I have been waiting far too long for this, why can't you be in America when I am ?

Tromatized forever,
Sheri.

Mr.Nipples
03-16-2007, 06:17 PM
ahh a fellow troma fan...

fatbastard
03-16-2007, 06:18 PM
Dear overgrown pinkie townail.
Thank you for snagging against my work socks every morning. I apprecaite the reminder that you need to be trimmed. As you are aware, I prefer to soak in the tub with you for at least 30 minutes so that your nice and soft before being trimmed. I am not neglecting you. I have received the same requests for attention from your other counterparts over the last couple of weeks. Work has been busy. I sometines sense that you feel that I am procrastinating by spending an abundent amount of time on the message board. I can assure you that this is not the case. I am trying to avoid stress and the message board works as an outlet to relax. You don't want to become brittle and unhealthy as a result of me having bad nerves do you? Again, I appreciate the reminder. I intend on trimming all of you next weekend. Class will be over and I will be getting a haircut on Saturday. This will be a perfect opportunity for all of us to soak in the tub and spend time with one another while reading the paper. I look forward to our time together.

Love always,
Fat Bastard

keriann
03-16-2007, 07:24 PM
Dear tourists who swarm the train I take to work,

At first I thought I could handle you. I thought that you would amuse me and that I could laugh to myself at your stupid coffee cups and stupid maps and stupid vacation-wear that includes "San Francisco, California" t-shits. Instead, you are making me want to take my own life. I know you're having a nice little vacation, but get the fuck out of my way, I'm trying to get to work on time.

Searching for a transportation alternative,
Keriann

John Peel is My Co-pilot
03-16-2007, 08:02 PM
Dear Sanjeet

Stop pretending to be "Bob", or "Michael" or, heaven help me, "Donald". I know you are not calling from the Verizon store in the Mall, but are, in fact, in New Delhi, being paid the equivalent of a Snickers bar a day to get me to try and switch cellphone networks.

And if you see that fucker with the Dish Network, tell him that calling me with recorded messages is rude and will possibly result in his office being involved in a firebombing one day.

I'm just sayin'...

atom heart
03-16-2007, 08:11 PM
Dear Keriann

I'm sorry, but the BART is so much fun.
I only went on a metro train once, and the street car operators are badass. Really badass.

Atom

Encaitare
03-17-2007, 03:18 PM
Dear Incompetent Patrons Who Are Not Familiar With Theatre Etiquette,

I know that most of you have probably never been to a theatre before, and that you're only here because your son/daughter/neice/nephew/brother/sister/bf/gf/classmate/school requirement/fuckbuddy is in the Community College Dance Departement, which we are considerate enough to let use our beautiful venue for their annual Dance Spectrum. This is why we're making it really easy for you by having numerous flyers up with ticket info and performance times, as well as extended business hours. And despite our meager salary, we are trained Customer Service Reps, and we know how to do our job, so when you buy your $12 ticket, we repeat the performance date, time, and restrictions not once, not twice, but three times for you, just so you don't get confused. Even when you're rude and say you've heard it all before, because we know you'll forget that there is NO late seating, that it IS a final sale, and there are NO children under the age of 5 admitted. And YES, that means no infants either. So when you show up at 8:07 with your two preschoolers and your tickets for the show that was yesterday, and demand to get into tonight's sold out show that has already started, guess what? FUCK OFF. YOU, ma'am, are in the wrong. I know that it's hard to swallow, and you can yell and pound the bullet proof window and demand to speak to the manager, (like she is going to be here after 5pm on a weekend anyways), but maybe had you listened to us when we sold you the tickets, LOOKED at the tickets in your hand that had the day and time clearly printed on them, (surprise! not today's date!) maybe you wouldn't be in this dilema. And then there is always the possibility that had you simply been a little bit less of a fire breathing biotch about it all, we would have been a litte more accepting to your situation. Don't tell me to fix my mistake and to do it quickly, when it is you that is clearly in the wrong, and I am already doing overtime by even listening to you waste air.

Sincerely,
Your Friendly Customer Service Representative

__________________________________________________ _______________

Salude Olive Garden -

Let me preface this by saying that you are not, in fact, a real italian resturant. Nor are you the fancy resturant that you lead us on to be, despite the fact that you are the must go to for every Jr. High and High School prom or winter formal dinner, wedding rehersal, or anniversary date. Just because we are a town of migrant field workers and white trash, do not mock us, we know better.

But really now, how do you get off by charging $3.50 for a side of marinara sauce??!? Especially when all I am ordering is the lunch special of unlimited salad and bread sticks for $5.99, and a glass of water? It wasn't even enough marinara to finish off one basket of bread sticks with. A "slight charge" does not = $3.50!! Must you rape me for every penny I am worth? The sauce isn't even that special, it tastes just like Prego to me, which I could buy an entire fucking jar of for less than 2 bucks at Food 4 Less, which is open 24 hours, (unlike you, Olive Garden).

I'm over you, I won't be used. I'm better than that.
Truly Yours,
Jamie

La Ferrassie
03-17-2007, 07:53 PM
Dear Jack White,

I like your style. Guitar and fashion. You are cool. I hate how people say that your guitar playing is sloppy. That's what is good about your guitar solos. And You are in two of the coolest bands. You are just awsome.

Your Fan,
Patrick

ewiggy
03-17-2007, 08:14 PM
Dear la ferraisse,

I can't tell if your complete and utter disregard to correct grammar is some strange attempt at being ironic, or if you are really so ignorant as to use "Your" incorrectly 3 times in one post that is only 7 sentences long, including the fragments. You did use it correctly 4 times, but that's only a 57% success rate, so you still fail.

Try again,
ewiggy

full on idle
03-18-2007, 08:14 AM
Dear Ewiggy,

From your mouth to god's ears.

In agreeance,
foi

_____________________________________

Dear Jamie,

Those were two excellent letters. A fine contribution.

Keep the dream alive,
foi

_____________________________________

Dear board member that left the sadistic taunt as a text message on my phone last night (and you know who you are),

It wasn't funny. They stole my bus pass. You won't be laughing at my misfortune once I can summon wolves.

We won darts,
foi

La Ferrassie
03-18-2007, 08:41 AM
Dear ewiggy,

I'm sorry I suck a grammar. I'll do better next time.

I'm stupid,
Patrick

caco0283
03-18-2007, 09:09 AM
dear UF baskerball team,

you better win in an hour or else i will have to run wear a dress next time i go to brus room.

xoxoxoxo,
cacolicious

thinnerair
03-18-2007, 10:02 AM
Dear burrito joint from last night,
It was awesome meeting you last night. I know burritos aren't the most Irish way of ending of St. Patty's but it was worth it. I will however protest at charging $7 for half of a chimichanga. That is a bit excessive. Sure you have fresh ingredients and they cost a bit more. Sure you pay a decent amount of rent as you are situated just off of Union Square, but its still only half of a fried burrito covered in stuff. I won't dispute that it was delicious. I'm just asking for you to really think about how much you are really worth. That's all.
Look deep inside your delicious fried burrito heart. You know what's up.

Looking forward to eating you again,
nando

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Kristen,
That pitbull is adorable. Can you FedEx it to me?
Just wondering,
nando

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear guy with stickers of shamrocks on your face,

You aren't all that funny. You looked like a bedazzled penis.
Stop trying so hard.

More irish than you,
nando

roberto73
03-18-2007, 10:09 AM
Dear Guinness,

I really missed you. We should meet up more than once a year in March. Thanks for tasting so good last night.

Erin go bragh,
Rob

atom heart
03-18-2007, 10:40 AM
Dear AT&T Yahoo Highspeed Internet,

My "highspeed" is not as fast as my previous service, which did not have such a title, and did NOT cut out randomly, leaving the various WiFi enabled laptops in this residence high and dry, and for which we are paying more to recieve. None of this would have happened if your previous box had not died suddenly just out of warranty. I smell conspiracy.

Frustrated,
Atom

codytwo
03-18-2007, 11:19 AM
dear hungry,

uuuuuugghhhhhh....

-cody

ewiggy
03-18-2007, 11:20 AM
dear nando,

couple holes in a big ol' box and i'm sure we could work it out. that dog looks like it should belong to you.

ships out today,
kristen

Hannahrain
03-18-2007, 01:53 PM
Dear Hannah,

It is really time you cleaned your apartment. Seriously. You aren't the only one who lives here, you know.

Nagging,
Your Conscience
----------------------------
Dear Conscience,

Go to hell. You're a dumb bitch.

Disgruntled,
Hannah
-----------------------------
Dear Mess,

Clean yourself the fuck up. Don't make me tell you again.

Domineering,
Hannah
-----------------------------
Dear Sandwich,

You would be much better if you had tomatoes. Just sayin.

Work on that.

I'll probably eat you anyway,
Hannah
-----------------------------
Dear Maintenance Man,

I know you have to cover this whole building. But thus far, I've been very unimpressed. It took you 4 tries to even show up to fix the closet. I don't even want to know HOW long it's going to take to get the window fixed. Do try to hurry it up, please. It's fucking COLD in here.

Shivering,
Hannah

CuervoPH
03-18-2007, 02:26 PM
Dear Texas and Memphis,

I need both of you to win for me to keep pace with Caco. However, don't do it for me. Do it for your fans. In the rounds I've picked you to lose, then you can do it for me.

Thanks,
Sir Bracketology

Tylerdurden31
03-18-2007, 04:21 PM
Dear Roommate,

Sure it's awesome that you got a brand new 42" inch plasma and it's great that you got a new entertainment center for it. But seriously...when you move all my shit without asking and not even putting it somewhere useful...that's fucked up. Don't leave my tivo ON TOP of my record player. At least have the courtesy to put the record player on top of the speaker like we talked about. Thanks for making my tivo practically useless and you better fucking help me move my tv from the living room to my bedroom you fucker.

Thanks for nothing,
Mike

Hannahrain
03-18-2007, 04:51 PM
Dear Stagefright,

FUCK OFF.

Traumatized,
Hannah

I'm Rosetta Stoned
03-18-2007, 06:13 PM
Dear Boston Red Sox,
Will you try to stay healthy and not blow it again. You guys have the 3rd highest payroll in the MLB. Please, with sugar on top, WIN THE FUCKING WORLD SERIES!!!!!! With Much Admiration, Matt

dedzilla
03-18-2007, 06:44 PM
Dear Sunshine,

I greatly enjoyed your brief appearance this evening, but where were you earlier today? Seriously, wtf. I shall make note of your tardiness and place this in your permanent record. Please try to show up on time tomorrow morning. I appreciate your cooperation in advance.

Best Regards,

Chelle

I'm Rosetta Stoned
03-18-2007, 07:01 PM
Dear Mars Volta,
Thank you for making an amazing record. I wish I knew what the fuck you were singing about Cedric, maybe I dont do enough drugs...... -Matt

codytwo
03-18-2007, 07:08 PM
Dear Mars Volta,

Don't believe them. You suck. Trust me. You really suck.

Cody

amyzzz
03-18-2007, 07:09 PM
Dear work,
I don't wanna go back. Oh well.

Amy

Hannahrain
03-18-2007, 07:09 PM
Dear I'm Rosetta Stoned,

Please sign your letters, unless they are secret admirer notes or anonymous threats. Unsigned letters are creepy.

Signed,
Hannah

I'm Rosetta Stoned
03-18-2007, 07:29 PM
Hannah,
There you go. Thank you for the suggestion Respectfully, Matt

Hannahrain
03-18-2007, 07:34 PM
Dear La Ferrasie,


suck a grammar

I think this has potential to become a standard insult. Make it happen.

Love always,
Hannah

SheriNOIR
03-18-2007, 09:07 PM
Dear Coachella Board,
Are you aware that it is 5.00am and I have to be up in two hours ?
I'd appreciate it if you could fiddle with these timezones a little, if it is not too much trouble. I know I am not asking too much of you but, for whatever reason, should you find the above difficult, I'll just take a cup of strong coffee please. Black, one sugar.

Also.. I'm a little short right now since your beloved festival is bleeding me dry, could you lend me a tenner?

Your best friend,
Sheri.

SheriNOIR
03-18-2007, 09:28 PM
Dear America,
You should turn nocturnal.

Just a thought..
Sheri.

codytwo
03-18-2007, 09:42 PM
Dear Chat Room,

You don't work for me. What gives?

Cody

TheWatcher
03-18-2007, 09:56 PM
Dear Security Guard at the Wiltern:

Thank you for letting the males and females into separate lines. As the fanbase at the concert was 90% female/10% male, and there were people waiting since the day before in close to freezing temperatures, we especially appreciated being forced to wait, while the males that showed up at the last minute got into the pit area.

Insulting the females, mentioning "tampons", and saying "stop thrusting" when people were trying to move forward in line was an especially personal touch!

Telling people to move backwards into a single file line, when there were people 5 deep all the way around the block who did not get the news was just brilliant!

Oh, and a special thanks for spending all your time searching for cameras instead of helping small girls out of the pit. They got to "fend for themselves". And, searching my wallet(!?>&) for a camera was priceless.

I'll tell ALL my friends about your venue!

-Unhappy Camper
************************************************** ******

Dear DMV,

Thank you for giving me the practice at holding my temper when trying to make an appointment at your website. Although I have not been able to get through to you by phone for over 10 years, I keep hoping that you will someday get your act together! See, I am practicing optimism!

-Back seat driver

kennycarly
03-19-2007, 01:19 AM
Dear Peter Debnam and Morris Iemma

Neither of you fucks are getting my vote on Saturday.
I'm giving a Donkey vote! Not that I particularly care either way,
but I'm sick of seeing these bloody slur campaign ads four times
every ten minutes while my wife watches the Biggest Loser.

kennycarly
03-19-2007, 01:23 AM
Dear Guinness,

No, you ARE a Beer milkshake! Unless you're on Red Dwarf then that's not cool.

Stefinitely Maybe
03-19-2007, 04:27 AM
Dear Moscow,

Why are you making it so impossible for me to book a damn hotel room? No I do not want to spend £200 a night. Just a room with a bed and access to running water is fine with me. But every time I phone, nobody answers, or - if they do - they don't speak English, and they hang up on me. And all the places that AREN'T £200 a night seem to be booked up, or do not respond to my emails.

It is stressing me out. Please sort it out.

Also, warm up a bit, would you?

Thanks,

Stef

caco0283
03-19-2007, 04:30 AM
Dear Drunk Chinawoman,

Thank you so much for throwing you beer all over me on Saturday during the Panthers game and screaming happy St Patricks Day at me but when the fuck did the chinese get invaded by the irish so you can pick up on their customs and make me cold during the fucking game. Thank you chinawoman thank you oh so much. I can't wait to see you on the chinese new year so i can throw chopsticks at you and scream happy new year

now dry in the comfort of my office,
cacolicious

Courtney
03-19-2007, 04:44 AM
Dear Stefinitely Maybe,

Have you tried Hotel Sputnik? Moderately priced for all your post-commie bland modernist architecture needs. They also have a damn good breakfast with pierogies and alcohol (if so desired).

Jet-settingly yours,
Courtney

PS, buy yourself a ushanka for the cold weather. You know you want to.

caco0283
03-19-2007, 06:08 AM
Dear Hannah,

Why are you up so early??? Go to bed and have horrible nightmares

love always,
cacolicious

Hannahrain
03-19-2007, 06:17 AM
My Dear Caco,

Not early. Late.

If I fall asleep now I'll get a full twenty minutes,
Hannah

caco0283
03-19-2007, 06:20 AM
Dear Hannah,

Stay off the drugs

xoxoxoxoxo,
Cacolicious

Hannahrain
03-19-2007, 06:43 AM
Dear Caco,

Baby Steps.

I <3 you but I'm not IN <3 with you,
Hannah

caco0283
03-19-2007, 06:55 AM
Dear Hannah

what movie was that from? the i love you but im not in love with you?

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxooxoxoxoxoxoxox oxoxoxoxoxooxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox,

cacolicious


ps: i just thought of it....its from chris rocks first movie as a director...head of state...but it was a bit different
"i know you but i don't know know you"

Hannahrain
03-19-2007, 07:07 AM
Dear Caco,

I couldn't remember, so I tried to google it. Google misunderstood it as a breakup attempt, and told me it didn't want to see me anymore. Apparently that bitch Yahoo told it about this time I drunkenly used Ask.com (without a firewall no less).

kisses,
Hannah

Stefinitely Maybe
03-19-2007, 07:12 AM
Dear Stefinitely Maybe,

Have you tried Hotel Sputnik? Moderately priced for all your post-commie bland modernist architecture needs. They also have a damn good breakfast with pierogies and alcohol (if so desired).

Jet-settingly yours,
Courtney

PS, buy yourself a ushanka for the cold weather. You know you want to.

Hotel Sputnik is £95 a night, are you insane!?!?!!!!!

caco0283
03-19-2007, 07:13 AM
Dear Hannah,

Once again stay off the drugs.

sincerly,

a very hungry caco



**************************


Dear boss,

if you hire another cute girl because she slept with somebody I'm going to braid my hair and come to work in a mini skirt after i shave my legs. You don't need more bimbos, we have enough, you don't need any....i alone can do the work that they all do. I can do it quicker and I can do it correctly. How do I know that??? BECAUSE I HELP THEM WITH ALL THERE SHIT!!!! ENOUGH ALREADY!!! Haven't you ever heard of a one night stand??

grrrrrrrrr
the guy with long hair that you can mistaken for a girl from the back

Courtney
03-19-2007, 07:15 AM
what movie was that from? the i love you but im not in love with you?

Isn't that from like every romantic comedy ever? It's what the rich, self-absorbed old boyfriend tells the endearingly clueless girl before dumping her. Then she goes into a deep depression, eats xyz unhealthy food perhaps with girlfriends while crying about it, other stuff in her life gets messed up as well, and while still depressed she meets the quirky but attractive leading man who she initially loathes but eventually falls in love with. Throw in a couple plot twists and a happily ever after for good measure.

Courtney
03-19-2007, 07:18 AM
Hotel Sputnik is £95 a night, are you insane!?!?!!!!!

Woah, sorry, apparently the Russian economy is doing well. Or the kids at Hotel Sputnik are now running a much different ship. When I stayed there it was more like £40 per night.

caco0283
03-19-2007, 07:20 AM
dear courtney,

i think you might be speaking about your relationship...come speak to me in the ask caco relationship advice thread and I will fix you up.

concerned,

Dr. Caco Ph.D

Stefinitely Maybe
03-19-2007, 07:20 AM
The Russian economy definitely seems to have improved. Almost every hotel seems to be charging astronomical prices, or be fully booked.

Courtney
03-19-2007, 07:35 AM
Dear Stefinitely Maybe,

How do you feel about cardboard boxes? I hear they're quite reasonable.

That, or perhaps you can just sleep your way to the top of the music biz. I hear Liam is single again.

opportunities abound,
Courtney

I'm Rosetta Stoned
03-19-2007, 07:41 AM
To Whom it May Concern,
This is the funniest, most entertaining, and theraputic thread on this entire board(and possibly the entire internet). Matt

Courtney
03-19-2007, 07:43 AM
Dearest Dr. Caco,

You see right through me. Now when is the hopeful montage of me being endearing going about my normal daily routine while trying to get over my ex-boyfriend, set to a cliche pop song, going to kick in?

waiting,
Courtney

Stefinitely Maybe
03-19-2007, 08:25 AM
Dear Stefinitely Maybe,

How do you feel about cardboard boxes? I hear they're quite reasonable.

That, or perhaps you can just sleep your way to the top of the music biz. I hear Liam is single again.

opportunities abound,
Courtney

Where did you hear that? I don't think it's true; he is still happy with that Appleton chick.

Also, I just noticed your avatar. We are opening for PB&J on April 15th here in London! I'm looking forward to it!

J~$$$
03-19-2007, 08:28 AM
WHAT!? get the fuck out stef, you are on the up and up son congrats......I just like PB&J better than Oasis.

Stefinitely Maybe
03-19-2007, 08:32 AM
Thanks man. I don't really know anything about PB&J but it's a good venue and it should be a fun show.

samiksha
03-19-2007, 08:49 AM
Dear Barbaratheninja,

I know that you want multiple hookups over the coachella holiday, but please stop using this forum as a dating service. I'm calling you out. I know you make a lot of cutesy jokes, but I can tell that you want it bad. Also, dont ever use this :3 face again. It doesn't convey "cute feelings", it looks like some one with balls on their face.

but we're still cool
Sami



Dear Roommate,

Start faking orgasms in a more realistic manner immediately. Or at least more quietly. I'm tired of dealing with this shit.

OHHHHH OOHhhh ah ah ah ahhhh keep going *squeal*
Frances

Courtney
03-19-2007, 08:49 AM
Dear Stefinitely Maybe,

I admit that I'm not very up on the tabloid gossip. I may be confusing Liam with another soon-to-be-divorced British celebrity. I wish him all the best, and would not condone any sort of house-wrecking activities, despite however difficult the state of Moscow lodgings.

Also, that's excellent that you're opening for PB&J. I like them a lot.

impressed,
Courtney

starbright777
03-19-2007, 11:19 AM
Dear Thomas,

Roses are red, violets are blue, 1 2 3, I love you

<3
SB

amyzzz
03-19-2007, 11:21 AM
1 star thread.

caco0283
03-19-2007, 11:35 AM
Dear Stupid Blonde that got my promotion because of the crevis in between your thighs,

I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!! I hate you with every fucking bone in my body...aaahhhh i hate you.
Reason number 1: You do not tell people what the producers make on the movies
Reason number 2: You do not tell our boss I said it's ok
Reason number 3: You do not try to fuck the director of our next movie so you can get a role on it.
Reason number 4: The director lives in England you dumb bitch
Reason number 5: You do not sit on the phone and flirt with the director while nobody else is here but me.
Reason number 6: You never and I mean never make the comment "im a little gray mouse stuck working inside of a deva's body" in front of me again
Reason number 7: Stop looking in the fucking mirror behind my desk to make sure your hair looks good. It fucking creeps me out when I see your alien face!!!

that's enough hate for now i hope you fucking die as i hit "post quick reply"

always ready to pull that trigger if you hate your life,
El Professional

fober
03-19-2007, 11:39 AM
Dear Stupid Blonde that I am currently transmitting STDs to,


Congratulations on the promotion!


SINcerely,

HurryUp McI'veOnlyGot5Minutes

bballarl
03-19-2007, 11:40 AM
Just fuck her Ronnie. Jesus. Stop beating around the bush.

caco0283
03-19-2007, 11:42 AM
Just fuck her Ronnie. Jesus. Stop beating around the bush.


i do not hate fuck anymore....its not good for my skin

TomAz
03-19-2007, 11:52 AM
Dear ronnie,

Here's the part I don't get. You're working on movies. and you're surprised a talentless, backstabbing blonde with big tits got a promotion over you??

confused,
Tom

TomAz
03-19-2007, 11:54 AM
PS. fake big tits at that even. I mean, isn't that how the system works?

caco0283
03-19-2007, 11:59 AM
not on indi films....im in fucking Miami not Hollywood.....ahhh i want to stab her in the eye everytime she mentions her single is on the charts.
I'm not really that surprised but she is just so fucking annoying that i cant deal with it.

I almost went off on the bitch today...she had the balls to tell me I find the wrong women on purpose. I almost told her well its not my fault I don't fuck for a living you Estonian bitch

TomAz
03-19-2007, 12:05 PM
Dear ronnie,

that was her way of saying you should be with her instead. hey she got the promotion and has a hit single.. maybe you should give it a try. "It's a thin line between love and hate.."

Just a suggestion,
Tom

caco0283
03-19-2007, 12:08 PM
Dear Tom,

Here's another reason why i hate her

OJHSEmaz3Xw


pissed,
Ronnie

jackstraw94086
03-19-2007, 12:14 PM
Dear FOI,

Get your shit together.

Empty and lonely,
Your wallet.

codytwo
03-19-2007, 12:42 PM
Caco,

You said she was ugly. Shes not. Just fuck her already.

Cody

caco0283
03-19-2007, 12:47 PM
Cody,

How could I do that to myself....did you hear how dumb she is "you always sneeze and you say its cos of kitty, I don't think so I think you are allergic to me" OMG i just want to kill myself. Also makeup works magic....I have to somehow find an excuse to take a a picture of her and post it on here...maybe I'll say it for the website or publicity packet.

Ronnie

kreutz2112
03-19-2007, 12:49 PM
Dear Caco,

That was painful to watch.

Wristslittingly,
Adam

Tylerdurden31
03-19-2007, 01:16 PM
Dear Nando,

So are we fighting tomorrow night at Webster Hall or are you gonna be a pussy again like @ the mogwai show?

Frighteningly,
Mike

Courtney
03-19-2007, 01:19 PM
Dear random Estonian chick that works with caco,

You're cute, but please stop tormenting your eyebrows. They scare me. Also, perhaps exploring a career other than acting would be wise.

earnestly,
Courtney

mob roulette
03-19-2007, 01:22 PM
Dear random Estonian chick that works with caco,

You're cute, but please stop tormenting your eyebrows. They scare me. Also, perhaps exploring a career other than acting would be wise.

earnestly,
Courtney

you're drew barrymore, aren't you? go ahead and admit it. big fan ova here.

jackstraw94086
03-19-2007, 01:28 PM
Dear random Estonian chick that works with caco,

You're cute, but please stop tormenting your eyebrows. They scare me. Also, perhaps exploring a career other than acting would be wise.

earnestly,
Courtney


P.S. please stop flashing your cooch in caco's face all the time when you know you're not going to give it up. You're getting his nuts all twisted up.

Courtney
03-19-2007, 01:32 PM
Dear mob,

Yes.

love,
Drew

mob roulette
03-19-2007, 01:41 PM
knew it. so hot. who you dating now?

that was your 911th post, btw. good timing.

thinnerair
03-19-2007, 01:50 PM
Dear Mike,
It's on.
Full of lemon juice,
nando

Courtney
03-19-2007, 01:51 PM
Dear mob,

I've been seeing Spike Jonze. I dig the nerdy director thing. But hey, anyone looks good after having to endure a seemingly-endless publicity tour with that dickwad Hugh Grant.

xoxo,
D

caco0283
03-19-2007, 01:55 PM
Dear random Estonian chick that works with caco,

You're cute, but please stop tormenting your eyebrows. They scare me. Also, perhaps exploring a career other than acting would be wise.

earnestly,
Courtney


she is not cute...she is scary...im taking a picture this week


P.S. please stop flashing your cooch in caco's face all the time when you know you're not going to give it up. You're getting his nuts all twisted up.


imma going to cut you for that one. I'm am not trying to fuck her....she is tasty...im having fun with my new rich girl that wont admit she has a boyfriend

SojuGorae
03-19-2007, 01:59 PM
Dear Tom,

Here's another reason why i hate her

OJHSEmaz3Xw


pissed,
Ronnie

http://img63.imageshack.us/img63/3839/magicwj3.jpg

caco0283
03-19-2007, 02:02 PM
men have such low standards now

fober
03-19-2007, 02:12 PM
Dear this post:


Dear Stupid Blonde that I am currently transmitting STDs to,


Congratulations on the promotion!


SINcerely,

HurryUp McI'veOnlyGot5Minutes

Upon further review, never mind.


I can't believe I suggested I was sleeping with THAT,

fobalicious

caco0283
03-19-2007, 03:33 PM
Dear Fober,

Don't cramp my style jigga.

respectably yours,
cacolicous

full on idle
03-19-2007, 05:51 PM
Dear Jackstraw94086,

Wolves.

-foi

SojuGorae
03-19-2007, 06:26 PM
Dear Tom,

Here's another reason why i hate her

OJHSEmaz3Xw


pissed,
Ronnie

All right, I just finished watching that again, this time with sound(I couldn't before because I was at work).

Wow, she's annoying as fuck. She should have been born a mute.

vogina
03-19-2007, 06:43 PM
Dear Mr. Alcohol,
I hate it when I can't tell when I need to take a piss and you come out of no where and fill me with grief of trying to finding a reasonable spot as to not get arrested while pissing.

Dear Miss. Marry Jane,
Why do you make me cry sometimes? Why can't you stay tasting so good while your sitting in the glass to be inhaled (must you go stale so quickly!)

Dear Morning Wood,
Have you not realized I am still asleep.. My brain can't warn me about walls or when I flip on my stomach forgetting about you...ruining my wake up...

Dear Woman,
Stop Confusing Us.

Dear Mr. Guy protecting his lady at a show,
Expect upon entering, a show mind you, its going to get rough...Don't be an ass while trying to be the man and protect the girl, or your going to see the floor and a bunch of feet in your face trying to figure out what the fuck just happened..
Dear Professor,
Don't ever treat me like a low-life. Stop treating others like piece's of shit. I already called you out in front of our class.. Don't make me get you fired.

Dear HIV/STD's,
Just stay AWAY

Dr. Coachella PEOPLE,
SEE YOU THERE BROTHERS AND SISTERS!

miscorrections
03-19-2007, 11:12 PM
Dear Mysterious Trash-Pooper,
The trash is not an acceptable resting place for besmeared toilet paper. There is a perfectly serviceable toilet immediately to the left of the trash that would be happy to dispose of it. Cease the trash-shitting, plz.
Hygienically yours,
Corinna

jackstraw94086
03-19-2007, 11:27 PM
Dear Morning Wood,[/B]
Have you not realized I am still asleep.. My brain can't warn me about walls or when I flip on my stomach forgetting about you...ruining my wake up...


Dear Vogina,

I'm the emergency stop-gap when your nervous system is too spent to wake you up to relieve pressure in your bladder. I give you precious extra minutes of sleep and you repay me with disrespect. Fuck you. From now on I'm letting you piss all over your mattress.

warm wishes,
your morning wood.

miscorrections
03-20-2007, 06:28 AM
Dearest Computer,
Why do you always crash when I'm trying to sneak in a last-minute bid on ebay? I think you're trying to sabotage our relationship. Baby, don't do this.

We need to talk,
Corinna

-------------------------

Dear SDSU Student,
No, you cannot touch my bewbs. But you can fuck right off.

Wrathfully (up) yours,
Corinna

--------------------------

Dear Finals Week,
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Incoherently,
Corinna

--------------------------

Dear Kids Outside My Window at Night,
I already think you're cretins. You don't need to confirm my views by shrieking/bellowing at 2 am.

Get your vocal cords removed,
Corinna

Tylerdurden31
03-20-2007, 07:21 AM
Dear James Murphy,

All My Friends is an amazing song. Thanks for writing it.

your friend,
Mike

---------------------------------------------------------------

Dear David Jaffe,

Dude, God of War 2 is awesome...but I think you need to get laid.

Concerned,
Mike

-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mike,

Stop going to sleep so late ya douche.

tired,
Mike

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mike,

You'll sleep when you're dead.

happy, yet tired,

Mike

James_Murphy
03-20-2007, 09:08 AM
No problem. dude.

starbright777
03-20-2007, 09:14 AM
Dear Lord Jesus,
You have turned my life around completely from total despair, suicidal depression and wanting to kill myself, to feeling joy and having great hope in my heart again. I am writing this small note to thank You, but much more than thank You, to PRAISE You!

Praise You for turning my life around - like a 'U - Turn'. Thank You Lord for always being with me and answering my prayers. Thank You Lord for giving me my new found strength and sense of loving discipline. Thank You for guiding and protecting me when I go out on my daily routine. Thank You Lord Jesus for keeping me off the alcohol. Thank You for keeping me away from men who's heart isn't filled with love for You. I PRAISE You Lord for giving me then strength to say no. I Love You my Lord and thank You.

Yours forever,
Starbright 777

J~$$$
03-20-2007, 09:16 AM
Dear Starbright777,

Can we make out during Air?.....handjob?

sinfully yours
Justin

Courtney
03-20-2007, 10:53 AM
Dear body,

You're only supposed to be sick when I want to stay home from work, not when I actually come in to work and want to get stuff done. Stop messing around.

frustrated,
mind

Hannahrain
03-20-2007, 11:01 AM
Dear Roommate,

We have now lived together for 4 months. It is no longer appropriate to call me "Excuse me".

Informally,
Hey You
--------------------
Dear Bill Nye,

Can you please explain to me how it is scientifically possible for it to be colder in my [AC free] apartment than it is outside? I know you had nothing to do with it, but I'm sure you can come up with some good analogy using household objects.

Nostalgic,
Hannah
------------------------
Dear Blankets,

Be warmer. And multiply.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,
Hannah

Courtney
03-20-2007, 11:07 AM
Dear London girls,

How do you seemingly walk for miles on cobblestones in high heels while drunk? Please share your secrets. In exchange, I'll even tell you how to deal with New York City subway grates in stilettos.

envious,
an American girl's still-sore right ankle

Hannahrain
03-20-2007, 11:17 AM
Dear Macguyver,

I broke my printer and need someone to fix it. I have to spare: a few safetypins, a pair of sunglasses, some hairties, a shot glass, and some silk tulips. Will you give it a go?

Love,
Hannah

kreutz2112
03-20-2007, 11:29 AM
Dear Hannah,

It is colder in your house than it is outside because the cold air from previous days gets trapped in your house. Whereas the air outside is almost immediately warmed by the sun. If you take a large glass cup with a lid on it and put it in the freezer overnight then take it out and let it sit for about 30 - 60 min then take the lid off and immediately stick your hand inside the cup it should feel cool inside.

Scientifically Yours,
Bill

samiksha
03-20-2007, 11:31 AM
Dear Hannah,

New Ink Cartrige.

Duh,
Sami

kimery08
03-20-2007, 03:14 PM
dearest fellow secretary,

youre full of shit. i know you have a cough. everyone knows you have a fucken cough. just dont act like a tough bitch, gab on the phone with your friends all day with a mouth full of canned ravioli followed by a king size snickers bar and turn around and whimper like an injured puppy when the boss is around.

you annoy the shit out of me,
kim

Courtney
03-20-2007, 04:41 PM
Sehr geehrter Deutsch,

Ich verstehe Sie nicht.

Frustriert,
Courtney

John Peel is My Co-pilot
03-20-2007, 06:55 PM
Sehr geehrter Deutsch,

Ich verstehe Sie nicht.

Frustriert,
Courtney

Deer Courtney

Worry don't for my understanding is same for English.

Signed

German

psychic friend
03-21-2007, 09:08 PM
Dear portable mp3 player inventor,

I know I'm behind the times only just have purchased a small 2 gig mp3 player yesterday. But I just had to write to thank you. It is what has been missing from my life. I actually look forward to working out now. I can listen to Daft Punk live at Coachella really loud while trying to keep up with the beat on my eliptical and it's great. It's amazing. You may have saved my life.

Eternally Grateful,
PF

full on idle
03-21-2007, 09:40 PM
mmmmm ellipticalllll

ewiggy
03-21-2007, 09:51 PM
Courtney,

Pas auf, bitch.

tschüssie,
Sehr geehrter Deutsch

full on idle
03-21-2007, 09:54 PM
Auf!

Der,
Mar

La Ferrassie
03-22-2007, 02:46 PM
Dear Rain,

I like you. I rarely ever see you and it was really pleasant seeing you today. Although I got wet coming home from school, you got me out of running in PE today, so thanks.

You Are Wet,
Patrick

amyzzz
03-22-2007, 03:42 PM
you got me out of running in PE today
Are you in high school?

samiksha
03-22-2007, 03:44 PM
AWWWWWW

Hannahrain
03-22-2007, 03:46 PM
Dear San Francisco,

It's looking like I'm going to head out a little early. I'll miss you.

I'm keeping my heart but you can have a kidney,
Hannah

Courtney
03-22-2007, 03:56 PM
Dear Beck,

The fact that you're a Scientologist confuses me. I mean, I'm all for freedom of religion and not meddling in other people's personal lives, but being a Scientologist is just so lame. It makes me lose all my otherwise lassiez-faire convictions and want become all self-righteous on your ass.

still like your music,
Courtney

mob roulette
03-22-2007, 04:12 PM
Dear Beck,

The fact that you're a Scientologist confuses me. I mean, I'm all for freedom of religion and not meddling in other people's personal lives, but being a Scientologist is just so lame. It makes me lose all my otherwise lassiez-faire convictions and want become all self-righteous on your ass.

still like your music,
Courtney

i'm not sure if he's actually a "practicing" scientologist per se. i think he was just raised in it (among other things). i too have found this perplexing though. at first i thought it was a joke.


Dear San Francisco,

It's looking like I'm going to head out a little early. I'll miss you.

I'm keeping my heart but you can have a kidney,
Hannah

cough. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyfy66oXw8E)

happy travels.

amyzzz
03-22-2007, 04:35 PM
i'm not sure if he's actually a "practicing" scientologist per se. i think he was just raised in it (among other things). i too have found this perplexing though. at first i thought it was a joke.
happy travels.
I read in Rollingstone that if your family are all Scientologists and you leave Scientology, your family will disown you and have nothing to do with you (as dictated by the Scientology religion). Maybe he just wants to keep seeing his family? Pure speculation here though.

thefunkylama
03-22-2007, 04:44 PM
Dear San Diego Thunderstorm,

Where have you been all my life? Or, more realistically, the last year-ish. I will bask in your glory as long as you provide it.

Busting out candles just in case,
5-year-old Alma

Alchemy
03-22-2007, 04:50 PM
Dear Isaac Brock,

It's going to be okay.

Shankfully yours,
Tim

--------------------
Dear Jerry Falwell,

You are the anti-christ, and you can join the Discovery Institute in Hell.

Evolutionarily,
Tim

--------------------
Dear Physics Test Tomorrow,

Don't be so hard on me.

In prayers,
Tim

La Ferrassie
03-22-2007, 06:08 PM
Are you in high school?

Dear Amyzzz,

Yeah, sorry if I cramp your style.

Patrick

Hannahrain
03-22-2007, 06:20 PM
Dear Mysterious Trash-Pooper


I'm pretty sure this was the working title for "Dear Catastrophe Waitress".

miscorrections
03-22-2007, 06:25 PM
Dear San Diego Thunderstorm,

Where have you been all my life? Or, more realistically, the last year-ish. I will bask in your glory as long as you provide it.

Busting out candles just in case,
5-year-old Alma

Dear Lama,
The rain turned my shoes into kiddie-pools on my way home from a 45 page final. Kindly do not encourage it to continue.

Wetly disgruntled,
Corinna

ewiggy
03-22-2007, 08:32 PM
dear man at my work who suggested I call him "Cowboy",

you have a badge on, so I guess you work here. however, approaching me when I'm outside, by myself at 12:20am to tell me "I've seen you around, and I just wanted to tell you that you are very beautiful", makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure you're crossing a line into sexual harassment when you won't leave me alone and continue to stare at me even when I've brushed you off and gone back to reading my paper.

not walking to my car by myself and also not calling you "Cowboy",
kristen

amyzzz
03-24-2007, 08:35 AM
dear man at my work who suggested I call him "Cowboy",

you have a badge on, so I guess you work here. however, approaching me when I'm outside, by myself at 12:20am to tell me "I've seen you around, and I just wanted to tell you that you are very beautiful", makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure you're crossing a line into sexual harassment when you won't leave me alone and continue to stare at me even when I've brushed you off and gone back to reading my paper.

not walking to my car by myself and also not calling you "Cowboy",
kristen
ewww, creepy.

TomAz
03-24-2007, 08:50 AM
dear my iPod,

I will be taking you to the iPod hospital to see the iPod doctor today. I do hope you come out of your coma. That sad face is so upsetting, and the x's for eyes make me fear the worst.

Hoping all you need is a bit of minor surgery,
Tom

wmgaretjax
03-24-2007, 09:13 AM
dear tom,

my ipod did the same thing. when I tried to turn it on I heard that awful hard drive clicking sound. i hit it on my desk really hard. now it works.

hope that helps,
jared

ewiggy
03-24-2007, 09:44 AM
dear "cowboy", or whatever,

i was telling my boss about you, when from across the room i hear a female co-worker yell "THAT GUY DID THE SAME THING TO ME!". we've reported you to security. stop it.

i am woman hear me roar,
kristen

amyzzz
03-24-2007, 09:45 AM
Dear people who post on Saturday,
Are you stuck at work too, or you just have nothing better to do?

Signed,
Amy, at work >:p

ewiggy
03-24-2007, 11:09 AM
dear amy, at work,

normally stuck at work, but i called in sick today. so yeah. force of habit.

work it,
kristen

roberto73
03-24-2007, 11:20 AM
Dear Amy, at work,

I'm not at work, but I have work to do. Posting allows me to put off writing a paper just a little bit longer.

It's all about procrastination,
Rob

-----------------------------------

Dear tonsils,

What did I ever do to you? Why have you decided to subject me to such pain and irritation? If there has been some perceived slight on my part, please let me know immediately so I can make amends. Thank you.

Like swallowing razor blades,
Rob

wmgaretjax
03-24-2007, 11:23 AM
dear amy,
i am stuck at work.
cheers,
jared

amyzzz
03-24-2007, 11:26 AM
Dear Amy, at work,

I'm not at work, but I have work to do. Posting allows me to put off writing a paper just a little bit longer.

It's all about procrastination,
Rob

Ah, yes. I guess you could call posting while at work procrastinating too! I'm glad I don't have to worry about papers anymore.

That's one thing about my work--sometimes it can be a little boring, but at least I'm not stressed about deadlines because we don't have them.

amyzzz
03-24-2007, 12:15 PM
Dear Bands With Male Tenor Singers,
If you're going to write an extremely catchy song, please make a chorus in a key where us chicks can sing along to it too. I'm really struggling with "Crooked Teeth" by DCFC. Sure, I can sing it an octave higher and sound like Mariah Carey, but come on--that's just annoying.

k thx. :pulse :pulse
Amy

Encaitare
03-24-2007, 12:45 PM
Dear Washer and/or Dryer,

I don't know which one of you is the culprit; maybe you tag teamed me. Either way, don't think I'm not on to it. Just because I don't do laundry that often, and the only clothes I own are of the dark load variety, didn't mean you could get away with it forever. Eventually, after nearly two months of saving up, I gathered a full light load, and guess what? I can clearly see those random rust stains you deposited, and I am not amused. And don't think that just because I don't own spot remover, and also won't do another light load for another undetermined, but undoubtedly long time, doesn't mean I won't remain angry and suspicious of your competency. This goes for the both of you. Shape up or ship out. Don't think I won't bring back the grunge look. I did it in Jr High, don't think I won't do it again.

Vigilantly,
Jamie,
and her
Stained Shirts

EDIT:

Dear Amy at work,
At work as well: job #2 that started at 12:30, already worked 4 hours at job #1 this morning. Luckily this one has a computer, and typing on the message board looks just like cleaning up the Patron Info Data Base from across the office :-).
Hope your having as much sleep deprived fun as I am!

Regards,
Jamie

miscorrections
03-24-2007, 12:59 PM
Dear Dog,
Why did you get all scared and bark at me both last night and this morning? Am I that forgettable, or are you really that dumb?

Confusedly yours,
Corinna

ewiggy
03-24-2007, 01:02 PM
jamie,

your work's database is purple and black? where the hell do you work?

intruiged,
kristen

Encaitare
03-24-2007, 02:24 PM
Kristen,

I work at PCPA Theaterfest in the ticket sales Box Office. It's actually grey and black, but no one is really paying much attention since it's the weekend.

roberto73
03-24-2007, 02:57 PM
Ah, yes. I guess you could call posting while at work procrastinating too! I'm glad I don't have to worry about papers anymore.

That's one thing about my work--sometimes it can be a little boring, but at least I'm not stressed about deadlines because we don't have them.

Dear Amy,

Deadlines are indeed annoying, but given my nature, absolutely necessary. Otherwise I'd never get anything done, choosing instead to sit around listening to music and watching movies all day long.

The rest of my paper can wait until tomorrow,
Rob

CheersDarlin
03-24-2007, 03:24 PM
Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

You are not worth thinking about so can you please get out of my head.

Not yours anymore,
Marie

dynamanda
03-24-2007, 03:27 PM
Dear hair,

You were so cooperative and stylish today. Thanks for that.

Keep up the good work,
Dyna

___________________

Dear Snickers Bar,

You were amazing yesterday. I hadn't had you in months. But alas, I can't see you anymore, you evil dirty milk containing chocolate bar of yummy deliciousness.

It's a love/hate thing,
Dyna

__________________

Dear Conscience,

Lay off. I know I went vegan months ago. Goddammit, I just wanted some chocolate. Geeze.

Give a girl a break,
Dyna

___________________

Dear Bacteria,

Get the hell out of my urethra! Do you know how annoying it is to feel like I have to pee a gallon, but only a dribble or two comes out? I am in a monogamous std-free relationship. I wipe front to back and use hypo-allergenic soap on my girl parts. How the hell did you get in there?!

Get ready to drown in cranberry juice,
Dyna

__________

Dear green nail polish,

I feel funkier with you on my fingers, yet you are a tasteful enough shade of green that I can wear you to work and not get funny looks. Plus also, you were only $1.99.

You fucking rock,
Dyna

Alchemy
03-24-2007, 03:40 PM
Dear Amy,

Just got out of work.

Keep on keeping on,
Tim

TomAz
03-24-2007, 07:14 PM
dear tom,

my ipod did the same thing. when I tried to turn it on I heard that awful hard drive clicking sound. i hit it on my desk really hard. now it works.

hope that helps,
jared

Dear Jared,

I am now the proud owner of a brand new 80 GB video iPod.

Thanks for the advice anyway,
Tom

full.on.idle
03-24-2007, 07:25 PM
Dear Tom,

droooooool.

-foi

miscorrections
03-24-2007, 11:07 PM
Kristen,

I work at PCPA Theaterfest in the ticket sales Box Office. It's actually grey and black, but no one is really paying much attention since it's the weekend.

holy shit we are practically neighbors (arroyo grande here, at least when i'm not in school).

Hannahrain
03-24-2007, 11:13 PM
Dear Sleep,

Where are you? I miss you, baby. I love you so much. I want you back. We can work it out. I didn't mean what I said about awake, and how much prettier she is than you. Because she isn't, I swear. She and I are OVER. It's you or nothing. I mean, come on. It's three in the morning. Neither of us should be alone right now.

Needy and lethargic,
Hannah

comiddle
03-25-2007, 12:50 AM
Dear 'Television Preview',

That wasn't a 'preview' at all. In fact, those shows were quite obviously filmed in the early to mid nineties! I'm convinced I was there more for the commercials than anything else (mostly because the survey provided had more to do with the ads than the shows). As such, the survey was filled with doodles of cocks & balls and various inappropriate comments. There's gum stuck between pages 4 & 5. Yes, that was me. Douchebags.

Duped,
-- comiddle.

bballarl
03-25-2007, 01:11 AM
Dear Work Ethic,

I am going to sleep now, but please come back tomorrow and remain with me for the next few weeks. I know you have been away awhile. It's totally fine. I just need you to finish these last papers. I don't need you for finals. Please return promptly.

Your friend,
Andrew

dynamanda
03-25-2007, 06:15 PM
Dear PMS,

Quit making me act like a fucking bitch to the people I love. If you don't lay off, everyone is going to hate me. Now that we got that worked out, let's go eat an entire package of Oreos.

Bloated & grumpy,
Dyna

UnicornsForBreakfast
03-25-2007, 11:02 PM
Dear ferret,

I'm sorry I haven't had the time to let you prance around my room lately. If you weren't such a crazy asshole, I would do it more often. However, every time I let you out, you bounce on my bed, bound backwards with your crazy ass ferret-grin on, slam into the wall, and fall into the crack behind the bed. It would be entirely irresponsible on my part to leave you to your own devices unsupervised. Tone down the jackass bullshit, asshole.

I still love you,
Julie

ewiggy
03-26-2007, 12:21 AM
dear julie's ferret,

that's awesome. keep up the good work.

iwannapetyou,
kristen

Courtney
03-27-2007, 03:31 PM
Dear dynamanda,

Your avatar makes me want to bake something with sprinkles. Surfas (https://www.surfasonline.com/productlines/185.cfm) here I come!

giddily,
Courtney

miscorrections
03-28-2007, 10:48 AM
Dear Waffles,

You were motherfucking good this morning. Rock on.

Fatly Yours,
Corinna

caco0283
03-28-2007, 10:50 AM
dear hannah,

i think you are dumb. I don't like it when dumb people ask me questions. Your questions you could ask a 5th grader and they would know. Go ahead and complain. If you want I'll even draft the letter for you. Make sure to have your return address on the letter so I can blow you head off and when I go to your funeral I'll put bras all over your body

very comfortable,
bra lady

Hannahrain
03-28-2007, 10:52 AM
Dear Bra Lady,

Meet me by the leggings in half an hour. And bring a second.

Shit's going DOWN,
Hannah

caco0283
03-28-2007, 10:56 AM
dear hannah,

what are you going to do hit me with some old persons dentures??? Also I don't need to know that they can't hold their shit in. I find it funny that you need a bra

ready to braaawl,

Bra Lady

Hannahrain
03-28-2007, 10:59 AM
ready to braaawl

Egh. I'm done. You should always end a fight before someone breaks out the puns.

caco0283
03-28-2007, 11:06 AM
Dear Hannah,

I WIN YOU LOSE

thank you,
Bra lady

Hannahrain
03-28-2007, 11:08 AM
Dear Bra Lady,

Congratulations on your hollow victory.

Maybe someday they'll move you up to boxers,
Hannah

PsyGuyRy
03-28-2007, 12:10 PM
Dear Ms. Winehouse,
I like your album and think you've got a pretty good voice. I might even go so far as to say that you are quite talented. However, as catchy and funny as "Rehab" might be, I believe that you will be almost completely forgotten (in the U.S.) within two years, unless you change your ways. Mark my words, you WILL go into rehab eventually, and you'll find out that it really isn't that bad. Please stop being a bitch and just get it over with. That said, please put on an incredibly debauched and drunken show at Coachella. Anything involving mumbling/forgotten lyrics, verbal/physical spats with the crowd, stumbling, staggering, or vomiting would be wonderful. After any or all of the above, please proceed to sing "Rehab" PERFECTLY, note-for-note, and I will love you forever.

Sincerely,
psyguyry

P.S. ~ Much like Sarah Jessica Parker, you look like a foot. Please get a new makeup artist. If that is not possible, find a good plastic surgeon specializing in complete facial reconstruction. Thank you.

ThomThom
03-28-2007, 12:57 PM
Dear Lady who's office is behind my "area" at work,

Stop gazing at my computer screen everytime you get out of your office, for that matter, stop gazing at my computer screen even when your in your fucking office. You are not my boss, you don't work in my department! Yes I am on the Coachella message board, yes that is my nervous and forceful set of hands pounding on the keyboard when I am buying tickets on ticketmaster, no I am not doing my job, and no I don't fucking care. STOP LOOKING AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN!!!

Regards,

Thom

kimery08
03-28-2007, 12:59 PM
thom thom,

your name still makes me think of the thong song.

booty bouncing my way out the door,
kim

UnicornsForBreakfast
03-28-2007, 10:53 PM
Dear Boss,

Just give me the 2 days off for Coachella already. It's not a big deal, you can live 1 sales rep short for 2 damn days. It's bad enough I "met you half way" and agreed to work Thursday night. That means I'll be driving 5 hours at 10:30pm. I'll probably die. I made these plans long before I got this job, and I KNOW you went to Woodstock. Don't act like you don't know what's up. I know you know what's up. Come on. Do it.

pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease,
Julie

samiksha
03-28-2007, 11:49 PM
Dear Elliot Smith,

I'm sorry I forgot about you for 7 months. I love you.

Glad to have you back,
Sami

full on idle
03-28-2007, 11:53 PM
Dear Sami,

I appreciate your rediscovery. I think it's like that.

Love,
foi

phoenixsky
03-29-2007, 01:11 AM
Dear KJ (If that is your real name),

I know I'm all up in your house and you have every right to go about your normal cat business but seriously. When I come over, it's not to visit you. It's to visit Josh. With that said, let me make it clear that I don't wish to communicate with you nor do I feel it's necessary to throw your voice in an attempt to frighten me. In doing so, you sound less like a harmless feline and more like a tortured infant. It's fucking creepy. Especially at 3 a.m. as you wail outside his door. While I admire your acting skills, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't mock the cries of slaughtered infants.

Haunted,
Heather

----

Dear PTO,

Why do I not have enough of you? You're really making this Coachella trip difficult. I know you see my calendar. You know I need the time off. Why can't you at least just double? I've been picking up shifts left and right and I'm quite convinced your accumulation rate is bullshit. I wish I knew how to hack into the system to manipulate you. You know what? Fuck off. I will abandon you altogether if I must. I really don't need you or your punk ass friend, Employment.

You never were enough for me.

Cooler than that annoying chick who sits next to me and has more of you,
Heather

PsyGuyRy
03-29-2007, 06:04 AM
Dear PTO,

Why do I not have enough of you?

No kidding... It takes me FIVE YEARS to pick up an additional 5 days... Only two more years to go. And we can't carry days over between years. Bullshit, I tell you, BULLSHIT!!!

Tylerdurden31
03-29-2007, 06:34 AM
Dear Co-worker,

I can't believe you bought a moog synth back in the day for $75 and sold it for only $200 5 years ago. You got robbed dude...you got robbed.

Sadly,
Mike

---------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Wrist Rest,

Stop irritating my wrist...you're supposed to protect it not make it all red and itchy. I hate you.

irritatedly yours,
Mike