Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals

[thinnerair]

Dear Jesus Lizard,
Sorry it took me this long. I really had no idea.

Thanks,
Fernando

[Tylerdurden31]

Dear Jesus Lizard,
Sorry it took me this long. I really had no idea.

Thanks,
Fernando

Dear Nando,

Welcome to David Yow's hairy drunkenness. Which album?

Surprised,
Mike

[thelastgreatman]

Dear Nando,

So your real name is Fernando? That never occurred to me. Weird. Did Abba write that song about you?

Knowing me, knowing you,
TLGM

[boarderwoozel3]

Dear apartment building manager,

I've been after you for months to fix my leaky sink and broken toilet handle, its getting old. You're a cheap bastard and you know it. Soon I'll be formally informing you that my stay in your overpriced, under maintained building is coming to an end.

Go run across I-5,
Jeff

[thinnerair]

Dear Nando,

So your real name is Fernando? That never occurred to me. Weird. Did Abba write that song about you?

Knowing me, knowing you,
TLGM

Dear Randy,

Were you named after Randy. the red-headed string puppet who served as the playhouse bully, usually making life miserable for Pee-wee and the playhouse characters?

Oh you know...
Fernando "Not Abba" Martinez


Dear Mike,

I was cancelling my eMusic account so I downloaded 'GOAT' and then some random songs, along with songs by ARCWELDER, who I also had never heard . I like. See my last.fm page for more details.

Woah,
" "

[Yablonowitz]

Why would you cancel e-music? Silly move, my friend.

[Hannahrain]

Dear Muffin Mill,

Upon my morning perusal of your muffin basket at my local market, I found myself dismayed. I spent near a minute digging earnestly for lemon poppyseed, but found myself repeatedly disappointed. What in blazes is "French lemon cream"? I don't want an impostor. I want a good, American muffin built on truth and moral and/or nutritional fiber. A traditional muffin for a traditional girl.

Slightly inconvenienced,

Hannah Rain

[thelastgreatman]

Dear Hannah Rain,

We'll give you back American muffins when you elect a President that can spell "muffin," thank you very much.

With Gallic Disdain,
Muffin Mill

[Cpt. Funkaho]

Dear Members of the Coachella Board,

I have grown tired of my current signature. Will someone please say something worth sigging? I have great faith in your collective ability to come through on this.

Hopefully,
Captain Funkaho

[thelastgreatman]

Dear Funkaho,

Faith and Alaska seem like they should be mutually exclusive.

Spiritually,
Randy

[Cpt. Funkaho]

Dear Randy,

You wouldn't say that if you could see how many churches (and, specifically, how many insane ones) there are up here. The Bible Baptist Church sign greeted me as I drove past on Christmas eve with this cheery thought: "SANTA=SATAN."

That said, your response will do for a sig until a better one comes along, and for that I thank you.

Sincerely,
Captain Funkaho

[Hannahrain]

Dear Female Comedians,

Please stop talking about your weight and make some REAL jokes already. You're discrediting the rest of the gender.

Not laughing,
Hannah

[full on idle]

Dear Hannah,

Don't get me started, don't EVEN get me started.

Yours,
http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/images/video_thumbs/2596.jpg

[TeamCoachellaHellYeah]

Dear Hotel Guest


Please listen when the front desk agent is talking to you about your room and credit card. They are giving you valuable information that you will most likely ignore and come back later to bitch about it claiming "no one told you". Please be advised that a Debit card is NOT a credit card and do not use it as such. The money WILL be taken out of your account when we swipe the card, so don't come crying to me later that you have no money because "we took it". Also, you didn't get a fucking room so you can spend your entire stay looking out the goddamn window, so please don't ask about getting a "good view" because your here to sleep in the damn room and not to admire the city from the room. Finally, DO NOT I repeat DO NOT ask me for a free upgrade just because you heard you can get one just by asking. It makes you look like a cheap ass and make me hate you even more.

Yours Truly,
AFOM of this hotel
Marco

Dear Boards of Canada

Would it really hurt to perform a show or 2 within the next 5 years? I mean really?

Thank You
Marco

[TomAz]

Dear Marco,

We were going to play Coachella this year, but you were so condescending to us when we were checking into our hotel, we decided to go back to being hermits.

Your friends,
Boards of Canada

[TeamCoachellaHellYeah]

Dear Boards of Canada

While you were checking into the hotel I got a hold of your credit card info and used it to buy the Daft Punk pyramids for half price. Also, I have your address now to send you very angry letters if you don't play..catch my drift?

Yours Truly,
Marrrrrrrco..

[full on idle]

Dear Tom,

That was really funny.

Thanks for typing that,
Valarie

[Cpt. Funkaho]

Dear Hannah,

When you say "female comedians", do you mean "Lisa Lampanelli"? I ask because I'm not entirely sure that scientists have yet determined her sex and species. The same is true of Margaret Cho and Wanda Sykes.

Just wondering,
Captain Funkaho

[Hannahrain]

Dear Dick Blick Art Materials,

There are some of us lazy typers out here who would really appreciate a domain name change. When it's midnight and I'm trying to place an order for alcohol markers and retractable x-actos, I'm not going to proofread every single word. I just want to get the fuck to bed, and my actions are going to represent that. So when I type in my favorite materials supplier URL, I'm looking for bristol pads, not pelvic thrust. For Christ's sake, all it takes is one off letter virtually anywhere in your web address. Fix it please.

Visually harassed,
Hannah

[TheWatcher]

:bump

Dear Los Angeles County Court System,

Thank you so much for forcing me to show up for jury duty, even though there is no reason for me to be there, as the defense/prosecuting attorneys will reject me from the jury. Thank you for making me sit, packed into a small room with about 100 other people, half of them sick and coughing. Gosh, I was just thinking it had been so long since I was sick. I could not have been exposed to more germs by sitting in the emergency waiting room at the local hospital. Now I am sick, and getting sicker. Is it the flu? Something more "exotic"? I feel like I ran 20 miles, but I have not been doing anything, my throat is sore, I am dizzy and have a headache. I think it's the flu. I had to miss a concert because of you, and might miss work next week.

I am thinking of "losing" my mailbox! Then, you can't send me jury duty notices.

Hah!

[Wheres the beef?]

Dear Coworker,

You know who you are. We were working in my office today finishing an important assignment. I was at the computer and you were reading off a spreadsheet. You'll understand that I did not turn around to face you when talking to you because I could barely contain my laughter as it was. I didn't know it was possible for people to snore while they are awake and consciously functioning. Have you called Ripley's? Get that checked out. Or, at least breathe through your nose.

Sincerely,
Coworker

P.S. Stop coming to me for every little thing. I get it. You can't follow directions for longer than 2 steps.

[ThomThom]

Dear City of Beverly Hills Parking Enforcement,

Why the fuck do your parking violations have to be $30 more than any other city's? I mean come the fuck on, $65 for a fucking parking violation? I was there for literally 2 hours and 4 minutes! Stop tacking these fucking things on to my registration! FUCK YOU BEVERLY HILLS!

Kind Regards,

TT

[bballarl]

Thom Yorke doesn't get parking tickets because he walks everywhere.

[ThomThom]

Fuck the environment

[rage patton]

Dear City of Beverly Hills Parking Enforcement,

Why the fuck do your parking violations have to be $30 more than any other city's? I mean come the fuck on, $65 for a fucking parking violation? I was there for literally 2 hours and 4 minutes! Stop tacking these fucking things on to my registration! FUCK YOU BEVERLY HILLS!

Kind Regards,

TT

I agree. Fuck parking tickets. I got a fucking ticket on Valentines Day. What sad soul was handing out fucking parking tickets on Valentines Day?

[ThomThom]

I agree. Fuck parking tickets. I got a fucking ticket on Valentines Day. What sad soul was handing out fucking parking tickets on Valentines Day?

A sad soul that makes $45,000+ annually to drive around and ruin people's days.

[Hannahrain]

Dear Amy's Kitchen,

We've always had a good relationship. A nice two-way street. I give you money, and you give me comfort food. Win-win. And it's worked marvelously thus far. But I have a favor to ask. A small one. It's the only thing I've ever asked you for.

I need you to change the Organic Soy Macaroni and Cheeze box. It looks too much like the regular Organic Macaroni and Cheese. It's too easy to grab the wrong one. And while the regular is absolutely delicious, the soy variety tastes like Elmer's Glue mixed with talcum powder. Probably.

Ewww,
Hannah

-------------------------

On a related note,

Dear Store,

Please do not put two almost identical boxes next to each other if I only want to buy one of them. My lunch break isn't very long; I don't have time to mess around.

Also your kumquats are sub-par,
Hannah

[fatbastard]

I hate how markets put 3 out of 6 varieties of something on sale and stick them in between the items that are not on sale. Bastards.

[Somewhat Damaged]

Dear Super K-Mart,

Please stop hiring people with sub-simian intelligence. It makes getting in and out of your store with my one fucking item, going through the express lane, take 15 minutes longer than it ought to.

Thanks,

Somewhat Damaged.

[Wheres the beef?]

Dear Ghostland Observatory,

You are the best thing since sliced bread.

Thanks,

KB

[kreutz2112]

Dear Wal-Mart,

You are worse than Al Qaida.

Die,
Adam

[BROKENDOLL]

Dear Springs Club Members, It is with deep regret that I must apologize for dis-associating myself from being a part of the staff that serves you at your private club today. As I walked away, my feelings were mixed...I love catering to your every elderly needs and pampering your wealthy asses when you enter the clubhouse. I feel your appreciation when you request my service.The fact that you also request my service for your private home parties and dinners shows me there's potential for growth with your club. Unfortunately, spending the rest of my career years working with the backstabbing hypocrites on your diningroom staff and the lazy motherfuckers that kiss their ass's while I'm doing their part of the job, just "Poof!"...came to a screeching halt today and it was all about, "C-ya, I'm outa here!" I realize there's a chance I screwed myself with this decision...No job, no pay, no insurance,no unemployment checks...Then again, if I'm 5 minutes late and someone else is 30 minutes late, but I'm the one getting written up because I'm not "one of the guys" with the manager, or I get repremanded for being at someone else's table taking care of their guests because they're, what? Getting cozy with the head chef during a smoke break and couldn't care less about anything but their paycheck and portion of the shared tips, I'm sorry..."C-ya, but I gotsta go!" If you want my professional service with a smile, invite me to your home because my smile disappeared from your clubhouse today~ The BrokEndoLL

[boarderwoozel3]

Dear Person who puked in my hallway last night,

Its bad enough that you puked right outside my apartment but you have neglected to clean it up, that’s gross. Learn to drink in moderation if you can’t hold your liquor. Fucker.
-Jeff

[wmgaretjax]

dear oscars,

you are boring.

jared

[Cpt. Funkaho]

Dear other people I work with,

Why is there a towel laid across the seat of the communal chair we all use ? The chair is padded already, so it can't be a comfort thing, and the chair isn't dirty, so it's not for sanitary reasons. Also, the towel changes frequently, sometimes more than once a day, but I never see anyone touch it. Whose towels are these, and why is it necessary to sit on them? I demand answers to all of these questions and may have more after I hear an explanation.

Puzzled,
Captain Funkaho

[Young blood]

Dear stoners,
iAd1QYM-MiY

lol <3

J

[boarderwoozel3]

That youtube IS the shit!!!

[Wheres the beef?]

That is pretty fucking funny.

[JustSteve]

Dear City of Beverly Hills Parking Enforcement,

Why the fuck do your parking violations have to be $30 more than any other city's? I mean come the fuck on, $65 for a fucking parking violation? I was there for literally 2 hours and 4 minutes! Stop tacking these fucking things on to my registration! FUCK YOU BEVERLY HILLS!

Kind Regards,

TT

that's why i fuckin' love my handicapped parking placard...park at meters for free and no time limits in green zones...def. comes in handy living in a beach community that is full of those spaces!

[wmgaretjax]

hahahaha. that guys laugh is fantastic.

[boarderwoozel3]

I like how the cop got no one.

[Wheres the beef?]

that's why i fuckin' love my handicapped parking placard...park at meters for free and no time limits in green zones...def. comes in handy living in a beach community that is full of those spaces!

To rip off a stand up comedian I heard recently:

So I have a new air freshner in my car. I'm pretty proud because I made it myself. So I went for a ride with to show it off and I got a ticket for it. Apparently they don't let you have are freshners hanging from your mirror in the shape of a handicap placard.

[Hannahrain]

Dear Wonka Candy Corporation,

I know I haven't been paying much attention to you lately. Maybe I've even been ignoring you. I swear, it wasn't on purpose. But we have to talk about something.

I returned home from the supermarket a little while ago with a bag of Runts. I opened it expecting the same mixture of fruits as when I was innocent and carefree. Back when my biggest worry was losing a My Little Pony to the playground klepto. You know, at least a year or two ago. Back then, Runts were the candy of integrity. When you had a bag of Runts, you held proof that no matter our differences, we could all live together in delectable splendor. Bananas? Long and thin and yellow. Limes? Short and plump and green. It didn't matter. We all understood it. It was a model for society that nobody could argue with. Or refrain from eating.

So when I opened this particular bag and found NO limes, ONE apple, and some foreign reddish oval that resembles a cherry tomato, I was more than a little taken aback. Runts used to be a delightful color mixture, but now seem to be all within one quadrant of the color wheel. What's the matter with you people? Are you racist? I want back the Runts of my youth. The Runts that MEANT something.

Seriously, what are the goddamn ovals?

Also your pineapple tops look like molars,
Hannah

[algunz]

Dear Hannah,

I feel your pain. Every year I get a hefty bag of Runts from Santa that holds me through to Easter, usually. I don't miss the lime, but I too am flummoxed by the odd, red oval. I am also having a hard time with the pineapple's shape and taste. Sometimes change is unnecessary.

Cheers,
Alessandra

[Hannahrain]

http://www.candymachines.com/images/bulk_candy/runts_vending_candy.jpg

Mango? What the?

I AM impressed and kind of jealous that they're bilingual, though.

[Wheres the beef?]

Donde!?

[Hannahrain]

Dear Airborne,

You've got some nerve making a gummi lozenge and then telling me I can't chew it.

Chomp chomp,
Hannah

[Hannahrain]

It's ten minutes later and I'm still sucking on the damn lozenge. This is infuriating. I think it might be plastic.

[BROKENDOLL]

Isn't there a room freshener called Airborne? Just curious...

[amyzzz]

Dear Nasty Flu,
Please go away. I've been sick with you for 5 days now not including today, and I don't want to get fired. Thank you.

P.S. Please don't make anyone else in my family sick as it is my husband's b-day on Thursday, and this sucks.

Yours until you go away,
Amy

[TomAz]

Dear Amy,

day 10 here. it's just sort of a lingering chest thing now. Mucinex helps lots.

Get well soon,

Tom

[fatbastard]

They sell Airborne at Trader Joes. The wife uses it, I don't. It's like alker seltzer but it's suppose to help you fight of a cold rather that curing one. I was getting sick a few weeks ago and found them in the medicine cabinet. I didn't know they were suppose to be put in a glass with water. I put one in my mouth and started chewing. It was more funny than scary to watch my mouth foam up in front of the medicine cabinet mirror.

[TeamCoachellaHellYeah]

Dear People from the different departments...

Look! I understand that maybe some folks just aren't used to using a Computer..but a copy or fax machine? Are you serious? Are you really fucking serious? There are directions on both machines to walk you though it!! Why do you have to come up to my desk because you "don't know how"..WHY? All you have to do is push a button or 2..and don't give me that crap that you think you "might break it"...you pushing a few things won't do a damn thing to it...maybe you will learn how to use it...then again THE DIRECTIONS ON HOW ARE RIGHT THERE!!!! And why do you always pick the times when I am fucking busy to ask me? And to the folks who don't know how to print out their boarding pass...FUCK YOU!!!

whew...
TCHY
Aka
Marco

[jonnypark]

Dear Guy Who Broke Into My 1996 Plymouth Neon Last Night,

I'm sure by know you are well aware that it was a waste of your time. Best of luck to you in future endeavours.

Fuck You Very Much

[TomAz]

that would make a good FAIL picture.

[nationocean]

Dear Rey,

Mom told me; it doesn’t matter if you’re remembered
besides, all those people who talk about you will die one day too
and all you have left is the little things that made you who you are
until your last day and now that day is here
as nothing more than an accident my husband would be proud of

I remember the way you laughed even when I wasn't funny.

I miss you Dad,
R.A.O.

[BROKENDOLL]

To My (Ex?) Co-workers at the club I walked away from the other day... I don't know yet if I'll be back to work with you in serving the club members. If I am, you can be rest assured that it'll be like working with Erin Brockovich... There won't be anymore hanky-panky while I'm taking care of your part of the job, or hiding in bathroom stalls to make calls on your cellphone...while I'm taking care of your guests. And when I may be in trouble for being 5 minutes late, guaranteed... when you walk in 20 minutes late, it will be addressed as well...I don't give a shit if you came from the same gang as the diningroom manager or sat around together over drinks the nite before. And when I'm requested to provide service at a member's home, instead of pointing out that I have had another nite off, look at it this way...If your lazy ass made an attempt to be the best you could be at work, you might get the same opportunity. Then again, your lazy ass might have to actually do something instead of just waiting for your hourly paycheck and undeserved tips each week...Are you capable of getting by without me? Oh, and to the new Chef and his entourage that joined us this year...I had to wonder why people who have worked in our kitchen for 15+ years suddenly chose to leave this season...Perhaps they didn't want anything to do with the drug dealer we now have making all the pastries, or the assistant chef and additional server bringing their affair to our place of work. I have to wonder if the place you came from before us, feels the way that I do right now...That may be the place that deserves me more...

[gratytrainridesagain]

Dear bitchy girlfriend

Please stop throwing dense objects at my head in the morning it's not nice. Even if I did throw up in your sink, but you made me drink all that Captain even though I told you exactly what would happen.

Thanks
Gravy

P.S. I hate rum

[amyzzz]

Dear TCHY,
Some people don't know how to process directions well. Yeah, I was talking about me.

Yours truly,
Amy

[TomAz]

Dear Amy,

Quit being such a CBP. Yeah, I was talking about you.

Insensitively, etc etc,
Tom

[TomAz]

Valarie,

Did you just come to Amy's defense? wow. a new day indeed.

Impressed,
Tom

[TomAz]

Valarie,

You could be talking about any number of things. I'm not clever enough to know which one(s).

Botard

[Hannahrain]

Tom,

It's pretty clear that she wanted you to reference what it was that made CBP relevant.

Butting in,
Hannah

[BROKENDOLL]

May I ask the definition of "botard" please?

[Blinken]

May I ask the definition of "botard" please?

BOard reTARD?

[smoke]

dear hare krishna guy at uc riverside,

i see you every day, in your tattered robe and funny ponytail. you dance in a neat little circle, and you play those thumb cymbals really well! yesterday you brought your bongo drum, and you kept a funky little beat! you chant your heart out, repeating your mantra as thousands of students walk by you each day. i think you are selling books/dvds, but i, like so many others, pass you by without much of a thought. we talk on our phones, or mess with our ipods...anything that will allow us to appear preoccupied. you don't seem to mind though...you are there every day, hot or cold, rain, wind, whatever.

unfortunately, many things that i enjoy on a day to day basis directly conflict with your belief system. and while i can't offer financial support, i must salute your enthusiasm and commitment, for it is a difficult and thankless task that you undertake each day.

keep on rockin,

smoke

[thestripe]

Dear George,

If you are going to hold a press conference please be prepared to answer hard questions. Not knowing that the price of gas is speculated to be at $4.00 a gallon by April is inexcusable.

unimpressed,

thestripe

[Hannahrain]

Dear Y'unz,

Those thumb symbols are called "zills".

The more you know,
Hannah

[amyzzz]

Dear Tom,
You're lucky I've spent the past couple days sleeping and puking up phlegm or you would be in trouble for that remark. I don't like that word.

starting to get healthy....
Amy

[lindseyb]

May I ask the definition of "botard" please?someone who does botox?

[msklvr]

May I ask the definition of "botard" please?

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b42/TheSILENCELV/Bo-Duke.jpg

[msklvr]

Dear NASCAR Fans,

Why did you have to be in town this week? You make traffic suck really bad. I thought you people liked cars that go fast. Why do you insist on making yours go so slowly. It took so long to get where I needed to be.

Why did you have to set up a huge race car trailer with merch right where I was going to have dinner with my family so I had to look at you my entire meal.

Why did you also set up a Skoal tent/booth right next to the hot girls in skimpy outfits? Seeing hot girls with a backdrop of big ugly dudes with black shit in their mouth is not fun.

And why did you make the canopy show to the tune of "Freebird"? Did you people think I wouldn't put two and two together? I didn't even realize you were in town, since NASCAR sucks balls, and you infested my day with your bullshit. All for a bunch of assholes driving to the left all day.

Next time you are going to come to town, please drop me a line, Oh, and if you could forward this to the NFR people as well...

Thanks in advance,

M

[Hannahrain]

Dear customers,

When you're holding four things that are clearly labeled five dollars each, it's completely inappropriate to express surprise/dismay when I tell you your total is twenty dollars. It makes you look like an idiot. And then I have to explain it to you and go over your receipt, when I really just want to give you a math worksheet.

On the same note, if you walk up to the register with two hundred dollars worth of merchandise, and I then tell you you owe a hundred and ten, you don't need to ask if I noted the discounts.

And don't call me sweetheart or honey or darling or any derivative thereof. I'm not your fucking niece.*

It's just a day job,
Hannah

*If you qualify for the senior discount, I might possibly look the other way. Maybe.

[Hannahrain]

I'm out of the loop. Why would that matter? Please tell me he plays them.

[Hannahrain]

Castanets are a completely different thing. Castanets are all clackityclack, and zills are all dingitlyding. Keep it straight.

[Hannahrain]

http://www.musicwithease.com/castanets.gif
Vs
http://www.cyberlepsy.com/zillhand1.jpg

[full on idle]

SHUT UP NOW

[Hannahrain]

SOOOOLIDARITY FOREEEEVER. YOU CAN'T KEEP ZILLS DOWN. DINGITLYDINGITLYDINGLEDING.

[Hannahrain]

DING.

[marooko]

I need to write a couple of letters.

[Mockingbird73]

Negative edition because I feel like shit:

Dear RFIs, BCRs, Submittals, Transmittals, Proposals, PDFs, Logs, Files and giant printers:

I'd like to take this opportunity to tell you that you collectively ruined my day.

Cheers,
foi

Hahahaha!...You must work in an Architect/Construction office.

I feel ya! :)

[msklvr]

Dear clocks,

You move too god damn slow when I want you to move fast. You move too fast when I want you to move slow. It's my first day off in 26 days and you are like Nascar. When I go back to work, you'll be like a damn turtle.

Look, clocks, it's vacation/party time in a little under three weeks for me. All I ask is that you go fast until then. Then go slow the entire Coachella weekend. Especially at sunset.

Ya hear?

Matt

[shakermaker113]

dear greedy re-selling loser,

when you go to a concert poster sale and you see a rare poster for a very reasonable price, why don't you stop and think that perhaps somebody else might want one? maybe that person RIGHT BEHIND YOU might like one? maybe, once you've got all nine copies in your hands and he expresses a desire for one, just maybe you should think about allowing him to buy one instead.

do you not realize that you have made it your purpose to get between other people and the things they want? you're like a ticket scalper, except you're not a bum. you have no excuse.

get a real fucking job. you'll be surprised how much more fulfilling it is to help people rather than get in their way.

(E)

[samiksha]

what poster was it?

[Hannahrain]

Dear Customers,

It's inappropriate to come into a store and say "I need you to sell me these things, but I only brought five dollars" and then get angry with the employees when things cost more than five dollars. It's 2008, for crying out loud. Everything's expensive. I have no control over the economy.

Blech,
Hannah

[fatbastard]

Dear Starbucks.

Specifically, employee 001447627. You are a dumb shit. There is yet another coffee stain on the passenger seat of my car because your too stupid to correctly apply the lid onto the cup. Even worse, you looked at me like an idiot when I asked for the paper that you confirmed at the drive thru box but forgot about at the drive thru window. Could it have been that you pocketed the 1.50? Your drawer was open and you did not give me a receipt. I hope you loose your job one day for hustling pennies and have to get a job at a car wash. I'll be sure not to give a 4 cent tip after completing the detailing of my passenger seat.

Hoping someone fucks you hard,
FB

[Bud Luster]

Dear Fatbastard,

loose jobs are my favorite, and getting fucked hard is where its at anyway.

-Thanks
BL

[fatbastard]

Dear Fatbastard,

loose jobs are my favorite, and getting fucked hard is where its at anyway.

-Thanks
BL

Not for every man (sorry GPS).

[fatbastard]

Dear Starbucks.

I just wanted to take a moment and thank you for introducing the new plastic swizzle stick cap on your lids. I am happy to report that there is no more leakage in your cups when ordering through drive thru. The cap is also quite artistic and attractive. Way to go people. Your listening and it shows.

Love you beaners.

FB

[thelastgreatman]

Dear Alma,

Please keep your posts in me of a light-hearted and preferably non-political nature. I'm supposed to be primarily facetious. Failure to adhere to this reasonable request will result in me kicking your long-winded ass all the fucking way back to Capetown.

Sincerely,
Open Letters to Specific Organizations and/or Individuals Thread

[Wheres the beef?]

Dear DDG,

Your time is at an end. I have, for too long, dealt with your bullshit and how fucked up you are. You haven't shipped us the required materials and your continuing insistence that you are absolved of all liability is incorrect. When I send you an email detailing specific examples with evidence showing you to be a dumbass idiot I expect some humbleness. Do not attempt to dismiss my claims or ignore them. The fact that you dispute my claims is all well in good but evidence would be helpful. They will not go away. That meeting we had last week where I embarrassed you in front of the owner? Yeah I made a few mistakes and you only escaped with a black eye. This time there will be no mistakes and I will nail your fucking balls to the wall. You are not even half as smart as you think you are. You will pay for everything you are responsible for and I will see to it that nobody buys your shitty ass cabinets again. You are a snake, a liar, a scumbag, and your comeuppance is at hand. Reap the whirlwind.

[Jenniehoo]

Dear Jiffy Lube in Burbank,

Why do you insist on playing True Crimes on the tv in the public area where people wait for their cars to be serviced? You rape me every time I bring my car in there for a check up - is that why I need to hear detailed stories of actual rape while I'm in the waiting area? So I'll feel less violated? Do you have any idea how uncomfortable it is to sit there and watch the True Crime story of the BTK killer from Wichita - who bound, raped and strangled his victims - with three to four strangers?

There's typically an older woman who tries to busy herself with her pocketbook - but you know she's listening to the True Crime and fighting not to make eye contact lest one of us be crazy. Then there's the guy in flannel even though it's not 1992. He has long hair and looks like he'd be smelly. He also looks like he should be doing his own car maintenance - but that's beside the point. Then there's usually a foreign person of indeterminate origin. Unnervingly this is the person most likely to make eye contact. And there's nothing worse than excessive eye contact when you're in a group of strangers hearing about brutal killings and rapes. The optional person is the woman with really tight jeans and a muffin top there with 1 to 3 kids. She seems to come most often on weekends.

In closing, I would prefer not to have this subject matter pumped into already uncomfortable air while I sit and wait with these strangers. You could probably air porn and have it be less uncomfortable. While we're at it, can we NOT make the tables so close together and small? It's difficult to ignore people when they're in your line of sight no matter what way you look.

Hating strangers and rape since '82,

Your loyal customer

[thelastgreatman]

Dear Jennie,

What happened to rape and strangers in 1982 to change your feelings from "Go, rape and strangers, go!" to "I hate you, rape and strangers."

Inquisitively,
Randypants

[full on idle]

Dear LW,

I'm pretty sure it's because it's when she was born. Were you really confused about that or did I miss a joke?

Yeah,
foi

Dear Universe,

Thank you thank you thank you for this week. It is so, so beautiful outside it feels like a dream. I can't believe I am not wearing a jacket. I forgive you for the aggro homeless at Subway at lunch. Because the sun is shining and I had frozen yogurt.

love,
foi

[stinkbutt]

Dear all the people who told me to quit smoking

Are you happy? I finally quit and because of it I'm sick as hell and it's fucking gorgeous outside, but I feel like shit. It feels like I swallowed a box of fucking tacks and I can't stop coughing up shit. If I would have known this was going to happen I wouldn't have quit. This better be gone by the Subtle show tomorrow.

don't believe the hype
stinkbutt

[TomAz]

Dear stinkbutt,

are you doing it cold turkey or do you have prescription help? get some if you don't.

TomAz

[stinkbutt]

Cold turkey it's not the lack of smoking that sucks I'm just really sick right now I don't even mind the not smoking, but no one told me you get sick when you stop it sucks

[Hannahrain]

Dear people who come into my work as we are turning off the open sign,

It's inappropriate to browse after we've closed. If you know exactly what you want, and you slip in at the last minute, that's one thing. But to ask me to show you all sorts of things and design things for you is unfuckingbelievably rude. I just want to go HOME. I will purposely design your things ugly if it happens again.

Go AWAY,
Hannah

[Jenniehoo]

Dear world,

I was born in '79. I chose '82 randomly.

Just clearing things up,

Jennie

[full on idle]

Dear Jennie,

Dammit Hoo.

Srsly,
foi

[thefunkylama]

Dear Hoodle,

pls make up. us kids is scarred.

-the kids

[fatbastard]

Dear Stomach.

Please be more cooperative in allowing me to eat red meat occasionally. There's no need to push everything out because you forgot how to digest it. I can assure you that I'm not trying to be a vegetarian. I'm just trying to greatly reduce the amount of red meat in my diet. Remember how you use to love all of those Carna Asadas' and steaks? I'm still going to have them, just not every day like before.

Thanks,
FB

[BROKENDOLL]

Fatbastard, thank you so much for sharing that intimate message to your stomach with us! Do I dare ask for your stomach's response?

[miscorrections]

I hope your stomach forwarded the message to your intestines.

[fatbastard]

Fatbastard, thank you so much for sharing that intimate message to your stomach with us! Do I dare ask for your stomach's response?

It's in a good mood this morning. We totally had a fight last night. I'm not too happy that it took it upon itself to dump everything. You know there are other parts of my body that have toughed it out in bad situations. My kidneys have always come through. I'm easy able to wait for long periods of time if unable to find a restroom throught the cooperation of my kidneys. I'm not greedy either. I give them plenty of water and Diet Coke because we both like them so much. My stomach is just greedy and thinking of itself. Mr wee wee use to be the same way 20 years ago or so. It took alot of late night conversations to him understand the meaning of commitment. I blame meyself for this whole thing. Of all my body parts, I've spoiled my stomach the most. I've given it everything it wants and now it expects it. I don't think last night was the last fight we're going to have on this subject. I'm confident that we can work it out. When all is said and done, I really do care about it. It just doesn't see the good I'm trying to do for both of us.

[BROKENDOLL]

It's in a good mood this morning. We totally had a fight last night. I'm not too happy that it took it upon itself to dump everything. You know there are other parts of my body that have toughed it out in bad situations. My kidneys have always come through. I'm easy able to wait for long periods of time if unable to find a restroom throught the cooperation of my kidneys. I'm not greedy either. I give them plenty of water and Diet Coke because we both like them so much. My stomach is just greedy and thinking of itself. Mr wee wee use to be the same way 20 years ago or so. It took alot of late night conversations to him understand the meaning of commitment. I blame meyself for this whole thing. Of all my body parts, I've spoiled my stomach the most. I've given it everything it wants and now it expects it. I don't think last night was the last fight we're going to have on this subject. I'm confident that we can work it out. When all is said and done, I really do care about it. It just doesn't see the good I'm trying to do for both of us. It's a shame you can't beat your stomach, or it would be as happy and content as Mr. Wee Wee. :winkiss

[Young blood]

Way to destroy the coachella valley message board. You have made this place unbearable to tolerate any further.

[BROKENDOLL]

Way to destroy the coachella valley message board. You have made this place unbearable to tolerate any further. Might I inquire as to which specific organization and/ or Individual you would like me to forward this to, Mr. Youngblood?

[fatbastard]

Dear Starbucks drive thru employee,

Thanks for reminding me about giving up on society. When you asked "how are you doing today" and I responded with "I'm a little fuckin hung over and feeling like shit right now, how about you?" you went right on to taking my order as if nothing was ever said. I know the fat Mario Batali looking store manager down the street would have been empathetic and offered a witty return. You understand that part of your organization’s vision is to bring that European coffee house feel to America. That means not only asking questions but also answering them. I don't know what country you come from that asks people questions but doesn't answer them but it's no country of mine.

Happy 4th of July weekend.

FB

[RotationSlimWang]

Dear Fat Bastard,

They're working a drive thru. They don't care how you are. They have their own problems. You're supposed to just say, "Fine, (order)," not try to rope them into a conversation about your trials and tribulations.

Sincerely,
Rhetorical Questions

[RotationSlimWang]

So I received this email today:


Wall High School Alumni Update - Third Request

Dear Randy Mills,

We are currently in the final stages of editing your biographical information to be included in the Wall High School Alumni Directory, but we need your help! A brief telephone call will ensure your listing is completely accurate and up-to-date.

Please, give us a call at your convenience this week so that we may verify your information with you.

Kelly J. Hardy
Harris Connect Directory Office
For Wall High School

And here was my reply:


Kelly,

I never graduated from Wall High School. I dropped out as a result of every member of the faculty being a total cocksucker. Please make a note that I don't ever want to be contacted about anything relating to that shithole, particularly fabrications of alumni status. Publish any of my personal information in any such journal and somebody will get their alumni asses sued for wanton invasion of my right to privacy. Thank you and have a nice day.

Randy Mills

[locachica73]

Dear Best Friend Who Is Boning my Brother:

I know in the past we have always shared our thoughts on men, and our sexual experiences because that is what best friends do. But never ever ever do I need to hear about how my Brother is into kink or how yummy cute he is or the fact that he has great stamina or any other detail. And no matter how many times you say "just pretend I am not talking about your brother" it just doesn't work so please refrain from sharing this information. He is my brother and I prefer to think of him as a nonsexual being. It would be like me boning your dad and telling you about it.

Thank you for your understanding in this matter.

(damn I wish I could really send her this but at least I got it off my chest)

[algunz]

Wall . . that's a great name for a high school, especially one you dropped out of. : )

[chairmenmeow47]

Dear Best Friend Who Is Boning my Brother:

I know in the past we have always shared our thoughts on men, and our sexual experiences because that is what best friends do. But never ever ever do I need to hear about how my Brother is into kink or how yummy cute he is or the fact that he has great stamina or any other detail. And no matter how many times you say "just pretend I am not talking about your brother" it just doesn't work so please refrain from sharing this information. He is my brother and I prefer to think of him as a nonsexual being. It would be like me boning your dad and telling you about it.

Thank you for your understanding in this matter.

(damn I wish I could really send her this but at least I got it off my chest)


...

wow, that is... ewww!

dear hummer,

i know you probably like your music, hell, we all like music. but you randomly humming for like 2 bars loudly off tune and then stopping is not the way to show your appreciation for this music, nor does it make me very happy. i will continue to loudly grab my ipod everytime this happens until the situation is resolved.

sincerely,

--management.

[BROKENDOLL]

Hey, Crowdsurfer at San Diego's Mayhem Festival yesterday! Yeah, you, motherfucker! First off, I realize it was a heavy metal festival and I expected moshpits and mayhem. What I didn't expect was your heavy fat ass using my head as a stepping stone as you tried getting to the stage. And what made you think that once you got over the barrier that was crushing my ribs, that you'ld be able to clear the 8 foot gap to get to the stage? Certainly not the 25 lb. chain-laden combat boots you wore on a 90* day, asswipe! What? Was it the other 1/2 dozen moshers with their own personal testosterone level exibitions that provoked you to try surfing your 218lb through the crowd? Fuck, the only reason their testosterone got them surfed was the fact that they weighed less than 150 lbs and were too small for the pit that was just 10 feet behind! Yeah, you stupid dickwad, 10 fucking feet! I imagine with all that sweat pouring out of the fleshfolds of your ass, you didn't notice the 20+others violently going in a tribal-like circle like the lead singer Ivan requested, did you? Don't get me wrong, I've been to plenty F.F.D.P. shows and I know about the moshpits. I also know that even front row center can be a little crushing when a song begins. Unless there's some fucking idiot (That would be you.) who thinks the lead singer desires him so much that he can clear the final 8 feet to the stage, most headbangers join the tribal circle while us dedicated fans enjoy our closeup position with alittle pushing here and there. I came to see and hear some metal, asshole...as did the young lady next to me, and the small boned guy next to her. I didn't come to defend my own life, as well as theirs, because some ignorant fat-ass punk gets his heavy metal nut by having a crowd of people touch him here and there while try keeping that lard afloat! After your fucking boot made contact with my forehead, I saw stars for a minute, and I'm not talking about the guitarist or singer, you piece of shit! I may be a lady, and I may be somewhat older than the norm at that festival, but let me tell you...Once all your bodily sweat evaporated from various parts of my upper body and I was able to focus again while fighting the surge of people you then created,you have no clue how bad I wanted to find your fucking ass and take one of those wannabe hardass boots and shove it down your throat. One last thing...If you really think that skinhead look of yours was cool, imagine how much fucking cooler it would look if you had an peachpit sized bump on your forehead like the one I have on mine, you fucking ignoramus! Thanks to you, I'm now a Brokendoll with a headache due to the bump your fat-ass left!

[algunz]

If it bothers you that much, why are you in front at a metal show. What could you have possibly expected?

[locachica73]

That is exactly why the next time I see Tool at Cricket Pavilion (if they play there again considering last time someone threw bottles at them) I will NOT be in the lawn area. I am fully aware what happens at those shows and last time I was there and in the lawn area I realized I was OLD!!!

[amyzzz]

That's me at a NIN show. I'm waiting until they announce a Phoenix date, but when they do, I'll be in the same boat, the boat for old wimpy fans who are just there for the music (and Trent Reznor *SIGH!*).

[chairmenmeow47]

That's me at a NIN show. I'm waiting until they announce a Phoenix date, but when they do, I'll be in the same boat, the boat for old wimpy fans who are just there for the music (and Trent Reznor *SIGH!*).

dear trent reznor,

my friend amyzzz and i understand that you may be coming to phoenix soon. in the event that you grace our fair city with your presence, we would be honoured to be your sex slaves for the duration of your visit. please respond indicating an outfit selection for each of us, as well as any other "ammenities" that would make your experience more enjoyable. we look forward to serving you.

sincerely,

--your az fan club

http://ivy.aholic.us/gallery/d/582982-2/trent_reznor.jpg?g2_GALLERYSID=dee35a73dbf2ff8ddf5 030531657d168

[locachica73]

That's me at a NIN show. I'm waiting until they announce a Phoenix date, but when they do, I'll be in the same boat, the boat for old wimpy fans who are just there for the music (and Trent Reznor *SIGH!*).

I would loveeeeeee to see NIN!!! When I was at the Tool show we got there early cuz we knew we had lawn seats and wanted to secure a spot. There were kids lighting garbage on fire right behind us, someone had to get up on the beer shack and spray the crowd down with a hose, and people trying to crowd surf over us into the seats. And I get panick attacks when I feel trapped which I felt at that moment, so it ruined my entire Tool experience. So next time they are in town I will be in the seats. Until then I will go see my local cover band Nineball, Marty can sing sober and stinkfist to me ANYDAY. He also does Closer by NIN. I love him.

[amyzzz]

Dear locachica,
You and I are breaking format here. Please read the rules on page 1 and revert back to the standard format.

PS I'm not sure if there are any rules--I probably just made that all up, but I'm too lazy to look.

Sincerely,
Amy

[BROKENDOLL]

If it bothers you that much, why are you in front at a metal show. What could you have possibly expected? Well, teacher, probably because I'm a fan. Although I've never understood the concept behind moshing, I know they generally follow "moshing" guidelines so noone gets hurt. The part I forgot or gave the benefit of the doubt to is the inconsiderate idiots that go to concerts like that. Who the fuck are you with your fucking 25lb boots and your fat ass to think others enjoy carrying that tub of lard over their heads?


That is exactly why the next time I see Tool at Cricket Pavilion (if they play there again considering last time someone threw bottles at them) I will NOT be in the lawn area. I am fully aware what happens at those shows and last time I was there and in the lawn area I realized I was OLD!!! Yep, I do believe yesterday I realized that my open mind to various styles of music doesn't mean it's open to various styles of behavior at concerts nowadays. I remember passing joints and sharing bottles with people, not throwing them. In other words...I'll take Coachella over Mayhem anyday!

[locachica73]

Dear Amyzzz:

Thank you for the heads up on the rules, I have a habit of going off on tangents, I have come to blame the voices in my head. I will from now on force them to conform to the rules of the board because I would hate to actually have to do work during work hours and this is a fine way to avoid that so I would hate to upset the powers that be. Your advice is much appreciated. :)

Sincerely,
that crazy chick

[BROKENDOLL]

Dear Amyzzz, Why didn't you point out the rules when I joined? You could have saved me alot of hassle in having to continually learn the hard way. I'll forgive you for this faux paus if you'll forgive me for mine. Brokendoll

[PineapplePete]

Dear Board,

Shut the fuck up.

Thanks,

Pete



Dear Randy,

Get your own shtick.

Thanks,

Pete

[Blinken]

Dear Pete,

Would you like some fries with that??

- Blink

[PineapplePete]

sue his cripple ass

[woogie846]

Dear Beck,

It's been a while since you canceled that Echo show, and maybe it's about time that you reschedule it.

Woogie

[locachica73]

Dear Mom:

E-mails should not be written in all caps, this is considered yelling to most people who know how to set up an email address. And the e-card thing has to stop. No one should ever send an e-card with dancing bunnies and then go on to talk about their husband, his health and his inability to go to the restroom, in fact, I do not want to know about your husbands restroom habits with our without dancing bunnies. So the e-card with the dancing bunnies, the husbands bathroom habits and the side comments about what a rotten teen I was really isn't appreciated. How about I send you an e-card with singing sunflowers telling you about what a rotten parent you were and how everything I do in life I think "how would my mother handle this" and do the exact fucking opposite.

Sincerely:
Your loving daughter

p.s. your son is banging my friend and apparently has great stamina.

[Hopeless Semantic]

Dear Conservative Type,

My lunch hour is not yours to mess with. I do not need your faulty sermon ruining the crispness of my salad. I know you have your beliefs and that's fuckin' nice. However, I don't believe you were correct in saying this nation is falling into the hands of sodomizers and whores. Maybe it would be run better if it were. The so-called conservative bretheren have had 8 years to lead this country in the right direction and well, it hasn't. There are points to be made and a time to do it. I only have an hour to enjoy myself, and I don't want to spend it looking at the forrest that resides in your nostil cavity.

Also, I don't know if you singled me out because of the tone of my skin, but don't assume I'm not intelligent. It's not like I have just found my opportunity in America. I don't prescribe by the ignorant belief of ignorance. So, if I do see you next time outside, I will engage you in a debate. Let's hope you don't end up with a plastic spork in your eye. I would hate for you to miss the future HOPE is bringing.

Sparing Civility one Jerk-off at a time,
Paul

[amyzzz]

Dear busybody sister-in-law,
Mind your own damn business. Better yet, get back to me when you have kids of your own and actually understand my circumstances.

grumblingly,
Amy

[allyjoy]

Dear Nice guys of the world:

Man the fuck up & ask her out instead of complaining to me about how girls don't like nice guys. The reason girls aren't interested in you is because you don't have any balls. Grow a fucking pair for Christsake and make a move. Girls don't want a pussy! Chances are you're more attractive than you think and you have more to offer than the douchebag she's talking to at the bar, so shut the fuck up and get laid!

Sincerely,
Tired of Your Bitching.

[chairmenmeow47]

Dear Nice guys of the world:

Man the fuck up & ask her out instead of complaining to me about how girls don't like nice guys. The reason girls aren't interested in you is because you don't have any balls. Grow a fucking pair for Christsake and make a move. Girls don't want a pussy! Chances are you're more attractive than you think and you have more to offer than the douchebag she's talking to at the bar, so shut the fuck up and get laid!

Sincerely,
Tired of Your Bitching.

dear nice guys,

exactly what she said.

sincerely,
another girl who has more game than you

[marooko]

Dear Bitches,

Quit acting like bitches and a nice guy might talk to you. That would benefit you both because they would intern be more confident, and you won't have to deal with black eyes from your cool, thug boyfriend who's banging your BFF. Bitch.

Anonymous

[kreutz2112]

Dear Randy,

That was funny.

Die,
kreutz

[marooko]

Dear Best Friend Who Is Boning my Brother:

I know in the past we have always shared our thoughts on men, and our sexual experiences because that is what best friends do. But never ever ever do I need to hear about how my Brother is into kink or how yummy cute he is or the fact that he has great stamina or any other detail. And no matter how many times you say "just pretend I am not talking about your brother" it just doesn't work so please refrain from sharing this information. He is my brother and I prefer to think of him as a nonsexual being. It would be like me boning your dad and telling you about it.

Thank you for your understanding in this matter.

(damn I wish I could really send her this but at least I got it off my chest)


didnt get past the intro to the letter. i love it.

[locachica73]

Dear guys with shaved heads, tattoo'd scalps and necks, missing teeth motherfuckers who only wear dicky long shorts that sag off your ass, wife beaters and long socks who were at the probation office waiting to pee in a cup while I was there with my 15 year old daughter:

I was not there to pick up on loser men so next time you see me there please refrain from calling me Mamasita and staring at my ass. And if one more of you mother fuckers look at my daughter in that "interested" way I will stab you with a sharp object in both your eyeballs and will be doing the world a favor.

Sincerely
Disgusted individual

[Hopeless Semantic]

Dear Disgusted Individual,

Sorry. Nice Culo, Mamasita! Odelay!

Chupame,
Dickie Wearing Choloman

[locachica73]

Dear Disgusted Individual,

Sorry. Nice Culo, Mamasita! Odelay!

Chupame,
Dickie Wearing Choloman

Dear dickie wearing choloman:

gracias

Tu chica loca

[locachica73]

Dear Brain:

Please refrain from spinning out of control as soon as the lights go out and it is time to go to sleep, I know there is alot of shit going on right now but keeping me up until 4:30 am when I am suppose to be at work by 8 is not very nice. There is nothing that can be fixed at 4:30 am that can't be fixed during daylight hours when normal people are awake. So tonight, if you don't mind, I would like to be asleep by at least 10 pm so that I can be bright and cheerful at work tomorrow and not zombie like. I of course will do my part to make sure this happens with the correct prescription.

Thank you for your understanding,
Zombie Me

[BROKENDOLL]

Dear Brain:

Please refrain from spinning out of control as soon as the lights go out and it is time to go to sleep, I know there is alot of shit going on right now but keeping me up until 4:30 am when I am suppose to be at work by 8 is not very nice. There is nothing that can be fixed at 4:30 am that can't be fixed during daylight hours when normal people are awake. So tonight, if you don't mind, I would like to be asleep by at least 10 pm so that I can be bright and cheerful at work tomorrow and not zombie like. I of course will do my part to make sure this happens with the correct prescription.

Thank you for your understanding,
Zombie Me

Dear Zombie Me, Oh, but I do understand. What appeared to you as spinning out of control was merely me, your brain, operating in a sober fashion. Actually refered to as clear thinking. I apologize for the fact that we had to wait until the darkness to touch bases, but, between all the shit going on and the fact that you share your abode with unruly teenagers, I find it hard to display my actual capabilities unto you until the dark and quiet hours of the night when those lil' rascals are either asleep, or out cruising the streets. Oh, and don't worry about being bright and cheerful, or seeming like a zombie at work tomorrow... I know as well as you that you're responsible enough to make sure the important shit is done and have actually become very adept at looking busy while actually posting on a message board. Whether or not I'm there to guide your thoughts is irrevelant, there's always the "I'm Drunk Thread" if your Zombie-like behavior becomes overwhelming. I will do my best to have you in bed by 10pm without any prescriptions, but to be safe, I will have a talk with your conscience in regards to allowing you the pleasure of self-medicating if necessary. BTW...Do you not have a poker match coming up? I too could use alittle stimulation besides wondering about those teenagers all the time. Thinking of you...and for you, Your Brain

[locachica73]

Dear BD,

LOL! Oh and by the way I do have a poker tourny coming up on Saturday, cross your fingers I win some money, I need something good to happen to make me forget the bad. A couple grand would surely put a smile on my face... shit I would settle for a couple hundred at this point.

Sincerely,
La Chica Loca

[Hopeless Semantic]

Dear Exhibitionists,

It is one thing to engage in innocent forms of PDA, but to suck face and make lascivious movements in the middle of my line of sight is just plain wrong. I am glad you two are in post-teen/young adult love--but as you'll quickly learn; love doesn't always exist and is as fickle as moments of brilliance in life. So, if you really want to make things last, make sure these moments are more of a treat and not a daily occurance. I'll not promise you that even such measured acts of romance will keep a heart true. But I'll promise you that I won't post letters on your behalf if you do.

Thanks,
Possibly Jealous One ;)

[locachica73]

Dear Possibly Jealous One:

So does that mean your against road head?

Sincerely,
An inquiring mind.

[JustSteve]

Dear Bitches,

Quit acting like bitches and a nice guy might talk to you. That would benefit you both because they would intern be more confident, and you won't have to deal with black eyes from your cool, thug boyfriend who's banging your BFF. Bitch.

Anonymous

Dear Marooko,

I have now read two posts from you in which you use the word "intern" in a way that burns my eyes. It should be "in turn", this is "intern":
http://www.superiorpics.com/hs/monica_lewinski/main1.jpg

[JustSteve]

Dear Heath Ledger,

I had a tear in my eye last night when the Dark Knight ended. Thank you for going out with one hell of a performance.

[fatbastard]

Dear Mongolian BBQ customers who sat next to me last night.

Your actions last night were an interruption to everyone. If my memory serves me well, you sir were wearing a 250.00 pair of running shoes, a beige pair of cargo pants and a blue Nordstrom shirt. Your wife was wearing a blue pair of peddle pushers, a gray tank top and a platinum watch. The black Mercedes you drove away with indicates that you may not be living check to check. The place mats at the Mongolian BBQ restaurant explain how to pick up a bowl, fill it full of various meats and vegetables then hand it over to the cook. I observed your wife do just that. When she sat back down, someone showed up with 2 servings of rice. Your wife contacted the manager and explained how, "you weren't too hungry but did want something to eat so you would both be sharing 1 plate". The manager was quite polite in explaining that plates could not shared. She seemed quite worried, based on my observations, as she asked you several times, "what should we do?". You made the decision to have neither one of you eat the plate and left it uneaten. Shortly after, you then left the restaurant and left your wife to pay, who by the way, asked for a discount of the 1 plate. If you have an opportunity, please let your wife know that she may re-consider picking her teeth in front of the mirror behind the register while waiting to pay. Since you both made a big deal out of what happened, it was safe to say that everyone was looking at her at that time. The all you can eat meal is 8.99 per person, regardless of how much you eat. You must be use to negotiating thousands of dollars for your company on a daily basis. For future reference, you may want to seek more information on the concept of character. It may be difficult to understand at first but you will not be sorry.

Happy eating to both of you.

FB

[suprefan]

Oh Henry, lets hope you dont have to deal with some rich folk around us at Batman later today.

[fatbastard]

You want to eat at Waffles or Cat and Fiddle?

[locachica73]

Dear Fellow Co-worker Julianne AKA Nips:

As an adult woman who works around mostly men, and having ginormous breasts, you should probably know that the very thin silky bras with the very thin white shirt does not leave much to the imagination, especially considering they keep it about 70 degrees in our office. So please do not complain about the fact that men don't seem to look you in the eye. I am a heterosexual woman and it is hard for me not to stare at your breasts considering they are continually staring at me. I know you don't want to buy a "padded" bra due to the ginormousness of your breasts but at least get something with a little more coverage then what you have. Or if you want you can always stop by the Castle and pick yourself up some pasties. Anything would be better then what you got going on, you could put an eye out with one of those things. I have heard from several of our male coworkers that it makes them uncomfortable and they have stated that it would be like them walking around with a permanent hard on, which considering some of the men we work with I would not like to see.

Sincerely,
A concerned co-worker.

[Hopeless Semantic]

Dear Possibly Jealous One:

So does that mean your against road head?

Sincerely,
An inquiring mind.

Dear Inquiring Mind,

Albeit road head is a PDA, it is a rather obscure one, so I am not against obtaining the oral satisfaction that usually comes with it. To answer your question: No. Go ahead and slurp away America, God know you deserve to.

Swallowed, not spitten,
H.S.

[BROKENDOLL]

Dear Inquiring Mind,

Albeit road head is a PDA, it is a rather obscure one, so I am not against obtaining the oral satisfaction that usually comes with it. To answer your question: No. Go ahead and slurp away America, God know you deserve to.

Swallowed, not spitten,
H.S.
(Now crumpling up recently penned letter.) "Gulp," that answered my next question.

[Blinken]

Dear Fellow Co-worker Julianne AKA Nips:

As an adult woman who works around mostly men, and having ginormous breasts, you should probably know that the very thin silky bras with the very thin white shirt does not leave much to the imagination, especially considering they keep it about 70 degrees in our office. So please do not complain about the fact that men don't seem to look you in the eye. I am a heterosexual woman and it is hard for me not to stare at your breasts considering they are continually staring at me. I know you don't want to buy a "padded" bra due to the ginormousness of your breasts but at least get something with a little more coverage then what you have. Or if you want you can always stop by the Castle and pick yourself up some pasties. Anything would be better then what you got going on, you could put an eye out with one of those things. I have heard from several of our male coworkers that it makes them uncomfortable and they have stated that it would be like them walking around with a permanent hard on, which considering some of the men we work with I would not like to see.

Sincerely,
A concerned co-worker.

Dear Concerned Co-Worker,

I have gone over your complaint but more information is needed to make a judgement. Please send in photos of the ginormous breasts in question so I can properly asses the situation.

Thank you for your time,

Head of Human Resources

[locachica73]

Dear Head of Human Resources:

There are enough strange rumors that go around about me at work as is, me taking pictures of my co-workers breasteses might be just asking for trouble, but if I can sneak a shot in I will be sure to accomodate. That's me, always going the extra mile.

Sincerely:
Number 1 Employee

[chairmenmeow47]

dear creepy guy in the cube across from me,

hi creepy guy. me and my project coordinator are starting to get creeped out by the increasing number of incidents where we look up and happen to catch you staring at us, especially since your computer faces the opposite direction. yes, we're both attractive people; however we are at work and don't want to have to find excuses to leave our desks just because you're creeping us out.

we'd also appreciate it if you didn't creep up our conversations with your weird comments. it's cool that you want to get to know us since we're work for your parent company, but your comments generally just seem to stop the conversation. especially when you save your little tidbits of information for later when we're alone and the conversation has long since ended.

also, while we're at it, the humming and talking to yourself only adds to the creepy. the cat pictures are only slightly creepy, but we will overlook them if you promise to stop the staring. your assistance in this matter is greatly appreciated.

sincerely,

-- management

[fatbastard]

http://meaney.us/wp-content/weirdguy.jpg

[chairmenmeow47]

http://meaney.us/wp-content/weirdguy.jpg

OMG YOU FOUND HIM!

*edit*

it appears he may be MOVING CUBES!!! OH HAPPY DAY!!!!!!!!!!

[allyjoy]

Dear Boss,

I recognize that there is a certain jealousy for the freedom I have, being young and unattached and without children. You and I both know I hate this job more than anything, and that I only do my work to collect a paycheck. We have had this conversation multiple times and you continue to pretend like I never said so. Then, you call me into the conference room to condescend my attempts of doing my job correctly and efficiently. I have made your priorities my priorities even though they are ass backwards. My numbers have actually been pretty stellar. Yet, you seem to think that because I am young and have no ambition to remain with this company, that I do not perform my job to the best of my abilities. I have already told you that the truth is just that I suck at it. I suck because it is mindles paper pushing that does nothing for my mind or spirit and it is a soul sucking cesspool of depression.

I am sorry that you married the company and didn't stay a teacher 20 years ago. You chose to marry some chick that works for the same company. You chose to put your kids in a private school out in Chico. You made your bed. I am going to law school and you know this because you wrote my letter of recommendation, so stop trying to destroy my spirit. The only reason I can walk into the office everyday and not commit suicide is because I know this is not my career. If you only knew how many people have told me this job has destroyed their soul, you would understand why I can't take this too seriously.

Sincerely,
soon to be former employee

[RotationSlimWang]

Dear Ally,

They'll let your kind practice law? I suppose it's probably an advantage to some degree in that the schools must assume you're already thoroughly familiar with court proceedings.

Sincerely,
Facetious Racism

[allyjoy]

one of the benefits of being black, my friend.

[locachica73]

Dear girl in the next cubicle:

I just heard you actually say WTF instead of What the fuck. Sorry for laughing at you, but I didn't realize anyone over the age of 15 actually spelled that shit out when speaking.

Sincerely,
The girl next door who is wasting the day away.

[shakermaker113]

dear locachica,

that is worth laughing at. good work.

sincerely,

m(e)

[MissingPerson]

Dear girl in the next cubicle:

I just heard you actually say WTF instead of What the fuck. Sorry for laughing at you, but I didn't realize anyone over the age of 15 actually spelled that shit out when speaking.

Sincerely,
The girl next door who is wasting the day away.

El Em Eff Ay Oh.

[marooko]

to the people i see and talk to every few months even though we have each others numbers and you call and leave messages.

what part of that arent you understanding? do you not notice the quick short answers? why dont you realized that i havent called you in like 3 years?

so, here it is. i dont really like you, thats why i dont call. thats also why i dont answer or return your calls. when we see each other, i say hi and stuff, but that doesnt mean i like you. im just being civil. thats it. please, pick up on the years of hints, i really dont wanna be a dick, but its getting harder not to be.

[atom heart]

Dear Vista:

Thank you for occupying an entire half of my drive with your dead files/ephemera/broken dlls/bad mappings/aero window art/imbecilic boot loader that can't find its own operating system let alone any other OS I might have loaded to relieve myself of your depressing tendency to blue-screen error. Thank you for all of your crap, now if only I had the courage to obliterate you...

Dear (U)(K)(X)ubuntu Linux:

You're free. And for something free you work relatively well. Thanks to you I had to fix several things but learned about the Master Boot Record and the boot process and codecs and Mozilla plugins. But your buggy ALSA sound continues to irk. I can't trust your upgrades either. I installed you in a fit of anger and once that wore off I patiently fixed what was broken and was proud of my work. As much as I would like to try the newest distribution the fact that you recently lost one kernel due to one bad update scared me and now I'm afraid of touching anything. Everything JUST works.

Dear Linux geeks at school:

I've found that KDE is irksome. Thanks you guys for helping me but I could do without the KDE (Gnome) sucks, use Gnome (KDE)! I'll form my own opinions thank you...

REL


PS Computers annoy me. They put me through too much, but that's partly my fault.

[chairmenmeow47]

attention: all applicants for the administrative assistant position,

we appreciate your resumes. it would be nice if some of you actually learned how to write a resume though. for starters, keep it one page. unless you're published or are applying for highly technical work, no one gives a shit beyond one page. also, take two seconds to edit for formatting. there shouldn't be 5 different fonts and there shouldn't be two sentences on a 2nd page. and spelling, grammar, i know it seems obvious, but if you're applying for an admin position, you probably want to show you can string a sentence or two together without sounding like a retard. you also want to show you can format a document as you'll probably be doing some of that, right?

also, why some of you choose to include a job you were at for a month is beyond me. waste of space. along with that top half section of the page you've filled with buzzwords like "self-starter, great communicator", get rid of it. list your skills underneath the positions you've held like a normal person. and QUALIFY what you're saying! "great salesperson" doesn't mean the same as "sold $15,000-$25,000 in product every month". i want to know what you actually did, not what you feel like you did. OH, and if you're going to include an objective, you probably should change it from "to obtain a position as a financial aid manager" or whatever because THAT IS NOT THIS POSITION! nothing makes me toss a resume aside faster than that.

lastly, if one more of you puts that you're an "expert" on all of the department of education regulations i'm going to pull out my hair. you are a LIAR! stop LYING! why set yourself up for failure?

while i would like to actually hire one of you, you're making it very difficult. please get your act together and submit a proper resume, people!!!

sincerely,

--management

[fatbastard]

"I'm a people person". I love that one.

[TeamCoachellaHellYeah]

Dear APW concert goers.

I am hearing alot of whining about the lines and the rules and what not but, have any of you ever gone to a festival? really? It seems that the ones who have gone to one , had a much better time and were impressive by how organized it was ( My Wife and I were 2 of them ). Maybe you all thought it was a Radiohead and JJ solo show?

Tours Truly,
Marco AKA TCHY

[ivankay]

Dear Depression,

Why you bumming me out?

mike

[marooko]

yeah DP. WTF!?! seriously.

[Hannahrain]

Dear Mike,

Cheer up. You're a good person, and very well-liked.

Love,
Reason

[ivankay]

Dear Reason,

Next time your in this neck of the woods, cheering up is on me.

Love back,

mike

[chairmenmeow47]

"I'm a people person". I love that one.

ha ha ha, that is a good one. i love "excellent communication skills" because it's usually written after something is phrased horribly.

dear mike,

don't let the man get you down!

sincerely,

--chairmenmeow47 :)

[amyzzz]

Dear APW concert goers.

I am hearing alot of whining about the lines and the rules and what not but, have any of you ever gone to a festival? really? It seems that the ones who have gone to one , had a much better time and were impressive by how organized it was ( My Wife and I were 2 of them ). Maybe you all thought it was a Radiohead and JJ solo show?

Tours Truly,
Marco AKA TCHY
Dear Marco,
The lines were pretty bad, but other than that, I agree that the festival was well-organized. Kudos to bringing some coachella art and the Do Lab over to APW. And wow, I loved those arepas (corn cake with mozzarella cheese). :thu

Sincerely,
Amy

[allyjoy]

Dear Fashion Models aka Skeletors:

You make me feel fat for eating two to three times a day. Granted, the animal style fries I had last night probably also helped but I'm on my period and deep fried potatos comfort me. You, however, do not eat at all. You're the walking dead. You remind me of my own mortality and that I'm not nor will I ever be a size 0. I don't want to be a size 0 and I don't want your images to try and convince me I should be. I will feed you if you can't cook. I'll buy you chilli cheese fries from Tommy's or a double double from in-n-out if you promise to pack it down and not throw it up later. I need you to gain about 15 to 20 pounds so you look like a real person.

Thank you,
Chunky Monkey

[marooko]

Dear Marco,
The lines were pretty bad, but other than that, I agree that the festival was well-organized. Kudos to bringing some coachella art and the Do Lab over to APW. And wow, I loved those arepas (corn cake with mozzarella cheese). :thu

Sincerely,
Amy

you sure that wasnt a pupusa? well, arepas can have many things in them and they're both fucking awesome!!!

[marooko]

Dear Fashion Models aka Skeletors:

You make me feel fat for eating two to three times a day. Granted, the animal style fries I had last night probably also helped but I'm on my period and deep fried potatos comfort me. You, however, do not eat at all. You're the walking dead. You remind me of my own mortality and that I'm not nor will I ever be a size 0. I don't want to be a size 0 and I don't want your images to try and convince me I should be. I will feed you if you can't cook. I'll buy you chilli cheese fries from Tommy's or a double double from in-n-out if you promise to pack it down and not throw it up later. I need you to gain about 15 to 20 pounds so you look like a real person.

Thank you,
Chunky Monkey

to chunky monkeys all over the world,

you're loved by many, much more than them stick figure chicks on heroin.


to the skinnier ladies all around the world,

we love you too, we just would rather not see your bones protruding through your skin.

[BROKENDOLL]

Dear Fashion Models aka Skeletors:

You make me feel fat for eating two to three times a day. Granted, the animal style fries I had last night probably also helped but I'm on my period and deep fried potatos comfort me. You, however, do not eat at all. You're the walking dead. You remind me of my own mortality and that I'm not nor will I ever be a size 0. I don't want to be a size 0 and I don't want your images to try and convince me I should be. I will feed you if you can't cook. I'll buy you chilli cheese fries from Tommy's or a double double from in-n-out if you promise to pack it down and not throw it up later. I need you to gain about 15 to 20 pounds so you look like a real person.

Thank you,
Chunky Monkey I wish you had posted this animal style fry remedy 2-3 days ago, dammit...

[locachica73]

Dear Allyjoy:

Can you believe after all those damn fry threads from days past I still have no clue what an animal fry is. Please enlighten me.

Sincerely:
Inquiring Mind

[BROKENDOLL]

to chunky monkeys all over the world,

you're loved by many, much more than them stick figure chicks on heroin.


to the skinnier ladies all around the world,

we love you too, we just would rather not see your bones protruding through your skin. I'm on the skinny side, but 2 days ago I resembled a water balloon. Had my bones been the protuding type I would have been history!

[allyjoy]

Dear Allyjoy:

Can you believe after all those damn fry threads from days past I still have no clue what an animal fry is. Please enlighten me.

Sincerely:
Inquiring Mind

Dear Inquiring Mind,

Animal style fries are a boat of french fries covered in melted cheese, grilled onions and spread. They are delicious! I suggest you find your nearest In-N-Out and make that purchase. Your life will be better for it. :)

Sincerely,
Allyjoy

[locachica73]

Dear Inquiring Mind,

Animal style fries are a boat of french fries covered in melted cheese, grilled onions and spread. They are delicious! I suggest you find your nearest In-N-Out and make that purchase. Your life will be better for it. :)

Sincerely,
Allyjoy

Dear Allyjoy,

Thank you for the information. I have never seen it on my in-n-out menu but I will inquire next time I am in there. The bar I go to regularly has something on their menu called Irish Nachos, pretty much the same thing, french fries covered in cheese and sauce of some sort. I have not tried them but might have to give it a shot. I know when I am leaving the bar going through Jack in the Crack and eating their potato wedges covered in crumbled bacon, nacho cheese sauce and sour cream is like a little party in my mouth. All the flavors meld so well together. It might be a heart attack waiting to happen but we only live once right?

Sincerely,
LocaChica

[Blinken]

Dear LocaChica,

In N Out has a secret menu, it consits of animal style burger (More sauce and onions), protein style(No bun the burger is wrapped in letuce), Flying Dutchman (only burger and cheese nothing else), Grilled Cheese(Sandwhich with everything escept the meat), 3x3, 4x4, and animal style fries.

-Secret

[locachica73]

Dear LocaChica,

In N Out has a secret menu, it consits of animal style burger (More sauce and onions), protein style(No bun the burger is wrapped in letuce), Flying Dutchman (only burger and cheese nothing else), Grilled Cheese(Sandwhich with everything escept the meat), 3x3, 4x4, and animal style fries.

-Secret

Dear Blinken,

Thank you very much for the information, here I have been sticking to the normal cheeseburger with light onions extra sauce and there were so many options I had not even explored. I will be making a stop soon in order to further my knowledge of the In-N-Out. I want me a Protien/Animal Style Burger with some Animal Style Fries now. Damnit.

Sincerely,
Hungry Chica

[amyzzz]

Allyjoy,
What, pray tell, is "spread?"

Eagerly awaiting your reply,
Onion & Cheese Lover

[TeamCoachellaHellYeah]

Dear Marco,
The lines were pretty bad, but other than that, I agree that the festival was well-organized. Kudos to bringing some coachella art and the Do Lab over to APW. And wow, I loved those arepas (corn cake with mozzarella cheese). :thu

Sincerely,
Amy

Dear Amy,

Like you I don't really drink at shows so it didn't bother me. My wife was bummed by it but was turned off by the 5 limit so we didn't bother. And was it just us or was the food there really effing good? Yes, those arepas were epic.

Marco

[allyjoy]

Allyjoy,
What, pray tell, is "spread?"

Eagerly awaiting your reply,
Onion & Cheese Lover

Dear In-n-out lovers:

Spread is sort of like thousand island dressing only it tastes good. I assume mayo, ketchup & relish (they never told us when I worked there)

Blink: you left out that the patty is mustard fried and they put pickles on the animal style burgers. Oh, and that burgers are not limited to 4x4... you could order (hypothetically speaking) a 100x100.

-In-N-Out Connoisseur

[MissingPerson]

The bar I go to regularly has something on their menu called Irish Nachos, pretty much the same thing, french fries covered in cheese and sauce of some sort.

...

How the hell is that Irish?

[Blinken]

fried potatoes = Irish

tortilla chips = mexican

[MissingPerson]

You guys know we didn't invent the potato, right?

And here, French Fries would be chips. So there.

[Blinken]

I know, I was just pointing out the thought behind "Irish Nachos" I never said it wasn't flawed.

[MissingPerson]

Fair enough.

...

They sound nice though. Still getting to grips with this Irish Car Bomb thing...

[shakermaker113]

...

How the hell is that Irish?

Dear MissingPerson,

It is american marketing. Call it Irish, and it'll immediately become more attractive to the US public. Stupid, but true.

Sincerely,

(E)

[Wheres the beef?]

Dear In-n-out lovers:

Spread is sort of like thousand island dressing only it tastes good. I assume mayo, ketchup & relish (they never told us when I worked there)

Blink: you left out that the patty is mustard fried and they put pickles on the animal style burgers. Oh, and that burgers are not limited to 4x4... you could order (hypothetically speaking) a 100x100.

-In-N-Out Connoisseur

Yeah 100x100 is possible but it costs like $160

[MissingPerson]

It is american marketing. Call it Irish, and it'll immediately become more attractive to the US public. Stupid, but true.

Sincerely,

(E)


Irish = Automatically More Attractive To Americans.

Duly noted.

[miscorrections]

You ought to know that. Certainly a good proportion of board females were hoping you were male and were mildly disappointed to find out you aren't.

[Young blood]

some were not disappointed.....


hubba hubba.

[locachica73]

irish accent = sexy

irish nachos... Not so much.

[fatbastard]

Irish nachos-Dubliner cheese, corned beef, potato chips, guinness drizzle.

[woogie846]

Dear Mall,

Why do you have to go and suck so bad all the time? I liked you much more when you were small and easy to navigate. But ever since you remodeled and added about 1000 more stores, I got lost about 4 times today in that labyrinth that you call a shopping complex. Oh, and by the way, thanks for not taking the security clip off my pants that only you have the tools to remove, and thanks for giving me 2 left feet when buying shoes. Because of this, I have to go back to you tomorrow, which is probably the last thing I want to do.

-Woogie

[allyjoy]

Dear Woogie,

Shop online. It's easier and you don't have to deal with people.

Sincerely,
Mall

[locachica73]

Dear Costco:

I love you, I love that I can get a whole giant ass 2 gallon bottle of crown for $35 and a giant ass 2 gallon bottle of Grey Goose for $45, they will make my upcoming trip more enjoyable. But honestly, who needs a 5 gallon bucket of mayo? Or a flat of green chilis? There is just some things that should not be sold in economy size. But good job on the economy sized booze because you can never have enough booze.

Sincerely:
Me

[greghead]

Dear Ralph's Produce Dept.,

Please cease being so janky with your strawberries. As far as I know they are in season, yet all of the moldy strawberries on your display would be snubbed by a starving grizzly, and are fit only to be fed to pedophiles and fans of Hell's Kitchen. Why is it that the blueberries grown in Oregon are fresher and juicier than the strawberries grown 65 miles away? This will not suffice; have some decency and a get a handle on your shit. Hire more field workers if you have to, just get me more strawberries. Thanks.

Greg

[locachica73]

Dear Greg:

Try Costco, you can get a whole flat of strawberrys that melt in your mouth and are the size of silver dollars. ohhhhhhhh so good.

Sincerely:
LocaChica

[Hannahrain]

Dear Greg,

The blueberries from Oregon are as such because of the strict quality control I maintain over all of my state's exports. I've individually hand-examined each one for imperfections, extracted a sample from each berry for ideal taste, and checked the color of each one next to the pantone swatch that a perfectly ripe blueberry should match.

It's me. It's all me.

Love, Hannah

[miscorrections]

Dear Costco:

I love you, I love that I can get a whole giant ass 2 gallon bottle of crown for $35 and a giant ass 2 gallon bottle of Grey Goose for $45, they will make my upcoming trip more enjoyable. But honestly, who needs a 5 gallon bucket of mayo? Or a flat of green chilis? There is just some things that should not be sold in economy size. But good job on the economy sized booze because you can never have enough booze.

Sincerely:
Me


Dear Loca,

Did you ever think that perhaps restaurants shop there? Also, maybe if you spent more time with your kids and less time getting trashed they would be better behaved. Just a thought.

Toodles,

Corinna

[sbessiso]

Dear miscorrections,

I know we haven't gotten along in the past but hear me out. No matter what unnecessary hatred you have for locachica, that's still pretty harsh. I thought when you bit my head off all those posts ago, you were having some sort of bad day, PMSing, maybe haven't feasted on any virgin blood or pure souls in a while. I guess I was wrong, you're a total bitch. Have a great day!

"Toodles?", (such a bitch)

Salah

[locachica73]

Dear Loca,

Did you ever think that perhaps restaurants shop there? Also, maybe if you spent more time with your kids and less time getting trashed they would be better behaved. Just a thought.

Toodles,

Corinna

Wow... until you walk a mile in someones shoes maybe you should refrain from judging them. It must suck to be so perfect and have to pass your oppinions down on people who have no need or desire for said oppinion.

[miscorrections]

Dear God,

Thanks for making me perfect. I love passing judgement on lesser people.

Your biggest fan,

Corinna

[locachica73]

Dear Corinna:

I refuse to get into a pissing match with a 12 year old on a message board. If I offend you so much I heard there is this neat ignore feature. Good luck in all your future endeavors.

Sincerely:
The lesser person

[miscorrections]

Dear Buttons,

You're so much fun to push!

Boop boop boop,

Corinna

[marooko]

Dear Miss C,

eh....


Marooko

[Young blood]

hahahahaha drunk mom.

[marooko]

hahahah disgruntled members.

[miscorrections]

Dear J,

I knew I could count on you.

Cordially yours,

Corinna

[fatbastard]

Dear Greg,

The blueberries from Oregon are as such because of the strict quality control I maintain over all of my state's exports. I've individually hand-examined each one for imperfections, extracted a sample from each berry for ideal taste, and checked the color of each one next to the pantone swatch that a perfectly ripe blueberry should match.

It's me. It's all me.

Love, Hannah

:-)

[amyzzz]

Dear in-and-out afficianados,
Can I get fries animal style without that spread? *shudder*

Thank you!
Amy

p.s. here we go again with corinna....someone give that girl some candy or beer.

[Young blood]

Dear J,

I knew I could count on you.

Cordially yours,

Corinna

The truth is funny.

[allyjoy]

Dear in-and-out afficianados,
Can I get fries animal style without that spread? *shudder*

Thank you!
Amy

p.s. here we go again with corinna....someone give that girl some candy or beer.

of course you can... just say no spread. they're really good about giving you your order how you want it.

[MissingPerson]

You ought to know that. Certainly a good proportion of board females were hoping you were male and were mildly disappointed to find out you aren't.

Yeah, I get that a lot. I must have a very manly internet voice. Still though, only the internet anyway, feel free to imagine me as a ruggedly handsome gentleman with a twinkle in his eye, and wild crazy fire in his bruised-but-romantic heart. Go nuts, if it brightens up your internet day.

[Hannahrain]

Dear Self,

Stop waking up so goddamn early. I mean it.

Aggravated,
Hannah

---------

Dear General Public,

Get out of my WAY. Damnit.

Trying,
Hannah

---------

Dear Mess,

Please go away on your own. You can do that, right? And while we're on the subject, Dear Lunch, please make yourself.

Lazy,
Hannah

---------

Dear Yahoo!,

I'm absolutely amazed at your constant tendency to take what is essentially akin to a Boyd's Factoid, stretch it into an article, and put a teaser on your main page that links to an entire article full of meaningless swill to back it up. Imagine my consternation when I recently(ish) read the heading, "Heath Ledger unlikely to win an Oscar in 2008" with the link underneath that said ">>Here's why". We all already know why, Yahoo. It's because he's dead. So very, very dead. That's not a headline. You know that.

I mean come ON,
Hannah

[boarderwoozel3]

Dear Sun,

You're forecasted to blast the shit out of the Northwest for the next few days. Like many people in this area I don't have a/c and my apartment faces you during the hottest point in the day. Take it easy on me will you, it gets fucking hot in here.

Make it happen,
Me

[marooko]

Dear co-worker,

I don't like you and you don't like me, I'm ok with that, we just need to work together, that's it. For some reason you don't seem able to do that, you wanna make and take everything personal(ly). I try really hard to be respectful, yes, I am an asshole sometimes, but you push me. I'm close to the edge, you're gonna hear it from me soon and it's not gonna be pretty. It might be today, you know, with that package and all that we got to get out. Hey, it's after 8 and you're not here, maybe tomorrow. :)


marooko

[shakermaker113]

dear Hannah,

I sympathize with your laziness. thank you for sharing.

(E)

[locachica73]

Dear Work:

I leave on vacation in 17 hours, if you expect me to do any actual work while I am here for the next 3 hours then you are going to be dissapointed. I am going to be checking weather.com, citysearch.com, coachella.com and any other .com I can think of that will keep me from having to do anything other then plan out all my fun in my head. I am currently making packing lists, making lists of songs I want to burn onto discs, and trying to figure out where I am sending my dog while I am gone. If you need me, come find me monday.

Sincerely,
The Slacker

[boarderwoozel3]

Dear Sun,

You're forecasted to blast the shit out of the Northwest for the next few days. Like many people in this area I don't have a/c and my apartment faces you during the hottest point in the day. Take it easy on me will you, it gets fucking hot in here.

Make it happen,
Me

Sun,

You tried to fuck my system up anyway but failed. I was able to soak up some of your rays, escape you for and extended happy our and then use your sorry ass as an excuse to BBQ!

I won,
Me

[shakermaker113]

dear me,

please stop sleeping in. it's bad enough on a week day when you accidentally fall asleep for another hour and I'm left rushing to make the last express train. but when you cause me to miss my flight, it's a real fucking pain. it's embarassing to tell my coworkers I'm not going to be able to make the kick-off meeting this afternoon, and to go to my employer and ask if I can expense the $444.50 those 2.5 hours sleep have cost me.

fuck you. learn to wake up. it's not that difficult.

(E)

[BROKENDOLL]

Dear Secure Horizons Healthcare, Granted, my job doesn't provide healthcare insurance over the summer months that I am off from work, so any special offer I get in the mail for a health insurance plan is worth checking out. Now, granted, there are days that I move alittle slower than usual and my bones may crack here and there. Then, there are those days where I just feel irregular and forget shit. But, is it absolutely necessary for you guys to jump the gun and rush things by sending me your imformative pamphlet 15 years in advance of my elegibility for this care? I mean, c'mon, I may be senile, but I'm not elderly yet! Thank You and Try Again in 2022 The Broken, but not old Doll

[bmack86]

Dear Woogie,

Shop online. It's easier and you don't have to deal with people.

Sincerely,
Mall

Dear Allyjoy,

Trying on pants through the internet can be quite taxing. Same with trying on shoes. And it's good to get out of the house.

Sincerely,
God

----------------------

Dear Taxi Cab driver,

I hope that you didn't steal my cellphone. The last time I saw it was when I put it in my pocket in your cab. I think it fell out, but nobody is answering it. I really hope that you are nice and still have it. Please?

Sincerely,
Bryan

---------------------

Dear Fan,

Stop squeaking. You already get enough attention.

Bryan

---------------------

Dear In-N-Out,

Please deliver. I'm hungry but I don't want to leave until I have news on my cell phone. I hope you understand.

Bryan

[Cpt. Funkaho]

Dear In-N-Out,

Please deliver. I'm hungry but I don't want to leave until I have news on my cell phone. I hope you understand.

Bryan

Dear Brian,


It's good to get out of the house.

Sincerely,
God

I had to.

[bmack86]

Dear God,

Please note. BrYan. BrIan is a quitter's way out.

Bryan

[BROKENDOLL]

Dear Brian,



I had to. You beat me to it!

[locachica73]

To My Boss:

I understand that it costs extra money to have a set of plans copied in color instead of black and white. But to not spend the extra money and then have me go through page by page and highlight any notes that you wanted in color from the original is kind of stupid. But if you want to pay me my salary to color all day who am I to complain. But for the record you could have gotten the color copies made cheaper then what you are paying me to color them for you. Just so you know.

Sincerely,
The colorer

[ShyGuy75]

Dear Radiohead,
Even though I live only a mile from the Hollywood Bowl, you can't stop me from going! How you do like them apples?!? I know you lurk.

Sincerely,

My car

[chairmenmeow47]

Dear Radiohead,
Even though I live only a mile from the Hollywood Bowl, you can't stop me from going! How you do like them apples?!? I know you lurk.

Sincerely,

My car

dear shy guy,

glad to hear you aren't letting the man get you down as i am excited to meet you.

sincerely,

--chairmenmeow47 :)

[TeamCoachellaHellYeah]

Dear DNC NY and California delegates,

please don't make my life a living hell in the next week. I have already started getting your calls for special requests and I hope you understand that my hotel with my filled and I won't have room to grant all your requests. I really hope everything goes smooth.

Marco

[locachica73]

Deer chinese delivery guy:

I am fucking starving, hurry the hell up. Please and thank you.

me.

[TeamCoachellaHellYeah]

Dear Radiohead,
Even though I live only a mile from the Hollywood Bowl, you can't stop me from going! How you do like them apples?!? I know you lurk.

Sincerely,

My car

to ad to this.

Dear Radiohead,

I am still pissed off you skipped Red Rocks. You could have at least given us a explanation. Too small? SB Bowl is smaller. Too far from the city? The Blossom is 30 effing miles away from Cleveland. Oh well, I did fly to see you guys at APW. Would have been cheaper with less emissions if you just came here.

Marco

[atom heart]

Dear TeamCHY,

While I have no login to WASTE, I'm sure there is a way of complaining formally about Red Rocks. If not something so specific, there's probably a survey of what transportation was used to get your body to a show. Maybe if enough Southwesterners complain they'll step into the area (there are a lot of South Americans still lobbying).

REL

Dear Laika,

You are pretty awesome. Unlike other studios you didn't have that axe-wielding dwarf style. I'm looking at you, Rhythm and Hues. And Gnommon, but you're a school and with a name like that there's no way of escaping the battle axe. Also kudos to the Mill for looking professional even if your work really doesn't (maybe I'm too harsh...) Anyway, back to Laika, you make me want to paint models for you.

REL

[chairmenmeow47]

dear teleconference attendees:

you attend this every month. it's required. it's in the same format as every other teleconference in this company. so why then is it SO difficult to remember to MUTE YOUR EFFING LINE! seriously. at the top of the agenda in big, bold, red letters it instructs you on how to mute your line!!! is it REALLY that difficult to comprehend that if you're on the phone, talking & typing at your desk the other people on the line might be able to hear?

we've also told you about 80 thousand times NOT to put the call on HOLD. no one wants to hear that stupid hold music. and it's a teleconference, you can just call back when you can.

seriously people. BE CONSIDERATE!!!

sincerely,

--one pissed off project manager

[allyjoy]

Dear Coworker:

I know that your West Hollywood mentality of being partially famous for your daddy porn has put you in a position of being the center of attention in certain circles, but your vanity has gotten out of hand. When my friends and I are in the middle of a conversation regarding world issues and you chime in about something completely off topic and vapid, we don't care. I think that the history of how Los Angeles has changed over the last fifty years and hollywood starlettes of yesteryear can be interesting, but not when you're interjecting into my conversation with someone else about something I find thoroughly engaging. If you cannot contribute to the topic, you don't get to change the topic so we have to include you. It's silly that you would presume that you were invited to speak with us in the first place. Sweetheart, I love you... I really do. But for someone as pretty as you are, you're equally as unaware. Next time you want to be the center of attention, go face fuck an 18 year old boy and leave the speaking to the professionals.

:pulse ,
a friend who doesn't want to speak to you for at least a week

[locachica73]

To Me:

Go home and get some fucking sleep. If he calls tonight to see if you want to come over and "hang out" say no. Another night of partying till 3 am and then going to work at 8 is going to kill you. You are not 18 anymore. You are old and you need sleep. Turn off the phone, lights, computer, tv and just do it. For fuck sakes already, it is not healthy to be this tired and going into the womens room to take a 20 minute power nap while at work is just pathetic.

Sincerely,
The normal side of your brain

[bluemamba]

To Me:

Go home and get some fucking sleep. If he calls tonight to see if you want to come over and "hang out" say no. Another night of partying till 3 am and then going to work at 8 is going to kill you. You are not 18 anymore. You are old and you need sleep. Turn off the phone, lights, computer, tv and just do it. For fuck sakes already, it is not healthy to be this tired and going into the womens room to take a 20 minute power nap while at work is just pathetic.

Sincerely,
The normal side of your brain

Lol !! your a trooper. That is unheard of.

[SoulDischarge]

Dear Microsoft & Gateway and all subsidiaries, partner companies, founders, investors, CEOs, employees thereof, and relatives, friends, neighbors, and pets of the aforementioned:

Get cancer and get fucked.

Bitterly yours,
Patrick.

[locachica73]

ugh, its horrible. but getting caught sleeping at my desk may very likely get me fired so the girls room is my next best bet. If it weren't 180 degrees outside I would sleep in my car instead.

[amyzzz]

Dear loca,
I hear ya. Lately when I pull all-nighters, half the time I end up with a cold and/or an ear infection a week later, and I'm sure it's not good for my complexion either. Ah, to be 10 years younger so I can party harder.

Regretfully,
Amy

[locachica73]

Dear Amy:

Yeah and calling in hungover is a bit different now then when I worked at arby's making minimum wage. I really need to grow the fuck up. Or become wealthy so i can afford my stupid ways. lol

Sincerely
Buzzed ass loca

[chairmenmeow47]

dear bitches in the bathroom,

when there are only two sinks and more than two of us need to use the sinks, that means it's time to get quick and get polite. if i'm just standing there WAITING FOR YOU TO FINISH WASHING YOUR FUCKING HANDS SO I CAN TOO and you then stop to fix your hair, wipe down the counters, ect, you're a fucking cunt. move to the side or move back if you just want to do your hair. some of us actually JUST need to wash our hands and gtfo! have some fucking decency!!!!

sincerely,

--one pissed off pisser patron!

[locachica73]

Dear elevator guy:

Pull up your damn pants or stop bending over. I am not interested in seeing your hairy ass crack. If you keep it up I am going to start flippin quarters in that damn thing. And shave that shit for fuck sakes.

Sincerely:
The sweaty sunburnt chick

p.s. It's 2 pm, get the fuck out of here so i can go home.

[MissingPerson]

Dear Assholes (General)

It costs you nothing to be a bit nicer, you stupid dicks. Or even just less aggressively obnoxious, that'd be cool.

What the fuck is your problem? I hope you get some sort of fungus, I really do. Weird fungus, in a very visible area. And a smell: I want you to have a weird smell that's as unpleasant as it is unidentifiable, and I want you to spend your whole lives wondering if other people can smell it too. I wish those things on you.

Maybe you've already got both: maybe that's why you are the way you are. I hope so.


Yours,
J.