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View Full Version : help me ROAST someone 2nite



bug on your lip
07-03-2010, 09:27 AM
ok.. i was signed up for a roast of someone... throw some funny my way

profile of person:
turning 40
bad hip, limps
just broke up with his gf because he "wasn't feeling it"
messy, never cleans
loves John Cougar Mellancamp
lived in NYC
has done stand-up in NYC & on radio despite not being funny in the least
has 2 teenagers who both wear all black emo/goth style
has dentures
has no style whatsoever
works for HP, fixing printers & servers
every meal is beer & pizza
has recorded about 6 albums
trys to sing like Eddie Vedder
once was on a streak where he was fired from like 20+ jobs in 5 years
Once fired because of sexual harassment

damn, that's enough

MissingPerson
07-03-2010, 09:42 AM
just broke up with his gf because he "wasn't feeling it"
Once fired because of sexual harassment


I feel like this has potential.

bug on your lip
07-03-2010, 09:48 AM
the backstory was he overheard a girl at her work talking about her "knockers"...
afterwards he started asking her what the word "knockers" meant..
this went on for weeks.. he was e-mailing her asking if she could show him these "knockers" so he could see what they were

and..oh yeah.. he was her supervisor

bug on your lip
07-03-2010, 09:50 AM
my 1st joke:

roasting Rob isn't just like shooting fish in a fishtank
it's like shooting a fukking whale shark in a shotglass

PotVsKtl
07-03-2010, 09:52 AM
Barrel.

captncrzy
07-03-2010, 09:52 AM
I'm trying to wrap in the breaking up with a girl, limping, and dentures. When is this roast?

Hannahrain
07-03-2010, 10:02 AM
I always feel a little weird at a roast completely overlooking the successes of my friends to highlight their shortcomings, which is why this evening is such a welcome, comfortable respite for me.

bug on your lip
07-03-2010, 10:04 AM
Barrel.


fukk.. right

thanks for the catch Potty

bug on your lip
07-03-2010, 10:06 AM
2nd joke:

Rob has dentures and is going to get a hip replacement soon.
He is like a Six Million Dollar Man who got change back.

bug on your lip
07-03-2010, 10:09 AM
3rd joke:

Here's a fun fact: More wildlife has perished in Rob's bathroom year to date than in the British Petroleum oil spill

zenidogx
07-03-2010, 10:33 AM
Hmm...


my 1st joke:

roasting Rob isn't just like shooting fish in a fishtank
it's like shooting a fukking whale shark in a shotglass


3rd joke:

Here's a fun fact: More wildlife has perished in Rob's bathroom year to date than in the British Petroleum oil spill

Roasting Rob isn't like shooting fish in a barrel, it's more like dumping oil in the barrel.

TomAz
07-03-2010, 10:36 AM
You need to weave in snippets from these (or similar) lyrics throughout your speech. In a, you know, subtly mocking way. in between your 'jokes'.

When I was a young boy,
Said put away those young boy ways
Now that I'm gettin' older, so much older
I love all those young boy days.
With a girl like you,
With a girl like you,
Lord knows there are things we can do, baby,
Just me and you.
Come on and make it

CHORUS:
Hurt so good.
Come on baby, make it hurt so good.
Sometimes love don't feel like it should.
You make it hurt so good.

Don't have to be so exciting.
Just tryin' to give myself a little bit of fun, yeah.
You always look so invitin'
You ain't as green as you are young
Hey baby, its you.
Come on, girl, now, its you.
Sink your teeth right through my bones, baby.
Let's see what we can do.
Come on and make it

Chorus

I ain't talkin' no big deals
I ain't made no plans myself.
I ain't talkin' no high heels
Maybe we could walk around all day long,
walk around all day long.

Chorus x2

betao
07-03-2010, 10:39 AM
How "mean" are you allowed to be? I'm assuming everything goes, based on the qualities you've listed.

Blinken
07-03-2010, 10:57 AM
"It really is too bad that you can't get fired from the music business for sexual harassment. It would have saved our ears from a lot of bleeding, and your kids probably wouldn't have turned all goth on us."

J~$$$$
07-03-2010, 11:02 AM
Something about rob being so hungry and sounding like Eddie vedder, ie rob does a better sounding vedder humming "I'm going hungry" while gumming a tranny in a bus station bathroom just to get pizza and beer because he cant hold down a job.

fiyahhh!
07-03-2010, 11:28 AM
Rob loses jobs like he loses teeth.

JustSteve
07-03-2010, 01:18 PM
just broke up with his gf because he "wasn't feeling it"
messy, never cleans

maybe girlfriend actually broke up with him because she "wasn't feeling it"...due to his tootsie roll dick.

captncrzy
07-03-2010, 01:25 PM
Rob loses jobs like he loses teeth.

haahaaaa

hawkingvsreeve
07-03-2010, 01:34 PM
Rob will be turning 40 soon, which is about the same number of jobs he's lost in the past three months.

Rob has recorded about 6 albums now, and with influences like JCM and Eddie Vedder I'd rather listen to Heller Keller being eaten alive by a pack of wolves while singing Michael Bolton's entire discography.

Rob used to dream of marrying a girl named Diane and buying a little pink house together. Now he's changing little pink ink cartridges.

digitaldragon03
07-03-2010, 01:49 PM
I am currently fucking Rob's ex girlfriend. Now im "feeling it".

fiyahhh!
07-03-2010, 02:27 PM
One day Rob came up to me and said "Bug, I just don't get my kids lately. I asked them why they dress the way the do and they said it's emo style dad. What does that word even mean?" So I started to explaing emo to him and he says "no, that second word that starts with an s". Oh, you mean style???


Rob works at HP. When he applied he thought HP stood for hot pizza.

Somewhat Damaged
07-03-2010, 02:40 PM
Too bad Randy's banned. This thread calls for his particular talent.

bug on your lip
07-03-2010, 03:24 PM
OK..

Using these so far

MORRRR MORRRRR !!!


Rob loses jobs like he loses teeth.



Rob used to dream of marrying a girl named Diane and buying a little pink house together. Now he's changing little pink ink cartridges.




Rob works at HP. When he applied he thought HP stood for hot pizza.


remember that Office episode where Michael wants a roast of himself, then he gets all butthurt about it once the jabs start flying?..
that's exactly what will happen 2nite..

Rob is asking comedians and other people to roast him.. but he will end up losing it & will probably end up breaking things in the bar

it's going to be awesome

Alchemy
07-03-2010, 03:32 PM
Have you guys seen Rob's kids? They're dressed unfortunate, sure, but when they're standing next to Rob, it's like they're dressed up for a night at the Oscars.

Rob had his teeth and hip replaced so we probably should't get too attached to him. After 40 years of beer and pizza every day, we'll probably have to get the rest of him replaced soon.

bug on your lip
07-03-2010, 03:36 PM
Have you guys seen Rob's kids? They're dressed unfortunate, sure, but when they're standing next to Rob, it's like they're dressed up for a night at the Oscars.


<3 this one

other one kinda has an awkward delivery to it

buddy
07-03-2010, 03:38 PM
Rob has two kids who dress emo and goth. If Rob was my dad, I'd fuckin' hate life too.

bug on your lip
07-03-2010, 03:40 PM
another joke i thought of this afternoon:

We have a couple of Rob's ex's in the house... can we all take a moment and applaud them? (get people to clap).. i mean the bravery... to see rob naked... it's amazing they didn't lose their will to live & could still join us tonight..

But actually seeing Rob naked did have side effects.. both of these fine ladies lost their sense of sight, their sense of taste, their sense of smell, they joined a convent and became lesbians.

bug on your lip
07-03-2010, 03:43 PM
another:

Rob had his little radio show called "Rob wonders why" where he mused about various topics then laugh at his own jokes..
it was torturous to listen to. Darfur is funnier than "Rob Wonders Why"

buddy
07-03-2010, 03:46 PM
Rob is actually a pretty creative guy. He's been a stand-up comedian in New York, and a musician who has recorded six albums. Unfortunately, Rob's gotten more laughs from his albums than he ever did as a stand-up comic.

TheScenestar
07-03-2010, 03:47 PM
/v/PSEYXWmEse8&amp;hl=en_US&amp;fs=1

bug on your lip
07-03-2010, 04:18 PM
Rob is actually a pretty creative guy. He's been a stand-up comedian in New York, and a musician who has recorded six albums. Unfortunately, Rob's gotten more laughs from his albums than he ever did as a stand-up comic.

YES!

solid

faxman75
07-03-2010, 09:13 PM
Rob thinks he is young enough to be able to score with a cougar, the only cougar Rob has a chance with is his idol John Cougar. err somethin' needs tweaking.

Son of MJK
07-03-2010, 10:01 PM
Looks like the girl you sexually harassed is here tonight, after hearing this Roast tonight, out of pity for you and your Life, she would like to show you her 'knockers' now.

'Rob doesnt know what Knockers are, and he lost another job..'-eddie vedder voice in harmony with 'Jeremy'

So Rob's kids hate him and dress all in black. To spite them: he's a slob, refuses to brush his teeth, eat healthy, dress himself beyond what he wore the day before, or maintain employment beyond the first check. Way to go Rob, we can see who really are the parental figures in your household.

The last woman you were with had to endure all that has been stated tonight, yet you broke it off because you were not 'feeling it.' Not feeling it Rob, wtf were you watching Dr Phil during your stretches of unemployment!?! Are you feeling it now that it is in your hand every night instead of almost being able to insert in her? Good luck with looking forward to changing hand lotions instead of seeing different lip glosses/lipsticks.

Did she not let you feel her Knockers, Rob? Was that the feeling that was alluding you?

Still-ill
07-04-2010, 01:49 AM
/v/PSEYXWmEse8&amp;hl=en_US&amp;fs=1

thanks

captncrzy
07-04-2010, 09:16 AM
Looks like the girl you sexually harassed is here tonight, after hearing this Roast tonight, out of pity for you and your Life, she would like to show you her 'knockers' now.

'Rob doesnt know what Knockers are, and he lost another job..'-eddie vedder voice in harmony with 'Jeremy'

So Rob's kids hate him and dress all in black. To spite them: he's a slob, refuses to brush his teeth, eat healthy, dress himself beyond what he wore the day before, or maintain employment beyond the first check. Way to go Rob, we can see who really are the parental figures in your household.

The last woman you were with had to endure all that has been stated tonight, yet you broke it off because you were not 'feeling it.' Not feeling it Rob, wtf were you watching Dr Phil during your stretches of unemployment!?! Are you feeling it now that it is in your hand every night instead of almost being able to insert in her? Good luck with looking forward to changing hand lotions instead of seeing different lip glosses/lipsticks.

Did she not let you feel her Knockers, Rob? Was that the feeling that was alluding you?

Brokendoll?

bug on your lip
07-05-2010, 08:57 PM
thanks for all the juice mad peeps

i used all the jokes i said i would
and they all hit except hawkingvsreeve's pink cartridges one...which got just a couple muted chuckles from the back.. might not even been chuckles, could have been gas

hawkingvsreeve
07-05-2010, 09:04 PM
They didn't get it, obviously.