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View Full Version : Post Your Hypothetical Suicide Note



SoulDischarge
02-27-2010, 04:12 PM
Let's assume you've decided to take your own life within the next 24 hours. What would your suicide note read?

TomAz
02-27-2010, 04:13 PM
You ok Patrick?

fatbastard
02-27-2010, 04:13 PM
People of the planet earth...

SoulDischarge
02-27-2010, 04:18 PM
You ok Patrick?

I won't be if someone doesn't post something at least mildly interesting quick.

jimmycrackcorn
02-27-2010, 04:20 PM
burn my body...
you can keep my stuff...
:poo

feather
02-27-2010, 04:21 PM
Patrick this plus your fb status has me concerned...

gaypalmsprings
02-27-2010, 04:21 PM
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_qYodaIKtd_Q/RbY7Rr52m-I/AAAAAAAAA0w/q-H90t2A5vU/s400/CuriosityKilledCat.gif

Suffacated
02-27-2010, 04:22 PM
Dear Pat....
I'm sorry for posting someones personal information earlier.
Bing is partially to blame but I'll take responsibility for my actions.
Sorry.

Now quit spending so much time being ghey and go find a yourself a job.

fatbastard
02-27-2010, 04:25 PM
Dear people of the planet earth.

I lost my job and my home. My heart is filled with love, but this world does not care. It only cares about parking tickets, warrants, and community service.

I am donating my CDs to the local library on the other side of town, because that's where I stole them from . The library in my town didn't have shit to check out.

Please ask the AME church to come out and sing Purple Rain at my burial and keep my coffin closed. I'm not much of a morning person; I can only imagine what I would look like dead.

SoulDischarge
02-27-2010, 04:27 PM
Patrick this plus your fb status has me concerned...

Seriously. I'm ok. I'm a bit depressed because my job search is going really terribly and it could mean no Coachella and no more Chicago, but I'm not going to do anything stupid. Sorry if this came off as a "cry for help" or something. Just in a morbid mood and was curious what kind of results this would get.

SoulDischarge
02-27-2010, 04:28 PM
Please ask the AME church to come out and sing Purple Rain at my burial and keep my coffin closed. I'm not much of a morning person; I can only imagine what I would look like dead.

Prince would sue your corpse.

gaypalmsprings
02-27-2010, 04:29 PM
Seriously. I'm ok. I'm a bit depressed because my job search is going really terribly and it could mean no Coachella and no more Chicago, but I'm not going to do anything stupid. Sorry if this came off as a "cry for help" or something. Just in a morbid mood and was curious what kind of results this would get.

Wait, wut? You are in Chicago? I thought you were in NYC.

SoulDischarge
02-27-2010, 04:31 PM
Chicago. No way in hell I would even attempt to make it somewhere as expensive as NYC right now.

Monklish
02-27-2010, 04:33 PM
Cut your fucking hair and shave. There. Job.

SoulDischarge
02-27-2010, 04:37 PM
I don't even get far enough for that shit to disqualify me. I've had exactly one interview in the past year (at a call center where long hair and a beard don't matter anyway) and almost everywhere I've applied has been online. I'm not turning this into another thread where I bitch about my unemployment though. Start telling your friends and families how it was all their fault already.

Monklish
02-27-2010, 04:38 PM
It always matters. Nobody wants to hire a big fat creepy longhair queer. A big fat queer on the other hand is kinda fun to have around.

SoulDischarge
02-27-2010, 04:40 PM
I would take that into consideration if I ever saw anyone face to face, but I never even get that far. The problem isn't hair right now, it's lack of experience in an overflooded job market.

Monklish
02-27-2010, 04:41 PM
Have you tried sex shops? They'll generally hire anybody.

SoulDischarge
02-27-2010, 04:42 PM
I'll look into it.

fatbastard
02-27-2010, 04:42 PM
That would be like me getting a job at a restaurant.

gaypalmsprings
02-27-2010, 04:53 PM
That would be like me getting at job at Gay-Mart.

SoulDischarge
02-27-2010, 04:57 PM
vcS17lqphXQ

Monklish
02-27-2010, 04:59 PM
Oh god, Voltaire. That brings back some memories of assholes.

Ujzp9ffPwPM

SoulDischarge
02-27-2010, 05:00 PM
Cabaret Voltaire. Two compleeeeetely different entities.

juloxx
02-27-2010, 05:12 PM
The Coachella forums made me do it

portisheadgrl88
02-27-2010, 05:31 PM
Burn me and scatter my ashes somewhere pretty...

Alchemy
02-27-2010, 06:00 PM
I have taken my own life...

But on the next full moon, I shall rise again! Stronger and more sinister than before!

- Alchemy

P.S. - Crispin and Andrew, you guys can flip a coin for my metrocard. I just got a new one yesterday - 30-day unlimited for $89. Can you believe that shit costs $89? It kills me! Or, if you prefer, one of you can use it for 15 days, and then hand it off to the other for the remaining 15 days. Though... I think there are only 29 days on it now. 28 days tomorrow? Well, however you divide it up, you'll still need to flip a coin to figure out who gets to use it first. A quarter should suffice. I also have a Subway card, if one of you wants that. I mean Subway as in the sandwich place, naturally. It has $0 balance, but it does have 12 points on it, which might be enough for a bag of chips or a cookie. Of course, you may choose to continue earning points, which may result in a free sandwich eventually. Should the both of you want this card, you must flip for it. Best out of three, Official New England Coin Rules. If neither of you want it, then just leave it in my wallet - I may require it later. You know what... just leave the Subway card, but take the metrocard (it expires).

gaypalmsprings
02-27-2010, 06:17 PM
http://mentalfloss.cachefly.net/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/CrazyObit.jpg

PotVsKtl
02-27-2010, 06:39 PM
Shut the fuck up Amy.

JewFace
03-01-2010, 03:20 AM
That's a great find, GPS!! My note...


Dear Crispin,

I don't deal with conflict very well. Rather than argue with you over the ownership of Alchemy's Metrocard, I'm going to kill myself to avoid the inevitable legal battle. Please note that you had everything to do with this decision. I am enclosing my family members' addresses and several pre-stamped envelopes so that you may personally apologize to each of them in writing. I hope the stationary I picked out is to your liking.

Kind Regards,
Andrew

TeamCoachellaHellYeah
03-01-2010, 04:08 AM
Pot wins this thread.

TeamCoachellaHellYeah
03-01-2010, 04:12 AM
I would take that into consideration if I ever saw anyone face to face, but I never even get that far. The problem isn't hair right now, it's lack of experience in an overflooded job market.

have you ever thought Whole Foods? Weirdly enough my best friend moved to Chicago and landed a job as a supervisor at a location in the area. PM me if you're interested.

SoulDischarge
03-01-2010, 07:21 AM
I did apply there but the position ended up being filled by someone else. I have to say they were the most pleasant company to apply for online that I came across. No personality test, just a simple, straight, quick application and they sent me and email letting me know that the position had been filled.

fatbastard
03-01-2010, 07:26 AM
How long will Whole Foods keep your application?

M Sparks
03-01-2010, 07:36 AM
I've had exactly one interview in the past year (at a call center where long hair and a beard don't matter anyway)

My wife is a manager at a call center. They still want professional looking people, even though they are on the phone. Once you're in they aren't too picky, but they want to know you take the job hunt seriously.

SoulDischarge
03-01-2010, 07:38 AM
Well I trimmed my beard really short and showered and tied my hair back and dressed up for the interview so I didn't go in looking like Charles Manson. They were interested enough for me to make it to the second part of the interview process while they let several other people leave.

M Sparks
03-01-2010, 08:17 AM
Yeah, that should be good enough. They just want to see you made an effort and that you take it seriously.

I was once interviewing a guy and I had to follow all these corporate bullshit questions. I said "Tell me about a time when you had to make friends with people quickly in an unfamiliar environment."

"Well, I was in this titty bar in Mexico..."

"OK, well, thanks for coming in."

marooko
03-01-2010, 08:19 AM
To whom it may concern,

I sat down to write a suicide note. As I thought about what I wanted to write, why, and the reasons for taking my own life, I learned something about myself. I am angry, I'm depressed and all that good stuff that usually resides in the thoughts of a suicidal person. But I found that the thought of taking my own life, didn't give me any feeling of accomplishment. I found that it was myself that I was mad at, depressed about, etc. It was you.

So when you're wondering why I decided to take all those lives, not give up and go out shooting; remember, it was because of you. I was sick and tired of you, all of you, not me. So why on Earth would I take my own life?


Seriously,
Mario

The note itself wasn't really thought out, but everything else was. A long time ago. I would NOT, for any typical reason, commit suicide. I really would take as many of you out as I could until I was taken out myself. :) Well, maybe not some of you reading this....well, that have an account, anyway. :).

bmack86
03-01-2010, 08:48 AM
Dear world,

I figured the ultimate way to get back at you would be to deprive you of this sweet ass. And don't go necro on it, that shit's gross.

Dip my body in gold plating and display it prominently on the White House lawn. That's where it belongs.

Yours,
Bryan

TomAz
03-01-2010, 09:11 AM
this thread would be far more interesting if we took the word 'hypothetical' away.

miscorrections
03-01-2010, 09:12 AM
I'm sure PTA's was a masterpiece.

J~$$$$
03-01-2010, 09:22 AM
To whom it may concern,

I sat down to write a suicide note. As I thought about what I wanted to write, why, and the reasons for taking my own life, I learned something about myself. I am angry, I'm depressed and all that good stuff that usually resides in the thoughts of a suicidal person. But I found that the thought of taking my own life, didn't give me any feeling of accomplishment. I found that it was myself that I was mad at, depressed about, etc. It was you.

So when you're wondering why I decided to take all those lives, not give up and go out shooting; remember, it was because of you. I was sick and tired of you, all of you, not me. So why on Earth would I take my own life?


Seriously,
Mario

The note itself wasn't really thought out, but everything else was. A long time ago. I would NOT, for any typical reason, commit suicide. I really would take as many of you out as I could until I was taken out myself. :) Well, maybe not some of you reading this....well, that have an account, anyway. :).
I would love to be the person to take down markaroo.

schoolofruckus
03-01-2010, 09:30 AM
I'm sure PTA's was a masterpiece.

I don't know about that, but I'd bet everything I own it began with "I'd like to thank the Academy..."

SoulDischarge
03-01-2010, 09:32 AM
Actually, this will be far more entertaining if you post other people's hypothetical suicide notes.

marooko
03-01-2010, 09:37 AM
Alchemy,

Rough draft a "suicide" note for that guy with your license plate. I'll probably be around your neck of the woods in Oct. I'll bring my rough draft, we can finalize it and begin laying out our plan.


Marooko

psycobetabuckdown
03-01-2010, 09:54 AM
I never thought I'd die alone
another six months I'll be unknown
give all my things to all my friends
you'll never step foot in my room again
you'll close it off, board it up
remember the time that I spilled the cup
of apple juice in the hall
please tell mom this is not her fault

- Adam

TeamCoachellaHellYeah
03-01-2010, 10:32 AM
I did apply there but the position ended up being filled by someone else. I have to say they were the most pleasant company to apply for online that I came across. No personality test, just a simple, straight, quick application and they sent me and email letting me know that the position had been filled.

I can "squeeze" you back in if you want. just PM me.

Monklish
03-01-2010, 10:41 AM
Elliott Smith's ghost did this.

Cheddar's Cousin
03-01-2010, 03:37 PM
If you're reading this, I'm already de

Pixiessp
03-01-2010, 03:40 PM
If you're reading this, I'm already de

Not till after March Madness, you silly fella.

Neighborhood Creep
03-01-2010, 03:48 PM
will somebody rape my dead body then set me on fire?

SoulDischarge
06-06-2013, 07:49 AM
This thread got me a job. What the fuck?

amma_sol
06-06-2013, 07:58 AM
YAYYY!!!

amma_sol
06-06-2013, 08:01 AM
I graduated in 2011 and for the first year after, ACTIVELY looked for a full time job. Spent all my money, had to leave the Bay Area, and cried a lot. For the past year I have been working at a restaurant and saving up money to give it another go but in LA this time. Hopefully I don't fall on my face again.

Godspeed
06-06-2013, 08:18 AM
This thread got me a job. What the fuck?
lol wut

Godspeed
06-06-2013, 08:20 AM
I graduated in 2011 and for the first year after, ACTIVELY looked for a full time job. Spent all my money, had to leave the Bay Area, and cried a lot. For the past year I have been working at a restaurant and saving up money to give it another go but in LA this time. Hopefully I don't fall on my face again.

LOFL I graduated in 2011 too. Couldn't find a "good job" for shit. Moved to LA for dat OPPORTUNITY, didn't find it, moved back to SD, and found a decent job. Then got offered an awesome job in AZ (where I went to UG) and moved here. Can't wait to move back to San Diego, though.

Godspeed
06-06-2013, 08:44 AM
Oh, so suicide note:

Dear World,

It was good to be me.

See you never.

Godspeed

amma_sol
06-06-2013, 08:50 AM
LOFL I graduated in 2011 too. Couldn't find a "good job" for shit. Moved to LA for dat OPPORTUNITY, didn't find it, moved back to SD, and found a decent job. Then got offered an awesome job in AZ (where I went to UG) and moved here. Can't wait to move back to San Diego, though.

Ya I guess I can't really complain... I got an extra year in Santa Barbara. But nooo Arizona. My brother moved there cuz he couldn't find a job. He hated it. My parent's own a house in Tucson. It's beautiful but I would never want to live there. And I want to work in entertainment so moving out of California wouldn't make sense. Hoping to find a job in concert promo/production but I will probably first find a job as a PA on a TV show or in radio because that's what I have the most experience in.

bmack86
06-06-2013, 08:57 AM
This thread got me a job. What the fuck?

What? Tell us more Patrick. What sort of job? Is it in Akron or do you get to leave? Do they need an attorney?

guedita
06-06-2013, 08:58 AM
I think he means back when he was living in Chi-town and this thread helped him to get a job at Whole Foods.

(I'm writing his biopic).

Godspeed
06-06-2013, 09:00 AM
Ya I guess I can't really complain... I got an extra year in Santa Barbara. But nooo Arizona. My brother moved there cuz he couldn't find a job. He hated it. My parent's own a house in Tucson. It's beautiful but I would never want to live there. And I want to work in entertainment so moving out of California wouldn't make sense. Hoping to find a job in concert promo/production but I will probably first find a job as a PA on a TV show or in radio because that's what I have the most experience in.

Nice. Yeah, I actually live in Tucson now. It's okay for the time being. I'm just getting this work experience ball rolling so I can build a foundation for my resume. The thing about LA is that there is so much opportunity, but you almost literally have to fight for it. Living anywhere in LA is expensive and it will eat you alive if you don't have money/good paying job. I lived in NoHo for a minute, and it just wasn't worth it to me. San Diego on the other hand is completely worth it. But for what you want, and where you're currently at, LA is the place to be. Good luck!

bmack86
06-06-2013, 09:01 AM
Who are you envisioning in the leading role? Sure he doesn't have the look, but I think Danny DeVito has the attitude down pat.

guedita
06-06-2013, 09:03 AM
Oh no, I'm not a casting director. I'd end up casting cats in all of the minor parts and shooting the scenes would take forever.

bmack86
06-06-2013, 09:07 AM
Isn't that mostly correct though?

guedita
06-06-2013, 09:10 AM
Yes....yes.

SoulDischarge
06-06-2013, 09:10 AM
I think he means back when he was living in Chi-town and this thread helped him to get a job at Whole Foods.

(I'm writing his biopic).

Yeah, this.

My only request thus far has been that the entire thing be printed in Matisse ITC font.

SoulDischarge
06-06-2013, 09:13 AM
Which, coincidentally, is the font I would choose for my suicide note. Make it kind of fun for my mourners, y'know.

amma_sol
06-06-2013, 09:18 AM
Nice. Yeah, I actually live in Tucson now. It's okay for the time being. I'm just getting this work experience ball rolling so I can build a foundation for my resume. The thing about LA is that there is so much opportunity, but you almost literally have to fight for it. Living anywhere in LA is expensive and it will eat you alive if you don't have money/good paying job. I lived in NoHo for a minute, and it just wasn't worth it to me. San Diego on the other hand is completely worth it. But for what you want, and where you're currently at, LA is the place to be. Good luck!

I'm moving to NoHo in September. And that my friend is sooo much cheaper than SB. $600 for your own room and bathroom?!?!?! My senior year of college I was paying $650 to share a room and a bathroom in a house with 6 girls. Shoot me in the face. Buttt fingers crossed. Thanks!

bmack86
06-06-2013, 09:22 AM
Butt fingers?

amma_sol
06-06-2013, 09:26 AM
dirty mind

guedita
06-06-2013, 09:29 AM
I don't think I'd leave a suicide note, but they'd find my paper cut bled-out body covered in print outs of Godspeed's posts.

JorgeC
06-06-2013, 09:29 AM
yeah Brian, BUTT FINGERS! It's the name of our new band.

bmack86
06-06-2013, 09:31 AM
Ha. Butt Fingers is a decent band name. I'd play tamboura in Butt Fingers.

amma_sol
06-06-2013, 09:40 AM
yeah Brian, BUTT FINGERS! It's the name of our new band.

Ahhh, I LOVE BUTT FINGERS!

unit300021
06-06-2013, 09:40 AM
I don't know about a note, but I always imagined if I were to take myself I would like hang myself off the Golden Gate Bridge. Logic simply being that so many people jump off of it and I would hope to do something memorable that people wouldn't forget anytime soon. The only problem is if you use to much rope you would probably snap your head off but if you don't use enough you will probably get pulled up. I have a fucked mind I know.

PlayaDelWes
06-06-2013, 09:46 AM
I don't know about a note, but I always imagined if I were to take myself I would like hang myself off the Golden Gate Bridge. Logic simply being that so many people jump off of it and I would hope to do something memorable that people wouldn't forget anytime soon. The only problem is if you use to much rope you would probably snap your head off but if you don't use enough you will probably get pulled up. I have a fucked mind I know.
Don't worry about too much rope. All you need to do is tie 15 feet of another rope to one of your ankles and connect it above your noose so that when your head does snap off, the headless remainder will remain dangling upside down.

bmack86
06-06-2013, 09:48 AM
A macabre pinata.

Edit: Jorge, that's going to be my solo side-project. It's me, a drum kit composed entirely of cymbals and Casio presets.

unit300021
06-06-2013, 09:53 AM
Don't worry about too much rope. All you need to do is tie 15 feet of another rope to one of your ankles and connect it above your noose so that when your head does snap off, the headless remainder will remain dangling upside down.

Never even thought of that. The only issue is that I've always liked the idea of having an open casket funeral so everyone can see my unaltered final facial expression and me being headless would most likely prevent that from happening. I guess that is what would be in my note, "don't change my expression at all."